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Way The Wind Blows

Chapter Seventeen

A cry disturbed Chakotay's sleep.

Kathryn's cry.

Lying beside him, in the bed they now shared, Kathryn was tossing and turning and clearly having a nightmare.

Reliving the accident.

"No," she cried. "No...Daddy...Justin..."

And then she screamed. Screamed and woke up.

Woke up heaving and trembling.

"Kathryn, my darling," Chakotay said softly. "It's over now...you're awake."

Kathryn said nothing, just lay back down weeping, weeping and holding her hands to her face, her body struggling for breathe.

Chakotay tenderly put his hand on her torso. "Take deep breaths," he said kindly. "Nice and easy."

Kathryn did as he said, her breathing calming, but her tears didn't stop. Neither did her pain. Not until Chakotay gathered her in his arms and cradled her against him. In the warmth and safety of his embrace, her tears ebbed and finally she was still.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry you...sorry."

Chakotay kissed her hair. "It's ok, Kathryn. You had a nightmare. I'm the one who's sorry."

"It was...you know...what happened...Daddy and Justin. That's why...that's why I needed the pills."

"I understand."

"But you've lost people too...everyone...and I'm...I'm ashamed to be the one needing comfort."

"Your pain is still raw, Kathryn. Mine is...well, I've lived with it a long time. And just because I lost more people, doesn't mean your loss is any less. Grief is grief and I hope we never start quantifying it."

"But you've lost friends, as well as your family, everyone and everything you knew and loved. But you've never once complained. That's...it's humbling."

"I haven't lost anything, Kathryn. The life I led it was...better than any I'd ever known, but still very lonely. No, I'd say I've gained everything because with you in my arms I'm holding everything I ever wanted."

Kathryn raised herself to look at him, drying tears on her cheeks. "I can't believe I didn't want that too...to be with you. I must have. I must have wanted it."

Chakotay put his hand to her cheek. "I think you did."

"I wish you knew it." A tear ran down her cheek. "I wish she...I...had told you."

"Me too. But none of that matters now. That future is gone and we're living a new one." He took her hand in his. "But I'm not sure here is the right place to do it. The snow...the ice...they're opening a healing wound. I think it would be better for us to leave and move into our cottage. It may not be ready but it's habitable. You won't have to face the snow then. Winters are milder in Ireland."

"But I want to face it," she said, "the snow. I need to face it. I've always loved it, for as long as I can remember, and I can't spend the rest of my life fearing it. I want to be able to enjoy it again, to ski, to skate, to feel the flakes upon my face and smile. I can only fight that battle here, Chakotay. Here with you. Because as long as I have your hand in mine, I'll be ok...always."

At these words, tears filled Chakotay's eyes. Tears not just for this Kathryn, but for the older Kathryn he had lost. For he remembered all the times she had held out her hand to him.. Held it and grasped his tight. A lifeline, a comfort.

"So we don't need to leave," Kathryn continued. "I don't want to leave."

"Then we won't," Chakotay whispered. "We'll stay as long as you want."

Kathryn smiled. "Thank you."

She then kissed him tenderly, as he did her, and then they cuddled up in the darkness.

The following morning, Chakotay found that Kathryn was not beside him when he woke up. Instead, she was in the living room, replicating a hearty breakfast.

"Good morning," she smiled as he emerged from their bedroom wrapped in a black robe.

"Good morning," Chakotay replied. "But what's all this? Has Kathryn Janeway had a personality transplant?"

"No," Kathryn laughed. "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, as you keep reminding me, and if we go skiing today, which I'd like, we'll need the energy. There's a resort the other side of the mountain and it always opens at the first snow fall. Not that they need the snow, they can make their own, but it's kind of a tradition...like a lot of things around here. There'll be toffee apples, hot dogs, candy floss and I'm sure we'll have a good time."

Chakotay said nothing, just looked at her in concern.

"But you don't want to," Kathryn concluded.

"Quite the contrary," Chakotay replied, "it sounds wonderful, and I know from experience that you're a great skier, but I'm just not sure you're ready."

"Neither am I. But I've been in snow a few times since the accident and most of the time I've been ok. And, you know what they say, if you fall off a horse get back on it. That's what I have to do. I have to keep riding, keep flying. Because it was hard, Chakotay. It was hard going into a shuttle after the accident. It was hard just to see them. But now it's easier and gets more so all the time. Besides, I never went to the resort with Justin, skiing wasn't his thing, and Daddy was always too busy to join us, so going won't evoke any memories. It will just help me to make new ones with you. As to the whiteness...well, it's here anyway. And it will be in Bloomington and no doubt in Ireland. It snows in both places, at least for a bit. Yesterday, it...I don't know. I can't explain it. It was like...like losing Petunia that did it. The feeling that...that I had to save her. It kind of triggered something...memories of the crash. But I don't want to over analyse it. I just want to get on with things."

Chakotay took her hands in his. "And that's commendable, but talking to a counselor might help. It sounds like..."

"No," Kathryn interrupted. "I've tried all that and...and I need to work through things in my own way."

Chakotay wasn't convinced. It sounded like her subconscious was trying to tell her something, that it was knocking on the door of her mind to awaken sleeping memories, but again he knew better than to argue. Kathryn would only shut him out if he did.

"I really want to ski," she insisted. "Please come with me."

There was such a longing in her eyes that Chakotay could not refuse her.

"Of course I will," he replied.

Kathryn smiled, relieved and happy, and then hugged him.

The resort was busy, as it always was on opening week, but Kathryn liked the hustle and bustle. It made being in the white easier. In fact, she was enjoying herself so much that she hadn't thought of the accident at all. Chakotay was a skilled skier, fast and fearless just like herself, and they spent over two hours racing each other on the slopes. Then, after changing back into their casual clothes, Kathryn and Chakotay treated themselves to a hot dog. They'd already had a toffee apple on arrival and a candy floss while taking a ski break.

"I don't know how you can eat all those onions," Kathryn said as they walked down a fir tree lined path to a small outdoor transporter station, "I can't stand any. And look at all the sauce you have! Are vegetarian sausages that bland?"

"No," Chakotay laughed. "I just like my toppings. And you're a fine one to talk, Kathryn Janeway. Look at the mountain of mustard you have."

"Oh, I'd hardly call it a mountain, though I confess it's a rather big hill."

Chakotay laughed again.

"But just don't ask me to kiss you for a while," Kathryn teased. "I'd have to decline."

"Ditto."

They stopped walking as they reached the station and Kathryn turned to him.

"I'm so glad we came, Chakotay. I'm having a great time and..." Tears filled her eyes. "I'm so happy...every day."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "Me too."

"And I've been thinking. Maybe we should postpone moving into our cottage until after Christmas. That way, we'll be starting a new year with a new life. I'd like that."

"Are you sure, Kathryn? A first Christmas together is special and I want ours to be perfect."

"And it will be. I love being at the cabin, truly. In fact, I'm loving it so much that I don't want to leave."

"Me either."

"But we'll be happy in Ireland too, Chakotay. The cottage will soon come to feel like home."

"Yes," Chakotay agreed. "After all, home is where the heart is and my heart's with you. Wherever you are, that's my home."

Kathryn smiled, eyes moist, and then kissed him softly. As she drew away, Chakotay teased.

"I thought kissing was banned."

Kathryn laughed. "For you I make an exception."

"Then I do for you."

They shared a smile and then they kissed again.

END OF CHAPTER SEVENTEEN