Chapter 13: Where Is Ganny?
It was not long before the author managed to wrest control back from her characters, having become increasinly annoyed at the amount of her spare time this story was taking up to write and vowing to get it finished as soon as poss-
"HELP! HELP! I'VE JUST FALLEN IN THE WATER!" came a girly shriek.
"We can see that, Master." Shadow droned, kneeling on the edge of the platform and watching as his podgy master began to sink. It was obvious that Ganondorf had never taken or attempted to take swimming lessons, and had never made any attempt at the sport either. The scuba gear was proving pretty ineffective, which was quite understandable when the events of last chapter were taken into account.
"THERE ARE SPIKES DOWN HERE!" came the scream again, before Ganondorf's voice became just a series of noisy glubs.
"Spikes!" announced Shadow. "Well, I'm not [CENSORED] saving y-"
There was a splash. Vaati had jumped in the water.
"Noooooo! We can't have a suicide this early into the story!" the boy wailed, flinging himself into the water after his master. "[CENSORED] hell, Vaati!"
"I'm not committing suicide, you jerk!" the mage hissed. The author and her readers paused to consider how the characters could still talk coherently underwater, a point which may or may not have already been considered in the previous chapter. The author regrets deleting all posted chapters off her computer because she cannot recall at all the previous events of the story.
Vaati stopped with a deadpan look on his face. "Can I continue now? You were going into a kind of second- person monologue there."
"Yes, of course." came the droll reply.
"Why thank you. Anyway, Shadow, you must use Zelda logic here; if there are spikes, they are obviously protecting something valuable! We should at least go down and investigate."
"And learn how to breathe underwater." Shadow offered, looking directly in front of him where there was a gradually depleting bar with a timer under it, reading 0:45... 0:44... 0:43...
There was no reply from Vaati, who was hovering just above the spikes and looking confused. Ganondorf, usually the easiest out of the three to notice because of his considerable bulk, was nowhere to be seen. The timer continued to count down, and Shadow Link found himself beginning to worry about what would happen if they were going to drown.
Well, obviously, we'd die... he thought, but what if Ganondorf is still alive and he finds us dead? He'd...he'd...he wouldn't pay our funeral costs, that's for sure!
Vaati was now frantically feeling the walls, listening for the sounds of scuba gear or watching for the telltale signs of Ganny's "clumsiness"- i.e huge holes in the floor, bricks knocked out of the walls, spikes flattened where he had landed on them. There was absolutely no sign of the man, and he was getting increasingly worried.
There was a small passageway leading into one of the walls that was barely noticeable and surrounding with spikes. The water flew through it in a fast- flowing stream. Shadow stared at it, feeling his eyes beginning to burn from staying open in what was probably highly polluted water, and was vividly reminded of a trip he had been on with Vaati and Ganondorf. The King of Evil, in all his wisdom, had decided to give himself a reward for the dark side's many successful attacks on Link and his comrades, leaving generations of green- hatted heroes lying dead on screens all over the land throughout 25 years. Of course, Vaati was responsible for co-ordinating the attacks, but Ganondorf took all the credit because he had apparently employed the mage. (Vaati had no such recollection, except for a strong- smelling white rag being clamped around his mouth and nose one day. The next thing he knew, he was trapped in the dark side's HQ for life).
This reward had been a trip to Zora River, a winding stream that eventually lead to Lake Hylia. Ganondorf had stripped down to a tiny mankini and proceeded to go for a float down the river, expecting Shadow and Vaati to run alongside with platters of food to "keep up his energy". To cut a long story short, Ganondorf had got stuck between two (widely spaced) rocks and it had required a tag team of 20 Zoras to push him out.
He found himself chuckling at the memory, and decided to go for a little swim down this passageway. Vaati had apparently been thinking the same thing, although luckily he seemed to have wiped the memory of Ganondorf's little jaunt down the river from his mind.
The passageway was dark, and the water took them along in a clean line down the middle. One could just about see the floor, littered with detritus and...what seemed like bones, swirling around gently in the current.
"Phalanges!" Vaati exclaimed, swimming down and picking a bone up. "Shadow, do you want a crash course in the anatomy of the hand?"
One look from his minion revealed the answer.
They swam on in a cold silence, that was until they found a dark mass huddled at the bottom of the passageway.
DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Shadow's head whipped around. "Where the hell did that dramatic refrain come from!?"
Vaati lowered a trumpet. "Sorry. Couldn't help myself."
They examined the mass, fearing the worst (or the best, depending which way you think about it). Shadow put a cautious hand out to touch it, blissfully wondering how much Ganondorf's expensive armour would make at auction. He touched something smooth and metallic.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" he screamed. "We've made it, Vaaters! We've struck it rich!"
"Have we!?" Vaati exclaimed.
"Yeah! This is Ganondorf's [CENSORED] dead body with all his armour on! We can sell this [CENSORED] for such a load of [CENSORED] moolah that we'll never have to work again!"
"Are you serious!? Holy phalanges!" Vaati even allowed himself a substitute swear word in pure glee. He felt his heart burst at the prospect of finally being free, of being able to return to his Palace of Winds and never have to spend another day in that stuffy HQ again, or who knows? Maybe he could stay and take over the dark side... everyone had always said he would be a better leader than Ganondorf, although maybe that was faint praise. But seriously, he thought, they could do with some brains running that place. And I could get a bit of money from this armour to perhaps do it up a little...bribe some of the good side...
He reached out to remove the armour and all his hopes and dreams sank. (Quite understandable, as they were underwater at the time. Trololololol).
Shadow had realised the truth at the same time. "It's just..."
"...his scuba gear." Vaati finished.
Neither of them stopped to think about what may have happened to their master. They allowed themselves to be carried along with the current, dragging the scuba gear with them in a depressed funk. They removed the key and were just glad to have oxygen, even though most of the supply had been used up. They came to the end of the tunnel not soon after, and emerged onto dry land. They were still in the temple, of course, and in fact seemed to have travelled deeper into the heart of the immense structure. If one were to guess that they were now underneath Lake Hylia, they probably wouldn't be wrong. They were standing on a platform, one that had previously been concealed by a wall that had been blown open by what seemed like a particularly vicious bomb. The three remaining walls and a roof enclosed it, and the water lapping at its sides made it seem quite peaceful. There was a lever in the middle that Shadow pulled before Vaati even had a chance to stop him.
The water level rose quickly and above the room, flooding them in again.
"Shadow, you idiot!" Vaati yelled, swimming frantically upwards.
"Well, what else was I supposed to do! Usually, when you see a lever, common sense says that you [CENSORED] pull the thing!"
"You didn't even know what it would do, Shadow! If you saw a big red button saying "PRESS HERE FOR NUCLEAR BOMB", would you press it!?"
"We're talking about [CENSORED] levers here, you blockhead! Not buttons! Hylia's knickers!"
"SHADOW! No blasphemy!"
"Oh for Din's sake!"
"Anyway, referring to my previous point, would you press that button?"
"'Course I would! If there's a button, I press it! If there's a lever, I pull it! There!"
Vaati was silent. "... I'm never letting you into my science lab, then."
"What, your one on Minecraft?"
"SHUT UP AND SWIM!"
They surfaced once again on a dry platform, this time totally lever- free. It led off into the distance, and one could just about see what looked like a loudspeaker in the wall.
"BOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Right on cue, the loudspeaker exploded into life. Shadow screamed, leaping into Vaati and nearly pulling his cloak off in an attempt to scramble under it. The mage, super-cool as per usual, rolled his eyes and kicked him out again.
The speaker's voice was not one they recognised; it was smooth and calm with a hint of disdain. "Shut up, Ghirahim, and let me do the talking."
"But- but-" the two villains recognised their former servant's voice, before the sound of a slap was heard and it descended into whimpering.
"Who are you?" Vaati called out.
"Well, that would spoil the fun, wouldn't it~?" came the reply. "Let's just say I'm someone you know...not that well, but we've met. Anyway, I haven't welcomed you yet, have I?"
"We've had enough of a [CENSORED] welcome, thanks." muttered Shadow, doing an armpit fart.
"Oh, is that so. I won't keep you, then! However, I advise you to proceed down the corridor quickly. It's quite dangerous here, you know!... especially for novices like you."
"NOVICES!?" Vaati flared up at once. He had always had a large ego, and this was immediately bruised by the mild insult. "How about you come down here and insult us to our faces, instead of hiding behind a loudspeaker?"
"We'll meet soon enough, don't you worry. And as for this "insult" you speak of, it wasn't intended to be offensive. The truth can be painful, of course, but I would have thought that someone as level- headed as you would know this. And I've faced better fighters than you. Much better."
Vaati stiffened. "Well, bully for you." he said with undisguised indignation. "You don't mention whether you defeated them though... I'm assuming you haven't?"
Without waiting for a reply, he turned and stalked down the corridor. "Come on, Shadow."
"It's a [CENSORED] trap, isn't it? Why is this guy-" he pointed at the loudspeaker- "telling us to go down the corridor when he obviously hates our guts?"
"That's a bit of an overreaction." came the smooth voice. "And I intend for you to live, of course... I just want to have a little fun with you first. There's no good in fighting corpses."
There was a click from an unseen mechanism behind them and the unmistakeable rush of water became loud in their ears. Instinctively, they whipped round to see a violent flood ripping towards them, sloshing from side to side with such force that the walls on either side were shattered, falling into rubble and being sucked up into the swirling middle of the tsunami. In a horrifying twist, ReDeads could also be seen in the water, but the fact that they were wearing naff 1960s bathing costumes kind of reduced the scary effect a little.
Shadow and Vaati turned and ran.
-
Aaaah... guys, do you think there's too much dialogue in this story? Because honestly, I find myself writing a lot more conversations than I probably should...and while I enjoy writing them, I don't know whether they break up the flow too much!
Swamp Dragon Princess: That was a looooong review xD You got a PM! I've just been reading My Inner Life now... the writing isn't too bad actually, but the main character even puts Mary Sues to shame tbh...
WraithHeart: Yeah... mostly disturbing. I don't know how the guy fits into it tbh...
Ghirahim: EXCUSE ME! I do what I want! I don't need lowly reviewers to order me around!
Oh, shut up, Ghira.
Waaaait... smoking skeletons!? Hahaaaaa! Now I see my chance!
*climbs onto shoulders of nearest skeleton* Wahahahahahaaaaaaaa! You have no escape now, WraithHeart! Charge, my beautiful army, CHARGE! You await the next chapter? You await your DEATH!
Ghirahim: Who said they were killer skeletons?
MEEEE! I did! NOTHING can stop me now!