Author's Note: Once again, thank you all for reading my story and for the great reviews! You really motivate me to keep going!
I want to take up the "challenge" one reviewer posed, namely that my format might be weird in some way. I suppose that this has to do with how I set up dialog with just giving the name and then the character's line. I see that this is not very artistic and not how you would write it in a book. I started the story in that style because I knew it'd get very long - and this was my way to ensure that I don't lose track (with so many characters present at times). Plus, my focus is on the dialogs most of the time, so I thought it's actually helpful to have it more like in a script for a movie. But: Maybe you, my dear readers, will like it better the other way around (and I hope that this is what my reviewer tried to show me). Therefore, this chapter will be with a new format. Let me know how you like it, this way or the other... or another. I want to improve my story, so let me know how I can do that.
I have to add that I make a slight change to the time-line (so that Loki knew before the events of "Thor" that she was Jotun).
Finally, for all those who still ask themselves: where's the Thorki here?! You are just about to get it. Don't worry, I'm getting you there. Hope you enjoy!
Loki makes her way outside, glancing at the beautiful night sky and the stars shining ever so brightly. She pulls the mask off her eyes to take in the full beauty of that view. You can say about him what you want, but Stark understands to throw a party - and pick a great scene, no, breathtaking. The young woman leans over the railing, her thoughts leading astray as the soft breeze hums in her ears. Loki sucks in the cold air, finding it soothing to her heated body and mind. It reminds her of the times of the great Winter Dances in Muspelheimr, where she appeared as a woman, too, and danced so erratically that she had to throw herself into the snow to cool her body down. It was one of the most joyous nights she had in centuries and decades. Loki was free that night. Whether or not it was royal courtesy, whether it befit a royal of Asgard to throw herself in the snow for all to see, to dance with passion, with whoever was willing to, or on her own, it didn't matter at this moment. And that is why she cherishes it to the day. Dance is the act of hailing the body, the movement. Already back then Loki felt that this was one of the few occasions she had opportunity to truly be herself – and embrace that body of hers the way it is, female or male. In dance, you are allowed to love yourself so excessively, so much, that you can fully love yourself and still love someone else just as dearly as your bodies melt together on the dance floor. In essence, dance combines what Loki seeks for herself all her life: to be granted to love herself, in whatever body or shape, and to be close to those she wishes to be close to, and not be ashamed of it. Yet, it all seems so far away at times, escaping through her fingertips.
The door opens. Loki is pulled out of her thoughts - she can tell those footsteps from ten miles away.
"So you decide to join me?" she smirks, not bothering to turn her head in his direction.
"Indeed. I was in need of some fresh air," he replies, closing the door.
"So was I," she exhales, trying to ease, but finds her breath caught in her chest. Thor comes over to the young woman, leaning over the railing, his broad elbows resting on the ebony construction. The awkward tension is immediately back, so palpable that it almost hurts both their skin. Whatever it is Loki feels in dance, it seems to deflate once the memories flood back to her and realization comes that no matter what, she can't go back to that state. Both glance up to the night sky in silence for a while.
"Are we going to continue the way we do?" Loki exhales, finally breaking the silence. She tells herself again and again: It must end tonight.
"What?" Thor frowns.
"That we only have such conversation?" Loki hums.
"We are having conversation?" Thor frowns even more.
"That is just my point," Loki rolls her emerald eyes.
"What now?" Thor grimaces.
"Well, you and I just 'butthead' all the time, to quote Stark. And if we don't, we don't talk above the level of trivial, if we don't dance to express what we can't say," Loki explains.
"Loki, I don't think this is a proper setting to have such argument," Thor shakes his head.
"In the Mansion, we never have privacy, because someone always walks in. But here we are and only the sky can hear us. Is there a better opportunity?" Loki retorts. And that is truth told. She actually found herself giving in to that temptation couple of times: to try to talk to Thor, take the initiative, but then... Stark came in hollering about the latest assignment, Steve was searching for some lost object once again, or Pepper just needed a coffee. Loki knows it's foolish, after all, the entire team knows about their problems, but... Loki just can't bring herself to it and make this a "public" issue. It's private, even if privacy is getting increasing vacuous in this household.
"Now please," he rolls his eyes.
"That you don't want to talk about it is another matter, Thor, but you cannot deny that this setting here fits our purposes just right. And I would like to know for the future what I am to expect of you: Will this be rule, the way we treat each other? Yes or no?" she exhales, trying to keep the anger out of her voice, though she finds it bubbling up and down inside her throat.
"I think it's in our nature to disagree in certain aspects," Thor shrugs. He would rather not have this conversation, at all. Of course his argument with Natasha is still vivid in his memory, but so are the problems and memories with Loki, about Loki, about everything that's happened, everything that went wrong.
"You know how I mean it, Thor," Loki sighs.
"Yes, I do," he sighs uncomfortably also.
"Ever since the Avengers demanded that I change my outer appearance, you deflect me, as though I was poisonous. You tell me. Is it because you are disgusted at my Jotun side once again? Or is it because I act like a woman? Or is it this painful reminder on the trick I pulled on you all those years ago and made you believe I'm a fair maiden in a ballroom, one who is head over heels for the dear Prince of Asgard?" she asks with a huff towards the end. She knows that all of it is true to some degree, but she also knows that Thor would never admit it out loud.
"You know that I do not despise you, Loki, not for the nature of your being or for your heritage. We had this before," Thor shakes his head. Of course.
"Then what's the deal with me being in this form?" Loki questions. She knows, of course she knows, but she also knows that Thor has to say things over and over so he may finally see it. Dull oaf. Thor silences, though.
"It is the latter, isn't it?" Loki smirks.
"Part of it," Thor admits. Not that they haven't been there before... they were there so often that one should think they are running circles in the ground.
"By the Gods, Thor. Even by that time we knew that I was of Jotun heritage. So we knew that this was not an incestuous relationship. It never was," Loki shakes her head exasperated.
"It might be that this was technically no... but...," Thor fidgets for the words. He still struggles to merely verbalize it. By the Gods, it happened! There is no way he can deny it!
"... I know that I never should have tricked you like this. But I was much a different person back then. I was so angry, Thor. I can't even tell you how angry I was. I was angry at the Allfather and how he didn't tell me about my true heritage, until I found out myself. I was angry that I was not the one to climb the throne. I was angry that Odin favored you, in my eyes. I hated it how all belittled me and did not see me for my skills but only for my trickery. I hated everyone's ignorance about myself and my pains. I was angry at you, at Mother, at everyone. At myself. Back then... I was so disgusted with myself and my true form that it was the only pleasure to me to prove everyone right," she admits - and Loki is actually surprised that she said that out loud now. If her self-esteem didn't forbid her to, she would actually gape.
"How so? Wouldn't it have been better to prove them all wrong?" Thor frowns. Why would she try to prove them right?
"No. That would have made me even more of a pathetic figure, for I would have given them the satisfaction that they had power over me, could make me change my mind. I just wanted to give them any reason to really hate me, me and my heritage," she explains, gritting her teeth. She can still remember how she planned it, standing in front of the mirror, darkness claiming her. That was the day she gave up on herself.
"Loki...," Thor grimaces. He would like to say that people didn't look down on Loki, but... they did. If they weren't just afraid. Jotuns were the monsters of the old tales, the stories parents told their children to scare them so that they did not go out by night.
"That's the way I was back then. You were there, you know how I was. Destructive, not only to Asgard, and to you, but also to myself. If you feel that much hatred... you want to pass it on to someone else, shall he or she have the disease... You can't even imagine it, Thor. So much hate. I wanted nothing more but to give everyone reason to hate me, throw me away, just so they would leave me alone. And that you didn't... it only made me madder. Back then I thought I could draw you away from me with this trick. The last piece," she admits. Loki knew Thor's fraternity always strong for the trickster. Thor guarded him. Even if he did not always speak for the younger man, he always showed, well, empathy. Yet, Loki couldn't take any of it back then. He just wanted to engulf himself in the darkness. He didn't want anyone to reach out to him. He wanted to fall into the abyss long before he actually did by the Bifröst. And when Thor, playing the hero, of course, held on by both their fingertips, Loki wanted nothing more but to cut the thunderer's hand off.
She pauses for a second before she continues, "Actually, my plan was to discredit you in that ballroom in front of all those people, to change back into a male as you were about to hug me or kiss me."
"But you didn't," Thor argues.
"No. I couldn't. I just... I just couldn't do it. So I thought, well, maybe I just discredit him once we are in his chambers. That will humiliate him enough. But then we were there and... I didn't. Instead I... well, you know what I did. What we did. At every step I thought I'd discredit you, but then... I just didn't do it. I couldn't," she whispers.
"Why?" he asks. That is one of the questions that always hung above him. After he learned about Loki's, well, scheme, he asked himself why he only played it out that late, when it was too late.
"I just couldn't bring myself to it," Loki shakes her head.
"But eventually you...," Thor grimaces.
"Of course came then the moment that we both woke up and I had changed back into my other form... but this was... it was merely an accident. I actually had the wish to disappear in the midst of the night to my chambers and never tell you of this. It's just that I fell asleep and only woke as you were already up," Loki smirks sadly. She still remembers how she was ripped out of that warm bliss - and her entire world collapsed.
"But you changed back," Thor argues. Why would Loki change back if she didn't want him to know?
"Only because I was not as skilled by the time and because... in my sleep I still struggled keeping a certain shape. I am past that now, but back then I wasn't. That's why you found me like this right next to you," she explains. There is no point in denying it anymore. There is no point at all.
"You mean...," Thor frowns, still mulling this over inside his head.
"I do not deny that this didn't start as my little conspiracy and trick, but eventually... I couldn't bring myself to hurt you, consciously. I just couldn't," she licks her lips.
"Why?" he questions.
"You know why," she huffs.
"No. tell me," he insists, his voice gaining a bit strength.
"Why don't you tell me? I already gave it away, Thor, while you silenced to this. Now you tell me: Why is this memory such poison to you? Why am I poison to every of your fibers ever since I came back in this form, huh?" she returns, her eyes glistening with determination. She will not be the only one who will put her cards on the table.
"It pains me," Thor replies simply.
"To see me like this?" she questions.
"No," he shakes his head.
"Then what?" she frowns.
"You are my poison for your eyes, Loki," he mutters.
"What?" she grimaces. Now that is new. Thor suddenly cups both her cheeks. And even if every instinct is telling her to yank his hands off of her, she allows him to.
"When I look at you, I see what I cannot have, for what I mustn't have. I shouldn't yearn for you. You are my brother – and still...," he speaks with his strong voice, though it's tainted by its own quivering towards the end.
"Accept it that we are no longer brothers, Thor. We aren't," she hisses. Really, what does it take so that even he will understand it?! She wants to turn away, but he brings her head back to face him, eye to eye.
"It feels like it. The bond was not cut because of our different heir, not to me," he shakes his head. The bond ruptured later on, but that Loki was no Aesir... it didn't change anything to Thor, at least it didn't until he realized that Loki changed in turn. And that changed the bond.
"But that I'm of different heir makes it no longer a crime to love," she returns as she tears his hands off her face, no longer able to stand the heat of his palm against her cheek.
"It is a crime to me. We grew up together. That doesn't leave me. I look at you and I see that beautiful woman, but then I look into your eyes and I see the small boy whom I used to spar with, whom I used to train with, laugh with, hunt with, play with," he admits, his voice no more than a whisper.
Loki suddenly kisses him. He resists for a second, but then leans into her touch. She draws away after a few seconds to look at him again.
"I am not your brother," she brings out breathlessly.
"But...," Thor mutters, but Loki interrupts him, "Why can't you regard me a brother in spirit, and a woman in your heart?"
"I just can't," he croaks. It should be easy, but it is not.
"Why? I don't get it. You say you yearn for me... and I... I feel for you the same, as foolish as it is! Still, this is a crime to you," she hisses in exasperation. How much she wished she could just go back to that night. Back then it was that easy. It was.
"Every touch is like fire and ice, because it just isn't meant to be," gritting his teeth.
"I always wanted to be with you, Thor. You are the only one I still care about in Asgard, other than Mother, of course," she brings out, easier than she had pictured. It is something she hardly admits to herself. Maybe it's the champagne after all...
"You are... you are the reason I chose to go to Earth. I could have chosen a different fate, but I chose this banishment. You remember?" she whispers.
"It was the best option. The other would have been...," Thor shakes his head. He always thought that it was simply a logical decision for Loki.
"Death. Quite right. And by that time, oh, Thor, you don't know how tempted I really was to give in to that urge. I wanted to die, more than anything I wanted to die," she smiles, closing her eyes. How much relief Loki felt at the thought, not the dread when the trickster tried to jump off the roof. No, it was as if everything was washed away for a mere moment, all sorrow, all problems, all love. He could taste the sweet decay on his tongue, so strong that he almost said yes by the time he was granted a "choice".
"But then I looked at you as we stood there in the Great Hall and I knew that it would kill you. I couldn't let that happen, foolishly. At some point I still wished I would've had the strength. And that is why I decided to live, for your sake. But you took no notice of that," she grimaces.
Really, Thor made her the fool she is - and doesn't that make her the fool of fools?
"What do I have to do so that you see me, not my shell, just me?" she asks.
"It is not about this shell," Thor insists, but Loki interrupts him harshly, "Don't fool yourself. It doesn't befit a future King. If you really were independent of this shell, then you would have no trouble seeing me in this. Thor, when do you finally see that I am both these people? The brother as well as... this woman? I am born this way. This is no mask I wear. I am this."
"But you are also the other. And that is what I can't forget," he exhales. It's always the same story. Loki rolls her eyes. He just doesn't understand.
"I knew for a long time that I was different, even before I learned that I was not of true Aesir blood," she exhales, hugging her arms.
"Loki...," Thor sighs. He knows that Loki always felt as the outcast, but... that is something different.
"I knew it. I mean, everyone else knew it also, unconsciously. You still remember how I was bullied when we were still young?" she asks.
"Yeah," he replies grimly. And he just wanted to ram those children into the ground.
"I was different, and that wasn't just that I enjoyed spending my days in the library reading. It was my entire being that was different, out-of-place. When it finally became clear that I'm from Jotunheimr... I just received the confirmation for what I had known all along. I knew I was different. I always felt different, from the inside," she sighs.
"But that never was an issue to us two," Thor argues, but Loki's anger only flares again, "It was and is. Or else we wouldn't be standing here like we do. I am different, and you don't accept it. You still deny me my heritage, my true being."
"Because I love you that much," he finally brings out. Loki would love to believe in those words, but she can't, no matter how credible he sounds, "That only means that you love me for who I once was, Thor. You love me for the brother, the Aesir brother I was to you when we were both still young and didn't know a thing about what is really out there. You try to hold on to that because you do not know if you could love me... love me for what I am, for who I am, now, at this very moment. Your love is an easy one. It comes with no responsibilities, it doesn't demand hard work or change. The love is there and you just fetch from it. You deny me my heritage because, deep inside your very core, you can't move around it that I am Jotun. You cling to the love you felt for me as your brother because you can't bring yourself to love me the other way. You always say that you accept me the way I am. Listen to me, Thor, you don't. You accept me for who I was, not for who I am. You love me for who I was and not for who I am. You love no more of me than the picture inside your head, you remember and love a shadow."
This is the end. This has to be.
"Loki, please, so listen to me," Thor begs, but Loki interrupts him again, "I will head back inside now."
"Loki, please, stay," Thor bites his lip. This woman, only she brings him to beg!
"I can't. I just can't carry on like this, Thor. You punished me for all this year for being me, a part of me. And I won't accept that anymore. Before, I let you have it, because I knew you and that you have a hard time accepting such things. Yet... nothing happened. Nothing changed!" she exclaims.
"But we just... just now...," he mutters, but Loki interrupts him again, "Nothing's changed, this is just the way we were all this time before. We do things halfway, if at all. We dance around the other, tiptoe. We always return to the same problems and nothing changes, because neither one of us moves. And I can't take any more of that. You want to own me, want to tell me what to do, but then push me away once you realize your feelings, perhaps. You only care about yourself and how this body stains those pictures, memories. I am done, Thor. If it is that much of a struggle for you, then you shall treat me as a stranger or a sister in a loose sense, I do not mind, but make a decision. I built something up over the past year. I built up friendship, a life of my own. And I fear that if I hold on to... whatever this is... I will lose that, again. And I can't. I mustn't. I tried to ignore all this, forget our problems, everything. But I can't live up to that, no matter how hard either one may try. I can't have you that close, though we are not. Can't talk to you, though we are not. Can't continue this dance. It ends, tonight," she brings out, her voice shaking. Thor stares to her in shock and disbelief.
"Loki, now wait," he croaks.
"Goodbye, Thor," Loki whispers. With that she walks back inside, her dress whipping in the breeze. She still has the walk of a queen, but you can see the hurt in her features, and the tears she bites back down. Thor leans over the railing, heavily, his breath hitching.
"What do I do?" he calls out to the stars as he pulls at his hair, closing his eyes. Why won't the stars tell him the direction? Why is it all so difficult?
Loki makes her way back to the Avengers, who are now in a separate lounge area, chatting and drinking. That is her new life now. Some things end, but maybe this here won't.
"Oh, hey, there you are...," Pepper smirks at her as Loki walks over to them. Loki flashes a brief smile as she settles down next to her. Pepper leans closer, "What's wrong?"
"I think the drinks affect me more than I had estimated. I feel a little... tipsy," Loki returns politely.
"You look sad, though," Pepper notes.
"I get moody when tipsy, believe me, Lady Potts. There is no need to worry," she smiles sweetly.
"If you say so," Pepper sighs, but knows better than to push her luck with Loki. If she doesn't want to talk about it, so she knows, she won't. Loki is that stubborn. Suddenly, the trickster almost jumps up from her seat, energy coming out of nowhere.
"Now, Bruce! I want to fetch another dance with you, yes?" Loki asks the doctor.
"Oh, uhm, sure," Bruce smirks.
"Thank you," Loki smiles sweetly. He comes up to her to take her by the arm. They walk to the dance floor and Loki starts to twirl madly once she touches the hard surface beneath her sandals. She needs to drown herself in the music, in the beat, and think about anything but Thor who is looming around the edges of her eyes, making them teary.
"Is everything alright?" Bruce asks silently.
"Everything is perfect, my friend. Thank you," she smiles.
"So I don't have to become the Hulk to smash someone to pieces?" he grins.
"No, you don't. Though I thank you for the nice offer. You truly are the knight to save a damsel in distress," she smirks.
"You are anything but a damsel," Bruce returns.
Loki winks at him, offering the sweetest of smiles. Bruce is bound to simply smile back. One should think that everything that has gone on in their past would make it impossible for them to ever build up a relationship of trust and friendship, but Bruce is now more than glad to finally have a friend on that level. Loki is different from all people he knows, and one of the few whose company, once awkward was over, he really learned to enjoy and truly appreciate. She is educated, well-mannered, if not for her pranks and anger issues here and there, but someone who has dignity and a self-control that is really respectable. At least she learned that by now, Bruce reminds himself as they dance over the floor like old friends already. That is something he could always relate to in terms of the God of Mischief. Both have uncontrollable anger dwelling inside of them, but, most of the time, they find a way to deal with it. Bruce by burying himself in studies and staying away from the bigger troubles, while Loki, as far as he learned, takes her wit and tricks to boil down the evil thoughts to a workable level.
Now he got to know this person over the past year – and Loki has really proven herself worthy of not only trust but also friendship. She worked for her spot within the team and earned herself a place here on Earth. When everyone thought that Lorelei would be no more than a trick, Loki's female persona is probably the more honest and much more authentic personality of them both, even if it sounds odd at some point, because they are the same and because Loki and Lorelei are not that far apart. However, this person now is also sweet and forgiving, caring, with passion, dignity, a high sense of pride, ambition, creativity, actually higher moral standards than anyone gave her credit for, a sense for right and wrong, even if sometimes odd at first sight, but never arbitrary, a person of reason, offering advice and information, a very steady and focused person. When everyone else is fussing, she is the one to think this through and very likely pop up with a solution. Or even if she isn't, one can count on her to keep a cool head throughout the situation and act as the calm anchor for them all. When everyone else is freaking out, she is always the one you can turn to to find focus. Truly, a year back, no one would have only just wasted a thought on this being possible. But now it is simply reality – and at some point Bruce Banner is glad that it is, because it gives him a bit more faith that he and the Hulk will also find a way. People can change, and so Gods of Mischief, as it seems.
"Love is a complicated thing," Bruce smirks, not looking at her.
"Is this supposed to be a twisted way of wooing me, Bruce?" Loki cocks an eyebrow at him.
"No," Bruce grins.
"Then why are you telling me this?" she questions.
"... I know how it is to love someone and be unable to be with that person," he admits.
"I'm sorry about that," she glances at him - with just the kind of sympathy that Bruce likes about her that much.
"I am past that now, but... I get that. It is hard at times," he nods.
"Gladly, I remain unaffected, for I am a God," she smirks.
"I think no one is safe of love. If we were, it would make my job a lot easier," he chuckles.
"So you mean to say that love always gets in the way of your studies?" she smirks.
"In anyone's. We are all too lovey-dovey at times. And that makes us see things... not as clearly as we normally would," he shrugs.
"Well, then you see my point. I am a sorceress, I seek knowledge. Then troubled feelings would only be in the way," she returns. After all, it's over now.
"As I said, just like shit happens... love happens. And as great as love can be at times, it also sucks," Bruce snorts.
"I am thankful for your support, my friend, but believe me, my heart is not burdened with such sorrow," she assures softly, though the "anymore" dies on her lips soundlessly.
"Good, and here I thought that this was the reason for the tears in your eyes," Bruce says.
"Those are tears of joy for such a wonderful night," Loki manages to reply. Bruce smiles at her sadly, knowing that she is paining. He says nothing after that and simply allows Loki to draw him closer to herself to find a bit of comfort in the presence of a friend, someone who does not bear her a grudge, someone who understands her, likes her for who she is, not what she is, someone who is simply her friend.
The evening carries on after that. Loki drowns herself in dance and occasional chat with the rest of the Avengers while Thor does the same, only that he rather remains within the bar's reach. Eventually, all drive back to the Mansion. They spread out to their rooms. As Loki enters her room, the lights go on and her shoes fall off her feet thanks to her magic. She decides to keep the dress its shape, which is why she strips out of it to put on a rack, putting on the satin garment Tony gave her to taunt her, even if she has to admit that Stark has a good taste when it comes to these kind of things. It has an empire cut, but ends just by half of the thigh. She walks over to the small table where she has her accessories and other personal items. Loki then starts to remove her jewels. As she works on the earrings, she has to swallow hard against the tears forming in the back of her eyes. She wanted to enjoy this night... and now this. She can't help the memories from flooding back to her, about that night that her brother never forgave her for.