Chapter Seven: A Temple!
(A/N: All author's notes at the bottom of the chapter since this site is being stupid and not letting me write at the top. *glares*)
Vaati decided to skip the rest of the meal and, after politely finishing the cake (which would later give him severe and permanent food poisoning, which the author also thinks she has after eating a very dodgy spag bol) he pushed his plate away.
"I think I'm going to go out and get some fresh air." he said to Sahasrahla, already feeling a bit queasy and deciding that the outside would be best for him.
The old man looked disappointed, but motioned for him to leave anyway. Shadow looked particularly distraught, having completely failed to eat his cake due to realising after the first bite that it was going to do him no good. He had been hoping to sneak the remains of his meal onto Vaati's plate. Even Ganondorf was looking doubtful.
He went for a stroll in Sahasrahla's garden, ignoring the twee garden-gnome statues that wolf-whistled at him whenever he passed. As usual, he felt an idea forming in his quick brain.
If he could just get Bob to transport them to whatever temples they needed to go to, instead of teleportation which would require some foreign thing called "effort on Ganondorf's part", things would be made a lot easier. He soon felt the first pangs of concern that things weren't going to go right, however, when he realised the ChuChu was no longer tethered to his post.
He wandered around the small house, calling. "Bob? Bob? Oh, come on! BOB!"
The second pangs of concern came when he heard chomping noises coming from behind a bush.
The third, and final, pangs of concern hit his mind when he looked behind the bush and saw the remains of Bob- e.g, an eye- hanging out of the mouth of another ChuChu.
"OH MY GODDESSES!" he screamed. "How on earth did that happen?! This is getting absoutely ridiculous!" Without giving a jot of thought to his own safety, he hurtled over to the ChuChu and attempted to pull the long- deceased Bob out of its' mouth. It was proving harder than expected, though, as this ChuChu seemed to be a rather ugly mutation and had a set of long, curved teeth. Vaati almost lost his entire arm several times, and by the time Shadow Link managed to whet up a jot of interest in his master's wellbeing and wandered around the back, the mage's whole head was stuck in the creature's mouth.
Shadow stopped and stared. Then he chuckled.
The chuckle developed into a snort.
The snort developed into a laugh.
The laugh developed into breathless gasps.
The gasps developed into a full- on, whooping, howling fit of mirth.
"WAAH HA HA [CENSORED] HAAAAAA! MASTER, YOU LOOK SO STUPID! LOOK AT YOURSELF!"
"I'm finding it rather hard to look when my entire HEAD is being digested!" came the muffled reply. Shadow ran round the back of the ChuChu and, to his delight, saw Vaati's face glaring back at him through the creature's transparent form. He waved. Vaati did not wave back, for some reason.
"Well? Don't just stand there! At least help me!" Vaati yelled.
"Naaah, it's really funny! I mean, look at this! It's a classic!"
Vaati kicked out at the ChuChu, and the two had a rather unsightly grapple on the floor. Neither was willing to give in, but the disgusting glob of goo got the upper hand somewhat by letting go of Vaati's head. As the mage lay exhausted on the floor, it proceeded to jump up and down on him.
Now, ChuChus may look light, seeing as they're just made out of jelly, but this is an incredibly deceptive appearance. Vaati's entire body was squashed several times over as he was pounded into the flowers.
SLURP. THUMP. SLURP. THUMP. SLURP. THUMP.
This noise heralded the arrival of Ganondorf, who ambled round the corner sipping a cup of Sahasrahla's tea.
"How- OUCH!- did- YOW!- you manage to- GAH!- get him out here?" Vaati whimpered in between being crushed slowly to death.
"I just went back to the house and told him you were dying. I've never seen someone so enthusiastic." Shadow replied.
"Tell Ganondorf that if I die, he won't be able to get his kingdom back!"
Vaati was soon rescued after that after Ganondorf hurriedly blasted the ChuChu back into the DNA it came from. Vaati was only just quick enough to put up a protective shield around himself, otherwise he too would have been vapourised into a smudge on the floor. Sahasrahla, who had been watching, couldn't help but be highly impressed at his dexterity. If this purple man was somehow Navi, he had to admit "she" had greatly improved since Ocarina of
Time. Even though he had been dead by then, of course.
Um, I might be causing a time paradox by thinking about that, he thought.
"Congratulations!" he announced. "You've definitely proved yourselves worthy of the quest I'm setting you off on!"
"What, was that a test?" groaned Vaati from the floor.
"Um... yes, yes, of course it was! And you passed, kind of!"
Ganondorf bowed deeply. "Of course I did. Me and my super duper awesomeness know no boundaries."
"You can just say "bounds", Master." Vaati whispered.
"SHUT UP, MINION! HOW DARE YOU TELL ME HOW TO SPEAK! Look, even the ChuChu spat you out because it thought you were too stupid to eat!"
"You vapourised it, Master."
"No I didn't. It self-destructed because it couldn't stand eating something as stupid as you."
Vaati closed his eyes and counted to 10. "Of course, Master. Sorry for ever doubting it."
The sage shuffled towards them, holding out a map of Hyrule. It was the obligatory "many years old" map, crinkled and worn at the edges with a tea- brown colouring. As it was "many years old", it also fell into the category of "many years out of date". However, the three would not notice this just yet as Shadow accepted it on behalf of the group.
"Hey!" Ganondorf yelled. He snatched it off the boy and cradled it to his chest. "I'M the super awesome guy here! I should get the map!"
"But I'm LINK!" Shadow yelled. "C'mon, this is MY moment!"
"You're not Link, you're-"
"I'M LIIIIINNNNNKKKKKK!"
"He's LINK, Master!" Vaati hissed. "Remember?"
"I don't ever remember Shadow turning into Link! I can remember when my face turned into a bum though! That was funny... hee hee."
"Your... face...?" Sahasrahla began. He was shushed by Vaati who advised him not to ask about their previous adventures.
After the unfortunate demise of Bob, they were forced to set out on foot until they found a more suitable means of transport.
Vaati hated walking with Ganondorf. Not only did he lag behind deliberately and get lost walking in a straight line, he also found it impossible to read a map. He was still convinced that map ratio= real ratio, therefore Hyrule Field was 10 cm.
Shadow was okay to walk with- or at least less irritating- but he did have a habit of singing old rock songs to "keep up morale". Ganondorf would sometimes join in, desperately pretending to know the words, and Vaati would pace along sullenly and not listen. Through Zen- like techniques, he had learnt to shut the two out.
For the most part.
"WAAAAAAIIIIIIITTTTTT!" Ganondorf screamed suddenly. Shadow came to an immediate stop, while Vaati took a while longer to show that he wasn't going to stoop to the boy's ridiculously obedient level. The resentment between the two was still at an all- time high.
"What's the matter, Master?" Shadow asked. "I'm suckin' up to YOU now since Vaati's such a [CENSORED]."
"Oh, get it over with." Vaati muttered. "I can't even remember what we argued about-"
"SHUT UP, PURPLE! THIS IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT! WE FORGOT MY IMAGINARY FRIEND!" Ganny wailed.
"What the [CENSORED]?" This from Shadow, obviously.
"My imaginary friend-"
"Do you mean your ONLY friend?" Vaati asked innocently.
As expected, Ganondorf didn't get the subtlety. "Yes, he's probably my only friend. Since everyone else just poos themselves at the sight of Ganondorf the Super Awesome! Which is me, of course."
"Wow. They've graduated from wetting themselves, then?" *Ah, sarcasm.* Vaati allowed himself a slight smile.
"What?!" Ganondorf laughed. "No, no, weeing themselves! When you go to the toilet, Vaati, you don't wet! You wee! Like you poo as well! So it's weeing and pooing yourself!"
There was a silence, until an idea occurred to the King of Evil.
"Vaati..." he whispered. "DO you go to the toilet?"
"Yes, Master." came the weary reply.
"Oh, that's okay. I thought it was just me." Ganondorf mused. "I thought I was weeing myself at my own brilliance... I haven't looked in a mirror for two months in case I pee my pants at how awesome I am."
Vaati wanted to cry. He could completely believe that.
Since Ganondorf had been completely distracted from his imaginary friend, they followed the map across Hyrule Field and into the Kokiri Forest. It was midday by this time, but the sun was cold and blurred in the autumnal sky.
Hyrule hadn't changed much in seven years in terms of layout. There had been no drastic rearrangement of important features, and any landmarks still stood proudly where they had before. The only truly noticeable difference was that under Lord Ghirahim's rule, flowers and fauna were blooming everywhere. The kingdom had erupted in a mass of colours, with curling creepers wrapping around trees and beautiful petals, shed from sweet- smelling plants, lining the edges of bridges and creating a confetti of bright, strong colour unseen in autumn.
None of these plants were particularly dangerous either. Some of them were a little... overfamiliar, as Shadow found to his great discomfort. Vaati couldn't help laughing at his humiliation, and in return Shadow magically summoned a sword and cut the ropes of the bridge they were standing on. It was only by clinging on for dear life did Vaati not plummet to his death on the floor of the ravine below. Needless to say, this did not improve their relationship.
Of course, Ganondorf found everything utterly confusing. This was nothing like the kingdom he had visualised!- but then again, he hadn't imagined anyone taking charge of Hyrule except himself. He found it impossible to accept that Ghirahim was a little more camp than he was, and thus would rather prefer his domain to be a little prettier than just a mindless mass of destruction. Several times Shadow had to stop him throttling the fairies that were flying around.
"FAIRIES?! FAIRIES?! This guy isn't a villain! He's an IDIOT!" Ganondorf roared.
Vaati wisely decided not to respond to this previous comment.
"Okay, the temple should be somewhere around here!" Shadow announced, snatching the map off Vaati rudely. The mage found he had developed an eye tic only two lines into this chapter.
"No it shouldn't! Shadow, you're so thick." Ganondorf huffed.
"Oh! I apologise, Master! Why'd ya think that?"
"Because-" Ganondorf pointed at the paper- "there's a big red X on this map. And I don't see a big red X anywhere here!"
"Oh no, Master!" smarmed Shadow. "The X doesn't always mean there HAS to be an X."
"Wow." Vaati said snidely. "How long did it take you to work THAT out?"
"About the same [CENSORED] amount of time it took you to [CENSORED] work out that you're a [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] piggin' [CENSORED]!"
"Oh, grow up." the mage hissed.
The three walked on in an even colder silence. Vaati was furious that Shadow was sucking up to Ganondorf just to get on his nerves, Shadow was furious that Vaati was being mean to him, and Ganondorf was completely and utterly unaware of the world as usual. This was why he was last to notice the temple, since he walked into the doors. They almost rattled off their hinges as he pounded them, roaring about how "THIS IS AN UTTER DISGRACE!
HOW DARE YOU NOT BOW BEFORE ME?! I AM GANONDORF THE SUPER AWESOME, AND YOU WILL YIELD TO MY MIGHT!"
Vaati had been first to notice said temple, of course. It had blended in quite well with the fauna, taking on the image of a particularly large plant that seemed to tower with an artificial shine above the others. The doors set into the nearest petal, however, had given the game away once they had got a little closer, having walked a well- trodden path that ended abruptly a couple of metres before the foot of the temple as if the travellers had been afraid to go any further.
They had thin glass panels sliding up and down the sides, and through them one could see a worryingly dark staircase leading down to an unseen room. It was the typical Zelda temple that may have struck fear into the heart of a more wussy player 20 years ago, but didn't now and was a result of rather lazy design teams. Of course, the author isn't lazy in her descriptive prose. Not at all. And she isn't sarcastic either.
"How do you OPEN these?" Shadow muttered, trying to peer through the glass. He wondered whether there would be a lock inside.
"Like THIS!" Ganondorf announced. "Vaati, stand back, you stupid minion!"
Vaati stood back obediently, seething. Ganon took a couple of steps back and narrowed his focus to the centre of the two doors. Hunching his shoulders, he broke into a run.
Of course, anybody who's read Asking For Disaster will no doubt know what happens next. Ganon hit the doors full- on, the force of his thick skull against the wood causing an almighty crash to echo around the woods and scare away several rare species.
But- the doors didn't break.
"Oh." This from Vaati.
Shadow immediately rounded on him. "Whaddya mean "oh"? Come on, smart[CENSORED], think of some answers! You just killed Ganondorf!" he yelled, gesturing to his unconscious master.
"Well, it's what you would expect!" Vaati snapped. "It's dangerous to run into iron doors!"
Old Man floated unbidden into Shadow's mind. "IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
"Alright, alright, shut up." he snapped. "I get it, I'm not even alone!"
Looking at Ganondorf coming around at the foot of the temple, and Vaati staring at him as if he was a mental case, he sometimes wished he was.
Vaati looked down at his pendant. Surely...surely not?
"Shadow, connect your pendant to mine?" he asked.
Shadow backed away incredibly quickly. "What the hell?! Is this becoming a VaatixShadow fic already? I thought the author was into-"
Vaati found himself, without warning, rugby-tackling Shadow to the floor and slapping duct tape over his mouth. It seemed the author didn't want that to be revealed.
"Just do it!" he hissed. Shadow reluctantly pressed his pendant against Vaati's, connecting the two.
At the same moment, there was a creak that began quietly, but soon amplified into a painful, high- pitched squeal that caused the plants nearby to droop.
The doors of the temple, once firmly shut to the world and even the might of Ganondorf, began to open. Their bottoms scraped along the floor and created low-hanging dust clouds as they finally slammed shut against the walls, wide open and revealing the staircase completely.
"Are you serious?" Shadow gaped. "Did they SERIOUSLY just open because of..."
"... It turns out the old guy's items were of some use after all." Vaati snorted. "This is probably going to be an isolated incident, though."
"Yeah, yeah, quit complaining!" Shadow yelled. "Let's just [CENSORED] pick up Ganondorf and get outta here!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time." came the reply as Vaati slung his porky master over his shoulder.
"The first time?! The first time?! I didn't even say anything for "the first time"! Get a grip, will ya?!"
"You get a grip! You're so moody in this story!"
"Oh, shut up, you think I'M moody..."
The conversation continued in this vein as they descended the steps, their silhouettes being swallowed by the darkness as, unbeknownst to them, the doors slowly swung shut again.
-
Oh my god... the toilet humour... I'm so sorry... xD
For those of you who love Bob, no worries! He will return... maybe in a different guise or just as he is! The reason why I'm being all mysterious is because I haven't decided yet ^w^
Oh, and you know last chapter I was talking about that lightning strike that hit my neighbour's house? Well it turns out that house is now going to be condemned (i.e, destroyed) as well as the one next to it! (thankfully not ours... even though, as I said, OURS IS THE ONE THAT WAS HIT O.O so I don't know how that happened...) Scary!
Anyways!
Swamp Dragon Princess: You got a PM! And I hope you're enjoying your course, when I go back to school tomorrow I will be thinking of you ;3
WraithHeart: Pfft, my sister is a very hard- to- persuade person. *mutters* She's a stubborn little [CENSORED] if I ever saw one.
You live in Iceland, right? (I saw it on your profile, is all). I've always wanted to go there and see what it's like out there. I imagine there's snow... *makes gesture to resemble snow* and ice *makes gesture to resemble ice* and it's cold out there! *shivers dramatically* But Iceland still looks beautiful... I don't mind the cold so much anyway!
Yeah, don't worry, the neighbours are fine now, they've found another place they can stay for a while and they're actually quite cheerful because they were planning to move out anyway~
xD Ikr, Vaati's sooo brave!
And- NOOOO I'M NOT A VAMPIRE, I'M- *narrowly avoids stake*
*puts on purple hat* I'M NAVI'S ALTER EGO! THAT'S WHY I'M A GLOWING BALL OF LIGHT! Right? RIGHT?
...HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!