Author's Note: Hi, guys! Thanks for reading and reviewing my stuff! So, here goes the next chapter and we are getting to the bottom of Thorki *dramatic background music*. I know that "my" Thor (though he isn't mine, sadly) is really, ugh, simple-minded at times, but I thought that this would bring out his childish innocence, really, which I think is one of his most adorable features. And I believe that this what Loki would love about him most as well. Plus, as you will read here, Thor does a bit of "standard" to make his feelings clear, but I think that is something fitting the character. Thor is a prince, after all, and he goes the old-fashioned ways, or at least that is how I see him. Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy. Please review if you like, or if not, just read and have fun ;)
Lies. Lies mean power. Lies allow you to hide the truth, twist it, change it, bend it the way you need it. Lies grant you a fine mainframe to build a house on, but the problem is that those wooden beams are already decaying, and eventually, they will give in, the house collapses and you with it. And with that, you lose all power you may have had once. Instead, you are crushed by the house you built with big lies and small lies, quick excuses and tiny secrets. If you are a good architect, your house can hold very long, actually, years, decades, centuries. Some are even that lucky that their house only collapses once they are no longer. And no one asks about those ruins anymore, but most of them time they mean your downfall. They corrupt you. When you lie often enough, you become one of them, you become a lie yourself. And no matter what you do, say, think, once you are part of the wooden frame, there is no way out. The house of lies collapses, and you are the first beam that will give in under the pressure. You are in ruins. And no one will come pick up the pieces.
Loki removes her earrings, fighting back the tears. Ever since the trickster found out that he is of Jotun heritage, given that at first he was all up for havoc and in search of destruction, he saw the opportunity radiating from this fact, shining brightly at him. Loki was no longer his brother's sibling. The God of Mischief was... not related to him, no longer his blood, no longer bound, no longer imprisoned by it. Briefly, Loki considered that instance real freedom, to break free, break away. And just as briefly he hoped that this would make it easier for Loki to finally be with him. The trickster felt like a fool, for very long, for bearing such feelings. They shouldn't have been there. Before the truth came out, the God of Mischief had to bury those feelings of affection deep inside of him, so deep that he forgot about them for a long time, was Thor's brother and no more. They only welled back up as the news sunk in. But then... reality claimed its stake on Loki's life again and it became clear that it did not matter. To Thor, even in that instant, blood is so thick that it reaches across the waters. All the way to Jotunheimr and back. There seems to be no space for them ever since that one night of bliss. Blood is too thick. Blood swallows it all, suffocates her. Leaves her to drown in her own sorrows and dread. Maya had no future. Tonight only made her realize again. It should have been over eons ago, it was, but she couldn't accept it, foolishly.
Loki knew this would happen. History repeats itself, after all. And as for Thor, that man never changes, as it seems. He lives in the lines he once set when still a lad and never changed his course since. That is, at some point, admirable, but Loki hates him for this kind of resolution, this rigidity. Or no, she hates that she knows that he is that rigid - and still dared to hope, dared to love, when she would have done better at minding her own business. That would have saved her much trouble, much pain. Whoever said that love makes it worthwhile... Loki would bite his or her head off.
She straightens up, her features hardening, as the door opens, "You forgot to knock."
Thor stands in the doorway, then knocks on the frame, looking so much like a puppy once again. Loki rolls her eyes with a grunt. She does not look at him, but continues to remove her jewels, her face a straight mask. She will not allow him to see her weakness. She showed enough weakness by kissing him, by allowing that insight in the midst of the night, and she already regrets it, because Loki had her dearest fears confirmed. Yet, she remains a woman of pride and honor – and that is why she won't make the same mistake twice. After all, it's over.
"What can I do for you, brother?" she hisses with venom in her voice.
"I need to talk to you," he exhales heavily.
"Close the door. Someone might hear that you actually wish to spend time with me. Not that people get the wrong picture of you suddenly caring for me," she retorts sarcastically.
"Loki...," Thor sighs, but Loki interrupts him harshly, "Close the door, brother, don't make me beg you, for you know I won't."
Thor obeys and closes the door, stepping inside.
"So, we have privacy now. I wish to talk to you," he proclaims, finding his strength back. Loki left him on the balcony speechless. He didn't get the opportunity to make himself clear. And that is what Thor wants to do, now.
"And I don't," Loki retorts. When will he ever learn to let go?
"Out on that balcony...," Thor begins, but Loki is having none of it, "I did want to talk, because I thought the moment was right... yet, it wasn't. I see that now. It will never be right. My bad."
"Loki, please...," Thor breathes with exasperation shaking his voice. "My bad" - they are not talking about breaking a vase, are they?!
"What is there left to be said, Thor? Aren't I right? Tell me I'm wrong, tell me and don't you dare lie to me," she speaks. She already collapsed thanks to her lies, she doesn't need Thor to poke more beams into the ruins.
"I... I don't know," he shakes his head.
"You don't know what?" she questions.
"Everything. It is all just too confusing. You know me, Loki, I'm a simple man! Too simple, as you often say! I'm easily confused! I am confused by all this, you, this situation, your form, my feelings... everything," he admits.
"And you wish for me to make that stop? I would have to laugh at the ridiculousness of this statement if it weren't so horrible," she shakes her head.
"Horrible?" he frowns.
"You tell me this because you actually think, believe, hope that I will give you the clarity you are seeking. You are asking me for advice on something that I am part of, Thor. Even you should get the wrongness of this action. I am part of this, I'm not just some bystander. You seek my clarity as your witty brother once again, though that is just the breaking point! It is rude of you! Absolutely out of place!" she hisses, anger flaring. She knows that this is just the way Thor operates, but she is done making excuses for him. He can't do that to herself anymore. She has to keep that much self-worth. She can't grow weak again.
"I apologize for that. I didn't mean to...," he bites his lower lip.
"To what? Hurt me... oh, brother, you should know that nothing can truly hurt the God of Mischief. I am just mad at you for how you treat me," she retorts. He won't have it. He won't get to see how truly hurt she is. He did before, so he won't again. This is over. It ends tonight, no, it ended tonight. She ended it, or didn't she?
"On that balcony you said otherwise," Thor returns. She kissed him, by the Gods!
"I am the perfect liar, Thor," Loki grins mischievously. He comes closer. She glares at him.
"You were earnest," he insists, his voice filled with growing confidence.
"I was not," she replies straight-faced.
"If it really were just a lie, you wouldn't be upset about my actions or words. You'd simply get back at me, seek a little revenge," Thor argues. She is actually surprised that Thor sees that, but it's as they say: Even a blind hen sometimes finds a grain of corn.
"Perhaps this scene here is my revenge?" she suggests playfully.
"We are alone, we can speak openly, Loki," Thor says calmly. He knows she is acting, playing, but now he needs her honesty, or else all this will be futile. Loki's eyes narrow with anger.
"So now you want to talk? Now that everything is already in ruins?! Oh, I curse your self-esteem, Thor! The swell in your chest about yourself is bigger than Asgard, Vanaheimr and Jotunheimr altogether! You truly believe it is your time to demand or command for us to have an earnest conversation? Sometimes I don't even know you," Loki growls.
"Loki, I beg you, now don't twist every of my word into an insult. You know I meant it to soothe you. You seem upset. And I know that you deflect when in public. We are not in public. That is all I meant to say," he insists angrily. He knows she has a bad temper, Thor grew up with a moody child of a brother, but if Loki keeps on twisting his words, they won't get anywhere.
"Thor, I do not care whether we are alone. If we were to have the same conversation in a public setting, it wouldn't change the content. And having it all over again won't change it either," she hisses.
"We didn't finish it," Thor argues.
"I finished," she shakes her head.
"But you didn't give me a chance to explain myself," Thor returns self-consciously.
"You did before I ended the conversation, brother. You did before our argument ever started. You wish to regard me in a certain way, I will have to live with that. And believe me, it is within my capabilities. Let's just give it a show, as Stark would say," Loki huffs.
"I don't want you to give it a show, Loki," Thor shakes his head.
"That is exactly what you asked me for ever since I took on my female shape, Thor. You said it bothered you to see me like this. You wanted me to enact a different person, preferably of a different sex. You told me exactly that – and you meant it. We both know that, so do not claim the opposite. And now, here you stand, a year later, and you tell me that I shall not do what you asked me to and punished me for not doing all this time? You truly must have left your wit at the bottom of the Midgardian drinks you devoured at the party," she growls.
"Perhaps I learned my lesson? Did that thought ever cross your mind? Even I am capable of learning, Loki, even I can see that I did you wrong by this. I just take longer, and you know that," Thor argues.
"A little too late," she sighs, anger deflating from her for some reason. Maybe she is just too tired of it.
"Why?" Thor questions.
"Too much has happened, I believe. This very night here, it sent all over the edge... now it's just too late," Loki shakes her head. It's over, after all. Even the thunderer should finally see that, but suddenly Thor is in front of her, falling to his knees, grasping her by the arms as Loki tries to steal away.
"Let me go," she hisses.
"Tell me this is not true," he begs. Begs. Loki can't remember Thor ever begging anyone for anything. Neither did she ever see such desperation in his eyes other than the day Loki fell into the abyss.
"What?" she shakes her head, unable to comprehend.
"That it is too late. It mustn't be," Thor pleads, now almost on the verge of tears. Loki can feel uneasiness grow in her chest. That is certainly not what she expected. She thought Thor would yell at her and then run off, the way he usually acts when he doesn't get his will, but here he is, on his knees, begging. If not for her shock, she would actually laugh that she finally got her will to have the God of Thunder on his knees.
"By the Gods, Thor, let me be – and spare us both the shame of you kneeling in front of me like a baby. It does not befit a King," she says, trying to fight him off, but Thor won't budge. Stupid oaf.
"I do not care," he shakes his head. He has to hold on to, has to. There is no other way. Be it that they are both fools, but he has to hold on to it. He can't afford to lose, even if it's foolery.
"Let me go. And then leave my chambers," Loki hisses, annoyance bubbling in her stomach like acid.
"No," he replies.
"No? Those are my chambers. And I decide whom I allow in here and whom I don't. I don't allow you in here, Thor. So now, leave me alone," she mutter, but Thor only tightens his grip on her, searching her eyes.
"Hear me," he pleads. Loki's features suddenly become as translucent as mist so that Thor grasps right through her. She becomes solid again having turned to face the mirror, removing her jewelry again. She decides, not him.
"I could have transported a place far away, but I know that you'd come searching for me then. And I wish to spare the Avengers that sort of trouble. However, I did not change my mind. I ask you to leave me alone," she replies, regaining her confidence through the distance. Only he can make her feel so weak that she loses her speech, but once she is away, he cannot. The logical consequence: he has to stay away from her, as paining as it is.
"I know that if I were to go through that door right now, I'd never see you again," he argues. Loki chuckles, "You'd see me all day long, brother. Now don't be ridiculous. I live here, and so do you, most of the time."
"I won't ever see you like this again. You will never talk openly to me again. You will hate me," he exclaims.
"Perhaps I already do," Loki hums. She told him that she hated him, many times. Back then, he didn't listen, but now he does? Really, Thor is beyond reclaim.
"And you are showing it, and you have any right to," Thor argues, voice quivering. He knows he did her wrong. All this time he believed that Loki tried to fool him that night, but if the trickster didn't, then... that changes everything, at least it does to him. As foolish as it is, and as humiliating as it may be, he has to hold on now, bow his head and ask forgiveness. Thor can't afford to lose. This mustn't end, not like this.
"Of course I had any reason to. Believe me, Thor, not many people drive me to the point where I stood, thrice," she huffs. Thor bows his head. Loki tried to kill himself back when he let go and fell into the abyss by the Bifröst, he wanted to again when he chose his punishment and, inside his heart, favored death, and finally when she wanted to jump off the roof in desperation. At some point it's hard to believe that Thor didn't get the hint after all this time. She literally died for him.
"I know. And I know it's because of me, because of what I did to you and... and what I didn't do, but... please, Loki, by Valhalla, don't shut me out. Don't make yourself a puppet I command with my foolery," he begs dramatically. Loki silences at that and starts to comb her hair.
"I see that I have wronged you. I wronged you longer than the last year. I wronged you for decades and centuries. And perhaps that is what made your features harden, what made you cold as ice," he bows his head in shame. All this time he thought it was solely Loki's fault that the rupture happened, that their bond collapsed, but now Thor realizes that maybe he pushed just as much as the trickster did.
"I'm Jotun. We are Ice Giants. We are cold as ice by definition," Loki snorts.
"It is me, isn't it? I made you so angry, didn't I? I was the one to cause all the hatred and mischief inside your heart. It was me all along," he asks, though he knows the answer already.
"There are many things that made me go over the edge. Do not worry, Thor, I was also mad at Father and generally the rest of the world," she returns, much to his surprise.
"I'm not talking about this incident, or the other. I am talking about the person I made you by my actions, the one who cannot show feelings out of the fear to be defied once again," he argues vehemently.
"You really think that low of me?" she snorts.
"I think that I have to repent for that crime, the crime committed to you. It was me, all these years, who made you mock the world and put on that fake smile. I was the one who took the real smile away from you, the one you had when we were both still small and played hide and seek... that one smile you gave me at this very night in the gardens...," he whimpers almost. He knows, he tore it away from her. How? Thor can't tell for sure, he only knows that he did and that this is unforgivable.
"I told you that I played you," she shakes her head, her voice no more than a whisper. It was a game, wasn't it? A chase? Yes, a chase of two fools.
"That smile was the smile I knew from you as a child. It was as pure as a diamond," he insists.
"So?" Loki shrugs. What is the point?
"I know that this was not played," Thor shakes his head.
"One can never know," Loki manages to almost smirk, but fails. Thor suddenly grabs her again to turn her to him before burying his head in her lap. She means to fight him off, but then, distraught and confused, lets him be as sobs wrack his body.
"I'm sorry," he brings out, his voice stricken with dread and tears. Loki can't remember the last time she saw him cry, let alone sob, kneel and sob. That never happened. Loki's back straightens involuntarily, the discomfort almost unbearable.
"... now stop crying like a baby, that is not... Thor, you are bringing shame upon us both," she grimaces uncomfortably.
"I'm sorry," he mutters again. Oh, by the Gods! Odin, did you bring forth a sissy or a man?! Loki grasps Thor's shoulders to fight him off. She doesn't use her magic to make herself clear, though, since that is seemingly the only way Thor understands, "Thor, now let me go. You are forgiven if that makes it okay again. Let go. I was tricking you. It is not too late, you did not cause my heart to harden, I forgive you, but let me go."
"I'm sorry," he wails. Loki's eyes open incredibly wider as he tightens his hold on her.
"If this is a way for you to gain my pity, then...," she grits her teeth, but Thor just keeps going with his mantra, "I'm sorry."
Loki is at a loss. She never saw her brother that broken, really, not even when she went havoc. She wants to punch him, hurt him, push him away, but her hands do not listen to her. Her features sag at the realization that she cannot. She cannot. By the Gods, damn the conscience she grew thanks to the Avengers, or the affection she, for some reason, still bears him. Before Loki can even process her own actions, she finds herself running soft circles over his broad back, hushing small soothing tones.
"It's alright," she hums. Thor suddenly looks up to her, tears streaming down his face, and never did he look more vulnerable or more beautiful than at this very moment, the young woman thinks. Thor leaps forward, then, and catches her lips. She is confused for a moment, but then eases into the tenderness of his touch, the roughness of his gesture, the silence of the moment, the yearning nourished over centuries. Everything is washed away. For a moment there is just them, no past, no present, no future. Not space. No place. Just them. For a moment there is a surge of perfection, but then her world is put back into focus and Loki finds herself pulling away.
"I can't do this," she shakes her head. It was supposed to end tonight. She can't go back. Loki means to draw away again, but Thor holds her hands, firmly, but warmly.
"Please," he begs, now with more self-composure.
"I can't," Loki mutters. He cannot win after all he's done. She cannot win after all she's done. There mustn't be a way that they win. They have to lose!
"I love you," he brings out.
"Don't you dare say that. Don't you dare!" Loki hisses, gritting her teeth. No, just no!
"I love you," Thor insists. It's the last thing he knows, it's all that should matter, what should've mattered all along. He loves her to the point of madness and beyond, how else would one explain all this? They are mad in their love. Mad! But he doesn't care, for as long as Loki is there with him.
"It is empty when you say it, Thor. I know a part of you will always love me. We had it all before," she rolls her eyes. He loves her as a brother, he loved her as Maya. They have been there - and they are running circles again. When does it end?
"No, I love you," he argues, his voice gaining more and more self-consciousness.
"You just say that to please me," she huffs.
"It is the truth I'm speaking. I love you. That is... that is why I treated you the way I did. I was afraid of it," he admits.
"You? Afraid?" she huffs. Two words that cannot be said in the same sentence without a negation in it.
"I was, still am. I was afraid of this love because it is against the other love I feel for you, for you as my brother," he explains.
"Why?" Loki demands.
"Because I loved you on that other level for a long time, but I did not wish to believe it. I put the love of my brother in front of this to disguise those other feelings. I know now that it was wrong, but it didn't feel right to me to love the person I knew my brother for all my life in that other way. That I hurt you by this... it is a sin I will perhaps never be forgiven, but believe me when I say that I do love you, no matter the form," Thor insists, his chest heaving.
"And still...," Loki sighs, but Thor interrupts her, "Fine, I know that I have given you any proof not to believe me. But... but I can make you a promise."
"What promise?" she asks.
"I will learn how to love you in that form, once again. To love you for your soul, not the rank, not the title, not the shape, not the heritage, not the... sex. I promise you, I can learn that. I just need a bit of time, a bit of help. I know I am asking the impossible, Loki, but... but you have to see that you and I, very often, did the impossible. You especially. With you, I can make it happen. I just... I cannot afford to lose you to my foolishness, please," Thor insists.
"I don't know," she sighs, finding herself wavered. All her determination seeps out of her body, just to go up in mist. Damn this stupid oaf. Damn herself. Damn everything!
"That's okay. Give it time. I only need to know one thing from you: do you love me, too? Or is all fire dead that once was in your heart for me? Or else I will have to... I will have to stop. I will be to your service," he says - and that surprises Loki about as much as did his sobbing. That Thor would accept defeat for her... she knows what that means, it is the impossible for the God of Thunder... and here he kneels and wants to try. Oh, foolish heart, why are you failing me?
"... you know the answer," she whispers after a longer pause, not meeting his eyes. Loki doesn't want him to see her shame. If there was no flame, there wouldn't be any burns, there wouldn't be scars. Thor beams at her as she says it.
"That's great! That's wonderful! Oh, Loki, now we can...," Thor smiles, so overly joyous that it is almost ridiculous again. He turns to face her again, tears now freely running down her cheeks, but it's no tears of joy, it's tears of pain and dread.
"What is wrong?" he gasps. Wasn't that the moment they should embrace each other - and it'd be fine again?
"I need to be alone. Right now," she brings out, her voice almost dying under the tears she is holding back.
"But we...," Thor gapes, still not comprehending her suddenly harsh reaction.
"Thor, don't. Just go. Please," she brings out, the "please" coming out more as vehement begging than a request. She needs him out. She can't take this anymore. It's all too much. She is running circles again. It just doesn't stop. The thunderer studies her face, almost sagging together in dread. Thor gets up and walks over to the door, his features sunken, defeat claiming him.
"I do love you, and I will always," he says as he turns.
"I know...," she whispers. He closes the door.
"And so do I," she speaks under her breath before she allows her head to rest on her arms and cries into the night.
Both in ruins.