The beginning of the end for science here, guys... xD
(To tell the truth, I was totally and utterly out of ideas. I do apologise).
Anyway, kind of a short chapter, enjoy anyway! :D
Chapter Eight: SodaStreams?
"[CENSORED]!"
Shadow's exclamation echoed uncomfortably around the walls of the temple. Vaati cringed, but his awkwardness soon turned to despair as Ganondorf woke up.
"Huh?" he gasped, looking frantically around him. He scrambled off Shadow's shoulders and twirled around in a panic. "But we were just in the place with all the green stuff! Hee hee... green stuff. Giant snot. Vaati, do you pick your nose?"
"No."
"Oh, I do. Watch this!" Ganon extended a long finger and rammed it in his ear. Vaati was just about to point out that this wasn't exactly his nose when, to his utmost horror, his master's finger poked out through his left nostril.
"WOAH!" Shadow gasped. "That. Is. So. [CENSORED]. AWESOME!"
"Master, that is completely unhygienic and utterly irrelevant to the story! Take that finger out NOW!" Vaati yelled. His voice echoed around the main room, and it was only on the fifth echo of "NOW!" that Ganon finally, and reluctantly, withdrew his digit. It came out of his ear with a disturbing slop.
After that, the three decided to split up and explore the temple. There were three doors leading from the main room- however, one was locked with a tight- looking keychain. There was a door at the left of the room, and there was another one on a higher ledge that seemed to be upside down. The first and locked door was marked with the words "Warning: Low Intelligence Only", the door on the left was marked with "Warning: Intermediate Intelligence Only" and the top door was marked with, predictably, "Warning: High Intelligence Only".
You can guess who went where. Ganondorf barged Vaati out of the way and entered the "High Intelligence Only" door (needing a little help to realise he had to hookshot up there and then walk through it on his hands). Shadow barged Vaati out of the way and sat outside the "Low Intelligence Only" door since he couldn't be bothered to do any more exploring.
Vaati hissed and stalked through the "Intermediate Intelligence Only" door.
Vaati
The first thing Vaati noticed when he walked through the door was the eerie sound of a key being turned in a lock behind him. Fearing the worst, he turned and ran back to the door, rattling it frantically. It groaned against its frame, protesting at every movement. Someone had locked it from the outside... but who could it have been? Ganon was probably busy working out how to get through his room (yup, good luck to him) and Shadow didn't have any keys. Had someone followed them?
His thoughts were distracted by a sound behind him. He turned back to the room and cast his eyes over it cautiously. He was standing on a small platform, surrounded by bubbling lava. Halfway across the room, however, the lava petered out and turned to water. A rolling spike was making its way across the room towards him, and it was this that was making a strange clanking noise as some internal mechanism got to work.
The walls were smooth, but they had the traditional Zelda- style vines winding up them. Using the wall runs he had learnt from watching E3 trailers of Skyward Sword, he leapt off the platform and just managed to grab a foothold. He flung himself at the vines and ripped several from the walls in his frantic attempt to get a good handhold.
He swung wildly, faceplanting the wall several times.
"My canines!"
"My molars!"
"My wisdom teeth!- Hey, I paid the dentist to remove that one!"
He brought his legs up and whimpered as the spikes clanked their way towards the spot he had been standing seconds before, right below him. He felt his fingers slipping... would he be able to hold on-
"Hello! It's ME!"
"OH HOLY [CENSORED]!"
Vaati jumped, letting go of the vines and plummeting towards the spikes. He didn't have time to scream before he bounced off them with a wail of pain.
The author watched disdainfully. "Go back through that sentence, Vaati. You BOUNCED."
"Yes, I know, and it HURT! Wait... I bounced?"
He found himself treading water, completely painlessly.
"OH NOOOOO! I LANDED IN THE LAVA! I'M DEAD! I'M PUSHING UP DAISIES! I'VE COPPED IT! I'M BELLY- UP!" He flopped onto his back. "Huh...? Hang on. What the heck?"
"Well, I'm outta here." the author sighed disdainfully. "I'm supposed to be dead, anyway... I was hacked to pieces by Onox at the end of the first story." With that, she swept out of the room and walked straight through the locked door. Vaati watched her go with a puzzled expression, then looked down at himself. He took a while to recover from the shock (and slight disappointment) of not being dead, and then decided to analyse his current situation.
"Oh, GREAT. I'm all wet. And just as... Hey, what on earth is that?"
He could just see a machine underwater, bubbling busily. A long cylindrical tube extended upwards from it and there were several of these strange contraptions lining the walls. Deciding to take a look, he dived underwater neatly and swam towards them.
"What the HELL?! It's a SodaStream! So..." he took a while to muse, "this entire room, seemingly filled with dangers, is actually completely harmless! It's quite obvious now that the lava is merely carbonated water with liberal amounts of food dye added, but this amount was not able to cover the entire surface area of the water! I thought the laws of physics were being disobeyed somewhat when I first witnessed how the supposed lava suddenly turned to water halfway across the room! But I quite like SodaStreams... I used to have one, they were perfect for turning orange squash into a lovely little Fanta- style pick me up, especially as I'm far too high- end to actually drink that hideous concoction right from the bottle. What teenagers today see in it, I have no idea. I heard SodaStreams even made tea fizzy... that must have been in-"
Of course, while monologuing to himself, he had completely failed to mention that he was still underwater. He took a furtive glance around.
"Oh [CENSORED]!" ... *glub glub glub*
(A/N: Science fail, guys. Science fail. That probably wouldn't work in real life xD Though if anyone does achieve it, send me a link or something! xD. )
Ganondorf
Ganondorf was in a very difficult situation.
The room seemed to be upside down, and had been upside down for quite a while. He could see something marked "SWITCH TO REVERSE ROOM ORIENTATION" on the roof, but apart from that there was nothing. A couple of blocks led up to the switch in the pattern of stairs, save for one that seemed to be a little out of place. There was a large flashing square saying "PUT EXTERNAL PRESSURE ON THE BLOCK TO MEET PATTERN REQUIREMENTS AND IMPROVE ACCESSIBILITY" just in front of the block.
He had absolutely no idea what to do.
He sat down in the middle of the room and considered. He soon got bored of this, however, having completely forgotten what he was supposed to be considering. He got up and paced around boredly, deciding to walk into the walls.
"Perhaps walking into the walls will hit that thing in my skull and make it more cleverer!" he announced to himself, and went to hit his head against the bricks. On his way there, however, the top of his head hit one of the aforementioned blocks.
"OW! MY... um... TOP OF THE BODY THING!" he howled. "HOW DARE YOU, BLOCK! How DARE you be so nasty to Ganondorf the Super... I can't remember what I called myself... Anyway, PREPARE TO FEEL MY WRATH!"
He summoned up all his valuable magic, determined to destroy this item that had offended him so. With an enormous blast, he shattered it into a thousand pieces that scattered all over the floor. They skittered close to his feet, causing him to jump.
"Aha! I see you now!" he bellowed, pointing at the pieces. "Trying to SPEAR me! Well, I'll just move away from you then!" He took a couple of steps backwards. "So THERE!"
Unfortunately, this block had been the third- to- bottom one and was a supporting structure for the rest of the blocks. With an almighty sway, the structure began to topple. Ganon noticed this, and looked up to see it swinging ominously from side to side as its equilibrium became more unstable by the second.
He smirked.
"Yes, yes! Feel free to do a dance for me, O strangely square and bald maiden!" he announced pompously. "I shall just stand here and watch you and comment on how stupid you are! Your dance is rubbi-"
A CRASSSSSHHHHHHHH shook the building as the entire load of blocks collapsed on top of him.
Shadow Link
Shadow scratched his backside as he wondered how long the other two would be.
"HOLY HOWLIN' [CENSORED]!"
He did a combat roll out of the way as Vaati was hurled by a giant Wallmaster hand into the wall. He bounced off it and onto the floor rather painfully.
"Master, what's the [CENSORED] [CENSORED] deal just turnin' up like that?!"
Vaati raised his head off the floor, glaring. "Well, it wasn't exactly any fault of my own."
"Why, what [CENSORED] happened?"
"Well, it seemed that I drowned while reminscing to myself about the good old days. I must still be alive, however, because that Wallmaster just rescued me!"
"Oh." Shadow's shoulders drooped. "So you mean I can't light my fart through your ghost."
"NO."
"Well, well, well." The author's voice resounded throughout the temple. "Seems like the key wasn't in Vaati's room! That means it's up to Ganny to get it. But only one person can be allowed in that room at a time, so you can't go and help! What are you going to do?"
"Wait for Ganny to sort it out himself. He will eventually, right?" Shadow asked hopefully.
"He's unconscious."
There was an awkward silence. Shadow, as usual, just shrugged and turned back to staring at the locked door wistfully. Vaati didn't even have to look at him to realise that he would have to sort it out himself.
The mage got up and walked in a circle, going over the usual formula of Zelda dungeons. Go in dungeon, get item, beat boss- wait? Where was the item? Surely it couldn't be behind the locked door? Wouldn't that be a bit TOO unlucky?
To cut a long story short (although, to be fair, this chapter does seem a little shorter than the rest), Vaati ventured back into the room in which he had had the terrifying SodaStream experience and retrieved a pickaxe, which was inexplicably floating in mid- air right in front of the door. He wondered how he could have ever missed it.. he didn't notice the author chuckling awkwardly and muttering "I forgot the plot device..." before slipping away into the shadows.
He marched out like a hero, swinging it in front of him. Shadow sprinted up ("Hot damn, master, look at the blade on that!") Of course, the boy had rampant disregard for his own personal safety and ended up getting half his hair chopped off.
"Hey, it looks like a Mohican!" he announced, summoning a mirror.
"No, it looks like male pattern baldness." Vaati replied from outside Ganondorf's room. "Idiot."
Shadow hissed something about self- esteem and continued admiring himself.
"Master Ganondorf!" Vaati shouted. He could just see his master's toes poking out from beneath a pile of rubble. "Oi! Get up! There's a time and a place to be sleeping, you know!"
The sound of Vaati's voice awakened a relatively large part of Ganon's small brain. It was the part that dealt with feeling superior, feeling like the last intellectual in the world, feeling as if he was the last saviour of what he believed in amongst a whirling tide of fools and purple- skinned ex-Picori that dared to even look him in the eye.
It was the part of his brain that reminded him that-
"VAATI! YOU'RE STUPID!" the blocks screamed.
"Oh good, you're awake." Vaati replied, as the legs attatched to the toes started kicking wildly. "Don't do that, Master, you're under a pile of-"
"YOUR POO!"
"No, a pile of-"
"MY OWN BRAIN!"
"A. Pile. Of-"
"SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF! Go, slave! Pull me up!"
"I can't come in the room!"
"You can if you really want to..."
"Stop acting like a freaking psychologist and just stay there!"
-
Readers: m OMG. Wtf author!?
I apologise w Next chapter will be better...it'll be a TOTAL and UTTER chemistry massacre! Yaaaay!
WraithHeart: Ghana! OMG wow! O.O We studied Ghana in primary school...see, I knew that knowledge would come in handy *sigh* I've forgotten it all now... I've slept since then xD
I can see what you mean though, even when it's hot over here in freezing cold Britain I find myself wishing for snow. Can't imagine what it would be like in a place where it's hot all the time. I think you'd be quite fortunate to have a snowstorm though ;D If I ever become an evil sorceress through some highly illegal way or another, I'll remember to send a couple of flurries your way ;3
Wah ha haaa! Okay then, that your final bet? 'Cuz lemme tell you a secret... he seems pretty close to snapping already, you may be right on the money! ;) Or maybe he's a calmer butt monkey than Ghirahim and will let the nice men in white coats experiment to their heart's content... maybe xD
Shadow Link: Yandere!? I can be a [CENSORED] Yandere if I want to!
Me: What, about Vio?
Shadow: *vomits*
Me: The fangirls love you, Shadow...
Crazy Yandere fangirl: WHERE!? WHERE'S MY SHADOW!? LEMME AT HIM!
Shadow: He's not here!
*beat*
Oh [CENSORED].
Wait wait wait! Farming implements now!? Well, I'LL show you a farming implement!
*jumps in forklift truck* Without a soul, I'M RUTHLESS D
My soul: [CENSORED], that was a stupid disguise. Go on, Cortex! Protect me from the Reaper!
Swamp Dragon Princess: You got a PM! Or... did you? :/ I'm pretty sure I sent one. But the site is being stupid and not letting me access my inbox... I'm sorry if I didn't ;w; I'll upload this chapter, but please back your stuff up! ^^