Aaaah, sorry this is up so late everyone~ Been ill again, so quickly had to finish off the chapter today! ^^
Anyway, bit of advice for you, if you don't like science... DON'T READ D 'Cuz this chapter is just FULL of it! Then again, this chapter is basically a complete abuse of science, so then again you might enjoy it xD
Chapter Nine: Chemistry Lessons
"OW! Now THAT was deliberate!"
Shadow looked up from leaning against the door. He had become bored of preening himself and had fallen asleep, but after having a dream about making out with Vaati narrated by a sarcastic TV voiceover he had learnt not to do that again. Hearing Ganondorf's roars from upstairs, he tried to focus on that instead.
The author tried to focus on writing the story instead of watching James May get his crotch kicked on Top Gear. Hospital TV= too good for words.
Vaati struggled valiantly against Ganondorf's kicks. He was holding tightly onto the pickaxe, which was implanted in his master's skin and leaving a rather deep cut. He couldn't help it- he had only meant to hook onto his clothes, but Ganondorf had started screaming about how they were "BODEN LIMITED EDITION! NOOOOOO!"
Maybe, he mused, just maybe... he hadn't pierced Ganny's skin accidentally.
Giving a vicious yank, he finally succeeded in pulling the fat, Boden- wearing idiot out of the room. Ganon flipped head over heels and landed with a crash against the railings lining the edge of the platform. These railings broke, of course, and he plummeted to the bottom floor dangerously close to Shadow's head. The boy recoiled.
"What the [CENSORED] did you do that for, Master?!"
"Do what?! It was Vaati's fault!"
"No, I mean fall off!"
"I was doing a combat roll into the railings! I looked super cool, right?"
"...No."
Vaati ignored the sound of Shadow being slowly strangled to death as he made his way into the room. Seeing the pile of blocks sitting folornely, he was at a complete loss at what to do. Looking at the pickaxe in his hand, he examined his reflection in the blade and wondered how the hell Shadow looked so much like him when they weren't even genetically related.
Oh... a pickaxe!
If any of you are familiar with the game Minecraft, it involves the protagonist Steve crafting a world for himself using basic tools in order to shelter from various monsters that roam the overworld. Vaati was a prolific player of Minecraft, having build an entire virtual scientific lab for himself on there. He had then fallen into a deep depression after he returned to his real- life lab (which, to be honest, was less of a lab and more of underneath Shadow's bed, where he stored several noxious chemicals that would soon create horrible mutations all over the boy's body).
Vaati retrieved the key easily after his flash of inspiration, only needing to wave his pickaxe as if he had a broken arm in order to spawn a block in front of him. He proceeded up to the ceiling and grabbed it-
"VAATI! HURRY UP, WILL YA?!" Shadow screamed from downstairs.
"Alright, alright!"
By the time the wind mage got back down the steps and to the locked door, Shadow and Ganondorf were in the middle of a raging argument. Since approximately ten seconds had passed since he had retrieved the key, this was rather impressive. He did not catch the gist of the debate, however, as Ganondorf decided enough was enough and summoned a Wallmaster to punch Shadow several hundred times into the floor. Vaati calmly took out his pickaxe and hacked the monster to pieces.
Ganondorf watched in a stupor. "...Huh? Vaati, where did you get that from?"
"It would take too much time to explain to you. Just use the edge of the pickaxe to scrape Shadow up while I unlock this door." came the reply. Ganondorf took the pickaxe off him cautiously, holding it in his hands like an explosive device.
He didn't hold explosive devices very cautiously.
"MASTER!" Shadow screamed as the pickaxe shattered into several pieces under the force of Ganon's grip. "THAT WAS THE [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] DUNGEON [CENSORED] ITEM YOU [CENSORED] IDIOT!"
Ganon shrugged and pretended not to care. "You don't need a pickaxe anyway. I can do exactly what a pickaxe does! Because I'm-"
"Ganondorf the Super Awesome, yes." Vaati hissed, struggling with the lock which had obviously not been oiled for a while. "I know, Master! Because you're so clever-"
Ganon's chest swelled with pride. "That I am."
"-An' super cool-" Shadow chorused, realising Vaati's plan.
Ganon smiled. "Of course."
"And amazingly powerful... how about you ACT like a pickaxe?"
Ganon's face went blank. "Huh?"
"All you have to do is sit there and be quiet." Vaati said, finally succeeding in unlocking the door. Ganon did as he said. "See, Master? That's perfect."
"But I don't look like a pickaxe! You're so stupid, Vaati!"
"Oh, ya do, Master. It's almost uncanny." Shadow replied. He sidled up to Vaati and the two started slipping through the door. "Now you just stay there an' be a pickaxe, and we'll be back out for ya soon."
"Can I fart?"
"Of course ya can. Pickaxes can fart too."
"Now IN!" Vaati hissed, wrenching Shadow all the way in and slamming the door behind them so hard the walls shook. "Let's hope this door autolocks from the outside!"
"You'd rather be trapped in this room than have to face Master Ganny?" Shadow asked, looking around with interest.
"Yes." came the reply. "I'd rather die than-"
They both realised something at the same time.
They couldn't breathe.
"THERE'S NO [CENSORED] OXYGEN IN THE ROOM!" Shadow screamed, tearing around like a headless chicken. He rugby- tackled Vaati to the floor and breathed heavily. "Stop usin' up my air! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
"Waaait! Shadow, get off! There's going to be something here!" Vaati gasped. "Let me go! I can't die now! This story will not end with dramatic irony!"
"But all that's here is CHEMICALS! I TOLD you we needed the [CENSORED] dungeon item!"
"Chemicals?!"
On the shelves not far above them were several complicated- sounding chemicals, all in individual shiny bottles. Vaati looked at them, eyes wide, and thought desperately back to his ill- fated science lab.
Ganondorf sat outside the door, hearing the bangs and yells and chuckling. He had been hoping that there was a giant monster inside the room to eat them both up.
Waaait... he was supposed to be a pickaxe! DID pickaxes have such violent thoughts? Did pickaxes think at all?
Sensing that his mind was about to explode, he called for Vaati. There was no reply from behind the door.
Well then... he thought, I'd better just do what a pickaxe would do!*
What would a pickaxe do...?
He sat there in wall- eyed silence, sounding and thinking for all the world like a piece of mountaineering equipment.
There was silence in the chemical room as well. Shadow was desperately trying to speak in order to swear, but there simply wasn't enough oxygen to do so. The mage was working quickly and efficiently, taking the bottles down from the walls and examining the labels. He put one or two away from the rest.
Shadow resorted to sign language.
W-H-A-T T-H-E [C-E-N-S-O-R-E-D] A-R-
He fainted.
Vaati rolled his eyes. "You would've got that sentence out if you hadn't put the [CENSORED] in, Shadow."
"There's no time for smartarsery!" the Grim Reaper bellowed, swinging his scythe around in the corner. "Ima waiting for some SOOOOOUUUUULLLLLLLSSSSSSS!"
"Hold your horses." came the casual (if slightly breathless) reply. Vaati was a lot fitter than Shadow (he had spent a much longer time than him chasing after Ganondorf), so had a larger lung capacity. However, it was still limited.
He snatched up a bottle of manganese dioxide and added it to a small phial of hydrogen peroxide, making sure to measure the amounts carefully. It was hard to see in the darkness, but he shook the tube and examined it.
"Shadow!" he said hoarsely. "Shadow, do you have a glowing splint?"
Shadow opened one eye. "Why- the holy- HELL- would you want- a [CENSORED]- glowing- splint?!"
"Because I may or may not have made oxygen!"
"The only thing- that's glowing- here- is-" Shadow pointed weakly to the centre of the room and passed out again.
Vaati looked in the indicated direction. There was a Zelda- style fire grate, glowing with a very dim light. He ran over and held the test tube over it, pointing the tip gently towards the glowing.
The grate burst into flames!
"Hooray for dubious science conjectures!" Vaati whooped. "Hooray for the fire triangle! Hooray for LIFE! We have oxygen!"
"Damn it." the Grim Reaper sighed, and floated away.
Vaati put the fire out quickly so it wouldn't use up any more of the precious air. Hearing a clicking noise from the south wall, he turned quickly to see a door- which he hadn't noticed before- open slowly to reveal a gaping chasm into the next room.
"Oh, of course!" Shadow shrieked happily. "The typical Zelda- style light fire, door opens technique! Wow... nearly 30 years of the same thing..."
"Don't." Vaati sighed. "You'll make me feel old. Nine years since Minish Cap... where has the time gone?"
"Where's the quality of fanfiction gone?!" the readers wailed. The author looked innocent and continued writing.
They walked through the door, and it stayed open behind them.
Meanwhile, Ganondorf had got bored of being a pickaxe. He hated not being able to think. After all, he thought so much, he just couldn't bear having a break! His intelligence was all that defined him! What would he do without it?
He got up and marched through the door, into the previously oxygen- deprived room. He did not stop to notice the flame, nor the open door before him. He did not stop to notice how poetic that last sentence sounded. He looked around him, enjoying freedom from being a mining implement.
He saw the chemicals on the walls.
Ganondorf was the victim of a dangerous combination of curiosity and stupidity. It was this that drove him to make quite a large mistake.
He had no knowledge of chemistry, of course- in fact, he had no knowledge of anything except for evildoing (and even then he couldn't exactly be counted a success). But nevertheless, he pulled the bottles down from the wall cheerfully. A large grin spread over his face as he saw their long and complicated names on the labels.
"My, my, my!" he said aloud. "I'm so glad I'm not a pickaxe anymore! I'm so clever! I can use- hyd- hid- hido- I DON'T KNOW!"
He snatched up the test tube Vaati had used in frustration and emptied it out. "It doesn't matter if I can't read! I'll just make my OWN chemical! It'll be called Ganondorf the Awesome's Elixir of Hate!"
His eyes shone as he thought of the possibilities this created.
"I'll be WAY more clever than Vaati! Everyone likes Vaati because he's some stupid evil scientist! Well, everyone will HATE him now because I'LL be the RULER OF THE WORLD! No...wait... What was my ulterior motive again?"
He thought hard before giving up. He had utterly forgotten.
To cut a potentially long chapter short, Ganon was not as scientifically inclined as Vaati and so had no clue what any of the various chemicals did. He eventually mixed hydrochloric acid and, because they looked pretty, some marble chips of calcium carbonate. He mixed this substance cheerfully and sniffed it.
Shadow, who was in the other room, looked behind his shoulder. "Hey, d'ya hear someone choking?"
"No." Vaati snapped. Then he stopped and listened. "Actually, yes."
"Yay! Let's listen!"
"Yeah! I love the sound of death!"
They ran back to the wall and crouched down, listening with glee to the death throes of whoever was in the chemical room. However, something said person choked out caused them both to freeze in horror.
"I should have... stayed being... a pickaxe..."
"OH [CENSORED]!" Shadow shrieked. The two ran into the room and dragged Ganon's enormous girth out, almost choking in the process themselves. Since his armour was covered all over in menacing- looking, but slightly impractical spikes, they had no choice but to drag him out via a huge wedgie. Shadow had a small sense of deja vu while doing this.
They pulled Ganon into the room and slammed the door behind them. Shadow collapsed on the floor, his skinny body unable to take the pressure of dragging the King of Evil by his knickers anymore. Vaati slumped against the wall, panting.
"You- made- CARBON DIOXIDE- you- you-" he stuttered, before shaking his head in despair and saying no more.
Ganon stuck his hand down his trousers and arranged his pants back into a comfortable position. He snorted at Vaati.
"Carbon dioxide?! You made that up, you idiot! And for lying to me, I'm going to SIT ON YOU!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Wait!" Shadow yelled. Ganon stopped, his backside hovering inches from Vaati's face. The mage whimpered. "Lord Ganondorf, Master Vaati, I really don't think we oughta be doing this here. It just seems a little... unsafe, doesn't it? Almost as if something's going to leap out at us."
Everyone paused, waiting for some dramatic irony.
None came.
-
xD xD XD
GANONDORF.
PICKAXE.
OMG I'M A GENIUS.
Swamp Dragon Princess: Oh yeah, believe me Vaati seriously injured himself on that wall . It's taken a lot of abuse from this story... I wonder if it'll collapse altogether anytime soon? Obviously it would HAVE to fall on someone's head...that's comedy, right?
Hrm... a thing that Zoras need to swim with... should be the winning question on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
I think if Vaati had ended up with low intelligence, he would've had a total breakdown of self-confidence (which, of course, he finds it difficult to keep up anyway x3. ) and just not done anything. The chapter would have probably ended up with him staring sullenly into space...in all truth, I DID have a genuine reason for not putting Vaati in the "low intelligence" room...can't remember what the heck it is though! :/
Space juice? I've heard of that somewhere xD Kind of like a drinks equivalent of blue Smarties... Shadow drinks too much of it I think . Maybe in later chapters I should put Vaati on some "space juice"... he needs some cheering up after all 8D
WraithHeart: Oh believe me, nothing can keep Ganondorf the Super Awesome down! Except an enormous pile of bricks, maybe a roof dropped on top of him, and an anvil for good measure. *sighs* We can always hope...
Well, I suppose it wouldn't be hot to you if you've lived there a long time, unfortunately here in Britain we are rather famous for having cold, wet, and generally ugly weather so I'd probably find it utterly stifling! But then again my temperature has been a steady 38 plus degrees for the past few days so who knows, maybe I've got a feeling of what it's like w
Shadow Link: I'm not damned! [CENSORED], I'll never be damned! I'll go down fighti- OH [CENSORED] THAT GIRL'S GOT AN AXE.
*steps towards you, gunslinger-style* Oh yeah!? Bring it on, buddy! Except...hey, pretty doggy! Want me to give you a little pat? Oh go on then, don't you growl at me, it won't hurt...hey, I would thank you to GET ME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! BWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
*manages to throw shuriken-style projectile at you* I'll get out of this alive! You just wait!
Anyways, I'll see you all next week, bear in mind that I have my first GCSEs starting from 20th of May (omg omg omg) so chapters may be a bit shorter :3 Thank you~!