A very long chapter here, guys...I need to make my chapter lengths more consistent. Hmm.
I did enjoy writing Old Guy's parts though (see the latter part of the chapter)... I'm considering making him an actual character in the story...just to get the three into even worse situations!
Anyway, the reason I'm posting this a bit late is because earlier on, we had a massive thunderstorm and basically, a lightning strike hit the phoneline right outside our house. It was absolutely terrifying- that line is on the pavement outside our window, and it was brought down into the garden! It fell towards the house inches away from the window. Lines all over the freaking garden. DISASTER. I'm being serious!
I was actually standing by the window, and do you know, when the lightning hit there was like an entire flash all around the house, all the windows turned white for half a second... and you could actually feel the house shaking. It was pretty scary O.O I almost went blind! And then we were struck AGAIN- I'm not kidding guys- and we were actually saved by an aluminium can hanging just outside the window (don't ask)! Apparently if it wasn't for that can the windows would have been blown in!
The person NEXT to us actually got the worst of the lightning (that hit our house...which is a bit weird), it went down their chimney flue (forked lightning maybe?) and blew their entire living room apart. Their kitchen window got smashed as well, and everything got flooded there. It was horrible!
But I digress. We have absolutely no Internet in the house, and may not for a while (in fact we're staying down our nan's now), but we've managed to set up a temporary broadband (Ikr! BROADBAND!) connection. Signal is notoriously bad here though, so we're getting Internet for like 30 seconds at a time. It's REALLY FRUSTRATING... and after this I've decided I'll never complain about the usual dialup again. It's a lot more reliable!
Of course, my little sister and my cat are completely traumatised and are now hiding under my bed.
*strikes pose* Alas, I will soldier on!
Anyway *ahem* for anyone who I watch on dA, I'll try my best to answer my messages but there's no guarantee! ^^; Sorry!
Chapter Six: Creepy Old Guy
Ganondorf, in a rare intelligent decision, decided to try and advance the story further and enquired about Sahasrahla's motives at this time. He had to have a little help explaining how the three had got there, as he didn't seem to remember anything about the past few days. Then again, Ganondorf didn't have much memory retention anyway- a side effect of low intelligence. The old man was more than willing to help, and the three soon learned that it was as they had suspected. Ghirahim had taken over Hyrule, seemingly furious at his mistreatment at the hands of his three former masters (Sahasrahla wondered out loud who these three were, making Vaati, Shadow and Ganon whistle tunelessly and look at the ceiling). He revealed that Ghirahim was searching for the descendants of seven sages who had sealed a great evil power away countless centuries before.
"Really?" Shadow gasped. "[CENSORED], why does it feel like I've heard that so many times?"
"Gracious knows." Sahasrahla replied.
"You mean [CENSORED] knows. Get with the times, raisin face." He earned a slap for that, courtesy of Vaati as Ganon shrieked with laughter.
"Fine then, [CENSORED] knows. Hm, that actually didn't sound too bad! Rolls off the tounge somewhat. [CENSORED]. [CENSORED]. [CENSORED]! My goodness, that's nice!"
Vaati would have burst into tears then had Sahasrahla not continued cheerfully. "So, anyway... there IS a way to overthrow Ghirahim's evil reign. But it will involve an arduous quest."
"Just tell us." Vaati hissed, head in his hands as Shadow hi- fived the old man.
"There are three pendants hidden around Hyrule that house a mystical power-"
"DON'T TRY THAT [CENSORED] ON US!" Ganondorf roared. "WE'RE NOT THE STINKING HERO!"
"YES WE ARE!" Shadow roared back. "Please continue!"
"Um, yeah. So, there are these pendants, but the catch is they're hidden in temples from many years ago with numerous evil curses protecting them. When Ghirahim came to power, he immediately followed the predictable behaviour pattern of every Zelda villain ever and put a curse on the temples, to make them almost inaccessible to anyone who searched for the pendants- for he knows that they are his one weakness. If you wish to deafeat him- which I know you would, O honourable hero, then you must set out on your quest with hastle. I will bequeath to you this map- oh damn, where did I freaking PUT IT?!"
Vaati stood up suddenly. "Hey, you settle down and take a rest. You're an old man, your mind is probably a little fuzzy. We'll search!"
Ganondorf howled in protest. "I'm GANONDORF THE SUPER AWESOME! I don't go searching some stupid old coot's house for a disgusting old map!"
"Yes you DO." Vaati gave him the evil eye. Shadow was the quickest to understand- both he and Vaati hoped that they could find some vital secrets hidden here. Ganondorf, however, steadfastly refused to search for anything and punched himself in the face to try and get out of it. He didn't realise, of course, that it's biologically impossibe to knock oneself unconscious by doing so. If I had to explain the neurological basis of why this is a fact, I would probably go insane and bore the pants off everyone reading (Hello? Anyone out there?), so I shall digress.
Ganondorf eventually managed to knock Vaati unconscious- while frantically beating himself up, he grabbed the wind mage and swung him into the wall while attempting to aim for his own face. Shadow watched with tears of laughter in his eyes as Ganondorf, realising that Vaati wasn't going to be doing anything in this state, proceeded to stamp on him ("YOU STUPID LACKEY! NOW *I'M* GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE UP THE NUMBERS!")
Sahasrahla, by this stage, had pottered off to make a cup of tea.
After half an hour of Ganondorf screaming at Vaati to wake up, Shadow decided to tell him all the advantages of an unconscious person. In seconds, the two were once again desecrating the mage's name for their own entertainment. Many pictures were posted on the Internet. A few examples are included below.
Image 0001: Ganondorf sitting on Vaati's face and farting.
Image 0002: Vaati getting a wedgie.
Image 0003: Vaati holding a sign saying "I'M DEAD"
Image 0004: Vaati holding a sign saying "WILL BUSK FOR VIAGRA"
Image 0005: Vaati smelling Ganondorf's butt.
It was sheer bad luck that at that moment Vaati happened to wake up. Seeing Ganondorf's backside hovering dangerously close to his nose, his instinct kicked in and he blasted out a dangerously potent mixture of several hideous spells. The room filled with an incredible light and Ganny screamed as his butt cheeks were assaulted with the worst magic he had ever experienced. It was like being run through with the Master Sword, the Four Sword, and the Really Nasty and Rather Quite Sharp Sword at the same time. He fell to the floor, rolling around and sobbing.
"He's off again!" Shadow announced incredulously. "That's the second time he's burst into tears already!"
It was this moment that Sahasrahla chose to potter back in again, precariously balancing a tea tray with his finest china on it. He stepped neatly over Ganondorf, who was rocking backwards and forwards, and set it down on the table. "Are we ready to resume the discussion?"
"Discussion? Another one? Isn't there a bit too much dialogue in this story?" Shadow asked.
"Hey, it makes up the word count." Sahasrahla replied.
"Yeah, okay. Let's make up the word count- how do you pronounce your name? Is is Sa- ARSE- rah- la?"
"HEEEEEYYYYYYYY!" Vaati shrieked. "There's supposed to be a CENSORED mark over that! And you've said "arse" already! Your tactics are getting old, author!"
"Oh shut the [CENSORED] up, Master, it's just a joke!" Shadow wailed.
"Pretty poor joke, if you ask me!"
"If you don't have anything nice to say, Master, don't [CENSORED] say it at all!"
By this time Ganondorf had been completely forgotten. Sahasrahla sipped his tea delicately and watched as Vaati and Shadow glared across the table, sizing eachother up should a fight erupt. The greatest evil threat the world had ever seen, however, was by now bouncing around on his head in sheer pain. He came very close to upsetting the coffee table (don't worry, I'm not going to make any naff jokes about the table bursting into tears. *zips mouth*).
Shadow took a break from his scowling at Vaati to seize the pot of tea and tip it over Ganon's head.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! SHADOW LINK! YOU HOLY [CENSORED] OF [CENSORED]S!"
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" Vaati yelled as Ganondorf howled.
"I THOUGHT IT WOULD SHUT HIM UP!" Shadow yelled back as Ganondorf screamed.
"WHY DON'T WE JUST GET ON WITH THE STORY?! THIS IS GETTING ABSOLUTELY STUPID!" Sahasrahla bellowed as Ganondorf roared.
"THANK YOU!" the remaining readers cried.
To cut a stupidly long (already) chapter short, Ganondorf could not be persuaded to move through the door at all. Not even the promise of an everlasting reign over Hyrule and a permanent supply of mutton chops was enough to budge him. He sat in the corner of the room with his ugly face twisted into an even uglier scowl.
Shadow decided to step outside for some fresh air.
He enjoyed going for wanders, not that he had ever really had the opportunity before. He had only ever had a chance to explore the Fire Temple he had been trapped in for most of his life, and even then it had still been his responsibility to look after the none- too- intelligent Hinoxes. But now, here was his chance for a bit of freedom while his masters were occupied!
He soon chanced upon a small cave. At first he walked past it, looking for slightly better structures- he refused to admit to himself that he was looking for Telma's Bar from the original. He grinned to himself as he remembered the lady's worryingly low-cut dresses:
"HAALLLLLLTTTTTTTTTTTT, BOY!"
Shadow stopped dead. "Who the hell?!"
"IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALOOOOOOOONE!"
Shadow whirled round. The voice seemed to be coming from nowhere. "Go WHERE alone?! Who's speaking?!"
"I'M SPEAKING!"
"Who's speaking?!"
"ME!"
"Where the hell are you?!"
"IN THE CAVE, YOU CRETINOUS LUMP OF- I MEAN, IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALOOOOOOOOOOONE!"
The boy, curiosity getting the better of him, turned and marched back towards the cave. Nobody, but nobody, spoke to the great Shadow Link like that! He was pleased to note that the cave was extremely dark. Being effectively a shadow, he did not usually fare well in the light, so he preferred shady, manky places. The air was cool and refreshing on his skin, and he took a moment to breathe in the putrid cave air. Now this was his territory!
It was then that he noticed the old man.
At first he had looked like just another shadow, or another rock jutting out from the contours of the cave. But as Shadow's eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could make out the outline of a human, apparently swathed in robes and with an extremely long beard.
"Whaddya want?!" he demanded, striding forward confidently.
"You are Link, right?" the old man said, eyeing him carefully. "In this darkness... I can see the tunic... you are the boy who is destined to defeat all evils?"
"Whaa... uh, hell, YEAH!" Shadow burst out. "Yeah, I'm the [CENSORED] Hero all right! I'm gonna whup the [CENSORED] out of every [CENSORED] [CENSORED] evil little [CENSORED] in the [CENSORED] WORLD!"
Hey, he thought, I'm really getting into this!
"Well then boy, you'll need all the help you can get! IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALOOOOOOOOONE!"
"You've said that alre-"
"But it IIISSSSSSSSSS! And I have many wares I can give you, to aid you on your quest! Cast your eye, my boy, over my fine selection of goods!"
Shadow squinted in the darkness. He could see the items the old man was offering him- there was a large selection to choose from, with several types of sword, bow and arrows, hookshots, and other weapons from the Zelda series. There were also other non- weapon items such as the Pendants from ALttP- spherical shapes attatched to a string that gave the wearer the power associated with them, as well as other intriguing artefacts. Being so used to darkness, Shadow had very good night vision. He noted that it all looked very high- quality, and several of the items seemed to light up the cave with their pristine shine.
Okay, he thought, looks promising!
"I'll take... the sword, the Pendant of Power, and... what the [CENSORED]! Is that an actual Triforce shard?!"
"Indeed it is!" Old Man announced, handing the items over. "And do you know what, boy, because I like you so much I'm going to let you have them all for free! Oh, and would you like another pendant to go with the Pendant of Power? Take Courage or Wisdom!"
"I'll have Courage!" Shadow announced. "[CENSORED], what a haul!" His arms were now full with the items- he couldn't wait to show them to his two masters. "Why the [CENSORED] are they all free? Is there a catch?"
"Ah..." Old Man sighed. "Not many people buy my items. Some fools believe I'm not a reputable vendor."
"Well, [CENSORED] to them! They're missing out!" Shadow exclaimed, turning and walking back towards the entrance of the cave. "Thanks a million, ya old codger!"
He had barely stepped out into sunlight when-
"SHADOW LINK!"
Shadow dropped the items in shock as he heard Vaati's voice. By the sounds of it, the mage wasn't happy.
And Vaati wasn't. Ganondorf was still in Sahasrahla's house refusing to move, his minion had completely disappeared, and he was exhausted already after such a long chapter.
"You gotta look at this!" Shadow shrieked. "I got everything we'll ever need!"
Vaati strode over, and examined the items carefully. He felt his heart quicken as he picked the items from Shadow's grasp and held them gently, too afraid to handle them too roughly in case they turned out to be a mirage, and disappeared into nothing. He suddenly realised that his bad mood was completely gone.
"How...did you get these? For Pete's sake, Shadow... how did you get a Triforce shard?!"
Shadow motioned towards the cave. "Old guy in there. Kept sayin' it was dangerous to go alone an' then gave me a [CENSORED]load of items free."
Vaati looked towards the cave, but it was too dark to see further than a few metres. He made a mental note to go and see what other treasures it held someday. "We'd better go and show these to Ganondorf. Shadow, put the Pendant around your neck for safekeeping." he said. Shadow did so, and the mage took the other pendant and put it around his in turn.
The two villains were standing in the shadow of the cave and a large tree, and it was refreshingly cool in the shade. Nevertheless, they stepped out into the sunlight and made their way back towards the house.
-SCENE BREAK-
Five minutes later
"SHADOW, VAATI, YOU TWO ARE SO STUPID!" Ganondorf roared.
For the first time, Vaati was just as confused as Shadow. He looked over at his minion, who was staring at the sword in quite a perplexed manner. It was then that he noticed the sword was...well, quite garish. It certainly didn't look like a serious piece of equipment. How could he not have noticed that before?
"But Master, first, we got a swo-" Shadow was stopped in mid- sentence. He had swung the blade viciously, in order to demonstrate its' supposedly lethal properties, and instead of cutting a clean slice through the air it had released-
Ganon's eyes brightened. "BUBBLES!"
His fury was quickly forgotten as he dived towards the falling spheres, rolling about in ecstacy and giggling maniacally. He blew a bubble towards Vaati's face and took great delight in popping it in his eye ("Aaargh! Master!"). He stuck his tounge out and swallowed several tons of bubbles. He skipped in the bubbles. He twirled in the bubbles. He-
"AAAARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GERRITOFFGERRITOFFGERRITOFF!"
"Oh no, Master. A bubble in your hair. I wonder how we'll ever get it out." Vaati droned, his good mood completely evaporated. He looked at the floor in despair, and suddenly remembered the pendant around his neck. He turned it towards him and read the writing on it.
" 'True'? Does that make sense?" he wondered aloud. There was a rather unexpected "HRRRG!" from Shadow, who was trying with all his might to yank his pendant off. He flung himself to his knees and pulled with all his strength, but it wasn't budging.
"Help me!" he gasped. "I can't wear this! I just CAN'T!"
"Shadow, what does your pendant say?"
"L-l-l-"
"Spit it out!"
"LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE!"
By this time Ganondorf had managed to pop the bubble in his hair, and was now furiously stamping any other bubbles the so- called sword dared to emit.
He snatched it from Shadow and went to smash it against a wall, only to emit a howl of rage when more bubbles flew out as a result of the motion. They floated in front of his eyes in an incredibly annoying manner, seemingly taunting him with their free, bouncy patterns. How dare they. How DARE THEY!
He stepped back and proceeded to ram the wall with his head.
Sahasrahla left the room quietly. Apparently he had been watching the entire scenario unfold, sipping his tea, and had not said a word. He had never been the most helpful of Zelda characters anyway. On the way out, however, he spotted something.
"Do you mind if I just take this? It must be a leftover." he said to Vaati, who was standing in a horrified silence after realising that he and Shadow were now permanently bound by a "True Love" split necklace. The mage, not really acknowledging his voice, simply nodded.
Sahasrahla came in five minutes later, carrying three pieces of cake on fine china and new cups of tea.
"It seems as though you're all a bit upset. I'm sure some tea and cake would calm you down!" he said cheerfully. The three took their seats at the table in abject misery, although at the backs of their minds they couldn't help wondering how the sage didn't burst through the constant consumption of tea. His liver wouldn't thank him later.
Shadow looked down at his plate. Why did that piece of cake look somewhat famili-
His shoulders slumped.
"I assume that's the Triforce?" Vaati hissed to him. He did not reply, but put his head on the table and whimpered.
"Not feeling well?" Sahasrahla asked sympathetically. "I know... it IS a bit stale, isn't it...?"
-
...It looked a lot shorter when I was writing it! ^^;
WraithHeart: Yup, I reckon Ghirahim secretly wants to be a lady. Especially as he's borderline female anyway... he and Vaati, of course. I saw a picture on deviantART, featuring Vaati and Ghira, saying "There's only room for one twinkletoes in this series!" Indeed there is, chaps xD
...That sounded a lot dirtier in pure text. xD I dread to think what ideas I just gave you!
And yeah, worms actually do that! Freaky things...
YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH! Why aren't flamethrowers invented yet in the Zelda universe?! Link would be seriously badass with a flamethrower AND a huge jetpack.
*blink* Woahh... death threats through poetry?! That touched my soul...
hey, where the heck has my soul gone?!
Swamp Dragon Princess: You got a PM! Yay! I do hope I wrote Old Guy to your satisfaction, of course it is your decision whether you want him to become a fully- fledged character or not, but either way the items he gave Shadow today may well come in handy!... just not in the way they expected ^^
I will see you next we- *broadband cuts out*