This chapter... I don't know what happened xD I think I write better when I'm ill! But it's half term... so I suppose I'd better get to work on the next one! ;) I enjoy doing weekly updates...otherwise I'd just forget :D

Chapter Eleven: Ganondorf's Appetite

By this time the dragon had almost given up, and had managed to grow arms and was now holding its' head in both hands. It made a feeble lunge at the author, who dodged it neatly and continued dancing around the room. Apparently she was reliving memories of primary school discos where she had made a complete fool of herself, and was determined to replace these memories with more palatable recollections.

"That's it!" Shadow suddenly broke away from the chain. "I can't [CENSORED] take it anymore!"

"That's your two THOUSANDTH swear word throughout the course of both stories!" the author yelled. "I can't believe this! I need a break from your constant language!"

"You need a writing course." Vaati muttered, and snickered at his own joke.

"Hey, where's my conga line gone?" Ganondorf asked, distraught. He decided this would be ample time to bring his imaginary friend back into the story, and gripped the air in front of him. He continued dancing in a bizarre manner.

"Well, I don't intend to- [CENSORED]!" Shadow shrieked as an explosion rent the air behind him, an expulsion of heat and fury from the monster behind him that nearly stripped the skin off his back. "[CENSORED] [CENSORED] lay it [CENSORED] off, author!"

"Has the dragon actually tied itself into a knot!?" Vaati asked, noticing that the thing was struggling to fly. It's wings seemed to be buried beneath its flanks, and it had indeed twisted itself into a flaming pretzel. It writhed in midair, sending streaks of flame across the room and flares of heat perilously close towards the author. Who had somehow pulled out a massive square with a "M" written on it.

"What does that mean!?" the wind mage whimpered. "If it's an evil spell, I'll kill you."

"No, it's the rating I'm going to put this story up to if Shadow swears one more ti-"

"[CENSORED], look at meeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm riding a [CENSORED] [CENSORED] dragon! I'm KING OF THE [CENSORED] WORLD!"

"Right, that is IT!" Vaati was knocked backwards by the force of an irate Welsh author as she charged forward, wielding the M above her head like it was a precious war artefact. She leapt at the dragon and began attacking it with huge force.

It didn't take many hits... the wrath of a furious author was far too much for any dragon to withstand for long and it eventually began to evaporate, slowly at first. Tendrils floated into the air as it was attacked at a relentless pace-

"But I wanna join in!" Ganondorf whined. "It's MY STORY! I'm going to FART AGAIN if you don't watch out!"

"Oh no, you don't!" Vaati exclaimed, grabbing the evil overlord and dragging him back by his pants. "Just let things happen without you interfering for once!"

"Go on, Master!" Shadow cheered. "You're the [CENSORED] Hulk, you are!"

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I AM! I'M NOT GANONDORF THE SUPER AWESOME, I'M THE HULK!" Ganondorf stopped suddenly, having made a convulsive movement against Vaati's grasp that indicated he was desperate to lunge forward. He brought out a mirror, seemingly from mid air, and examined his face thoroughly. "Of course, I'm a much more handsome Hulk..."

Nobody was brave enough to contradict this statement.

The dragon was eventually beaten into submission a few seconds later. Whether this was because it simply couldn't survive prolonged assualt, or whether it decided death was preferable to being beaten up by a supervillain with an overinflated ego, we shall never truly know for sure.

"Right then, so we're supposed to get some sort of reward..." Vaati mused.

"Oh, do you mean the shiny thing that inexplicably floated down from the air?" Ganondorf asked happily. Vaati and Shadow were too shocked to respond, having been startled into silence after realising that Ganondorf was actually using big words like "inexplicably".

It was because of this shock that they completely failed to notice the pendant itself floating, as Ganon had said, through the air. The King Of Evil's eyes brightened; his diversion tactic had worked! He wriggled his way out of Vaati's limp arms (the mage had gone into a slightly delirious state of disbelief) and stood underneath the pendant, watching it fall slowly towards him.

It fell slowly.

Very slowly.

"Why do the Zelda games always make "pendant get" cutscenes so freaking SLOW!?" Ganon roared, doing a sort of fury- dance on the spot. "I'm going to POO MYSELF if it doesn't-"

"Poo yourself!?" Vaati's exclamation rang throughout the temple. "Please don't, Master! Please don't desecrate this sacred- hey, what the hell are you doing?" Ganondorf had opened his mouth, Jabu- Jabu style, and allowed the pendant to descend slowly into it. Before anyone could do anything, he had given it three loud chews and swallowed it.

There was a silence as horror dawned upon everyone in the room.

Ganon gave one last large swallow, and grinned brightly. He seemed positively ecstatic considering Ghirahim had probably put some hideous curse on the pendant that would slowly eat him inside out.

TEN MINUTES LATER

They exited the temple, not in the jubilant mood they had expected to exit in, but in rather a furious one. Shadow was visibly itching to punch something, Vaati was developing an eye tic, and Ganondorf was angry because he couldn't find the pendant.

"You ATE IT." Vaati hissed.

"No, I think YOU ate it! I'm Ganondorf the Super Awesome! Why would I need to eat? I need no material sustenance, I survive off my own greatness!"

Vaati was in too much of a bad mood to notice Ganon's gradually increasing intelligence. Instead, he fingered Old Guy's necklace and wondered how the heck they were going to explain this to Sahasrahla. Or, would the wonder of excretion eventually save their skins? He didn't fancy rifling through Ganon's stools to find a missing pendant, but he resigned himself to the fact that this was probably the only way they would retrieve it.

They walked in a solemn silence back across the fauna, stopping only so Vaati could summon the wind to blow them across the broken bridge.

"Wh-" Shadow began.

"NO." Vaati stopped him before his words could even become discernible. They walked for another hour.

"Why do-"

"NO."

Another hour of walking.

"Why don't we telepor-"

"I'M IN TOO MUCH OF A BAD MOOD TO LISTEN TO YOUR STUPID ADVICE."

Shadow fell silent miserably. He wished they had Bob.

"Hello everyone~!" Sahasrahla greeted them cheerfully when they arrived at his door, holding a fresh batch of scones and tea in his wrinkled hands. Vaati was the first to take one, but was so physically exhausted from hours of walking and getting lost that he missed the plate and simply fainted away at the old man's feet. Ganondorf looked delighted at this opportunity to physically destroy his minion, but he was pulled back by Shadow.

"Have you got the pendant?" Sahasrahla asked cheerfully. "Because after all, it's completely integral to your quest and without it, who knows, this story probably won't even continue!"

Vaati, lying prostrate on the floor, suddenly found himself hoping that that pendant would stay inside Ganondorf forever.

After the mage had recovered, they sat in silence in the old man's house, poring over the ancient map he had given them while he elaborated over what temples they should go to next.

Nobody was brave enough to tell him that the pendant had unfortunately been swallowed, although Vaati seriously started considering it when he heard Sahasrahla's description of the next dungeon they would encounter.
"So...you will need to venture into a water temple...venture into the depths and find the sacred spot where your next pendant lies...only then will you be able to break the curse that is put upon this kingdom!"

"Always with the curses..." Shadow muttered. "I didn't think Ghirahim would be capable of running an entire kingdom on his own anyway..."

"Ghirahim?" Sahasrahla looked confused. "Just remember, young boy...Ghirahim is not your only enemy!"

Vaati looked mildly surprised at this- one could almost hear his quick brain ticking over, going through every foe they had encountered along their travels.

He stared at his hands in his lap, thinking hard. Old Man, maybe? It was probably something like that...

"This chapter is boring." Ganondorf announced, breaking the silence. "I'm going to have a poo."

Vaati closed his eyes in despair.

WraithHeart: Yes, I am ill often xD It's not an excuse, I promise!
Awww... no mental impairment? What a shame, what a shame... and here I was thinking I could be responsible...*wistful sigh*
Ooooh hot dang! Now THAT'S a bit unfortunate... I didn't think of that! *looks around wildly* Hey, at the start of your review you mentioned a nuclear bomb...where the heck's my nuclear bomb!? WHERE IS IT!?
Or then again *evil grin* if I'm some kind of spectre, surely I should be able to do what 90% of evil spectres do and absorb your soul...MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Anyway guys, a bit of news; I've become addicted to TV Tropes, Little Big Planet, and Mortal Kombat w Oh dear... my production values may decrease a little...xD Or you poor readers will just get a ton of obscure and unfunny references xD