Things Can Only Get Worse

by Cortex

The dark side are not in a good state at the moment. With Ganondorf the idiot, Vaati the mastermind, and Shadow Link the sweary juvenile, who would be? But when the three end up in a mickey- taking alternate dimension, it's imperative that they learn to put up with eachother through any means possible. It won't be easy though! Sequel to Asking For Disaster.

5. The Flight of Bob

D'you know, I'm quite proud... I haven't missed a single update deadline since I started writing! Yay!
Of course, this means that next week you'll get your chapter three days late. Such is my luck.
Enjoy! :D

Chapter Five: The Flight Of Bob

Trigger warning: Shadow's face falls off. And Vaati says "arse". Edgy.

The first thing anyone in the castle knew about Bob's arrival was when Ghirahim was knocked off his feet by an orange blob rushing down the aisle. He did a full flip in the air before landing on his back.
"Holy me!" he gasped, looking behind himself. "What WAS that? How dare it knock me off my beautiful, dainty feet?"
But before he could pursue, it had shot round a corner and left him choking on its dust.

Ganondorf, Vaati and Shadow were in the middle of a raging argument when Bob arrived. They had quickly fallen out after Ganon had rudely interrupted their hasty conversation with Sahasrahla, most probably blowing their cover. Vaati had managed to get Ganondorf in an armlock and was holding him there while Shadow kicked his backside repeatedly, and it was this ugly scene that the ChuChu intruded upon. It sat sliming away in the corner for a few minutes, observing and trying to compute the situation in its tiny brain (which, incidentally, was probably not much bigger than Ganondorf's). It was Shadow who noticed it first, and let out an incredibly girly scream quickly offset by a rendition of swear words. It was only his minion's shock that persuaded Vaati to let go of his master's neck, and Ganon fell to the ground almost unconscious. Vaati could be incredibly strong when he wanted to be.

The mage now turned his attention to the creature that was still watching them, expressionless eyes like currents in its empty face. He knew from ugly experience that ChuChus had mouths, however, and were ready and willing to eat anyone in their path up. But this one... this one just didn't seem all that dangerous.

Shadow nudged Vaati in the side. "What's that around its' middle?" he asked cautiously, afraid to point.
"It's a rope or something." Vaati observed. "But it looks as if there's paper attatched to it. Who's going to volunteer?"
"Volunteer to what?" Ganondorf whimpered.
"I can't believe I even need to complete that sentence." his minion sighed, shaking his head in faux- sadness. He continued slowly, as if talking to a baby. "Who's going to volunteer to get long thing with square thing from around orange blob?"
"Me! I'll do it!" the King Of Evil announced, seeing this as an opportunity to redeem himself or die trying. He leapt up, almost tripping over his cape, and stood proudly. "Because I'm a MAN!"
"Never." Vaati drawled, but stood aside anyway.

Ganon advanced towards Bob, flexing his muscles. To his disappointment, the creature didn't wet itself with awe or fling itself at his feet, but simply stared back at him. Actually, one eye seemed to be staring up his nose and the other one at the ceiling. Either way, it wasn't paying attention- and that was something that Ganondorf did NOT like.

"Excuse me!" he bellowed. "I am Ganon the Super Awesome, and I ask you to please look at me! If you don't, I'll punch your guts out!"
No response.
"I'll punch your guts out!"
No response.
"I'LL. PUNCH. YOUR. GUTS. OUT!"
No response.
Ganon turned and broke wind on it, loudly and wetly. Vaati and Shadow closed their eyes in despair- here we go again.
But Bob's response was immediate. Taking an almighty leap that shouldn't have been possible for a creature of a ChuChu's physiological makeup, it latched on to Ganondorf's backside using a set of incredibly sharp teeth that had quickly evolved during the seven years his species had had to roam free.

Shadow Link watched with tears of laughter in his eyes as Ganon hurtled around the room, flab wobbling as he screamed. Vaati chased him around, but had to keep jumping out of the way lest the man and his massive girth crash straight into him.
"THERE'S A CHUCHU ON MY BUTT! THERE'S A CHUCHU ON MY BUTT!"
"Yes, Master, there's a ChuChu on your butt! Now hold still and let me get it off!"
"NO! GERROFF ME, VAATI! I DON'T WANT YOU ON MY BUTT TOO!"
Shadow sunk to his knees, whooping.
"Master, believe me when I say I have no intention of going near your arse! Now hold STILL!"
"NO! THERE'S A CHUCHU ON MY BUTT!"
"THE CHUCHU IS GOING TO CHOMP IT OFF UNLESS YOU LET ME- OW!"

Ganondorf had managed to catch the mage across the face with one of his flailing arms. Several of Vaati's teeth subsequently flew across the floor. Shadow picked one up and examined it, but his attention was recaptured by the sight of Vaati pulling a support from the wall in desperation and whacking Ganon repeatedly over the head with it. Of course, the normally intelligent and reasonable mage realised too late that this was a bad idea. As the first few flakes of plaster crumbled down from the roof, he swiped Bob off Ganondorf's backside in one swift movement and pulled the paper attatched to the rope off. Reading it hastily, his face broke into a wide and inadvertent grin.
It read as follows:

Link, this is Sahasrahla. We've lost contact, so I've sent my ChuChu, Bob, over to you. He's blessed with super- speed due to a powerful and highly illegal magic spell I have recently performed on him. Jump on his back and he'll take you to safety. Be quick though!

"Why does he say to be quick?" Shadow asked, looking over his master's shoulder. Attatched to the note was a crude map of the overworld, and it was this that Vaati took a brief glance at before jumping on Bob's back. It hardened slightly underneath him, giving him a good grip without feeling too uncomfortable or absorbing him.
"I don't know! I would imagine the spell is temporary. Get Ganondorf!" he yelled back, having to raise his voice over the horrible sound of brick crashing against brick as the walls began to collapse.
Shadow, thinking on his feet, turned and grabbed Ganondorf into an enormous wedgie. The man screamed as his backside was promptly flossed, and before he could turn and blast the living daylights out of the boy who had done this to him he found himself tied up in his cape and thrown on the back of the ChuChu.
"WHAT ARE WE DOING?! SHADOW! VAATI!" he roared, thrashing as he attempted to get out of the knots Shadow had tied him up on. Vaati put a spell on them to strengthen the bonds, and kicked his heels against Bob's sides.
"Go!"

Ghirahim had been helped shakily to his feet by one of his guards, and was now pacing the hallways in great irritation. He flipped his hair across his face several times, trying to regain the dignity he had so quickly lost. All this did, however, was cause him to hit his head with a THUNK on the wall.
"Bad day, my lord?" a soldier asked as Ghirahim staggered by. Said lackey was in the middle of being strangled when a rapid squelching noise filled the corridors.

"Um?" Ghirahim turned and saw a sight he had NOT been expecting. That obstinate orange blob was speeding towards him with his three captives clinging onto the back- Vaati attempting fruitlessly to steer, Shadow hanging on for dear life and screaming a constant stream of swear words ("[CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED]IDIOTAUTHOOOOOORRRRRR!" and then Ganondorf was in the middle of the two, with his pants pulled up over his head and his legs tied to his stomach by his cape.

His usually- quick brain had only just computed this scenario when it smashed straight into him.
"Sorry!" Vaati called behind, as a terrible cracking noise hinted that they had perhaps run over the king.
"Don't...mention...it." Ghirahim whimpered, before passing out. Shadow roared with laughter, and even Ganondorf managed a chuckle.

They galloped (slimed?) through the castle at a brilliant pace, putting out candles from the wind they created as they roared past (or whether it was Ganondorf's backside, we shall never know for sure). Tapestries of heroes from ages gone by flashed past in an instant as Bob made his dogged way towards Sahasrahla's house. Ganondorf bounced along on his back happily, seeming to enjoy himself at last.
"Where are we going?" Shadow yelled to Vaati.
"Have you forgotten already? The place on the m- OW! MY FACE!"

The drawback to being so close to the ground was that any bushes that happened to be in their way simply got ploughed straight through. A twig had gone straight through Vaati's remaining eye and was now poking out of the back of his head. Shadow wiggled it around.
"SHADOW LINK, THAT'S MY BRAIN!" Vaati yelled as a horrible squelching sound was heard. "And I'm the only one out of you lot who HAS a brain, so don't you dare damage it!"
"Can I write my name on your thinky- thing?"
"NO!"
"Fine, then. I'll write something else."
The stick was waggled around a little more. "See? Perfection!"
"Huh? What did you write?"
"[CENSORED]!"
"Did you put the squared brackets around the CENSORED, not the rounded ones?"
"No, no, I actually wrote-" there was a silence as Shadow whispered it.
Vaati, with a scream, turned round and proceeded to punch Shadow in the face. The boy's eye flew out and hit Ganondorf in the nose.

"Two can play at that game!" the King of Evil screamed. He kicked Vaati's head off. Vaati turned round and punched his guts out. Shadow's face fell off.
"ENOOOOOOUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" a powerful voice declared. "Enough of the biological impossibilities!"
Everyone's body parts magically returned to their rightful positions, just as Bob screeched to a halt in front of an old man. He stood in front of them now, beard falling to the floor and framed by a long cape. The look on his face was not approving.
"Who the hell are you?" he asked. "I sent Bob for Link!"
"I'm Link!" Shadow announced, leaping off Bob hopefully. He stood up straight, preparing himself for inspection. "I kinda forgot my sword, and my shield, and my blonde hair dye, and my blue contact lenses, and my green tunic, but I'm Link alright! And these guys-" he waved towards Vaati and Ganondorf- "are Navi and Midna!"

Sahasrahla examined them closely. He squinted, leaning forward until his back hurt. His disc would have slipped had the author not wanted to advance the story quickly. "Well, I don't think you've got the right people. But I trust you, Link. Come inside!"

"Wow, that was easy!" Shadow whispered. Vaati allowed himself a smile, and patted him on the back to show his approval. The boy had basically blagged them into the base of a very powerful sage! Surely here they would find some secrets.
They left Bob tethered outside and entered the house.

Sahashrala was a corteous host- despite his misgivings about Shadow's identity, he made everyone tea and brought out a round of biscuits.
"Are they made of solid gold?" Ganondorf enquired, poking them. Vaati slapped his hand ("Be polite!")
"Solid gold! Naw, I made 'em out of solid dough!"
Ganondorf's eyes bulged with suppressed fury. "But that's RUBBISH! If my millions of big castles were made out of DOUGH, I'd knock them all down because they'd be STUPID!" he howled. Vaati gave him a wicked pinch under the table and he reluctantly shut his mouth again.
Shadow Link's eating habits had still not improved since the first story, and any cookie unfortunate enough to enter his mouth would promptly be sprayed all over anyone else at the table whenever he talked. Even Ganondorf had to duck before a chocolate chip hit him in the eye. Sahasrahla was too polite to say anything, and allowed his face to be splattered with dough without a word of complaint. Eventually Vaati snapped and held Shadow's mouth shut.

"Mrmph mumph!" the boy continued, completely oblivious. "Suns, whudaa dug?"
"No, I don't really think that would be possible..." Sahasrahla mused.
"Vuh nuiddy viggy!"
"Does he?" The sage leaned over the table in interest. "How did you learn that?"
"Shadow, are you giving away secrets?!" Vaati yelled, taking his hand away from the boy's mouth.
"VAATI HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN IN CHAPTER FIFTEEN LAST TIME!" Shadow screamed gleefully. He whipped a pile of forged Rupees out of his pockets and slammed them down on the table. "How much d'ya wanna bet on him having another one? Bagsy Chapter... Ten!"
"I think Chapter Twelve." Sahasrahla replied. "Yes, Chapter Twelve for 100 Rupees."
"You got yourself a deal." Shadow snarled. "Ya just wait, I'm gonna drive him so damn loopy he won't be able to tell-"
"Excuse me! I'm not having ANYONE betting on my mental state, thank you!" Vaati announced, standing on a chair in order to make his point. Ganondorf quickly logged off bet365 on his mobile- he was pretty disappointed, there was only a 52/1 chance of his minion going bats next chapter.
The four ate in relative silence, but their meal was interrupted frequently by Ganondorf's loud explosions of wind at inappropriate moments ("Cookies give me gas!" he announced, after breaking a chair with the sheer force of his emissions) and Sahasrahla chewing rather noisily. Everyone soon found out he wore dentures, as he slipped them out halfway through the meal and gave them to Shadow to hold. The boy loudly rejected the offer at first, but after seeing Vaati's venomous warning look from across the table he scrunched up his face and resigned himself to his fate.
"You can try 'em on if you want, boy!" the sage exclaimed, seeing Shadow close to tears.
"TRY THEM ON, SHADOW." Vaati hissed. The boy slipped them into his mouth slowly.

The wind mage allowed himself to relax a little. Things were going (relatively) well.

_
Kind of a short chapter this time? Seems like it!

Swamp Dragon Princess: You got a PM! Yaaaay! Just to say, I have developed Dark's role in the story a little more. But I won't say any more about it... I won't torture you ;)

WraithHeart: Seems like he is! Alas!
Well, according to Fi in Skyward Sword, ChuChus do indeed reproduce by splitting themselves in half! That only happens when you cut them though, and if you cut them small enough, THEN they die. In earlier games, it was a one-hit kill, but I imagine they still reproduced using a relatively similar method...kind of like those worms that attach themselves to walls and leave parts of themselves behind that then grow into new worms! Aaaaagh!
*snatches up unnecessarily huge Morgul blade* Nope, never seen LoTR at all! In my mind, all blades are huge and EXTREMELY DANGEROUS!
*runs at furious HP fanfic writers and attacks them mercilessly* Quit it, ya violent halfwits! Jeez! *gets Confunded*
...What the hell was I just doing?
*stares at blade*
*does not notice you sneaking up behind me, unravelling thread...*

So, which chapter do you think will feature the first breakdown? xD