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Way The Wind Blows
Chapter Twenty Two
TWO DAYS LATER
A sharp prodding in her shoulder woke Kathryn up. As she raised her head, she became aware of an ache in her neck, a stiffness, and her hand automatically reached for the sore spot. It only took her a moment to realize where she was. She was in sickbay, sitting beside Chakotay's bed. He looked like his usual self now, as she had asked the Doctor to restore his tattoo, shorten his hair, and remove his mustache. The Doctor had refused at first, thinking it would be a violation of Chakotay's rights, but when Kathryn had explained that Chakotay had changed his appearance to momentarily blend in with the natives at his desired place of transport, the Doctor had reluctantly agreed. Chakotay's condition had improved over the past two days and he was no longer on life-support, but he was still unconscious.
"You need to get some rest, Captain."
The voice belonged to the Doctor.
Kathryn straightened herself up. "I'm alright, Doctor."
"You've been at the Commander's bedside virtually around the clock for the past two days. You need to sleep."
"I want to be here when he wakes up."
"He might not wake up for weeks, Captain. You can't..."
A bleep interrupted him, and the Doctor turned to a monitor close by.
Kathryn got to her feet in concern. "What's happening?"
"The Commander's regaining consciousness."
Kathryn sat again and with trembling fingers reached for his hand. She knew that he was most likely not going to remember what had happened between them, at least not straight away, but there was a chance, a small chance, that he might...
Chakotay's eyes fluttered open and Kathryn smiled warmly.
"Welcome back."
Chakotay's eyes met hers, but only blankness looked back at her. His eyes then shifted to look at the Doctor, who was scanning him with a tricorder.
"Where am I? Who are you?"
Kathryn's smile faded and she looked up at the Doctor anxiously.
"You're on the USS starship Voyager," the Doctor replied. "Do you know that ship?"
"No," Chakotay answered.
"I'm Voyager's EMH. Do you recognize me?"
"No."
"Do you know your name?"
"Chakotay," he replied.
"Do you know what year it is?"
"23...I...I don't know..."
"Do you know how old you are?"
"I...I can't remember." He frowned. "Why can't I remember?"
"You've suffered a serious head injury as a result of Post Transportation Trauma. You're suffering from amnesia." He paused. "Do you know what amnesia is?"
"Yes. Impaired memory function."
"What is the last thing you remember?"
"A ship...I...I don't know."
"What about the Maquis? Do you know what the Maquis are?"
"French Resistance movement in World War II."
The Doctor looked at him in concern. This was not looking good. "What about B'Elanna Torres? Do you remember her?"
"No."
Sickbay doors opened and Seven of Nine came in, wearing a blue catsuit. When she saw that Chakotay had regained consciousness, she stopped walking and stood where she was.
"Welcome back, Commander," she said, trying and succeeding in not showing the relief she felt at his awakening.
At the sound of her voice, the Doctor turned around. "Seven...Of course, your check-up."
"It can wait. I will return at a more convenient date."
"Thank you, Seven."
She gave an acknowledging nod, turned around, and then left sickbay.
When she was gone, Chakotay gazed at the spot where she had stood. "Who was that?"
"Seven of Nine," the Doctor replied. "A former Borg drone."
"She's very beautiful."
"Yes, she is."
"And she knew me. Do I know her?"
"Yes." The Doctor put down his tricorder. "Tell me what you know of yourself."
"My name is Chakotay. I'm from Trebus, a planet near the Cardassian border. I have a large family...had a large family. They're dead. The Cardassians killed them. Except...I have a sister. Sekaya. She's still alive. I left my home to go to space. No... to go to an Academy. Starfleet Academy. I'm a Starfleet Officer. I serve on a ship. We're lost in space."
"Very good," the Doctor replied. "Can you tell me anything more?"
"I like boxing...wrestling...planetology...archaeology. I'm from a tribe...Mayan...vegetarian." He paused. "I know you. You're the Doctor." He then turned to Kathryn. "And you're Captain Janeway."
Kathryn smiled. "That's right, Chakotay."
"I'm on Voyager. The year is...I can't remember the year. We're in the Delta Quadrant...been here a while...trying to get home."
"The year is 2378," Kathryn replied. "And we've been in the Delta Quadrant for seven years."
"2378," Chakotay repeated. "I remember now. Maquis crew. I was a Maquis. Now I'm a First Officer...your First Officer." He then looked up at the Doctor. "I know you. You're the Doctor."
Kathryn shared a concerned glance with the Doctor. Chakotay had already identified the Doctor.
"Yes," the Doctor replied. "I'm Voyager's EMH."
Chakotay turned back to Kathryn. "And I know you. You're Captain Janeway."
Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes at this second repetition, and the Doctor noticed her pain.
"Captain," he said kindly. "I think it would be best if you left us alone for a while. There are some tests I need to perform."
"Of course," Kathryn said quietly. "I'll...I'll be in my quarters."
As she got to her feet, the Doctor spoke again. "Before you do, I'd like a word." He glanced back at Chakotay. "Excuse me a moment, Commander."
The Doctor went over to Kathryn and drew her to the side. "It's very common for a patient to experience confusion after a head injury of this nature, Captain," the Doctor began. "But the Commander has a good sense of who he is. In the majority of cases, this confusion is only temporary. He gave us an accurate outline of his life and he could identify us. This is all very good, Captain."
Kathryn gave a sad nod, almost as though she didn't believe him. "I'm sure it is, Doctor." She paused. "Well, I...I'll leave you to your patient."
Without another word, she left sickbay, and the doors closed behind her.
Beneath a window of soaring stars, Kathryn slept on a couch in her quarters. Almost as soon as she had lay down, sleep had consumed her exhausted body, and she had slept for over five hours.
It was the sound of her door chime that woke her up, and Kathryn sat up slowly. Her neck was aching again and she raised her hand to it while she called out.
"Come in."
The doors opened and B'Elanna came in. For the past two days, her Chief Engineer had been very hostile, but her demeanor was more friendly now.
"I would like to apologize," she began, "for the way I've behaved over the past couple of days. I know you would never have deliberately put Chakotay in danger. I've just been so worried about him that I wasn't thinking straight. I'm also feeling pretty emotional, you know, being pregnant."
Kathryn got to her feet. "It's alright, B'Elanna. I understand. And don't apologize. You were right. It was all my fault. I knew there was a risk of Post Transportation Trauma but I let you go ahead and transport him anyway."
"But you didn't know he would be seriously injured. You didn't think he would suffer more than a headache. And I disregarded what the Doctor said too. If anyone's to blame, it's me. I was the one who convinced you both it was safe." She paused. "Chakotay's your friend just as much as he's mine. I know you must have been going through the same hell as I've been going through. I'm sorry if I made things worse."
"If it makes you feel better, then apology accepted. But you're not in any way to blame for what happened."
"I am, Captain. But thank you just the same." She paused. "I've just spent some time with him. The Doctor says he's going to be okay...in a physical sense...but his memory is all over the place, Captain. One moment he knew me and the next he didn't. The Doctor says he's suffering temporary confusion, but I don't know. If he has permanent brain damage, as the Doctor says he does, maybe he's got permanent anterograde amnesia." Tears welled in her eyes. "We may have lost the Chakotay we knew and loved forever."
"We can't think that," Kathryn said quietly. "We've got to be hopeful."
"I know. It's just so hard. And I've been thinking. Perhaps we can stop it all from happening."
"How do you mean?"
"The temporal transporter. I was thinking we could use it to send a letter to ourselves...to arrive a few minutes before we transported Chakotay to the Alpha Quadrant. We'd read it, and we wouldn't transport him. If we don't, then none of this will happen."
Kathryn broke away from B'Elanna and went over to the window. It was a good idea, one that would undoubtedly have worked if there was just the present at stake, but there wasn't just the present at stake. If they didn't transport Chakotay to the past, then the whole course of her life could be different. And if the course of her life changed, so too could the course of everyone's life on Voyager. Perhaps she would still end up as Captain of Voyager, but could she take that chance? Could she endanger the history of all their lives?
"It would be a violation of the temporal prime directive," she said at last, her argument sounding weak and heartless even to her own ears.
"To hell with the temporal prime directive," B'Elanna said, going over to her. "This is Chakotay's life we're talking about!"
Kathryn turned to her. "I know that, B'Elanna, but..."
"But nothing! We made a mistake, Captain, and Chakotay is the one who is suffering for it. If we do this, if we send ourselves a letter, we can rectify our mistake and Chakotay will be okay. No one need ever find out. We can tell ourselves to destroy the letter and it will be our secret."
"It's not as simple as that."
"Yes it is! We've messed up so we should put it right!"
Kathryn bit her lip. She knew how stubborn B'Elanna could be. If the half-Klingon was determined to do this, then she would do it without authorization. And, sure enough, B'Elanna's next words confirmed it.
"And I'll do this with or without your approval. I only told you because I thought you would want to be involved. But I should have known that your Starfleet principles and directives would be more important to you that anyone's life."
"That's out of line, Lieutenant..."
"No, it isn't. It's dead on the line! You care for ideals, principles, and agendas, not people!"
"If that was the case, then none of us would be here right now!" Kathryn argued. "I compromised the Prime Directive in order to save the Ocampa. By destroying that array, I interfered with the balance of power in this quadrant. But I did it to save an entire civilization. And, if I remember correctly, it was you who objected. You would have let all those people die just so we could get home sooner."
"And I was wrong. And I say that I was wrong. But if you could compromise the Prime Directive to save all those people, why not compromise the Temporal Prime Directive to save Chakotay?"
"Because there's more at stake here than what you think, B'Elanna." There was nothing else for it, she would have to tell B'Elanna the truth...at least part of it.
B'Elanna frowned. "What do you mean?"
"I can't give you details, but I know that if I don't tell you this, you will use that transporter behind my back. The coordinates I entered didn't send Chakotay to present Earth. They sent him to the past."
B'Elanna flinched. "I don't understand. Why would you send him to the past?"
"To preserve history. I can't tell you any more than that, but I know that we've been through too much together for you to doubt my sincerity or my reasons for not telling you. If we send ourselves a letter and Chakotay is not sent to the past, then I don't know what damage will be done to the timeline. Perhaps everything that we know will be different." She paused. "If it was just about the last three days, then I would gladly do what you suggest, and I commend you for thinking of it, but there's just too much at stake here. You have to believe me."
B'Elanna looked into her captain's eyes and saw only sincerity mingled with pain and regret. "I believe you, Captain. We'll forget about the letter."
"And you can't tell anyone, B'Elanna. This has to stay between us."
"You have my word, Captain." She paused. "What do you want me to say in my official report? I mean, if Chakotay was in the past and not the present, but they think he was in the present, it won't exactly look good for him if he didn't report to Starfleet Command in the whole time he was supposed to be on Earth. They could think he was trying to avoid answering for his Maquis activities."
"I hadn't thought of that." She paused. "I suppose it would raise less questions if we said Chakotay was only on Earth, in the present, for five minutes. I don't think we need to mention his changed appearance."
"Then that's what I'll say. What about the Doctor, though? He's very angry with us both. He might not co-operate."
"I'll speak to him, see if I can persuade him to bend the truth a little. I'll let you know what he says." She paused. "I would also like you to disable the temporal transporter and keep it contained within a high security forcefield. I don't want it to fall into the wrong hands. As much as I'd like to say I could trust everyone on this ship not to try and alter the past for their own benefit, I'm afraid it could be too tempting for some of our less 'scrupulous' members."
"I understand, Captain. I'll do it right away."
Kathryn smiled a tired smiled. "Thank you, B'Elanna...for everything."
B'Elanna looked at her captain sadly. "I really am sorry for what I said, Captain. I know how much you care for Chakotay."
Kathryn put her hand on B'Elanna's shoulder. "It's alright, B'Elanna. It's all forgotten."
Chakotay was nowhere to be seen when Kathryn returned to sickbay. The Doctor was alone, working busily at a console.
"Where's Chakotay?"
The Doctor looked up at her. "Captain," he said. "I didn't see you come in." He picked up a padd and stepped away from the console. "Seven of Nine has taken him on a tour of the ship. The Commander's memory has stabilized a lot over the past two hours and I felt a tour of the ship could prove beneficial. I was hoping you or B'Elanna would take him, seeing as you're the two people he's closest to, but Seven volunteered and the Commander was happy to have her as his guide."
The Doctor held out the padd to Kathryn and she took it. "What's this?"
"My official report of the incident. You'll be pleased to know that I've modified my initial report to exonerate you from blame in this incident. I still maintain it would not have happened if you and Lieutenant Torres had listened to my advice, but I don't believe it would do any good to say so. You're an excellent Captain and are devoted above and beyond the call of duty. And you're my friend. I know you would never have knowingly endangered the Commander's life. It wouldn't be fair to have this unfortunate incident blight your record and I think Chakotay would feel the same." He paused. "I've changed my account to say that I gave you permission to use the temporal transporter. I'm sure Starfleet Command will be more tolerant towards an oversight by an EMH than they would towards you."
"I appreciate the gesture," Kathryn replied. "But it wouldn't be right for you to take the blame for my mistake. I should have consulted you before I allowed B'Elanna to transport Chakotay." She paused. "In fact, I think we can leave you out of it altogether. B'Elanna and I will synchronize our reports to exclude you, and then all you have to do is modify your report to say that the first thing you knew of the transport was when we summoned you to the cargo bay and Chakotay was...you know...not alive."
The Doctor looked at her with sympathy. He knew how much she loved Chakotay. Over the past seven years, he and his tricorder had observed the way she always reacted to the Commander's presence. And that last sentence was just further testimony of her feelings. She had not been able to say "and Chakotay was dead."
"I'll modify my report as you say," he said kindly.
"Thank you, Doctor. It would also help if you didn't mention Chakotay had altered his appearance. He's the victim in all this, but as B'Elanna pointed out to me, it could look bad for him if Starfleet Command thought he had disguised himself for...untoward purposes."
"Understood, Captain."
He reached for his padd and Kathryn let him have it back. She then hesitated with the next words, the question being one she wasn't sure she wanted an answer too.
"Do you...Do you have any idea yet what Chakotay's long term prospects are?"
"In cases like this, only time will really tell. The Commander does have permanent brain damage, but it doesn't appear to be as severe as I first thought it would be. He appears to be suffering from both retrograde and anterograde amnesia, but the first is more severe than the latter. He has good knowledge of his childhood, his teenage years, and his early adulthood, but his ability to recall events deteriorates from his late thirties onwards. He's able to recall many events that have happened over the past ten years, but there are a lot of blanks. He doesn't remember much about Kes, for example, or about Unimatrix Zero."
"Will he regain those memories?" Kathryn asked quietly.
"Given the damage to his brain, it's unlikely he will ever recall everything that has happened to him over the past ten years. It's also unlikely he will ever remember what happened in the days or weeks prior to his injury. But it's never possible to tell for certain, and I'm confident that over the next few days, weeks and months, he is going to regain more and more memories. I don't believe any permanent blanks will be a problem for the Commander in the long-term, however. No one can remember every detail of their lives. The human brain is selective. I'm more concerned about the anterograde amnesia he's experiencing as it can be a serious handicap. But my suspicion, as I told you earlier, is that this is a temporary problem. The Commander may be prone to forgetfulness for the rest of his life, but if his condition continues to improve the way it has been, I see no reason why he can't continue to serve as First Officer on this ship."
For a moment, Kathryn made no reply. She was relieved that Chakotay's brain injury wasn't as severe as the Doctor had feared, but that relief did nothing to lift the heavy burden of guilt that was weighing on her shoulders. It was her fault he was suffering this way, all her fault. She had hoped he would remember everything that had happened between them, but now it seemed he never would. And that hurt deeply. It hurt her own heart, and it hurt on behalf of his.
But, if Chakotay was going to be the same Chakotay she had always known and loved, then perhaps it was for the best that he didn't remember everything that had happened...as painful as that was. For seven years their positions had been an insuperable barrier to a relationship, and that barrier wouldn't suddenly dissolve because they had been involved in a distant past. Perhaps fate was being kind in being cruel. If Chakotay had remembered everything that had happened between them, then it would be very hard for him to go back to the way things had been. It would have been hard for both of them.
For seven years she had managed to keep a distance between them, and it had been incredibly difficult. There had been times when her resolve had weakened, especially on dark lonely nights. But she had managed to do it for her crew; out of a sense of faithfulness to Mark in the early years; and finally to preserve history. Her Chakotay of so long ago had made it very clear that they were not involved in the future. Therefore, to have had a relationship with this Chakotay, if he was her Chakotay, would have changed history. Chakotay having no recollection of what had happened between them would make things easier for him. She alone would be the one to struggle, and she was very good at suppressing her feelings - she had suppressed them for most of her life.
As hard as it was going to be, the most important thing was that Chakotay was going to be okay. If he had been lost to them forever, either from death or injuries that were too severe to ever heal, then she didn't know how she would have coped with the pain and the overwhelming guilt. But he was going to live and he was, most likely, going to be the same Chakotay he had always been. That was all that mattered.
"That's great news," Kathryn said at last. "Great news."
END OF CHAPTER TWENTY TWO