Sorry this is up so late again, guys... been really ill...*sigh* and my GCSEs start on Tuesday...great! *sarcasm*
Pfft, writing this kind of took my mind off it x3 Although this chapter does seem a little shorter! Enjoy anyway!
Chapter Ten: More Chemistry
"MORE chemistry?! Are you being [CENSORED] serious?!" Shadow groaned. Vaati looked confused.
"Where does it say that?"
"Up there, you idiot." Shadow and Ganon said at the same time, pointing upwards towards the chapter name.
Vaati looked up and saw nothing but a ceiling. "Well, as a more rational and scientific being I refuse to accept the existence of an alternate dimension without sufficient evidence."
"You accepted it readily enough before." the author muttered, but wrote no more on the subject.
Ganon was still squatting over Vaati, looking as if he was a bit constipated. Shadow was desperately trying distraction techniques to stop him actually squashing his purple master's face in. He had previously announced that he found the atmosphere of the room to be a bit dangerous, but had been interrupted by the chapter ending. With the restrictions of the fourth wall now reduced by the imminent arrival of a new chapter, he was free to make more absurd statements about their location.
"I swear there's a giant dragon in here. Called Bob. With a face like a squashed tomato and feet like flat fish."
"You what?!"
"You [CENSORED] heard me, Vaati! I'm trying to save your skin!"
"Well, no worries." came a smooth voice from the upper corner of the room. Shadow turned, but could see nothing. The room, much like the one before, was almost empty, save for a small grate burning in the corner. Cobwebs were strewn across the floor and in the corners, perhaps representing the author's imagination. "Soon ALL your skins will need saving. You won't be here for long."
"Oooh, good!" Ganon announced, letting rip with an excited fart. Vaati shut his mouth and refused to breathe as it washed over him. "Are you going to give us a key to get us out, O voice- with- no- body?"
"Yes, I am." the voice replied. Shadow whirled around, confused. Vaati, however, saw a lit splint floating towards them from the darkness. He frowned.
"You're all going to be rescued. And Ganondorf, you are going to be crowned king!" The splint hovered above Vaati's face. The mage's eyes widened.
The fart that erupted ripped across the entire temple, causing rats to scatter and doors to fly off their hinges. The shockwave was actually visible as the floor rippled and the walls swayed back and forth.
Ganon looked over his shoulder and glared down at Vaati. The mage seemed to have lost his face.
"VAATI! Why does your face look like it's gone?!" he roared.
"You probably [CENSORED] blasted it off!" Shadow yelled.
"Vaati, put your face back on." said the author in a bored tone. "Please. Look, here it is."
"Well, thank you!" Vaati replied, attatching it to his visage cheerfully.
There was a sudden gust of hot air from nowhere in particular, that suddenly flooded through the room and made everyone gasp with its intensity. The author fled, disappearing into a wisp of condensed evil laughter. Shadow took a second to wonder whether she was the antagonist of the story, before realising that this would create quite a strange plothole.
But all the same, nobody could work out what was happening. The temperature of the room was rising steadily, with the hot air being pumped in through some unseen source as if they were in a blast furnace. Vaati ran over to the walls and felt them for cracks or openings, but there was nothing but rapidly heating stone underneath his fingers. Ganondorf, of course, was completely unable to comprehend what was happening, and had reverted back to his "pickaxe" state. Nobody found this very helpful.
Shadow took off his hat and tunic, flinging them across the room. He fell to his knees and glowered at the floor- why did he have to die now?! He had got through ten chapters! Where WAS this heat coming from?!
Luckily, the unspoken question (which, of course, is a necessity in fiction) was answered by the arrival of an enormous monster into the room. Now this sort of surprise is also not unknown in fiction, especially not fan fiction in which the author has severe writer's block. The way this monster arrived, though, was rather unusual.
The area around which Ganon had farted (luckily, Vaati had scrambled out of the way) had been the hottest place in the room. It seemed that in their misery at the sudden temperature rise, everyone had completely failed to notice the gigantic fire monster that had been spawned. The lit splint had served more of a purpose than just temporarily burning Vaati's face off, it seemed. What had happened was-
"Master Ganondorf! You lit your fart and created THIS abomination!" Vaati announced.
"I wish you'd stop interrupting." the author hissed. "Every time I get some good prose going, you have to interfere!"
"Can't help it if I write the story quicker than you." came the snappy reply.
The monster was nothing special, being your typical snake- like entity. Its wings were transparent and sinewy, and its neck was quite disgusting, stringy and thin. It used this to a great advantage though, being able to whip it back and forth with agility in an almost beautiful manner. Its body was made up entirely of fire, which whirled around it and gave it some sort of shape.
"Heeheee, look! It just twisted itself into a bum shape!" Shadow giggled. Vaati looked away politely.
"We should fight it!" whooped Ganondorf. "I'm a pickaxe! I can kill it! Look, I have a spike so I can run into it and stab it through the guts!"
He attempted to demonstrate this, breaking into a lumbering run and heading straight for the fire dragon. It hovered in mid- air, regarding him with what seemed like disdain, before lazily belching out a fireball that stopped him in his tracks.
"Master, your head's on fire." Vaati observed.
"NOOOOOOO! I'll go BALD!" Ganondorf screamed.
"Pickaxes are bald anyway!" Shadow offered, unhelpfully. Ganon ignored him and rolled around on the floor, trying to blow the flames off his own head and cricking his neck in the process. He rolled into a wall and lay there whimpering (and still on fire).
Vaati wasn't sure how to confront this monster, especially not when it was flailing its' neck around. He supposed it might concuss itself, because said dragon didn't seem to have much spatial awareness and was constantly smashing into the wall. It didn't seem affected in the slightest, though.
"How do we do this?!" screamed Shadow, dancing around in panic. "How do we kill this little [CENSORED]?!" He whipped his hat off and used it as a fan.
The monster seemed intrigued by this, and stopped thrashing around to watch as the boy fanned himself frantically. Vaati watched its' response with interest.
"Shadow, keep fanning yourself!" he announced. "Run around the room as well!"
"Why the [CENSORED] would I do that?! It's [CENSORED] counterproductive, innit!"
"JUST FOLLOW ME!"
Vaati sprinted around the perimeter of the room, with Shadow following behind wiggling his hat. The monster followed them enthusiastically. Ganondorf stopped trying to put his hair out and watched in interest. His mind simply could not fathom why his two lackeys were running around the room when they were supposed to be protecting him from the dragon.
He continued watching.
His eyes lit up.
"AAAAAAUUURRRRGHHHHHH!" Vaati heard Shadow shriek behind him. He glanced over his shoulder, and saw the form of the dragon stop in mid- air, apparently confused. It seemed to have twisted itself a little, but not as much as he wanted- he needed to completely immobilise it.
"What's the hold-up?" he asked Shadow in slight panic, as he saw the fire dragon inhale again. Then he noticed Ganondorf.
"LET GO OF HIS SHOULDERS!" Vaati yelled. The man was standing behind his lackey, gripping his shoulders and beaming expectantly.
"Keep moving, Shadow!" Ganondorf commanded. Shadow reluctantly began running again, with the dragon following them. Ganon's voice rang out around the chamber.
"CHA CHA CHA! LET'S ALL DO THE CONGA! CHA CHA CHA!"
He flung a leg out, booting the wall and swearing.
"Shadow Link! Kick your leg out!"
Shadow raised his leg.
"CHA CHA CHA! Come on, boy, get into the spirit of things!"
Shadow raised his other leg as Ganondorf swung his upwards.
"CHA CHA CHA! COME AND JOIN THE CONGA! CHA CHA CHA, CONGA ALL THE WAY!"
Vaati tried to ignore them, but it was incredibly difficult to when Ganondorf blew off every time he lifted his leg. He could hear his minion choking.
"Come on Ganny, conga this way!" he said faux-cheerfully, kicking one of his legs up to get into the spirit of things. Ganondorf enthusiastically wrenched Shadow round to face the wind mage, delighted that both his minions were being so enthusiastic. Usually they were very reluctant to do things he told them to... he couldn't think why.
The three did the conga around the room in several directions, kicking their legs up in time to their own badly- sung chants. Vaati was given the responsibility to wave Shadow's hat, and did so, pretending it was instead a white flag and someone would come and rescue him soon. Shadow and Ganon were actually getting into things, and were flinging alternating legs up so cheerfully that Shadow kicked himself in the face at one point.
"Come on, guys!" the author said faux-cheerfully, jumping into the conga line. "Move the story along!"
"That would be a good idea." Vaati responded.
Swamp Dragon Princess: Actually, I could really do with a lie down right about now.. x3 Anyway, you got another PM! Yay!
I was just about to type :la: then...but I wish dA emoticons would work on other sites!
WraithHeart: THAT is a very good point ;) Shadow Link and pretty much all the goons in Zelda history hero-worship their master waaaay too much...still, I suppose it keeps the story going xD
Shadow Link: Not a [CENSORED] clue! I bet I could take her on though...waaait...hang on...*gulp*
Yup, enjoy yourself, Shaddy! Maybe the mental scars will toughen you up a bit...
DAAAAAMMMNNNNNNNNN! Waait, hang on, if I don't have a soul then surely I should be dead...haha! This means that I can keep fighting ETERNALLY! *pulls out Koloktos-style axes* Now all I have to do is grow multiple arms and I WILL RULE THE WOOOOOORLD!