Hello everyone! A shorter chapter this time because my mum's computer can't run on battery, it needs a charging lead in all the time, and basically the charging lead broke on Monday. x3 We ordered a new one but it didn't come until Friday night...stupid Royal Mail! I'm still quite proud of the amount I've managed to get done, though ^^;

Chapter Twelve: Glub

"Glub."

"Glub."

"Glub."

"WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT!" Vaati yelled over to Shadow, who seemed to be making the annoying noises just to see his master's eye tic slowly develop.

The boy grinned, making swimming motions with his arms as Ganondorf tested the water cautiously.

"Vaati..." the King of Evil muttered. "I don't get it. I can see myself in this stuff!"

"You're supposed to, Master."

"But I can see you next to me as well!"

"That's because I'm next to you."

Ganondorf's head whipped round, to see Vaati standing next to him looking down into the cold, clear water. Vaati, Shadow and Ganondorf were stood at the edge of Lake Hylia, a vast round expanse of water which was said to house the Worst Temple In Gaming (TM). Ocarina of Time's Water Temple. Ghirahim, of course, had gone to drastic measures to prevent any so-called heroes from reaching these pendants and had hidden them in locations which anyone in the Zelda universe, virtual or real- life, had tried to erase from their memories and, indeed, history. However, the author, having had many unpleasant experiences in this temple, wishes to bring it to the forefront of the readers' minds and remind them just how terrible it was.

"Shouldn't we have some kind of breathing apparatus?" Vaati asked. "No matter whether we're evil villains or not-" Ganondorf shut his mouth "-we can't breathe for long."

"Indeed you can't! IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALOOOOOOOOOONNNEEEEEEEEEE!" came a voice. Shadow Link froze.

Vaati whipped around. "We're not alone! What the heck!? Who's there?"

Old Man from a couple of previous chapters made a well- timed exit from the water, stepping out of the lake apparently dry save for his beard, which he proceeded to grab and shake viciously over the three.

"You need scuba gear!" he exclaimed, pulling what seemed like an oxygen tank out from behind his back. All this time he had been looking steadily at Shadow Link, and it was only now that his eyes began to scan over the boy's two masters as well. His shoulders slumped and he looked at the tank disdainfully.

"You ARE going alone, right?" he asked hopefully. Shadow shook his head.

"But I'LL take the scuba gear!" Ganondorf said cheerfully, and snatched it neatly out of Old Man's hands. He put the oxygen pipe in his mouth and began to descend into the water.

"What the [CENSORED]!? I'm coming too!" Shadow yelled, and splashed into the water behind his master. Old Man hitched up his robes and ran behind him.

"Wait!" he yelled. "I have even more wares for you, young man! Do you fancy a genuine, authentic Master Sword?" He pulled out a walking stick painted purple on the bottom end. "Look! The Blade of Evil's Bane itself!"

He was ignored as Vaati pushed past him. The mage had quickly realised that this was the dodgy guy who had sold Shadow the cake, the necklaces, and the bubble wand. He very much doubted Ganondorf's scuba gear was as described. Not that he was going to save him or anything... in fact, he found himself wondering whether to fill the oxygen tank with cyanide for the heck of it.

Ganondorf was now taking confident, bouncy strides along the sloping floor of the lake. The scuba gear, which seemed to be functioning correctly, was blowing large bubbles into Shadow's face. They would pop rather violently, and Vaati was amused to see Shadow constantly open his mouth to swear and remember he had no oxygen.

"Here, take this swear bag!" came Old Man's voice, distorted by the water. Vaati saw a hand holding a soggy paper bag extend past him and poke Shadow in the back. "Put it over your mouth, swear, and your words will come out clear as day!"

Obviously, Shadow believed it. That is why, while Ganondorf proceeded to work out how to break into the sealed Water Temple, Vaati had to drag his drowning creation up to the surface of the water and give him CPR against a rock face.

"Not you again." said the rock. "You're on my face!"

"Shut up. That joke is getting old." Vaati snapped back.

Meanwhile, Ganondorf had not yet worked out how to unlock the elusive temple. The method used to unlock it in Ocarina of Time is very simple, however the author does not have the time nor inclination to describe it as it requires a hookshot-

"Hey, Old Man, you got a hookshot?" the author asked.

Old Man searched his seemingly bottomless pockets. He proudly pulled out a rusty nail attatched to a spring. "Of course I have!"

The author typed a couple of lines into her computer and a key dropped down in front of Ganondorf. A lock appeared on the gates, which barred outsiders from entering the temple, before him. "Come on Ganny..." she whispered. "You can do it!"

He couldn't.

He picked up the key and picked his nose with it for a while, trying to fit his finger into the lock. He took the oxygen pipe out of his mouth to see if he could see the air coming out of it- to his disappointment he couldn't, but this was soon alleviated when he discovered that the pipe was just wide enough to house the key.

"I know!" he announced. "I'll have to keep the key safe in case we need it! Here we go!"

He dropped the key down the pipe.

The scene that Vaati and Shadow returned to, after the latter had just had his life saved, was not pretty. The key had completely blocked up the pipe and Ganon was choking slowly to death.

"We can't drag him up!" Shadow exclaimed. "Not even with our combined manpower...Give him mouth-to-mouth, Vaaters!"

"DON'T CALL ME VAATERS." came the hissed reply. "Hey...wait...how are we even talking underwater?"

"'Cause the author said so."

"...Stupid girl."

Needless to say, Vaati did not give Ganondorf mouth- to- mouth but quickly worked out how to unlock the temple. The lock detached and dropped to the floor almost as soon as he had physically ripped out one of his own nails and used it to lockpick, and he pulled the gates open using sheer force against the strength of the water. This would require a lot of manpower above the water, as all gates in Zelda tend to follow the medieval "old and rusty" stereotype, but it took even more effort in the depths of Lake Hylia. Never had the fact "Water is 700 times denser than air" weighed heavily on Vaati's mind, and he wondered reluctantly what was to follow. Ganondorf wasn't good for much, but his feats of inhuman strength made him useful in certain situations. It was only now that he began to consider the benefits to his dull master.

The gates opened to reveal a narrow passageway, big enough for only one person to swim through at a time, filled with water. Resigning himself to the fact that the scuba gear was now blocked up completely and he could only hold his breath for so long, he grabbed Ganondorf by the hair and pulled him through. Shadow kicked frantically behind him, trying to push.

They finally emerged onto a platform which was not covered by water, but instead suspended in the air. Vaati collapsed and took long, deep breaths, and Shadow promptly spat a ton of water into his face.

While Vaati tried to restrain his own hands from strangling the insolent boy (and Ganondorf slowly came around, much to everyone's despair- does the guy never die!?) there was a stirring in the very heart of the temple. It was undetectable, and could not be felt by humans, but it was nevertheless there. The platform the three villains were on was connected to many other platforms, all above the water, however a complicated system of doors and levers could lower and raise the water level for access. It was this platform that the cause of the motion was directly underneath, lurking in the depths of the temple.

The author gave up on trying to describe the interior of Ocarina of Time's Water Temple and instead urges her readers to look it up, or play the game, or something.

"There's a door over there!" Shadow whooped, pointing to a large door with ornate designs on. "Shall we open it?"

"It's locked, Shadow."

"You [CENSORED] managed to unlock the main gate to this [CENSORED]hole! An' I'm not waitin' around to get some [CENSORED] keys! GO!" Shadow yelled, suddenly losing his temper and attempting to wrestle Vaati off the platform. Ganondorf lay on the floor, having just come round from a very good dream about destroying the world and sitting on a throne made entirely of souls, and considered whether he should help Shadow. Then again, he didn't like either of his minions. It was a hard decision.

Ghirahim's voice echoed around the temple. "I'm not waiting forever, you know!"

"Forever!? For what, for Vaati to DIE!?" Shadow hissed.

"Nooooooooo. For you to finally face me in battle!"

"It's only Chapter [CENSORED] 12!"

"Well, HURRY UP! Honestly, I'm sick of waiting!"

Ganondorf looked up to the ceiling in terror, clutching his scuba gear as if in protection. "Huh? Ghirahim's in the room? I'm gonna poo my pants!"

"I'm not in the room, Ganondorf... I'm either speaking to you from a distant location through some mysterious medium, like every single Zelda villain has done at a convenient time, or I'm hiding in your scuba gear."

The scuba gear was thrown a long distance, smashing against the opposite wall of the large and circular main room. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HE'S GONNA KILL US ALL!" Ganondorf wailed. "I'M GONNA DIE AND I'M NOT EVEN 30!"

The author consulted Hyrule Historia. "I'm pretty sure you're ageless, Ganny..."

"This chapter is way too long. In fact, I think I'll just end it now." snapped Vaati, performing a complicated magical spell that led to the author's computer crashing horrifically. Blue Screens of Death abounded left, right and centre. "I did say I would do a better job of writing the story!"

The author gritted her teeth. "You can't do tha-"

Swamp Dragon Princess: You got a PM! No Darky yet...I'm prepared to bet you were expecting him in this chapter... but don't worry, I know what I've got planned for him now... it may take a while though ;)

WraithHeart: Yeah, I agree... Ganny, that was a terrible comparison. You're fired. *shoots him* Ohhh yeah, Vaati's the butt monkey throughout this story, and if any big nasty monsters come along you can guess who's going to be the appetiser. I think Shadow would actually be quite glad to see Vaati being eaten, until he realised he would have to do the rest of the quest with Ganondorf of course . Wah ha ha ha haaaa! xD That "toilet humour" sentence made me laugh so much xD You certainly have a way with words! DAAAAAAMMMMNNNNNNNN! I've just realised I'd better get out of your way! Um, um, um *looks around frantically* what random innocent civilian could I hide behind!? *steps back*... ...

WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THE INNOCENT CIVILIANS O.O