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Way The Wind Blows
Chapter Nineteen
THREE DAYS LATER
Empty.
Without Chakotay, the cottage felt empty. So did the cabin.
No comfort anywhere.
Nothing but pain.
Curled up on the windowseat, Petunia lying at her feet, Kathryn wept as she looked at the distant Irish sea. Once again all her hopes and dreams were dashed. Dashed like the waves that beat against the rocks.
No Chakotay.
No reason for living.
No reason to keep the cottage.
And she didn't want to. It would be a constant reminder of what she had lost. Of the life with him she could have lived.
And yet...
And yet he wasn't dead. Not like Justin. If the future her Jack was from still existed, and it had to for him to be transported back there, they would definitely meet again.
Perhaps soon.
If only soon.
Unlikely soon.
For her Jack was a lot older than his counterpart in this timeline. Almost two decades older. That was a long time to wait to be together again.
Too long.
She wanted him now. Needed him now. Needed him with all her heart and soul. For without him both were dying.
Did he feel the same? Was his heart breaking without her? Or were his thoughts and attentions on the other Kathryn now? She didn't know whether to hope so or hope not.
If only she could close her eyes and transport herself to that future. If only she could live it now.
"Don't forget me," she whispered, tracing a raindrop as it ran down the windowpane. "Don't stop loving me. I never will you."
But she couldn't wait. Couldn't wait for a future that might never happen. Besides, the future Chakotay described didn't sound great. He and her were not together, the reason still unknown, and his family had died in tragic circumstances. Maybe, just maybe, she could change that future. Change it here in the present.
And that's when the idea came to her.
She would seek Chakotay out. His younger self. If he'd loved her in the future then he could love her in the present. They'd fall in love all over again and live an even better life than the one they'd dreamed of. They would get married, properly, have children, and live their lives in the open. There would be no need for secrecy, no need to hide in the shadows.
Resolved, Kathryn got up from her seat, wiped dry her eyes, and immediately set about the task of finding him.
Raylar's Bar was noisy. In a dark corner, sitting all alone, Kathryn sipped on a glass of mineral water. Bars were not her scene, even relatively nice ones like this, and she felt uncomfortable. Out of place, even, as all the women were dressed up and she was clad only in a casual blue blouse over white pants. Her hair lacked style too, as it was clipped back plainly from her face, and she was only wearing a little make-up.
Every time the main door opened, Kathryn looked up to see who was entering, hoping with all her heart that it was Chakotay. For a couple of days she'd made enquiries about his regular haunts and had learned that he came to this bar almost every Saturday night. So, tonight being Saturday, she had come in the hope he would show up.
But, so far, no luck.
"Hey, sister..."
The unfamiliar female voice seemed to be addressing her, so Kathryn looked up. As she did, a woman about her own age, with long curly black hair and distinctive green eyes, walked towards her. She was wearing a black leather skirt over black fishnet tights, a bright red top that shimmered in the light, and high leather boots that reached her knees. For a moment Kathryn thought she was a prostitute, but then realized that she was a regular.
"What are you doing here, angel?" she asked, sitting opposite. "No offense, but this doesn't look like your kind of place."
"I...I'm waiting for someone," Kathryn replied.
"I see. Been waiting a while, haven't you? Some fella stand you up?"
Kathryn made no reply.
"If he did, don't sweat it. There's plenty more fish in the sea. And they can all swim...know what I mean?"
The main door opened and Kathryn's face lit up when, at last, Chakotay entered. He was wearing a smart tan jacket over black pants and, though he was years younger than the Chakotay she had loved, and did not have a mustache, she recognized him immediately.
"Oh, Jeepers," the woman opposite said. "It isn't him, is it?"
Chakotay looked in their direction and Kathryn almost gasped. Then he made his way over to the bar and sat on a stool.
"I guess not," the woman went on.
Kathryn didn't take her eyes off Chakotay and again the woman noticed.
"Cute, ain't he? But don't be getting any ideas. If he ain't with someone...and he was last I heard...he's mine. I'm Mel, by the way. And you?"
"Kathryn," she replied.
"Good to meet ya. But do yourself a favor, honey, and go home. The guy you're waiting for ain't coming."
Mel then got up and walked away. As she did, Kathryn looked again at the bar. Chakotay was still sitting there but was no longer alone. There was a woman beside him, a beautiful woman with silky red hair that flowed over a classy green top. Kathryn swallowed. Was this woman his girlfriend? Was he really dating someone? The thought hadn't entered her mind. She had just assumed he would be single. Had just assumed he would be attracted to her. What if he wasn't? What if she wasn't in the least bit attractive to him? What would she do then? How would she bear the pain? Because she couldn't love and lose twice. If there was no hope of a future with Chakotay then...
But there was hope. He hadn't rejected her yet. There was still hope that he would love her.
And she needed his love. Needed his gentle strength . She had never known anyone gentler. And that's how she knew she could approach him. For this Chakotay had to be gentle too. A kind and principled man who, like her, ached to belong. To be loved.
So, when the pretty woman left his side, Kathryn summoned all her strength and went over to him. He was reading something, a padd, and didn't even notice her approach.
"Hi," she said.
Chakotay glanced at her, but then continued reading. "Hi," he replied.
The response wasn't exactly what Kathryn had hoped for, but she persisted. "You're Lieutenant Chakotay, aren't you? Tactical Instructor at the Academy? I'm in Starfleet too and my name is Kathryn..."
But before she could finish, the pretty redhead who had left earlier returned.
"That's me ready," she said, "shall we go?"
Chakotay smiled and got to his feet. "Let's go."
Then, without so much as a goodbye, he left with the woman.
From the bar, Kathryn watched him go, tears stinging her eyes, and the last sinews of her fragile heart broke when she saw the couple kiss in the doorway.
Back at the cabin, alone except for Petunia, Kathryn opened a bottle of whiskey and gulped it down. As she did, she helped herself to sleeping pills, every single one in the packet, and then collapsed onto the couch, hugging a pillow as she sobbed.
Didn't want to live.
Couldn't live.
Just wanted to sleep.
And then...
And then there was black oblivion.
The mountain was bitterly cold. Putting a glittering blue gift bag under his long coat to protect if from the snowfall, Mark knocked the cabin door and waited for Kathryn to answer. When she didn't, he knocked again. Still getting no response, Mark stepped away from the door and wandered over to the window. There was a dim light emanating from it, so the chances were Kathryn was inside. Perhaps she was listening to music and couldn't hear him. He put his hand to the window, cleared away some snow, and looked inside. There was nothing to see but an empty room. Then, just as he was about to turn away, he saw what looked like Kathryn's hair falling over the edge of the couch. He strained his eyes to make out the shape, and it definitely looked like Kathryn's hair. Thinking she was asleep, he knocked the window to wake her up, but she didn't stir. He studied the scene even closer and saw what looked like a bottle of whiskey or brandy discarded on the floor.
His heart was in his mouth now. Something was wrong, he could feel it. He knocked the window harder, but when he got no response, he went over to the door. There was a keypad on the right hand side of the door, and Mark noticed that the light on it was green. The door wasn't locked. With trembling fingers, he pressed the "open" button and pushed the door. It opened. He hurried into the cabin and over to the couch. His eyes quickly scanned the scene, and when he saw the empty packet of sleeping pills, he knew instantly what had happened. He knelt on the floor beside Kathryn, put his hand to her neck, and searched for her pulse. He found it, soft and steady. He then reached for his communication device in his pocket and activated it.
"Johnson 35471 to Medical Emergency 01. Medical Emergency at my location."
A woman's voice responded. "Nature of emergency?"
"Attempted suicide...drug overdose."
"Stand by for transport."
Within seconds, both he and Kathryn dematerialized.
White...bright lights...headache...colors...a face...
"Mark."
"Hello, Kathryn."
She felt a hand on hers, it was Mark's hand.
"Where am I? What happened?"
"You're in hospital," Mark said. "I found you in your cabin. You had..."
Kathryn closed her eyes and tears brimmed under her lashes. "I remember now."
Mark squeezed her hand. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn. You must have been in so much pain."
Kathryn turned her head away from him and began to weep softly.
Mark watched her, his heart heavy at her pain, and then he slowly, hesitantly, reached out and stroked her brow. "But it's going to be alright, Kathryn. I promise. I'm your friend and I care about you. So many people care about you."
"Just leave me alone, Mark."
Mark withdrew his hand, but he didn't get up. "It was him, wasn't it? Jack?"
Kathryn made no reply.
"I knew he would hurt you, I just sensed it. What did he do? Promise you all the love in the world, make love to you, and then go?"
"I don't want to talk about him."
"He's not worth all this, Kathryn. He's not even worth your tears."
Kathryn turned to him, wanting the subject to change. "Does my mother know? About me being here?"
"No," Mark replied. "It's very late and I think they want to talk to you before they tell her...Patient confidentiality and all that."
"I don't want her to know. I don't want anyone to know. I wasn't thinking straight when I took the pills. I didn't mean it...not really. I don't want her to know. It would ruin Christmas and break her heart."
"I won't tell her, Kathryn. I won't tell anyone." He reached for her hand and squeezed it. "I promise."
Kathryn smiled in gratitude. Then she questioned. "What were you doing at the cabin, anyway? I wasn't expecting you."
Mark put the glittering blue bag on her bed. "I wanted to give you this...for Christmas."
Kathryn picked up the bag and sat up a little. "Oh Mark, you shouldn't have..." She reached inside the bag and pulled out a Christmas card. Carefully, she opened the envelope and pulled out a shiny red card with a picture of a Christmas tree on the front. She read the greeting inside, and then put the card down.
"Thank you."
She then reached into the bag and pulled out what looked like a snow globe.
"I found this in a science museum gift shop in Sydney," Mark explained, "and immediately I thought of you. It has all the known planets in our galaxy and the glitter represents the stars."
Kathryn shook the globe and watched as pretty flakes of silver fell over dozens of green planets in the milky way.
"It's beautiful, Mark," she said. "Thank you."
She then smiled warmly at him and Mark smiled in return.
A WEEK LATER
Kathryn lay in a pretty white dress on her bed in her childhood home in Indiana, and gazed vacantly at the ceiling. All her relatives were gathering in the living room...Her Aunt Martha, her Uncle Bob, her cousins Jodie and Marsha, her great aunt Josephine, aswell as her sister and her new boyfriend Max...but Kathryn couldn't bring herself to face them. She knew she had to find the strength, that she had to somehow go down stairs and put on a smile, wish every one a merry Christmas, and thank them all for their kind gifts, but she didn't know how.
Living because she had to, not because she wanted to.
Back there, back in the pain that Chakotay's arriving had lifted her from.
And yet, not quite there.
For even though he was gone, and the cottage that was to be their home would soon belong to someone else, there was still that hope that one day they would find each other again.
Find each other and love each other again.
If only she could be sure.
If only she could believe it with all her heart...
Then, suddenly, there was a knocking on the door and, without waiting for an invitation, her mother came in. She held a little parcel in her hands, wrapped in gold paper and tied with a silver bow.
"This just arrived for you by special delivery."
Kathryn sat up and took the gift. "Who is it from?"
"I don't know, doesn't say."
Kathryn put the gift down on her bedside table. "I'll open it later."
Her mother looked at her sadly. "I know that today is difficult for you, sweetheart. And everyone down stairs knows that it's difficult. So don't feel like you have to put on an act."
"Thanks, Mom," Kathryn said quietly.
"But everyone wants to see you. How about you come down with me now?"
"In a moment," Kathryn answered. "Tell them I'll be down in a moment."
"Alright."
Her mother left the room, and Kathryn turned to look at the gift on her bedside cabinet. When she picked it up, she saw that it had a label with her address on it, and a note to say that it was to be delivered on the 25th of December 2360. Curious, she pulled open the silver ribbon and then unwrapped the gift. Beneath the gold paper was a red velvet box. Kathryn opened the box carefully and found a folded letter inside. She took out the letter and gasped when beneath it she saw a beautifully engraved Victorian style heart locket lying in white satin. Holding her breath, she unfolded the letter and began to read.
My darling Kathryn,
Merry Christmas. I give you this locket not only as a Christmas gift, but as a token of my love for you and in memory of all that we shared. I wish I could be with you now to give you this gift in person and kiss your beautiful smile, but if you are reading this letter, then it means that I am no longer with you. But even though I am not with you, I am thinking of you across the years and the distance that separates us. And when you think of me, don't think of me with pain or sadness, but remember me with love and happiness. That is all I ask, Kathryn...that you be happy.
Yours, with all my love, "Jack".
Kathryn tenderly touched the note as a tear ran down her cheek, and then she picked up the locket. It was so beautiful, so elegant. She ran her finger over the silver heart and then kissed it softly.
"We will be together again," she whispered. "I just know that we will. Someday, somehow, we'll be together."
And, until then, she would wear this locket close to her heart.
END OF CHAPTER NINETEEN