Yaay, I'm ill again! *sarcasm*
But never mind! I quite enjoyed writing this chapter xD No idea why. Enjoy!
"Sahasrahla" sounds so much like a blasphemy. I love it!
Please, take a moment to notice the neatly underlined chapter title. *looks proud*
Chapter Four: Sahasrahla!
The two hunched their shoulders, backing even further against the wall.
Vaati was more than a little apprehensive about what this new Ghirahim might be like- would he be willing to offer hospitality to his two former masters, who had both been rather cruel to him? The mage was now slightly regretting the events of Asking For Disaster and the opening chapter of this sequel.
Ghirahim happened to glance over in their direction. Despite their attempts to distract him, it was obvious this was never going to work when Shadow yelled "BALD EAGLE! OVER THERE!" as an ill-fated diversion attempt.
Ghi was not fazed. "Vaati? Shadow Link?" He moved closer, clicking his fingers. A light went on over their heads and illuminated them perfectly, giving the two nowhere to hide. Ghirahim looked even more pale in the whiteness, and a malicious smile spread over his face.
"So." he began. "So."
"You've said that already." Shadow pointed out.
"SILENCE!" Ghirahim yelled, and whipped out a royal sceptre. He pointed it accusingly at the boy, who flattened himself against the wall and swore loudly. Vaati did the same, except he had the sense not to be so blasphemous.
Their former servant looked down his nose at them. He raised his hand and snapped his fingers.
"GUAAAAAAAARDS!"
Two Gorons lumbered into sight. One rolled into the wall, sustaining slight concussion in the process. The other appeared to be smoking a pipe, and was old and wrinkled. The pipe kept going out however, which was a source of great annoyance to him and he was constantly bringing out a lighter to relight it.
He did so just now, and the flame that shot up happened to set Vaati's incredibly long hair on fire.
"AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAA!" Vaati shrieked, running into the wall and smacking his face on a portrait of Ghirahim (which he had, inexplicably, not noticed before).
"Can You Hear Me (Ayayaya), released in 2012 by JME." Shadow announced. The concussed Goron recovered its senses enough to slap him round the face.
"No, no, you stupid Goron!" Ghirahim shrieked as one of Shadow's canines flew over his head. "You use the restraining technique I showed you! Remember?"
Vaati rolled around on the floor shrieking, and Ghi took this opportunity to demonstrate the "Kiss of the Scissors" technique on him. Of course, this meant that flames shot viciously up his leotard, and soon enough both he and Vaati were writhing around on the carpet. Shadow slumped to the floor, roaring with laughter (punctuated, of course, by many swear words). His laughter abruptly stopped, however, when the Gorons finally got the hang of what Ghi had been trying to demonstrate to them and tried it out on the shadow.
"HOLY HELL!" he screamed. "LET GO OF MY [CENSORED] NECK, THAT'S MY PERSONAL PROPERTY!"
To cut a long paragraph short, more security was called and the two were thrown in the palace prison. It was at the very top of the main tower, the tallest one that scraped the clouds above them. Vaati's robes and hair had been put out unceremoniously, and were still gently smoking. He and Shadow sat together, the latter massaging his neck, in an annoyed silence.
"This is becoming a running joke from the original, how we're always being thrown in dungeons or whatever. And don't you dare be a smart[CENSORED] and tell me it's actually a tower!" Shadow snapped.
"I wasn't about to." Vaati replied miserably.
"Of course you weren't. Someone as stupid as you wouldn't be able to!" came a voice from the shadows.
Shadow's heart, Vaati's heart, and the readers' hearts all sank as they realised who it was.
Ganondorf strode out, smiling smugly. He looked down his beaked nose at Shadow and Vaati in the usual contemptuous way, as if they were not sealed in a dungeon together but rather in his palace, bowing down to him as usual. It was somewhat of a relief that the tower was heavily shadowed, so one couldn't see much of his face (pug-ugly as ever, of course). It seemed that he, too, had somehow been transported to this world by the Master Sword and fallen foul of Ghirahim.
Perhaps he's grown more intelligent after seven years, Vaati thought hopefully.
"Where are we, anyway? It's not very light here, is it? I can barely see that thing on the end of my arm with the five rods sticking out of it!" Ganondorf whimpered. Vaati's hopes sank faster than his heart had.
"We've been captured and thrown in a tower, Master." Shadow replied.
"MASTER GANONDORF THE SUPER AWESOME TO YOU, PEASANT!"
"Master Ganondorf the Super Awesome."
"Not so awesome now, though, are you?" Vaati hinted, wondering if Ganondorf had the slightest idea of what was going on. "I mean, with Ghirahim the top dog and everything..."
The response was immediate. Upon learning that he was no longer the sole ruler of the kingdom he had worked so hard to destroy, the King Of Evil dropped to his knees and bawled. He sounded remarkably like a baby, even stopping now and then to suck his thumb. He lay on the floor and wailed. He banged his head against the walls and sobbed. He rolled into a ball and bounced around the room, howling.
"Oh my God." Shadow said simply. "This is ridiculous."
"Master, please! Calm down! It isn't THAT bad!" Vaati yelled, seizing Ganondorf's shoulder and shaking him. He was rewarded with a face full of tears and snot as Ganny burst into fresh wails.
"WAAAAAH! WAAAAAH!" Shadow impersonated his master rather uncannily. "BOO HOO, WAAAAAA, BOO HOOOOOOOO!"
Ganondorf managed to stop crying long enough to punch him. Then he resumed again.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAABOOHOODYHOOOOOOOOOO! OH, WOE IS ME! BOOHOOHOOOHOOOOWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Vaati sunk to the floor with his head in his hands, recognising the start of a migraine. "Kill me now." he muttered through his fingers.
"Wait, I know! This must be our new quest, right? To overthrow Ghirahim!" Shadow announced, feeling rather clever. In fact, he felt so clever he forgot to swear.
Ganondorf's woes receded immediately and his eyes brightened at the mention of a quest. He had quite enjoyed the first one (except for when Vaati had blown up Telma's Bar and left him and Shadow to fend for themselves. It had also involved the tragedy of spilt beer kegs, but apart from that he had been rather happy about how things turned out).
Seizing Vaati's cape, he proceeded to blow his nose wetly and loudly into it. The mage stood stock- still, willing himself not to throw up as Ganondorf wiped his snail trails up his sleeve.
"Are you feeling better now, Master?" he asked faux- sweetly.
Ganondorf burped. "Of course I am! There's nothing wrong with a man having a good cry to get everything out of his system!"
"Better in than out, yes!" Shadow announced, and Vaati only just stopped the boy letting rip with an enormous bodily explosion of gas. "Master, you ruin all the [CENSORED] fun!"
"For a reason." Vaati replied. "Anyway, I really think we should focus on how we're going to get out of here."
The three immediately set to thinking, or more like Shadow and Ganondorf sat and examined the walls while Vaati racked his brains. The mage paced the room in the darkness, ignoring his underlying frustration at his completely useless fellow villains. He supposed that this would always be a given, like a mathematical formula. But, seriously... how had this happened? How did Ghirahim, who was rather low down in the Kuroi hierarchy to say the least, ever overthrow Ganondorf? The guy was intelligent, sure, but Ganny had brute force and an army on his side. Something really massive must have happened.
He wondered briefly if it was something to do with spawn- of- Green, the boy they had encountered before they had come here. Had he grown up and... aided Ghi somehow? Had Ghi crossed over to the good side, and Link helped him?
Theories pounded against his skull until he felt the telltale beginnings of a mental breakdown. Massaging his temples, he turned to Shadow.
"You and Ganondorf had any ideas yet?"
"What do you [CENSORED] think? Keep pacing, brainy!"
Vaati suppressed a desire to punch the boy in the face, and turned his thoughts back to the main problem. How were they going to escape now? He remembered when they had been trapped in Zora's Domain, Ghirahim had busted them out. And he had found Tingle for them in Goron City. In fact, looking back, the Ziggy Stardust lookalike had been more than helpful over the course of Asking For Disaster. Now, of course, they would have to find a way to-
As usual when he was in deep thought, he wasn't really concentrating on where he was going. Imagine his utter surprise when he walked into the wall.
"Yup, we're imagining." said the readers.
"You're not imagining hard enough!" the author snapped, slamming her computer lid shut. "Get up, all of you, and WALK INTO THE WALL!"
The readers dutifully got to their feet and walked straight into the fourth wall.
"Hey, did you hear that bang?" Shadow asked, looking up from squashing a bug under his fingernail.
"Yeah... It sounded like several people walking into a wall at once." Ganondorf observed. "Perhaps they're trying to get in?"
"This fic is going to the dogs already. Just get on with it!" the author's omnipotent voice boomed, making Shadow flinch and Ganny pull a face. Vaati was still examining the tiles he had just collided with.
"What's this, then...?" he muttered to himself, noticing a grey one with a slightly lighter grey arrow marked onto it. It looked a bit like it was from one of the retro Zeldas. He tapped it, then thumped it, yet nothing happened. With a flash of inspiration, he brought out an old Classic Controller Pro from his pocket and pressed "A".
"Link? Link?" An old man's voice sounded in the room. Shadow and Ganondorf immediately leapt up- Shadow in terror, Ganon in hatred.
"LINK? WHERE IS HE?!" he roared, flexing his muscles in a menacing display to someone who wasn't even there.
"Master, shush!" Vaati gestured with his hands and bent down to the tile, which was about chest- height as if it was meant for someone younger than him.
He listened for the man's voice again, and soon enough it came.
"Is that you, Link?" Vaati quickly gestured over to Shadow, who ran dutifully to his side. Vaati whispered something to the boy, who nodded and repeated it word- for- word to the tile.
"Yes, it's me. The Hero." Shadow felt completely confident saying this; after all, he was really, wasn't he? Just his shadow. "Who are you?"
"I'm Sahasrahla! Don't you remember, boy?"
Shadow paused for thought, but Vaati's quick mind had already formulated a reply. Shadow listened to his master's whispers and then repeated them.
"Yeah, sure I do! It's just that I've been kidnapped and thrown in a tower, so I'm suffering a bit from amnesia."
"Who's whispering to you? Is there someone whispering?"
"No, it's just static."
"Are you sure? I'm a little suspicious..."
Vaati stepped back and did sign language instead. Shadow watched him closely.
"Link? Are you still there?"
"Y-E-S, S-A-H-A-S-R-A-H-L-A."
"Are you okay?"
"I H-A-V-E B-E-E-N P-U-T U-N-D-E-R A C-U-R-S-E W-H-E-R-E I C-A-N O-N-L-Y T-A-L-K A-S I-F I A-M F-O-L-L-O-W-I-N-G H-A-S-T-I-L-Y P-E-R-F-O-R-M-E-D S-I-G-N L-A-N-G-U-A-G-E."
"Weren't you talking fine just a minute ago?"
"D-E-L-A-Y-E-D E-F-F-E-C-T-S."
Whatever Sahasrahla said next was drowned out by Ganondorf. To Shadow and Vaati's horror (and the old man's complete confusion) he stretched, yawned loudly and announced "God, this is PAINFUL to watch! I'm BORED!"
"Master, shut UP!" Vaati hissed, making swift motions with his finger across his throat. Ganondorf blew a loud raspberry.
"I don't care if my head is falling off! I need to go potty as well!"
"SHUT UP, YOU [CENSORED] [CENSORED]!" Shadow screamed. As Vaati rugby- tackled Ganny to the ground (as the King of Evil was now moving very fast, with a very violent look on his face, towards the boy), he turned back to the tile and yelled "Sahasrahla, please help! We're- I mean I'm- in Ghirahim's tower and we need rescuing right now! I was shouting at a giant ugly moblin who was waddling towards me like the fat lump of [CENSORED] he is!"
Ganondorf gave another roar of rage and almost trampled clean over Vaati, who by some feat of superhuman strength managed to wrestle him back down to the floor again. Shadow glanced back, knowing he didn't have much time left.
"So PLEASE SEND HELP! PLEASE!" he yelled. "My comrade is only just holding him down! He's going to kill me soon! Help!" With that, he emitted some convincing shrieking noises and then fell to the floor dramatically.
On the other end, an old man withdrew from the wall, eyes narrowed to slits. The hero was in danger... Nothing like this had happened before! Also, he was slightly annoyed that after turning up in ALttP and ALTP, he still wasn't able to retire. Goddamn evil. Summoning a great ball of energy, he focused his mind on the tower of evil that "Link" was kidnapped in- that twisting, turreted monstrosity that had appeared upon the horizon and cast waves of fear across the land.
With one finger he beckoned to an old ChuChu that had been slurping about in the grass outside his simple home. It slimed towards him lazily, and sat by his side like an obedient, if slightly fatigued, dog. This ChuChu was not special- in fact, after three evil villains had released an entire population of them onto the world seven years ago, they had reproduced ceaselessly until they were the only living non- human creatures in Hyrule, having absorbed anything too slow or stupid to get out of their way into their gelatinous bodies forever. At first, there had been a minor panic as they threatened to overtake the entire kingdom, but the three Kuroi masterminding that plan had mysteriously disappeared during that time so there was no driving force behind them. They had gradually been tamed by the Hylians and were now very common as domestic pets, even though they were quite possibly the most boring organisms in the universe.
"Bob- I want you to go to the topmost tower of Ghirahim's tower." he whispered. Stroking his hand across the creature, he allowed the turquoise- coloured electricity flashing across his palm to be absorbed into it. Bob's eyes widened and a wide grin spread across his face, and he began bouncing around as if touched by some inexplicable energy. The sage attatched a small note and map around his neck with a loose thread, which thankfully was not sucked into the creature's girth.
Sahasrahla opened the door again. "GO!"
Bob didn't need any more encouragement. He shot off at speed.
_
Aaand that's it! :D I hope everyone was okay with all the ALttP references?
Alas, poor Ganondorf... xD
Swamp Dragon Princess: Thank youuuu! *hugs* Haha, well I have found a way to work your "one and only" into the story, it won't be for a couple of chapters yet but he will certainly turn up (probably towards the end), in an unexpected way!
And yeah, that fourth wall hasn't finished suffering yet! Heehee! I love fourth wall breaking, because I'm totally shameless and love putting myself in my own story!
That's what I'm aiming for! Yay!
WraithHeart: Yeah, I agree, Ghira isn't cut out for near world- domination.
PORKY- SHORTS! Wah ha ha ha haaa! What a perfect name! And yes, I do have an explanation for that, which you will find out later in the story ;) That is, if you haven't diced me because of the lack of an update.
Hmmm *looks around quickly* let'sjustpretendtheMasterSwordhashadasuddenchangeofproperties *takes breath* anddoesn'tburnevilvillainsintodustanymore *another deep breath* becauseoftheauthor'stotalnegligence! Hee hee! A plothole already! *grins back*
*flinches from enormous blade* Oh brother, these threats are getting more elaborate by the week! N-not my arms! I LOVE MY LIMBS! And my spine! They're very important, don't you know! I wouldn't be able to write any belated updates if I happened to be lacking arms!
After you mentioned it, yes I had a look! Unfortunately I'm not very into Harry Potter so I didn't get all of the references, but the ones that I did get were very entertaining! She's a very talented writer, certainly :D Thank you for telling me about it!
Parody Perfect: Ah, did you? ;D Well, congratulations! And yes, indeed I can! Thank you for that! I think that'll end up being my excuse for pretty much everything in the story! Thank goodness for messed up storylines *phew*
Completely unrealistic alternate universe? Space- time continuum!
Shadow Link namedropping songs from several thousand years later? Space- time continuum!
Ganondorf having a total breakdown? Space- time continuum!
Yippeee! And thank you! :D
I will see you all next week! *waves* Any questions, feel free to ask!