Author's Note: Heyho, guys! If you read this, thanks for sticking with my story ;) I'm sorry that posting took me considerably long again. It's just that this is the part I still have to bridge to the next major arc I have in mind, and I did some alterations to the story in general, which is why I have to rewrite an re-imagine some of my scenes/chapters to make them fit into the current context.
Any-way, I still hope you'll enjoy this chapter.
As always, read, review, and hopefully enjoy ;)
In the aftermath of Gorr's wrath and the Norse Gods' decision, Thor was, finally, released from the sickbay a few days ago, now fully back to health. Same is true for Loki. And both are finally able to part again without Thor's skin crawling to the point of madness, something both actually shared mixed feeling about. It was a great relief to finally have the freedom to stroll around independently, without the fear that someone may end up hurt, though this fear actually stood on no ground. However, there was a certain kind of magic, actually, in the proximity they were forced to share. Literally so, it brought them closer together, after what felt like eons of time and thousands of miles between them, even when they used to be face to face, rekindling, repairing the bond once ruptured, which left both with stumps of broken cords, broken bonds, in their chests. The sickbay provided them with what felt like a protective womb, engulfing them in orange light and warmth, shutting out all sound and noise, all troubles and sorrows, the dark shadows of the past and the foreboding that lies in the unknown future beyond. And faced with their rebirth out of that protective womb, both honestly felt a pull of dread inside of them – to leave this cosmos that only contained them. Especially Loki had to admit to herself that she felt quite uneasy of leaving this oh so perfect state of in-between, but perhaps, or so she figured, it was merely the aftermath of what happened the night she spent as Maya. Back then she also dared to be born inside a protective womb of tender feelings and love – and a part of her still remembered how forcefully she was ripped out of it by dusk. Even if she knew it wouldn't happen that way ever again, there was this fear within her that stepping out of this comfort zone would mean that they would lose the magic that held them together this way. Some scars simply fade, but don't fade away.
However, once she passed the threshold, Loki didn't feel this sensation so deeply engrained into her being – because Thor, the dull yet adorably dull oaf he is, grasped her hand. Not long, only briefly, merely a brush of the fingertips, no more. After all, Loki told him quite sternly that he would do better not to do so in public. Not because she fears to be uncovered by the Avengers, for they obviously know already, and did long since before the Norse Gods decided to have the decisive conversation. No, it's quite simply that Loki wasn't and possibly won't ever be the person who is "lovey-dovey". She doesn't want others involved in her matters of heart, and with whom she shares whatever tender emotions or touches. Even if she is what Tony calls a "Drama Queen", long before she turned to her female shape, Loki actually enjoys the silence and cloak of secret looming around her and her heart. It protected the trickster of the evils the world tossed at her over the past eons. Some feelings are just easy to give away – anger, resent, even sadness, but love and tenderness was something Loki had to regard as a weak spot for a long time, since it marked more than one downfall for the God of Mischief. A lesson learned for the trickster was thus to keep her heart a secluded place, only open to those she allowed inside, only those she knew she could trust not to tear it down again.
However, at this brief instant of proximity, it actually helped her to step outside, leave the protective womb and allow Thor's absolute faithfulness to claim her for once also. He said he believes in them, and Loki dares to hope also.
That was a few days back. Currently, Loki is sitting cross-legged in one of the test rooms, a massive cube of metal in front of her. She puckers her lips angrily, narrowing her eyes at the object, soft but hissed curses dribbling from of her mouth. She holds both her hands out again, closing her eyes to better concentrate. Green light engulfs her palms but other than that, nothing happens. Loki lets out a grunt and starts to angrily pace around. Curses die on her tongue once again. Her raven hair seems as though electrocuted by a surge of energy flooding through her.
"Loki?" Thor's voice rings from the entrance as he steps inside, obviously testing the waters, since his steps are actually a bit hesitant.
"What is it?" she hisses as she whips her head around, but then sucks in a deep breath to calm down. It's not his fault after all. "What is it?" the trickster repeats another time, now more calmly.
"Nothing... but what are you doing with that cube of metal?" Thor frowns, knitting his eyebrows at her.
"Ah, it's stupid. No, it's actually nothing at all," she grimaces. "And you would probably do better to just leave me be in my madness. I fear I won't be good company at this point."
"Just say what it is," Thor argues sternly, though in a soft voice.
"It's absolutely pathetic. I don't even know why I do it. After all, it's something I long since knew," she shakes her head.
"Loki, talk to me, don't always shut me out about the troubles that burden your heart. We had that before, and you know where that used to lead us," Thor argues, now more seriously. Loki looks at him, but then shrugs her shoulders – she knows he is right, though she doesn't like it.
"I tried to move it," she exhales, nodding at the cube.
"If you want me to, I can lift it," Thor grimaces, but Loki holds up her hands, "No, no, no! That would be even worse!"
"Then what is the matter with you?" Thor frowns.
"The matter is that I can't lift it with my magic," she breaks out. "And you know that I used to."
"Yeah," Thor exhales. He can still recall how Loki once moved an entire ship out of harm's way as it crashed down from the sky.
"I just realized once again that I'm limited, thanks to the Allfather. And to say it in Stark's words – that sucks," she grumbles, kicking against the cube to send it flying backwards almost effortlessly.
"But you can still move it," Thor jokes weakly. He knows how much magic means to Loki, always did. It was what made the trickster stand out, what he could always shine with, because it was something none of the others could do the way he did. For someone who always had to rely on himself and who actually took pleasure in defying any social norm whatsoever, it stands to reason that the God of Mischief sought strengths inherently his. And to be without... at some point Thor was honestly asking himself why Loki didn't seem so upset when he came to stay with the Avengers for the first time, deprived of this kind of magic. However, that is seemingly coming to light now.
"I mean, it's not like I don't know that this is the state of affairs," Loki exhales, her chest heaving, "and it mostly doesn't waver me as much anymore because I found new magic to fetch from. And because I always knew it stood to reason that Odin took certain abilities from me, such as the traveling of the realms. Or else my banishment never would have been a banishment outside the dungeons. However, now that my powers are returning to me after the spell... they seem so little again."
And more than anything, Loki still hates it to be little, small, because her magic used to be her protective shield, what covered up for other shortcomings sadly hers also. The realization that the Allfather compromised even that shield, this last bastion between her and the threatening outside world, hurts her more than Loki would like to admit.
"You're still a strong sorceress," Thor argues. "And a good fighter."
"And this particular power is not too bad to lose, in battle, for I actually bear the physical strength on earth to cover up for that, but...," she bites her lower lip, "but I hate it to realize that the Allfather took this particular kind of magic from me. Losing the freedom of travel was one thing, this is another."
"How?" Thor questions. He always thought that the punishment of being stuck in one place would mark a greater curse for Loki, not the act of being unable to lift heavy things.
"You know that such a magic was actually not inherent to me," Loki explains. Thor nods silently.
"I'm born a shapeshifter. That I gathered Aesir magic is thanks to Mother's doing. And the one that reaches beyond stems from traveling the realms and gathering it," Loki exhales, her voice almost humming at the memories of voyage. "What makes me angry, still, is that what Odin took from me was not merely the traveling. He took something from me that I gathered and learned by myself, for myself. I spent years of time to refine my skills, to cover up for my otherwise weaker body. I mean... I'm not weak, obviously, but I was always more of the intellectual person than the man of muscles."
"True," Thor smirks.
"Well... not that this was very difficult when in comparison to your friends... I mean... Fandral, women, Volstagg, food, and the rest of you, fight... it's not like there was much else on your mind," Loki shrugs mischievously. Thor chuckles.
"However, with this kind of magic... it was mine, and mine alone. A part of me dreads that he took a part of my life away, of the person I am. This is also what defines me, not just the matters of transport," Loki admits.
"If you want me to, I can still talk to Father if he...," Thor wants to say, but Loki quickly interrupts him, "I will personally behead you if you dare do that."
"But wouldn't it be...," Thor means to argue, but Loki is having none of it, "I will not discuss that with you. You will not, ever, ask Odin for any so such favor!"
"Yes, yes, if that's your wish," Thor holds up his hands defensively.
"It is," she snarls. "It's enough to be that pathetically weak. I will not give him that satisfaction also, never again."
Thor can't help but smirk, which is why he bows his head lightly. He can still recall how Loki insisted that she lost the will to fight, but here she stands, and she is finally back to herself, a bit more, that is. Loki is having that flicker in her eyes again, something Thor believed had died, and a part of him was honestly sad that this was on the verge of happening. However, to see her now, trying again, to find back to herself, it makes him honestly happy. He wants Loki to be Loki again, safe for trying to take over the world, but Thor has a quite simple philosophy, at least he found back to it by now: You have to love your loved ones for who they are, and that includes who they were and who they will be.
"Can't you fetch it again?" Thor asks hesitantly. "If it is such a matter of heart to you?"
"Sadly no. I tried for the past time I spent here on Midgard. There are limits to my magic now, limits that weren't there before, limits... I can't undo," she grits her teeth, before she mutters under her breath, "I curse you, Odin."
"I'm sorry for that," Thor grimaces. Perhaps it's something that will always stand between them. They can forgive each other for their mistakes and wrongdoings, but whatever Odin does or did, it's something Thor can't undo, and something Loki will possibly always resent the Allfather for, and thus partly him also. Sometimes, blood truly is a curse.
"It's not your fault that your father is seemingly a blithering fool... after all, who am I to talk? My father tried to kill your father, and you, and me... and everyone...," she rolls her eyes, flashing a soft smile. "Blood feuds are tiring business."
"Truly," Thor agrees.
"Perhaps I should start to engage in the old arts of Voodoo," Loki mutters, causing Thor to smile again.
"Although I don't find this kind of magic too intriguing. I never was a doll's person," Loki wrinkles her nose at the thought.
"No, you most certainly weren't. I still remember what Mother used to say what you did with whatever toy resembling an animal or Aesir or monster that you got into your hands, already as a toddler," Thor chuckles softly at the memory.
"I ripped their heads off," Loki shrugs nonchalantly. "Later on I learned to use my magic. That was much more fun – and served actually a purpose because I could refine my skills."
"Mother was very much concerned because of the morbidity of the action. You even had a small graveyard for them," Thor smirks.
"She kept giving me new ones. What was I supposed to do?" Loki argues with a smile. She can still remember how Frigga would try again and again to convince the small boy to play with these toys, but Loki just took them, glanced at them for a few seconds, and then did with them whatever came to his wicked mind. It was not really aggression, at least the trickster doesn't think so, but it was rather the feeling that these stuffed figures were means to belittle him, something Loki utterly disliked.
The God of Mischief glances at the cube again, letting out a weary sigh. Loki knows it shouldn't burden her anymore, not if she dares to believe in what Thor told her, about how she won. Why is she still complaining about missing capabilities when she was fine without? Just why do her airways constrict at the sight of this cube, as though it actually bore some power over her. It's a cube of massive metal after all!
"Well, if you can't fetch it somehow... Can't you simply relearn it?" Thor asks, his voice soft.
"I tried to actually relearn it ever since stranded on Midgard. This magic won't return to me. I suppose that Odin wanted to make sure that I may never cause havoc on Midgard the way I did before... though I don't see what I would do with this particular magic... other than moving some buildings around, perhaps... Or it's his personal vendetta... maybe both. Thinking about it, most possibly both," Loki grimaces. She knows that Odin hates her, how couldn't he, right? A son who denies his father love? Who denies him tenderness ever since the secrets uncovered? A son who only has scorn for him? And anger? Who killed his own father, and almost to kill his adoptive father also? How would you bear tender feelings for such a person, and now in the shape of what the father called a whore behind closed curtains?
"It won't return to me, seemingly," Loki exhales. "At least not on my own. With the amplifiers, yes, but... not by myself. And you know that I hate it to be dependent that way."
"Indeed," Thor nods. "But you already gathered other magic, right? Maybe it just takes a bit more time for you to uncover the secret?"
"The problem is that magic on Midgard is very... rudimentary. Whatever I could gather, I gathered, but other than that, no. And here comes the problem that Odin banned my traveling. I can't go around and seek new masters or new spells," she exhales, the corner of her mouth twitching involuntarily. Thor steps up to her to stand only inches from her back, not close enough for them to touch, but enough for her to feel his warm breath brushing over her scalp.
"Maybe you just have to look at it differently," Thor shrugs.
"What now?" Loki grimaces, her eyes fixed on the block in front of her, arms crossed over her chest.
"Well. You remember that I was not always as proficient in wielding Mjölnir," Thor smirks.
"At first you could hardly lift the hammer," Loki snickers at the memory of how pathetically Thor tried again and again to lift the hammer. Once he finally managed to, he would often end up falling back when trying to swing it, though, which always made Loki laugh so hard that he almost toppled over.
"Well, at first I thought I just had to train my muscles to finally manage," Thor explains, "but then I realized that it wasn't just physical strength that would allow me the mastery."
"What? You actually used your brain for once?" Loki huffs.
"In fact. It's just that I realized that I was focusing on mastering it when I should have focused on simply lifting it, and then on swinging it, and so on," Thor shrugs.
"Step by step," Loki nods.
"I know it must be hard to start with those little tasks again, when you already learned how to move even bigger and heavier things," Thor grimaces sympathetically, "but if you actually want to learn it again, get it back... maybe that is a way to."
"Well, maybe not the way you think entirely," Loki says, her mind obviously working on solutions already. "though the main idea is actually good, I'm bound to admit."
"Then why would you have to do it differently?" Thor asks curiously.
"Because Odin blocked certain abilities of mine. I cannot fetch them again, no matter how hard I try. It's as though a part inside my mind is jammed, just like someone who can't move a limb because of a disease of the brain. And I cannot move around that circumstance, but maybe if I do what you say... and try step by step... then I may find where it falters. Because I can lift things with the mind. It's just that once they get too heavy, I can't anymore. Once I know that point where I fail, I may be able to move past it, move around it, build a new bridge so I may move that limb again... that may actually work."
"Does that mean I actually gave you an advice, though I'm the man of muscles?" Thor chuckles.
"Oh, curb your enthusiasm, God of Thunder," Loki scolds. "Even a blind hen sometimes finds a grain of corn."
Thor takes the opportunity to grasp her loosely around the waist. She rolls her eyes, but doesn't brush him off. They stay like that for a while, finding comfort in the warmth of the embrace and the sudden flash of hope that is now reflected in the gray of the metal cube in front of them.
"Though I am curious, when do you plan to go back to Asgard?" Loki asks, her voice humming, her eyes fixed on the cube ahead of her.
"What? I don't have any plans," Thor knits his eyebrows at her, rather confused. "Why?"
"Just curiosity. I mean, I still think it's a miracle that you didn't have the Warrior Three, the Lady Sif, Mother, and the Allfather himself standing at your bedside," Loki snorts. "After all, their Golden Prince of Asgard and successor to the throne was critically wounded."
"They don't know about that," Thor shrugs.
"What? Don't you have to report all the while?" Loki grimaces. At least that is what he told her – and that was most certainly one of the functions of his visits on Aesir grounds up to this point.
"I didn't in a longer time," Thor admits.
"Really?" Loki frowns. "I thought that the only way you wouldn't report would be injury. Which was the state of affairs of late, but not for the last couple of days."
"I just did not feel like it," Thor shrugs. Loki turns around abruptly, narrowing her eyes at him suspiciously, "You have a reason other than not feeling like it. So spill already."
"I assure you that I just...," Thor means to say, but Loki is having none of it, "Thor Odinson. You should know better than to lie to me. You're still talking to the God of Mischief. You hardly manage to lie to me at all, so don't even try. What did the Allfather or whoever else say or do so that you feel the urge to persistently stay not only on Midgard, but also aloof in terms of your reports?"
"Father is in a bad disposition as of late," Thor sighs. "And he digs too deep into what is my business."
"... he's asked about what is going on in Midgard?" Loki asks.
"Yes," Thor nods.
"And so he asked about my actions, too," Loki concludes.
"Yes," Thor sighs, now almost sadly.
"What did he say?" Loki demands, her face a straight line.
"Nothing against you, I assure you," Thor says quickly. "It's just that the last time... I told him how great you do here, and how much you do for the people."
"Let me guess," Loki sighs heavily. "He didn't want to hear it."
"Sadly no," Thor grimaces. "And that made me very angry. Which is why I kept a distance to Asgard for a while."
"You're a dull oaf after all, Thor. You shouldn't try to be at strife with the Allfather. That can backfire on you," Loki lectures him.
"He is my Father. As such, I can tell him openly if I think he is wrong," Thor argues, which makes Loki laugh out loudly, "Oh, good, good, too easy-believing Thor. You have to understand that Odin will always be two men at once: the man who is your Father, but also the Father of All. He is the current King of Asgard. If you talk to him now, you talk to him not only as his son, but also as his successor, the one to take over once Odinsleep has claimed him. Since a long time you don't talk solely privately anymore. This is looming above your heads in centuries already."
"I still think it was the better choice to keep a distance. That didn't anger him the way it would have if I had taken the opportunity of argument," Thor shakes his head.
"That is of course true, but you would probably do better to just keep from him your discontent and curse at him in silence. I actually went well with that for quite some time," she argues.
"But only for a given time," Thor argues. "And it pained you, remember?"
"Not as much as other things," Loki shrugs.
"Well, I will not keep silent," Thor states sternly.
"Brave you are," Loki chuckles softly. "And foolish also."
"I thought you don't want Odin to know what is going on here," Thor grimaces.
"And I most certainly don't," Loki agrees. "However, you have to keep in mind that I am at his mercy, still, whether I like it. So if he knew that we are now on 'good' terms on a higher level than perhaps adequate colleagueship... I don't know how he'd like that anyway. So you do better to keep close to him to make sure he does not catch sight of what is below the clouds he peeks through from his mighty throne in Asgard."
"You think Father would do that?" he grimaces.
"You think he wouldn't?" she returns. And at some point Thor doesn't know. His father turns away the moment the thunderer mentions Loki's name and wishes not to discuss the matter, unless the trickster did something to earth. Frigga asks about Loki constantly, yes, but Odin? No. Perhaps the fury he still feels at Loki's actions is overpowering him so much when he hears that name rolling from someone's lips that he just has to shut down, shut away his feelings. And Thor would like to reassure Loki that the Allfather does not think like that, feel such anger, does not act like that and turn away not only from the name but from the God of Mischief also. Yet, it's as she says – Thor can hardly lie to her. Loki knows.
"So if I were you, I'd go to see him soon," she shrugs, purposely adopting a lighter tune. She doesn't want Thor to burden himself with his father's heavy heart. After all, it's seemingly heavy thanks to her wrongdoings. Loki knows how deeply Thor cares about Odin and Frigga, all the same, they are his parents. It might be that she is no longer granted to be part of this, or to have such a bond of family, with either the Aesir or her true heritage born out of Laufey's blood, but Loki will not deny it her loved one, who is Thor after all. She knows how paining it is to fight the one person supposed to love you. She knows how much it hurts to no longer know him on your side. She doesn't wish that upon Thor. Loki wants to protect him from that with all her might. He doesn't deserve such dread. It would take his wonderfully cheerful and hopeful smile away from him. And Loki needs that smile to hold on to. It is what saved her before and what she dares to hope in now. If she lost that to Odin also, then that would truly mean she lost the fight.
"Then I guess I am about to go to Asgard soon, aren't I?" he sighs.
"I guess so," she shrugs.
"But not until a few days from now," he smirks. "After all, I am not yet fully recovered, right?"
He pulls her closer again.
"You are a fool, Thor, you know that, right?" she huffs playfully.
"A fool who's allowed to hold you in his arms," Thor snickers. He knows that Loki will always put up a fight – but that is what he loves her for after all. She doesn't give up, even if it is about the dominance in a partnership, or a cube she cannot move... yet. To his surprise, she actually leans into his embrace, leaning her cheek against his chest.
"What? Are you so sad at the prospect of going back and leaving you here?" he asks with a soft smile. She rolls her eyes at him, "As if."
"Then why do you look so sad all of a sudden?" Thor questions, now more seriously.
"I'm not sad, you dull oaf, just... pensive," she exhales.
"About Odin?" he asks.
"Odin, the world... you know me. I always try to think of everything at once," Loki sighs. However, a much darker shadow is pulling at her now, with long claws, a black ragged cloak and fiery eyes – one she didn't know existed until her thoughts danced along the edges of their current conversation. It is something Loki didn't dare to think about before, but now it's playing over inside her head again, like a song repeated so many times that one involuntarily cringes even years later at the first tone. Those words, effortlessly thrown at her eons ago are now back inside her head. And the obscure picture of how they were said and who uttered them. Now they are back inside her mind and brush away the comfort Loki gathered around herself, pulls the covers from her body, leaving her naked once again.
What is when the Aesir learn about them?
Loki holds on to Thor a little more firmly, trying to absorb his warmth into her, against the cold spreading around her chest at the mere thought and memory coming along with it. She has a very bad feeling all of a sudden. It happened before. Will it again? Yet, she holds on to that warmth of care and love she finds in Thor's strong arms. She doesn't want to let go, not now. Loki just grasped it again. So, for now, she ushers all those dark and obscure thoughts far, far away into the corners of her mind, so far that the echo doesn't reach her ears anymore. And as though Thor knew of the dread making her heart sink, holds on tighter, resting his chin atop her head, softly rocking her from left to right, sharing his warmth and hope with her.
And once more, it's just them, but now Loki realizes that from this point on, they are truly without the protective womb engulfing them. They are now born into this world, but will they clear their lungs to let out the first scream and thus the first breath?
Or will they turn blue and go down without this protection?
For now, Loki holds on to the former. She holds on to Thor.
Trouble can wait until later.