Author's Note: Thanks for the great response. You really motivate me to keep going.
Just for your information: I now revised the previous chapters insofar to have a consistent style, by removing what I coin as "stage directions". I hope that this actually makes it a bit smoother, if not... it's at least consistent now, yay ;)
Okay, so here is the sequel to Chapter 26. Hope you'll like it.
Read, review, enjoy ;)
Loki wakes up to a steady beeping sound in the background. She furrows her eyebrows as she blinks against the harsh light above her. White light? Now wait... there was something. This light. And darkness. Tears. Pain. Blood. So much blood. And then there was...
"Thor?" Loki breathes as she comes around. Thor almost died, didn't he?
"Nope, no Norse God here other than you," Bruce's voice rings in her ears. Loki grasps her head, leaning forward. Her head feels as though her skull was smashed into pieces.
"Now, look who's back under the living," the doctor walks up to her with a sympathetic grimace. "More or less."
"How long was I out?" she asks, her voice still hoarse.
"Four hours, almost five," Bruce tells her. "How are you feeling?"
"Like butchered?" Loki grimaces.
"I picture," Bruce smirks sympathetically.
"... how's Thor? Did he...," she bites her lower lip. Maybe Loki just dreamed that she saved him. Maybe darkness won after all?
"He's on the way back to health, as could be expected from a bullhead such as him," Bruce tells her reassuringly. "Well, and of course because of a bullhead such as you."
She lets out a weary sigh. It worked. Odin may not be that much of a joke after all... even if she doubts that he has his hands in this somehow.
"Though I am curious...," Bruce grimaces, pushing his glasses up with his index finger. "What exactly did you do... with Thor? Judging by the amount of blood he lost and the extent of the injury..."
"To say it in your terms, he was clinically dead," Loki nods. He was dead. Thor... was dead.
"So... you can revive people as you want?" Bruce asks. Because Loki never mentioned that to him, that much is for sure.
"No," she shakes her head. "In fact I am neither proficient in healing... much to my mother's dismay."
"What do you mean?" Bruce asks.
"I learned from her how to heal wounds, but we soon realized that I only could do it for others to a certain extent. Once injuries are life-threatening... there's nothing I can do for this person," she admits. "It's different for myself. I can simply shift my energy into the places needed to heal myself, if I have enough left, but... for others... I can't do much beyond a certain point."
"So how did you manage with Thor? I mean... the wounds were healing up once we got to you, and ever since they are healing very fast," Bruce asks her. He knew that both Gods have great healing powers – and are not easily wounded in the first place, but when they found Thor, the wound kept on closing as they brought them back to the headquarters.
"To put it simple... I used a rare kind of magic. A chant from the former days," Loki licks her lips nervously. To say the least. Actually, it's forbidden magic, but that is a detail Loki will like to keep to herself, for good measure.
"So you can pull that all the while?" Bruce asks. "That would be a really convenient trick."
"No... it's an onetime chant, to put it simple. And that is why... I can't use it as I please," Loki exhales.
"Hm, then we will stick to good old bandages and ibuprofen for starters," he winks at her.
"That might be a good idea," Loki smirks as she unconsciously runs a hand over her throat.
"Though I wonder why you are not healed yet," Bruce nods at her throat, where is still a dark bruise from the whip. She runs her fingertips across the still rough skin with a faint smile tugging at her lips, "The spell weakened my abilities to a degree where it takes a while until I can actually summon my magic again... though it would go faster if I had all my strength."
Really, another thing to curse Odin for. This would have been much easier with her actual magic still in place, but no, the great Allfather had to rip it from the God of Mischief. Fear is a bothersome emotion, for all involved.
"But you will get those powers back, right?" Bruce asks with concern.
"Yes, yes... I'll be as good as new, probably by the end of today already," she assures him with a soft smile. Care, however, is a very... nice emotion, for all involved, if not overdone, of course. Because overly care is just... pathetic. And of course Loki is well aware that she is the Queen of Pathetic these days.
"I... I hope everyone else is okay?" Loki asks, shaking her head, closing her eyes for a second to clear her mind.
"Yeah, just scratches and bruises... and Tony whines about some dents in his suit, but other than that all are fine," Bruce smirks at her.
"That's good...," she sighs. "... is he awake yet?"
"Yeah, at least last I've seen him. We did try to make him lie down, with some straps, you know?" Bruce smirks, and Loki completes with a roll of her eyes, "No chance. That is something the healers gave up on long ago."
"So what do they do to hold him down?" Bruce asks curiously.
"... a very strong potion... we normally use it to knock out the horses," Loki smirks. "Though I doubt that you have an equivalent for that here on Earth."
"Hm, maybe we should smuggle some of it in here," Bruce winks at her.
"It might be a good idea," Loki smiles. "Though I can still knock him out, if I really want to."
She lets out a weary sigh, her skin still crawling from the remaining adrenaline.
"... I think I should see him," Loki whispers.
"Well, I would advise you to lie down some more still, but I don't think I can stop you even if I tried. I guess the horse tranquilizers are the only thing that'd work on you, too," Bruce smirks.
"Oh, they don't, actually. I'm immune to such things. Jotun blood. Most toxins have no effect on us," she shrugs as she gets up from the stretcher. Her knees almost give away as she puts weight on her legs, but Bruce supports her by the arm, "Take it easy for a moment. No need to rush things."
Loki sucks in a couple of deep breaths before she makes the first steps towards the door. Bruce lets go once he sees that she is fine and that the vertigo passes. It doesn't take a genius to see two things: One, Loki doesn't want any help. Two, she wants to be alone with Thor.
She makes her way to Thor's room, her heart beating in her chest so hard that she can hear it pounding in her ears. She reaches his door and opens it hesitantly, stepping inside. She finds the thunderer still heavily bandaged trying eagerly to stand on his own, though he has to hold on to the bed for support. He has his back to her, but even from behind she can tell that the color returned to his skin. Life claimed him again... it really worked.
"Do I have to get you the horse tranquilizers or will you lie down yourself?" Loki asks, her voice suddenly sounding very hoarse. Thor turns around, now taking notice of the young woman standing inside the room for the first time.
"Loki," he breathes, relief washing over him.
"Lie back down, Thor," she tells him again. Loki wants to sound angry, but in the end... her voice is soft and caring. Thor sits down on the edge of the bed. Of course the dull oaf has to get through his thick skull somehow. Loki moves around the bed to be face-to-face with him. She sits down in the chair next to him. His blue eyes travel down her body, taking in all the bruises, cuts, abrasions, and bandages. Thor stretches out his hand and brings it down against Loki's bruised throat. For a moment she wants to withdraw from his touch, but it doesn't hurt... for some reason. So she lets him.
"That should be healed by now," he grimaces with concern flooding him. She shouldn't have those bruises, those injuries. All because of him. Even now, even when he tried to, he failed to protect her.
"It will soon," she assures him.
"You shouldn't have that scar, though," he shakes his head.
"It won't leave a scar," she rolls her eyes at him. "You should know that. I just take some time till I can use my magic again to heal myself."
Thor grimaces at her.
"Now would you finally lie down?" she sighs.
"No," he grunts.
"Fine, then don't," she holds up her hands in surrender, trying to fake nonchalance. Both fall silent again, unsure what to say, or do. Thor contemplates on what Loki told him, and that is when his eyes narrow to thin slits.
"You used it," Thor grits his teeth, anger suddenly rising within him.
"Used what?" she huffs.
"Mother forbade you to ever make use of it, Loki!" Thor growls.
"Oh please," she rolls her eyes, but Thor doesn't waver, "It's forbidden magic, Loki."
"It's no black magic, if that is what you are hinting at," she argues.
"No black magic, but still a spell so dangerous that no sorcerer shall cast it," Thor hisses. "Mother told you that it could kill you to use that spell."
At some point Loki hoped that Thor forgot about this, but... Thor doesn't forget about these things. He forgets many other things, but when it is about dangers and concern, he will remember it till the day he dies.
"But apparently, I'm very much alive," she huffs.
"You could have died," he argues vehemently.
"And you would have died if I had not acted," she retorts, anger slowly rising within her. "You were already across the cliff, Thor. You were on the very verge of death. There was no other way to bring you back, but this."
"You shouldn't have, not at the cost of your life," Thor shakes his head, but that is when Loki slaps him across the cheek, hard. Thor blinks at her, surprised to find fresh tears welling up her eyes.
"Don't you dare!" she yells. Thor is dumbstruck.
"Don't you ever dare say that again! Let alone think!" she curses, gritting her teeth, but then her breath leaves her and she gasps for air, clutching at her chest.
"Loki, please," Thor grimaces, unsure what to say or do.
"No! You can't just play the hero on me like that! I'm none of the weak, frail maidens of Asgard you have to save, I'm none of the mortals here on Earth who cannot protect themselves! You can't play the shining hero in front of my eyes and jump into the crossfire for me!" she sneers against the tears that just keep on coming.
"I know you are none of that," Thor argues. "I wouldn't go that far for just anyone. I went that far because it was you."
"Oh please," she huffs. Loki knows that Thor would have done that for many people. Friends, family... the list is endless. He is a bloody Golden Prince after all. The wish to save, to protect, be righteous, it runs in his golden blood, though golden blood, as it turned out, also becomes red once it reaches the surface.
"I'm not talking about taking a blow and suffering injury," Thor debates.
"Then what?" she grimaces.
"To come back," he says in a soft voice. She blinks at him.
"It was... I heard your voice. In that darkness. You called out to me, didn't you?" he whispers.
"Yes...," she exhales.
"You know how it is with me, with Aesir," Thor grimaces.
"You happily lose your life in battle. If you do so by protecting someone dear to you, that is a good death," she nods. Foolish rules made by fools. What makes a death good? In the end it stays the same. People bleed, people hurt, people suffocate, their hearts stop beating. The last breath leaves them. Tears stream down their faces. They pale. Decay. There is nothing heroic about it. If you have two people dying next to each other, one who died protecting someone, the other not, they will still suffer the same pain, share the same last breath of air. Except for a self-conscious smile on his face, the hero will still go to the same place the other man will. So what is heroic about that? What makes it good? A foolish smile? A sweet lie? Is that worthwhile? No, most certainly not.
"And I would have happily died for you," Thor says.
"You can't just tell me that with a straight face and think that I will be proud of you, praise you for it. I hate this rule, Thor! I hate it with all my heart. It's stupid, it's foolish! Death isn't great, death is not heroic! I know what I'm talking about! I was there also, Thor. I saw the light and ran from it, as much as I wanted to let it embrace me. Dying for someone is easy," she says, biting her lower lip. "I learned that lesson by now. I wanted to die before. It's easy... even if for me... it's a bit more difficult, seemingly, because it takes quite a bit to actually make me die, but the decision... it's easy. And what comes after it is. Living for someone, that's hard, Thor. That's the true task."
Thor blinks at her.
"I chose not to die so may times, for your sake, Thor! I chose to live for you when I wanted to have sweet death claiming me. You know it! So don't you dare come me with this heroic speech of how you'd die for me! I don't want you to die for me, Thor! I can't!" she exclaims.
"What was I supposed to do, then? Let you die instead?" Thor argues. "You say I can't demand that from you, so you can't demand it from me either, Loki."
"Oh yes, I can! After all the suffering I took for you! After all the deaths I denied myself for your sake! After all I underwent to live, and actually live around you, I can demand it!" she snarls.
"You said it yourself, death is easy," he shakes his head.
"You can't demand from me after all I underwent to keep that one thing, to keep you alive. You can't just demand that from me! No! I won't accept that. The prospect of me perhaps dying against the certainty of you dying... it was the better chance, and I took it. Either way it would have been both our deaths, but like this... we are alive now!" she curses against the tears burning in her eyes. Damn, they are alive.
"But it mustn't happen that you sacrifice yourself like that for me," Thor argues.
"And it won't ever again. You know that I can only use it once," she retorts, angrily wiping at the tears standing in her eyes.
"I caused you so much pain in the past. Then how can I demand from you that you risk your life for me like that?" Thor asks her.
"You don't demand it, I demand it," she snarls. "I made this foolish and pitiful decision to live my life for you. That is something I have to live with, not you."
"That's not true, and you know it," Thor looks at her sternly. "You can't live for someone and then say this someone is not involved in it some way. I'm here, Loki. I'm here also. You can't just always exclude me."
"That's over now anyways," she sighs.
"... because we linked souls," Thor nods. He knows what this spell does, and why it is forbidden. Frigga told him so that he may make sure that Loki doesn't ever use it. It's a dangerous spell, so dangerous that most sorcerers do not even know of its existence. It's well hidden in the deepest corners of libraries, behind bars and locks, but... of course Loki had to learn about it anyway.
Thor can still recall how the trickster came to him when they were still much younger. Loki ran into Thor's room, closed the door, holding an old book in brown leather and golden ornament in front of his chest. How he tossed it on his bed, flipped to the right page and explained to the older brother how he found this in the forbidden rooms of the library, even though he found those spells much more interesting, and finally at a higher level than those awful healing spells Mother always made him practice. That this spell could bring back the dead. That it was so powerful to command not just objects but life itself. And then Mother came in, furious. They had never seen her that angry before. She took the book from Loki and told him to never dare touch it again. She then went on to explain that this power was hidden for good reasons. That it can kill the sorcerer who casts the spell – because one exposes one's own life essence, the soul, to that person the sorcerer chooses to bring back. And that the one who casts the spell may well lose his soul either in the process or within the other person's soul, and thus die, too. Frigga told Loki again and again that he may never cast this spell, for no one, not even for them. And Thor she told to make sure that his brother doesn't ever come to the idea again. The worry on their mother's face never left Thor's mind ever since that day. And now... here they are, centuries later... and it happened.
"In fact," she exhales. Loki knew the risks of the spell and that she may lose her life in this endeavor, but to to the trickster, this really doesn't matter. It never did. Not even Mother's tears from the past, when she told them about how dangerous this spell is. What bothers her, however, are the consequences of her apparent... success.
"... so did you see what I saw?" Thor asks, his voice raw.
"The light, the tunnel...," she hums, but he shakes his head, "You know what I mean. Did you see it, too? Hear it? Feel it?"
"You said it, our souls linked, so that you may have a bit of my essence to bring yours back into being. Our souls... touched," she grimaces.
"So it is true what I saw?" he asks again, now with a bit more strength.
"I don't know what you saw, Thor," she scolds, but he just keeps looking at her, which makes Loki realize that she won't maneuver out of this situation with a joke or some snotty comment.
"I don't come around the truth, do I?" she sighs.
"No," he shakes his head. He has to know. Has to.
"When this spell is cast... two souls are bound together. One gives, the other takes. They touch. They intercept. Create space where there once was none. When you do that, then... the souls are exposed to the deepest core of the self. And that is... what is also transmitted across to the other," she bites her lower lip, not meeting his eyes.
"So your voice I heard, the light I saw... it was all real," Thor says.
"Yes," she whispers.
"... so those feelings... are still real to you as they are to me," Thor goes on. Loki closes her eyes. What a success is it when everything is just crushed over again? She saw it, heard it, felt it. Thor bears her the affection that she always sought, the one Loki accused him of that he didn't. That Thor only bore her brotherly concern – and that even if he made himself believe that he loved Loki for the woman she is now... it was no more than a sweet lie for both. But in that darkness, she saw the light – and that light showed her the truth she didn't want to know. That he loves her just like that. So much that it hurts. Sizzles. Burns. Freezes.
Loki glances to the side, shame washing over her in waves. Wrong in being right. And right in being wrong all along.
"So you know how I feel for you," Thor goes on. In that darkness he heard his own thoughts as an echo. If this carried across to Loki, then she must know by now. That means she should finally see that he held true to his promise, this hushed little promise he made to her when she bore a different name, a different dress, when he didn't know it was her.
"... yes," she croaks. He told her, so many times by now... but only in that moment, Loki had to make herself believe it, because there was no distance between them, no space for lies or insecurities. In this state of mergence, two souls do not only come together, they are stripped to their most basic and truest feelings and emotions, so far that even the lies people tell themselves disperse into thin smoke and leave nothing but truth.
"... and what I heard and saw... it's what you feel for me also," Thor goes on. Loki is unable to reply, but that is answer enough to Thor. Both remain silent for a while until Loki gathers a bit of her courage again to speak up, "... though it shouldn't actually come as a surprise... we both said it before. It's something we could have guessed... if not know... what that brings or changes for us remains the question, however."
"It changes everything," Thor argues. "We are soulmates, Loki. We are bound by destiny now, in a deeper way than ever. You know the spell, you know what it does. Our souls touched, met. They were one. And we won't ever find a deeper connection to someone else."
"If you believe that this was my ultimate scheme to bind you to myself, then believe me that it wasn't," she huffs.
"Loki, don't joke about this, will you?" he demands.
"I'm sorry," she bows her head. No, they shouldn't joke about it. It's too severe to degrade it in that way. Loki knows that Thor is right, and he shall be damned for being right, for once.
"... then will you answer my question?" Thor asks. "What is now still between us? Why can't we just... be this? If you feel this way and I feel this way? What holds us? What keeps us apart when even our souls are connected now?"
"Blood," Loki replies simply, which makes Thor only frown at her, so she carries on, "We are still children of different realms. We cannot ever change that circumstance. Just as we cannot change the past in which we both hurt one another, scarred, cut, pushed away and back together again. You're Aesir, I'm Jotun. You're future King of Asgard... I'm an outlaw banished to Midgard no one in Asgard ever wants to see around again, pretending to be human to have something to hold on to. We cannot mend this because in the end... we are and will always be parted by our blood."
"No matter what bloodline crosses between us, our souls are irrevocably one now, Loki. And no blood runs within the soul. There is just energy and truth in it. And the truth is that neither one of us actually cares about our heritage and that our love reaches further than does the blood feud of Asgard and Jotunheimr," Thor argues.
"It isn't meant to be, Thor," Loki argues.
"You don't care for destiny, Loki, you never did. You always said that we decide for ourselves, that we are the masters of our lives. That is the paradigm you lived by. You never wanted to be subordinate in your own life. You never accepted some authority, and be it destiny itself, to claim stake over your life," Thor argues.
"And yet it happened! Maybe not destiny itself, but you!" she bites her lower lip. Thor blinks at her.
"I already told you. The reason why I chose to live is... because of you. I live for you. As pitiful and foolish as it is. I live my life for you. And I did for longer than I want to admit. My paradigm... it's you. Don't you see that what we have is unconditional love?" she grimaces.
"... and isn't that... good?" Thor frowns, but she shakes her head vehemently, "No, it's not. It's not good, Thor. It's hurtful, for the both of us. Don't you see that? I know it's a tempting concept. I find myself in love with it also. Because it means that the love may survive through all hardships, but... a love that is unconditional... it means that either one can do anything – and the other is still bound to love you, accept it. You had to take so much pain because of me. Because of the lies I told you. Because of my schemes. The pain I caused Mother. The shame of that night. The humiliation at your coronation. That I pushed you away even when you made your feelings clear to me. And I just wouldn't believe in them. And so much more that's better left unspoken. And still... still you love me. Isn't that sick?! Isn't that wrong?! It should be wrong. No one should live like this, love like this. With this kind of love, we only grant each other chances to do each other wrong, over and over again. We will only end up hurting each other, Thor."
"But we don't have to," Thor argues. "Maybe it'll be all good from this point on. Because it's a parallel situation now. We both know about our feelings, we saw the truth, felt it. There is no longer any denial. And wasn't that what caused us all the pain? That we were living in denial?"
"I caused you pain not only because of the denial, Thor. You well know that. I honestly ask myself just what would you still love about me other than perhaps my looks and our shared past. All I bring about is pain and sorrow. I'm the God of Mischief, so who are we kidding? I'm neither Aesir, nor real Jotun, at least my real father saw it like that and left me to die, I'm no human either, I'm no man, no woman. Just everything about me and within me seems to be a lie. How could you love me for any of this if it's all just smoke and ashes?" she shakes her head.
"You never made it easy for me," Thor smirks faintly. Loki blinks at him. What?
"Already as children, you never accepted your position as second to the throne. You always wanted to outmatch me, surpass me, be one step ahead. But it went further than that, because you always taunted me, questioned me," Thor says.
"I was a defiant child," she huffs. "So what?"
"And you gave me chase," he smirks.
"That was Maya, not me," Loki snorts.
"Yet, you are Maya. Loki, there is no way to deny it anymore. You were, you are Maya. This is you. In that moment where it was just the two of us and all doubts left you... it was you," Thor argues, glad for the first time that he can finally say that – knowing it.
"Even if so... what's it to you? To me, this is just another instance in which I caused you pain," she sighs.
"It took me a long time to see, but... that is what I loved about you, ever since," Thor explains, looking her deep in the eye to make himself clear, the hushed words resonating between them once again:
"Your eyes speak the truth." – "They mirror your feelings."
"What do they say?" – "That you mean it."
"Then so believe in the honesty of my heart. When I see your eyes, they speak the truth." – "And the truth is... I feel for you."
"You always questioned me, gave me chase, made me move, pushed me, shoved me... to make me move forward, to make me change," Thor smiles at her faintly.
"Oh, how joyous. Even as not your fair maiden, I had no better to do than treat you as my husband and make you my obedient servant, form you like clay?" she huffs.
"You formed me in some way, but a good way, Loki," Thor assures her. "It's because you managed to do ever since what I failed to do until of late."
"And that would be?" Loki blinks at him.
"You saw more in me than what I was or am, the Prince of Asgard. You saw in me the man behind that title. You saw all my flaws, all my mistakes, and then granted me a chance to change myself, improve, while at the same time... and that is what I know now, you still loved me despite these mistakes. And it's just so, so many. You are not the only one who caused pain. I caused you probably even more pain than you ever possibly could, Loki, for I am... a coward."
This time she stares at him. Thor saying that he is a coward? Maybe she is actually caught up in some weird nightmare after all? That can't possibly be, can it?
"Why... would you be a coward?" she brings out.
"I ran away. I ran away from you, over and over. I ran from my romantic feelings for you and pushed them behind the curtains of brotherly affection. I turned to my friends more often as a child so that I wouldn't be confronted with any of this. I ran from the responsibility. I hardly stood up to you when Father punished you... and by the Gods, I didn't stand by you when he took your children. I actually, literally turned my back on you, left the chambers. Left you behind in your misery, terror, dread and blood. Something I will never be able to forgive myself for," he declares, his voice giving up on him by the end, emotion overtaking him. Just how much he regrets all of it now...
"And the morning after the night you appeared to me as Maya... I did the same thing again. Because I felt so utterly ashamed of myself and feared others to look down on me, for Father to degrade me, deny me the throne, deny me as his son... I pushed the blame on you, said it was an evil trick, that you must have enchanted me somehow, all to get your revenge on us for not telling you of your true heritage or something of the like. And that even though I knew you didn't. Even though I knew, deep down, that it was honest, tender feelings – and that I had honestly declared my love to you that very night, and meant it. I ran from you," Thor shakes his head. How could he?
"And then when you were banished and I was on Earth... I didn't dare to come close to you, fearing your reaction, your eyes. I stayed aloof, stayed with the Avengers... I didn't bother if you had enough food or if you had somewhere to live. All I was concerned about was myself and my sorrows and pains that I, conveniently, loaded upon your shoulders. And when you came to the Avengers... I pushed you away again, pushed away all those feelings, got overtaken by selfishness and anger... and treated you the way I did, just the way I did before. I ran away, all this time. And you had to pay the price... doesn't that make me a coward, truly?" Thor speaks, and Loki, for the first time in a long time, is actually left dumbstruck. She never expected such honesty from him, or rather such openness about his feelings, and to actually take the blame.
"I ran from the one person I always truly loved, from the one person who took me for who I am, so really, you're not the only one who's made mistakes, Loki. You're not the only one. And more than anything I'm sorry that we had to go this far for me to finally be able to admit that. I could have spared you a lot of pain if I had reached that epiphany sooner," Thor shakes his head sadly. "Nevertheless... I think that this might still be our chance. Now you know. Now I know."
"... but I'm no longer this person, Thor, the one you fell in love with," Loki argues in a soft voice. Thor blinks at her, "What?"
"You say you love me for the one who always disobeyed, pushed you, pushed everyone, because I fought with all my might, correct?" Loki questions, Thor nods, though he doesn't know exactly what Loki is trying to get across.
"But I don't fight anymore. I lost that edge. I... accepted. I accepted this life here, or whatever you may call it. This life is a lie, once again, a sweet lie. I try to make myself believe that this banishment is actually no banishment, but some wink of fate. I make friends, decorate my room, go shopping, pretend to be human," she sighs. She takes a moment to regain focus.
"... and then I wear this face," she huffs, tears freshly creeping up to her lashes.
"Loki, I assure you, it's not about your physical appearance that I feel for you," Thor assures her quickly, visibly at a loss.
"No, I know. It's not about that. You see... I chose this face for three reasons. First, it's easiest, as I told you, because it is my natural female form. Second, I wanted to hurt you with this, revive old memories. As much as I tried to deny it, it was satisfactory to see you squirming and sweating uncomfortably at the memories of Maya and that night coming back to you. And finally, I chose to wear it as my last defiance against Odin... and isn't that truly pathetic? Even now I try to get back at the old man in some way... even if he obviously doesn't even care anymore," she snorts.
"Why is that defiance against Odin?" Thor questions.
"Odin changed my appearance into that of an Aesir child when he took me from Jotunheimr, out of that temple where I was left to die, because I was too small for a giant. He gave me the face I wore as Loki, the Aesir God of Mischief, the male God of Mischief, but this face?" she runs a shaky hand over her cheek. "He had nothing to do with it. Odin never saw it, actually. This is my true form, a form he's never seen. He didn't give it to me. It's mine and mine alone. I designed it. I made it, created it. It's my female form, a form I was denied for almost all my life in Asgard, because at first no one would tell me about my true heritage as a Jotun, and therefore the fluid sex, and later... with my children... they just tried to cover up for the fact that this was indeed me also. Yet... here I dared to wear it again. And I found myself... more than just liking it. I felt like this was... me."
"Then what is wrong about that?" Thor frowns at her.
"It's a lie also, Thor. I try to make myself believe that this is a last defiance, that this actually makes a difference. By the end of the day, it's still the same me, wearing a different face. I tell myself that I'm significant in that way that this actually is a defiance to the Allfather, or even to you. I pretend to be this... human woman with a better heart, a kinder nature, one who knows humbleness and honesty, who holds friendships dear, and dares to live. But in the end I only pretend, for in truth I am a banished God who thought he mattered in some way, though he did not. And... I accepted that, for about a year now. A year. I lost the fight and accepted my destiny as a fallen God. I lost to Odin long time ago. I lost to destiny. And I did not fight it. At all. I never searched for a way out of Midgard ever since I was banished to here. I mean, back in Asgard, I found a way to travel without the Bifröst. I could surely repeat that again, but... I lost my will to fight. What you love about me, as you say, that I always fight back, always struggle, never give up... it's no longer true. I'm no longer this person... I gave up," she explains, her voice full of dread. She bows her head and brings up her hands to her scalp, painfully twisting her raven curls between her long fingers, needing the pull, the pain, to ground herself.
"You didn't give up because you lost, Loki," Thor argues. Loki looks back up to him.
"You gave up because you won, because you still win, with every day passing, if only you finally saw that and accepted it," Thor goes on.
"... what did I win?" she grimaces against the fresh tears standing in her eyes.
"What you always wished for. Now you have a place you call home. You have friends, good friends, who stand by you in times of battle and crisis, who even try to mediate between us even though it bothers them out of their minds. You are at a place away from Odin, after all the pain he's caused you, away from the throne. You have a life here, Loki. I know it's not the sublime life in a palace, with servants, golden halls, diamonds and rubies, but still... it's a good life. You enjoy yourself. You laugh with them, you honestly laugh with them, like spending time with them. You talk to them, even about the private things. That is something you didn't even do with the Warrior Three or Lady Sif. You never felt this close with anyone else but Mother and me perhaps. This life here is good, for you. You made it good for you," Thor explains.
"Make the best out of the misery? Is that really my one and only achievement... all I can dare to wish for?" she shakes her head sadly. She knows that Thor is right. She knows that this life... is actually her reason to live. Those people. The house. Her room. Everything. That is what she lives for these days. And it doesn't really bother her inside her heart, if not for this dreading pull at her soul that it's all a lie, that it's all dictated by the Allfather at some end. That he is still the puppetmaster, looming above her. That this micro-cosmos is only there for the sake of the banishment, like a goldfish in a bowl considers that sphere its home until it's confronted with the outside world when the water is changed for the first time and the fish is taken out. As much as she loves this blissful state of somewhere in between, of friends and normalcy, she can't shake off the feeling that she is just telling herself a lie. Because there is something beyond the fish bowls – and she well knows that there is. She has been there.
"No, but that you see that you don't have to fight for it anymore, Loki. Because you already have it. This is something no one can take from you again. Don't you see that? Those bonds you established, the friendships you built up, that's nothing anyone can take from you again. It's yours. This life is yours. This face you say is a lie... it's truth. You said it yourself. It's your natural form. It's you. This is you. All of it is you. Perhaps everything before was more of an act... and this is actually the real you, once you take away the lies Odin forced upon you, the lies you forced upon you by yourself, and the lies I forced upon us both also. I saw your soul, Loki, I know that I'm right. And deep down you know that I am. That this is your gain, your victory. If only you accepted it to this end. If only you finally allowed yourself to win, for once, allow yourself to find peace. You could have everything you wanted, if you just dared to take what is given to you deliberately, Loki. Not always does everything have to be a fight of life and death," Thor tells her. And Loki can do nothing, say nothing, just look at him speaking the truth that reaches all the way up this eyes and thus back to her.
"... and you could have me, too, if you wanted," he whispers. "We are both here. We know each other's feelings. We are literally soulmates. We love one another to the point that we live and die for each other. That's the way it is. The question is if you can accept that as your gain... or if it is still a loss to you. I cannot make that decision for you, and I wouldn't even if I could. I love you. And I won't ever run away from that again. I can promise you that, but it's up to you. It's... your life."
Loki looks him in the eye again... and is met by nothing but honestly, pure, from the bottom of his heart emotion. Is it that easy, really? Is the solution to their oh so complicated, everlasting problem, fight, struggle, strife that reached all the way from lies to unspoken truths over defiance, neglect, punishment, over running away and back to each other, banishment, life and death... really that easy? Can their love possibly be an easy one after all? Can ruins be fixed? Can you mend two broken hearts? Loki doesn't know. She just doesn't. A part of her can't imagine, another is dreading, pleading, crawling on its knees to believe, while yet another hides in the corner in fear of what will come if she dares to hope, and has those hopes crushed again in the face of reality.
But then Loki looks at Thor again, at those pools of truth and warmth, this warmth that reaches all the way through her very being, touches her soul, melts the ice and frost of years of dread and loneliness engulfing her.
And that is when Loki tentatively moves her shaking hand over to his, at first her fingertips barely stroking against the back of Thor's hand, but his fingers welcoming stretch out for her to intertwine between the gaps he leaves open for her to creep in between before he closes his fist again, pressing against her frail fingers only hard enough to give her this foreign yet so familiar feeling of security.
Because there is no longer distance between them.
And both dare to hope that this will close the gap between them, mend their broken hearts.
TBC (don't you worry, it's not over yet!)