Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.

Way The Wind Blows

Chapter Twelve

After spending the afternoon swimming, Kathryn and Chakotay arrived back at the cabin. It had started to rain as they walked, but their macks had offered good protection, and only their jeans were wet. As soon as they stepped inside, Petunia, who had accompanied them, shook off excess rain and hurried over to her doggie bowl in the kitchen and took a much needed drink.

Chakotay unloaded himself of a heavy backpack, which contained a tent he and Kathryn had used to change their clothes in, and Kathryn unloaded herself of her rucksack. After putting her bag to the floor, Kathryn stretched her back and arms and put her hand to her shoulder, rubbing firmly.

Chakotay noticed. "Aching?"

"Just a little," she said. "I haven't been swimming in a long time and think I'm out of shape. But a long soak in the bath after dinner should put me right."

Chakotay smiled. "I would have thought you'd had enough of water for one day."

Kathryn laughed softly. "Then perhaps you don't know me after all. Because if you did, you'd know I could never get tired of warm soapy relaxing baths."

She went over to the table and flipped open the lid of a large box of chocolates. The box was full of all kinds of chocolates wrapped in different color papers. Kathryn picked one out that was wrapped in gold paper and began to unwrap it, speaking to Chakotay as she did so.

"Want one?" She looked up at him, a glint in her eye. "After all, I did say I'd share my prize with you."

Chakotay smiled. "Do I get to choose, or do I just get offered the ones you don't like."

Kathryn laughed again. "Anything but coffee cream."

"In that case, I'll have a chocolate orange."

Kathryn searched the box for a chocolate orange and then threw one to him. He caught it effortlessly.

"When you've had your bath," he said, unwrapping the glittering orange paper on the chocolate, "would you like another massage?"

Kathryn stilled and was a moment in replying. "I would, but would you be comfortable with it? I mean, after what happened the other night?"

"I wouldn't have offered otherwise."

"Then yes," Kathryn smiled. "I'd love another massage."

Dressed in a black bathrobe, and with her hair swept up from her face in a high bun, Kathryn replicated a large bone for Petunia in the kitchenette, while Chakotay got everything ready for her massage in the living room. She had enjoyed a long soak in the bath, and was now looking forward to her massage. The bone would keep Petunia occupied for a while, which would in turn give her and Chakotay peace. As soon as the bone was in Petunia's mouth, the animal wandered over to the rug before the fire and curled up to eat her treat. Kathryn left the kitchenette and made her way into the living room. Chakotay was lighting some candles he had placed on the windowsill. He was wearing a long cream shirt over dark brown pants, and a loose fawn waistcoat. Kathryn thought they suited him well and made him look even more handsome than he did already.

"Swimming uses almost every muscle in the body," he said, lighting the last candle. "How would you like a full body massage? It's important to take care of front muscles too."

"Sure," Kathryn replied. She looked into the bowl of oil Chakotay had replicated earlier. "Same oil as the other day?"

"Yes." He left the window and made his way over to her. "I can use a towel to cover your chest if you want, but you might want to put on a bikini top...one that clips open at the back."

"Good idea. I'll go and replicate one and put it on.

She disappeared into her bedroom, and Chakotay went into the kitchenette to wash his hands. As he was drying them, Kathryn returned. When she entered the living room wearing only yellow hotpants and a matching bikini top, he couldn't help gaze at her.

Kathryn was carrying her bathrobe on her arm, and when she reached the bed, she carefully put it over the bottom.

"What do you want to do first?" she asked. "My back or my front?"

"Your back," Chakotay said, leaving the kitchenette and making his way over to her.

Kathryn climbed onto the bed, lay on her front, and unclipped the strap on her bikini top.

"I might get some oil on your top," Chakotay said, dipping his hands into the warm oil.

"Doesn't matter. I don't intend to keep it."

She closed her eyes and Chakotay noticed that she was much more relaxed than she was last time. He gently began to rub oil onto her back and Kathryn sighed her approval.

Once again, Chakotay took his time, working his fingers slowly and skillfully over her shoulders, back and legs. Kathryn lay in blissful silence and Chakotay felt the tension in her body melt away with every stroke.

At last, he was finished doing her back. Before drawing away from her, he clipped her bikini top back in place and made sure the top was positioned properly.

Kathryn stirred beneath him. "Time for the front?"

"Yes," Chakotay smiled.

Kathryn lazily turned on her back and closed her eyes, eagerly waiting for him to continue.

"I'll be working from bottom to top this time," he said, dipping his hands into the oil again. "Remember, tell me if anything I do causes discomfort."

"I will."

Chakotay began by massaging her legs, and then turned his attention to her torso. Using gentle circular strokes, he massaged around her naval.

Kathryn flinched beneath him and her whole body tensed. Chakotay looked up at her. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," she whispered. "Please, go on."

Chakotay continued, easing the pressure a little, and then lightly stroked over her ribcage and up over her breastbone.

Kathryn murmured, but it wasn't a sound of pleasure, and she suddenly sat up. She was trembling violently and there were tears in her eyes.

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder in concern. "Kathryn? What's wrong?"

Kathryn pulled away from his touch and got to her feet. "I'm not feeling well," she said. "I...Excuse me."

With that, she hurried into her room, shut the door, and Chakotay heard the lock bolt.

Chakotay sat before the fire and gazed vacantly into the dancing flames. He hadn't seen Kathryn for over an hour and he was very worried about her. He went over and over what had happened in his mind, analyzing his every move. He didn't believe for a moment that she was sick. Something he had done had upset her...or triggered a memory.

At last, Kathryn's bedroom door opened and Kathryn appeared. She was fully dressed in blue jeans and a black sweater, and had her favorite sneakers on her feet. Her hair was loose, but looked like it had just been brushed.

"I'm much better now," she said, making her way into the living room. "I've had a little nap and a glass of water and they seem to have done the trick. I think I exhausted myself swimming. I thought I'd take Petunia outside for a bit and get some fresh air."

She went over to a chair and picked up her mack. As she did so, Chakotay got to his feet.

"Kathryn..."

"Yes?"

"We need to talk."

Kathryn froze for a moment, but then continued to put on her mack. "What about?"

"About what happened just now..."

"I was just feeling sick, that's all. I'm better now."

"I don't think you were sick, Kathryn. I think you were upset."

Kathryn zipped up her mack. "Why would I be upset?"

"I was hoping you would tell me."

"There's nothing to tell."

"I think there is." He slowly bridged the gap between them. "For you to have reacted the way you did, either something I did upset you or you had a flashback."

"I told you, Chakotay. I was sick."

"I don't believe you."

He held her gaze firmly, unrelentingly, and Kathryn was humbled.

"You're right," she said, lowering her eyes. "I did have a kind of flashback." She then looked back up at him. "But I'm better now, it's all forgotten."

Chakotay had suspected she'd had a flashback, but a sadness welled inside him at the confirmation. "Tell me what you remembered."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I think you need too. If..."

Kathryn interrupted him. "Ever since you got here, you've been telling me what I should and should not do. You think you know me because you know some Kathryn in the future, but the truth is you don't know anything."

"Then tell me," Chakotay said calmly.

"It's none of your business! Nothing I do, or don't do, is any of your business. I've given you a place to stay, even though you're nothing but a stranger to me, so just be grateful for that and leave me alone." She turned to her dog. "Petunia, walkies."

The dog gave a woof and hurried over to her mistress. Without another word, Kathryn left the cabin and Petunia followed.

Chakotay walked over to the window and watched as Kathryn crossed the grass, shoulders hunched, head lowered, and went to sit on a bench. Petunia ran around her, but Kathryn sat perfectly still. Chakotay put his hand to his chin and rubbed it. He wanted to go to her, wanted to try and get her to talk, but he knew that pushing her too far, too soon, would only make her retreat further into herself. He had to be patient, had to give her space.

Kathryn was a long time outside, but when it started to rain, she came indoors. Chakotay was busy in the kitchenette, boiling some milk and stirring in some chocolate pieces.

"I'm making some hot chocolate for us," he said. "I thought you would like one."

"I would, thank you," Kathryn replied.

She took off her mack and made her way into the kitchenette.

Chakotay glanced up at her and saw that she looked very pale.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I'm sorry for all the things I said. I know you were only trying to help me."

"It's alright, Kathryn."

"I just...I've never talked about it...what happened."

Chakotay poured the now steaming chocolate milk into two brown mugs. "Then that's all the more reason for you to tell me."

Kathryn was quiet for a moment, and then began to talk.

"It happened when I was thirteen. It wasn't anything, really, I mean, worse things have happened to me. I don't know why I even still remember."

Chakotay squirted some fresh cream on top of the drinks. "Some things stay with us forever...something someone said, something they did... something that really hurt us, even if it wasn't intentional." He sprinkled some fudge powder on top of the cream. "Tell me what happened."

"I'd gone with my parents and sister to a party my father was invited too," Kathryn began. "It was in a complex in Florida, I can't even remember where exactly, only it was by the sea and our hotel was just across the beach. I wanted to go to the bar with a couple of girls my age that I'd met at the party, but my father wouldn't let me. I begged him to let me go, but he wouldn't relent. I sulked and ran away from the party. As I was running across the beach, some teenage boys came towards me. There must have been about four or five of them." She cleared her throat and put her hand to her neck, rubbing nervously. "They grabbed me and...and they dragged me into some dunes. Some of them held me down while others did things to me...Indecent sexual assault I guess you would call it...and they were laughing and joking the whole time." She paused. "Then lights illuminated the beach and people gathered for some kind of party. The boys let me go and I ran back to our hotel."

"I'm sorry," Chakotay said sadly.

"It was a long time ago. I've dealt with it and moved on."

Chakotay didn't think she had really done either, but he would have to tread carefully, chose his words with caution.

" I don't even know why the massage brought it all back to me," she continued. "It's not like I was thinking about it."

"Massage can unlock the subconscious and cause an emotional response," Chakotay replied. "It's not uncommon."

"Then that must have been why. End of mystery." She stepped forward and picked up a hot chocolate. "This looks wonderful, thank you."

"You said you haven't talked about what happened," Chakotay continued. "Did you tell anyone?"

"No," Kathryn replied. "I was too afraid to. When I got back to the hotel, I took a shower to wash off the smell of them and I went straight to bed. My father came looking for me not long after... I guess just to see if I was alright. When he saw me safely tucked up in bed, he started to go on about how bad I had been and how anything could have happened to me and how I was never to run away like that again. I didn't dare tell him that something had happened." She paused. "You're the first person I've told."

"You didn't tell Justin?"

"No. I was always the strong one, you see...I mean emotionally. He needed me to be the strong one. He'd had a difficult childhood and he'd been horrifically tortured by the Cardassians. He was very introverted, very withdrawn socially, and he had a lot of issues to deal with. Intimacy wasn't exactly easy for me, but it was a huge problem for him. He wasn't comfortable with touching or kissing or even being hugged. It took us a long time for him to be comfortable with affection. I couldn't tell him what had happened to me because he didn't need to deal with it. And it wasn't an issue, anyway. I was long over it."

Chakotay didn't think all this was a good recipe for a successful marriage. He believed that the best relationships were those where the couple complemented each other, where one had strengths where the other had weaknesses. He didn't think two people with the same weakness was a good match. But Justin was dead now, so there was no point dwelling on that thought.

"I've never told anyone this either," Kathryn continued, "but Justin and I never consummated our relationship." Tears welled in her eyes. "I asked him to marry me because I wanted to show him just how much I loved him, just how committed I was to him. He didn't accept at first, but eventually he did. But we were still working on the intimacy." She paused and her words were barely a whisper. "I'm still a virgin."

Chakotay was silent a moment as the implication dawned on him. "Then the other night..."

Kathryn nodded. "It would have been my first time." A tear ran down her cheek. "You're such a kind and gentle man and you made me feel so cared for, so special. I felt I would be safe with you and I could pretend that you loved me."

Chakotay put his drink down and put his hand on her shoulder. "There would have been no need for pretence, Kathryn. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. But that's why I couldn't agree to it. You don't love me. You hardly even know me. And, as gentle and as kind as you think I am, that's no substitute for love."

"I do love you," Kathryn said quietly. "I can't explain it, but I do. I fell in love with you that day at the castle, perhaps even before. And the more I'm with you, the more I love you."

Chakotay put his hand to her cheek. "This is why I left, Kathryn. I didn't want this to happen. I don't belong in this time-frame. I can't stay. It isn't right for me to waltz in here, steal your heart, and then break it."

"I know you can't stay," Kathryn replied. "I've always known that. But if there's anything I've learnt in my life, then it's how fragile and uncertain our existence is. As a result of you being here, the future you come from may no longer exist. And if it doesn't, then you...as you are now...will no longer exist. We might never find each other again, and all the feelings we have for each other now will be for nothing." She put down her drink. "I don't know what happens between us in your future, don't know why we can't be together, but we can be together now, Chakotay...for as long as you are here." She averted her eyes. "I know I'm not the Kathryn you love, but she was once me, and maybe she needs you now."

Tears welled in Chakotay's eyes. He had never thought of that. All he had thought was that to love this Kathryn would be to betray his Kathryn. But if his future still existed, then this Kathryn was his Kathryn, and for her to have sent him here, everything that was happening now had to be a part of her past, had to be embedded in her memories. This Kathryn and his Kathryn, they were one and the same. But even if that was so, and he really was no closer to figuring out what was going on than when he had arrived, it would still be wrong to cross the line. If he took advantage of Kathryn now, while she was young and ignorant of the future, not only would he never again be able to respect himself, but the Kathryn he hoped to get back to could never respect him either.

"Whatever you want of me, Kathryn, whatever you need, I'll gladly do," he said quietly. "But a relationship between us is out of the question. I love and respect you too much to love you and leave you. I would rather die than ever hurt you, and that is what would happen. And what would you do? Drink more alcohol? Take more pills?"

"I wouldn't need them," she said, "because I'd have the hope we'll find each other again." A tear ran down her cheek. "Now I have nothing...nothing to live for, nothing to hope for."

"You have everything to live for," Chakotay answered. "And everything to hope you. You're the most amazing person I've ever known and have an amazing future to look forward too. And in that future you'll understand why we...why we need parameters now."

Kathryn looked up at him. "I wish I understood now, but you're right, it would be wrong to complicate things." She paused. "I just hope your future still exists, because right now the only thing I have to look forward to is meeting you there."

"Not the only thing," Chakotay said, gesturing to the mugs of cooling hot chocolate. "Shall we enjoy?"

Kathryn had to smile at that. "Let's enjoy."

END OF CHAPTER TWELVE