Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.

Way The Wind Blows

Chapter Six

It was a long time before Kathryn drew away from Chakotay. His body was warm and soft and the feel of his strong arms around her was comforting. For the first time since the accident she felt safe, at peace, and was afraid those feelings would leave as soon as she let go of him.

As she slowly drew away, Chakotay gently released her. She had cried long in his arms, cried hard, and he knew that with every tear shed, a little of her pain had gone with it.

Kathryn avoided his eyes as she pulled away, almost as though she felt embarrassed or awkward, and looked down at her hands.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Don't thank me, Kathryn," Chakotay said softly. "It was a privilege."

Kathryn looked up at him now and he smiled warmly. For a moment she lost herself in his dark chocolate brown eyes. There was so much warmth in them, so much kindness.

"You really do care for me, don't you?"

Chakotay nodded. "Very much."

Kathryn lowered her eyes again and fidgeted with her fingers. "And you're right. I can't go on abusing myself the way I have been. I just...they help, you know, the pills and the whiskey, to numb the pain..."

"I understand," Chakotay replied. "But sometimes the only way to let go of a pain is to allow ourselves to feel its full force. Like weathering a storm. You can see a black storm approach on the horizon and try to out run it, getting weary and lost in the process, or you can stay, let the storm do its worst, and then be free." He paused. "And I think here, today, you did that."

Kathryn nodded. "I was afraid to cry for them. I thought that if I did, I would never stop. But you're right on that too. I feel different now somehow, as though a crushing weight has been taken off me." She paused. "But it feels wrong too, like a betrayal...like it would be a betrayal to be happy...I can't explain it."

"You don't have too. I felt the same way when my family died. I felt it would be wrong to ever be happy again, that I had no right to be happy when they were dead. But my family loved me as much as I loved them. They wouldn't have wanted me to waste my life grieving for them, just like I wouldn't have wanted it for them. The pain of those we love hurts us. It would hurt your father and fiancé for you to be unhappy. The best way to honor their memory is to live your life to the full."

"You're right. It's just...it's just been so hard. There have been so many conflicting emotions. On the one hand I felt it would be wrong to be happy, but on the other hand I just wanted the pain to go away." She paused. "And I can't help thinking that it's my fault that Justin died. If it wasn't for me, he'd never have been on that shuttle in the first place. It should have been me who died, not him."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "It's wasn't your fault, Kathryn. It was an accident. When my family died, I felt that it was partly my fault for not being there to protect them. I blamed myself for pursuing my own interests instead of honoring my heritage and staying in the tribe. For a long time that tortured me. But there's no way of knowing how things will turn out, no matter what course of action we take. We assume that because things turned out one way, if we'd have done things another way, they would have turned out better. But they might have turned out worse. If I hadn't pursued my own life, done what I wanted to do, perhaps the only thing different would be that I would be dead too. We can't live our lives fearing the future or regretting the past. Things happen that are out of our control. We can only live our lives for the moment. If we strive always to do the right thing and love the special people in our lives with all our heart, then we can look back without regret or reproach."

Kathryn looked up at him, peace returning to her eyes. "It might be selfish of me, but I'm glad you're here, Chakotay. You really understand me, and what I've been through. Most people don't understand, not really."

"I'm glad I'm here too," Chakotay said kindly.

"And you like coffee ice-cream and gothic architecture," she teased. "I'm not surprised we're friends in the future."

She smiled warmly and Chakotay smiled in return. Then, the sound of rain caught Kathryn's attention and she turned to the window.

"Damn, it's raining." She looked up at the sky which was now a dismal gray. "And from the look of the clouds, I'd say it's going to last a while. It's a good thing we've been up all the towers. I saw a sign back there that said visitors shouldn't climb them in the rain."

"I can see why. I felt like I was walking on banana skins as it was."

Kathryn laughed softly at that and then turned back to him. " We could look at the rest of the castle, but I have feeling we've seen all there is to see. There doesn't seem to be any way forward from here."

"No. I think this is the end."

"So, I guess we only have two choices. We either venture back to the cabin and get wet, or take shelter here for a while and see if the rain stops."

"Seems a shame to cut our trip short. Why don't we set up camp in here for a bit? It's been a while since lunch, we could snack on what's left over."

"Sounds good. I still have that flask of black coffee you replicated for me. We can share it with some chocolate cookies I packed...if you like black coffee, that is."

"It's tolerable," he smiled.

"Nothing like it for me. And if I can't have my tobacco fix, at least I can have caffeine."

Chakotay's eyes twinkled in amusement and Kathryn perfectly interpreted the look on his face.

"When I asked you to replicate the flask of coffee, you made it decaffeinated, didn't you?"

"Guilty as charged."

Kathryn studied him curiously for a moment, and then picked up her rucksack and went to sit at the foot of the well. She leant back against the old stones and began to search through her bag. "You don't smoke, drink alcohol, eat meat or take caffeine. Don't you have any vice?"

"I haven't said I don't drink alcohol," Chakotay said, going over to the well and sitting beside her. "I just don't drink it to excess."

Kathryn pulled out a red flask from her rucksack and looked up at him with a smile. "My mistake." There were two silver cups slotted together on top of the flask, and Kathryn pulled them off and separated them as she talked. "So, what do you like to drink? Beer? Wine? Spirits?"

"Depends on the occasion. But I'm very partial to Cider and Cabernet sauvignon."

"Me too. Something else we have in common. Isn't it amazing all the same things we like?"

"Yes. Kindred Spirits," he smiled.

With a single swirl of the wrist, Kathryn opened the flask and then began to pour hot coffee into the two cups.

"I mainly drink synthesol these days, though," Chakotay continued. "I have some vintage bottles of Antarian Cider that I bring out when we're in safe space, but that's not very often. They've consequently lasted a long time."

"I'm surprised your comrades haven't helped you to finish them." She held out a cup of steaming coffee to Chakotay, and he gratefully took it.

"On my ship, a person has to be crafty if they want to keep a luxury. I hide the bottles in the cargo bay so that no one..." He stopped as a memory jolted him and he realized what he'd just said...

"...in a few minutes, this bottle will be empty."

"Then maybe you should go to the Cargo Bay and grab another one."

"How do you know that's where I keep it?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Temporal Prime Directive."

Kathryn had known where he had kept the cider because he had told her...almost two decades before...

And if she remembered this, then the implication was that she remembered everything. He had suspected this from the beginning...that she had known of this all along and deliberately sent him here...but this apparent affirmation was still unsettling.

Kathryn's voice brought him out of his thoughts. "Are you alright, Chakotay? Is the headache back?"

"No," he replied, turning to her. "I'm fine. I was just...remembering something." Wanting to change the subject, he gestured to the cup of coffee in his hands. "So, do I get a cookie?"

"Of course," she said, "I'm sorry..." She put down her own cup of coffee and began searching through her rucksack again. "Here they are," she said, finally finding a packet of rich milk chocolate chip cookies. "Help yourself."

Chakotay put down his coffee, took the packet of cookies, and opened it.

Kathryn picked up her drink again. "I'd hardly say a glass of cider now and then is a vice, though. And you must have one. What about women? Are you quite a ladies man responsible for a trail of broken hearts?"

"No," Chakotay smiled, dipping a cookie in his coffee. "If anything, it was the other way around."

"You must have been with a few women, though? I mean...you know...inevitably..."

Chakotay looked up at her, skirting around the question. "Is anything inevitable?"

"Now you're sounding like Hobbes...I mean Mark...I keep forgetting he's changed his name. He's a philosopher and can talk for hours on that kind of thing. If character is fate, and fate is predestined, is character fated?" She boldly met his gaze. "But you didn't answer the question."

"Some questions it's polite not to ask..."

At that, Kathryn flushed crimson. "Of course...I'm sorry...you must think me terribly rude..." She reached for a cookie in the open packet and cast a sheepish glance at him. "But, seeing as we're both being honest about things here, and you've done some considerable prying into my business, are we talking about more than five women but less than ten, or a multiple of a dozen?"

Chakotay took a sip of his coffee. "You don't give up, do you?"

"Never..."

"Let's just say," he said uncomfortably, "less than a dozen, but more than two."

Kathryn considered this a moment. "Quite a number... I mean, to some people. To Mark it would be certainly. He's very straightlaced. I used to think he was kind of an odd person...I mean when we were growing up. We all did. He was always going on about the greater good and what was right and wrong, and we all thought he was extremely boring. But now I'm older and know him better, I like him a lot. I used to think he was weak, but it took a lot of courage for him to stand his ground on things. The weak thing would have been to just do what everyone else did. But he wasn't like that. He wouldn't compromise what he believed in to be popular. I really admire him for that."

"It's certainly a commendable quality," Chakotay replied. She clearly already had a deep fondness for Mark, one he knew would eventually turn into love, despite the vast differences in their characters. And, if he was honest, he couldn't help feel a twinge of jealousy at that.

"But, apart from your differences, I'd say you're the first person I've ever met who is as disciplined as him. And I mean that in a good way. Self-discipline is admirable, especially in a Starfleet Officer. I wish I was more disciplined. If I stay on at Starfleet, I'm afraid it's going to be the one area I struggle in. I'm focussed, dedicated, determined, but I have trouble keeping to the rules..."

Chakotay made no reply to that. In his opinion, she was the most disciplined Starfleet Officer he had ever known. She always tried to do things by the book, even at personal cost.

"But I guess I must stay on at Starfleet because otherwise you wouldn't know me...unless we meet somewhere else and..." She paused. "This is so unfair...you having all the answers and me only questions."

"I don't have all the answers. I've seen more of what the future holds than you, but I haven't seen it all. You could say I've seen the beginning and the middle, but not the end."

"I do go back to Starfleet, though, don't I?"

Chakotay wasn't going to respond to that either and just took another sip of coffee.

"I suppose I would. I mean, a Starfleet officer is all I've ever wanted to be. I've just been feeling, you know, kind of disillusioned with it all lately, like I was heading at warp speed in a direction I wasn't sure I wanted to go." She paused. "Have you ever felt that way?"

"Yes. I lost direction for a while and questioned my choices."

Kathryn picked up another cookie. "According to your profile, you're a tactical officer...at least you were. What made you choose tactics over other areas like science?"

"It's what I was best at. Also what I enjoyed most."

"That kind of surprises me. I can definitely see you as a Captain or a First Officer, even an Admiral some day, but I'd have thought the combat aspect of being a Starfleet Officer would have been the least appealing part for you."

Chakotay smiled, amused. "Because I'm so disciplined and a vegetarian?"

"Amongst other things. Doesn't seem to fit your nature somehow."

"Then it might surprise you to know that I was a champion wrestler."

Kathryn put down her coffee. "You were?"

"I won over ten championships."

"Congratulations. But you're right, it does surprise me. I wouldn't have thought of you as the wrestling type."

"I enjoy the challenge," Chakotay explained. "For me, and for my people, discipline is a tool we use to help us reach our full potential, but we don't believe in suppressing emotion or desires the way that Vulcans do. We only believe in finding appropriate channels of release. There's a lot of energy and passion in my culture. We develop our physical strength, nurture our inner strength, and always strive for harmony of body and mind."

Kathryn took another sip of her coffee. "Do you still wrestle now?"

"Only on the holodeck. I don't compete any more. I box too, but only holograms."

At those words, Kathryn studied him again, clearly both intrigued and impressed. "You are a man of surprises. I hope you box with the safeties on though."

"Yes. It would be irresponsible of me to risk injury and not be able to report for duty."

Kathryn topped up her coffee from what was left in the flask. "A tactical officer, a champion wrestler, and a boxer... sounds like someone would be hard pressed to defeat you in one to one combat. Perhaps when we get back to the cabin, you can give me some tips? The living area contains holo-projectors. We can move the furniture aside and run a suitable martial arts program."

"Sounds good. I'm sure there's little I can teach you," Chakotay said honestly, "but, it could prove to be a worthwhile exercise. It's good to keep in practice."

"It certainly is."

A ray of sunshine suddenly fell on them and Chakotay looked up at the window. "Looks like it's stopped raining."

Kathryn got to her feet, her cup of coffee still in her hands, and went over to the window. "It's stopped alright." There was a perfect rainbow in the distant sky, rising from a forest of evergreen and falling into a black mountain. "And there's a rainbow," she said. "A very pretty one too."

Chakotay got up now and joined her at the window. "Very vibrant."

"When I was a little girl, I tried many times to reach the end of one. But they would always disappear before I could."

Chakotay smiled. "Hoping to find a pot of gold?"

"No," Kathryn clarified, "hoping to prove the end could be reached. In my mind there had to be an end because everything had to have one. To me, it was a scientific investigation. I even took along a tricorder." She paused. "What does the rainbow represent in traditional Mayan culture?"

"It depends a lot which tribe you belong too. Mayan culture is very diverse, even more so since other belief systems have influenced it. In my tribe, which has rejected most of those influences, the rainbow represents peace and renewal. My people believe in a time of great destruction on the earth, a time when a lot of land was destroyed by a rain of fire. The rainbow was given as a sign from our supreme deity that the time of destruction was over and a new era had begun."

"Sounds a lot like Noah and the Ark, only it was water and not fire that destroyed the earth."

"Yes. Other cultures also refer to a time of great rain or destruction. It can only mean that there was indeed a period of such devastation and it became a part of various faiths and mythology."

"Do your people believe in a rainbow god?"

"In the sense of a god living in the rainbow, no. But my people do believe in a goddess of the rainbow, Ix Chel. She's also goddess of the moon, fertility, childbirth, medicine, and mother of all other gods, except Hunab Ku, our supreme god and creator, and his son, Itzamna, who is her husband."

Kathryn thought on his words a moment. "It must be hard for you to reconcile your faith with science...I mean if you believe all that."

"I believe some of it," he replied. "I believe in a supreme deity and lesser gods or spirits, and I believe in the human spirit and after life, but I don't believe all of it. I believe that essential truths have been embroiled with myth and legend over the centuries to become something more fantastical than they really were. But I don't find it hard to reconcile my faith with science. Quite the contrary. To me, they compliment each other. Science helps me to understand the universe and faith helps me to appreciate it. Just because science can't detect supernatural deities, doesn't mean they don't exist. Centuries ago, people doubted the existence of aliens because their technological limitations meant they weren't able to travel far enough to find them. If a creator god exists outside of our universe, in a place that has completely different laws of physics, then our present technological limitation means we'll never detect him."

"Perhaps," Kathryn replied. "The existence of a God or gods is certainly scientifically possible. I just find it hard to believe in gods and spirits. I don't believe we were created and I don't believe the universe is under the control of a superior being. I believe that we, as in human beings and humanoids, control our own destiny and can learn to control the natural world around us by scientific research and application."

"A very comfortable position," Chakotay commented. "Atoms, particles, molecules... all things you can comprehend and control. But gods, spirits, and an after life...all unseen forces and unknown dimensions of existence...all things beyond your comprehension and beyond your control."

For a long moment Kathryn was silent, the truth of the words clearly having confounded her. Then she spoke. "You're a strange man, Mister Chakotay. You seem to understand me so well but I can make neither head nor tail of you."

Chakotay smiled. "Well, being from the future, I do have several years unfair advantage."

The rainbow faded softly and a dark cloud passed over the sun. Chakotay gestured to the cup in his hands.

"Shall we finish up and head back before it rains again?"

Kathryn nodded. "I think that would be wise." She drank the remaining coffee in one go, and then went over to her rucksack. "I hope Petunia hasn't wrecked the cabin while we've been gone. I've never left her alone in it before."

"I'm sure she's been a faithful guard dog."

"Oh, I don't know," she answered, picking up the flask and putting the packet of cookies into her rucksack. "She may have thought that if she destroys the place in my absence, I'll never leave her alone again. Believe me, she's that smart."

"I can believe it."

He turned to the window and was just about to pour the remains of his coffee onto hard mud outside, when Kathryn's words stopped him. "No, wait..."

She bridged the gap between them, took the cup from his hand, and drank what was left of the coffee.

"Shame to waste it," she smiled.

She then slotted the cup on top of the flask and put the flask into her rucksack. After closing all the zippers, she fixed the bag to her back.

"Ready?"

"Ready," Chakotay smiled.

With that, Kathryn turned around and began to walk towards the old arched empty doorway. Chakotay walked behind her and followed her into the narrow corridor beyond.

END OF CHAPTER SIX