Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.

Way The Wind Blows

Chapter Twenty Four

Raylar's Bar was unusually quiet for a Thursday night. Seated at the bar, dressed in a black jacket over beige pants, Chakotay ate salted peanuts and supped on a beer.

"If it isn't the Delta Quadrant hero..."

Chakotay turned in the direction of the voice and saw Mel standing beside him. Her black hair was as long and curly as ever, and she was dressed in white pants, a low cut shimmering blue top, and had large silver hoops dangling from her ears.

"Mel," Chakotay smiled. "Good to see you."

"You too. It's been what, fifteen years?"

"Something like that. But you don't look a day older." He gestured to the stool. ""Join me?"

"Try and keep me away." She climbed onto the high stool. "What brings you here, though? It wouldn't be me, by any chance, would it?"

Chakotay laughed. "Of course, Mel. That's it." He then sobered. "No, I'm just checking out my old haunts." He looked around. "Not much has changed."

"Never does around here." She turned to the bartender. "Hey, Lez. Give us a lager over here."

"So," Chakotay continued, "how are you? What are you up to these days?"

"Same old, same old. Just finished with 'no 8' and this time I swear I'm not getting hitched again."

Chakotay laughed softly. "It's your taste, Mel. It was always terrible."

"Well, you know what they say, takes one to know one."

"I won't argue with that."

"Last thing I heard you were knocking around with that Borg chick. That still happening?"

"No," Chakotay replied, taking a sip of his beer. "It's over. Probably should never have started."

The bartender put a pint of lager before Mel and she took it gratefully. "Ta, Lez." She then took a sip and addressed Chakotay again. "So, what are your plans now you're home?"

"I'm hoping I can get a teaching post at Starfleet Academy. I don't want to go back into space."

"I don't blame you. It can't have been much fun stuck on that ship day in and day out."

"It wasn't all bad. There were some good times. But, in general, it was a kind of lonely life."

"Not many women to take to the sack, eh?"

Chakotay laughed. "You could say that."

"Tell me, what's the goss on Janeway? I saw some interview on FNBC with that EMH guy. God, isn't he up himself? He said Janeway denied herself intimacy for the sake of the crew. Is he for real?"

"It's true," Chakotay replied. "At least as far as I know. I can't remember everything that happened. I suffered a serious head-injury in a transporter incident a few months ago and I've lost a lot of memories. I have bits and pieces, but I just can't get them to form a whole. It's hard. I don't really know who I am anymore. Every time I think I do, a memory returns to me and makes me question myself."

"You seem the same old Chakotay to me," she said kindly. "Well, maybe a little more tame, even if you do have a tattoo." She got to her feet and fluffed out her bushy black hair. "But that can be remedied. What do you say? We're both free agents. How about we head back to my place for some wild action?"

"No," Chakotay replied. "But thank you."

"Come on," Mel urged. "I've always fancied you and all men fancy me."

Chakotay laughed. "Always fancied me? I don't think so."

"But I have. From the moment you walked in here. But I knew I never stood a chance. You liked 'em smart and red and...well, I ain't going red for no one."

Chakotay laughed again but then looked at Mel sadly. He'd known her long enough to know that she was serious.

"But don't you be feeling bad," Mel said. "I'm not saying I was Juliet for you, know what I mean? I could live without you just fine."

"I'm sure you could."

Gently, she put her hand on his. "But it sure would be nice to have you around for a while."

At her words, and her tender touch, Chakotay smiled. It felt so good to be wanted, to be cared for, to feel like he belonged. He didn't feel like he belonged anywhere.

"Then maybe I'll stay around for a while."

Mel smiled now, squeezed his hand, and then kissed his lips softly, sensually.

"So what do you say?" she said, finally drawing away. "Shall we go to my place?"

Chakotay hesitated, but then nodded.

"Great," Mel beamed. "I'll go get my jacket."

When she was gone, Chakotay turned to his right and an image unexpectedly flashed before him. He saw a young woman with long auburn hair clipped back from her face standing beside him. She was looking at him with all too familiar eyes and spoke with an all too familiar voice. "Hi... I'm Kathryn..."

Then the image and the voice was gone.

Chakotay stared at the place where she had stood. This was the second time in a week he had seen a younger Kathryn in his mind. But he and Kathryn had only met seven years ago. They couldn't be memories. Kathryn had never mentioned coming to this bar and, given it was in Mexico, it was unlikely she ever had. What he was experiencing was just...He didn't know what he was experiencing. It was so hard to tell what was real any more. Mel returned, a leather jacket over her arm. "Okay. I'm all set..."

Chakotay then got to his feet and they left.

Frothy waves lapped a moonlit beach. With a glass of wine in his hand, Chakotay stood on a high balcony and looked out at the Floridian shore. It was a beautiful sight, so natural and peaceful. The tranquil scene should have been enough to soothe a restless soul, but Chakotay didn't feel at peace. For some reason, Kathryn kept coming into his mind, and every time he thought of her, he felt a profound ache in his heart.

Glass doors leading onto the balcony slid open, and Mel appeared, wearing a red satin dressing gown with black lace trims.

"Pretty, ain't it?"

"Very."

Mel stood beside him and lent against the balcony. "But it don't look like you're appreciating the beauty. What's the matter? Do you regret coming here?"

"No," he replied, "I..." But he couldn't lie. "I don't know," he said honestly. "My life it's...it's complicated. Especially now that we're home. On Voyager things were simpler. I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted. But since we got back it's all been different. I'm seeing things, feeling things, that I can't identify or explain."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Feelings for someone, maybe, a need of someone. But it doesn't make any sense." He paused. "Do you think you could love someone and then forget that you do?"

"Don't ask me about love, darlin'," Mel said sadly. "I can only give you the screwed up version...in every sense of the word."

"Can't say I know much about it myself," Chakotay said sadly. "I don't know. I'm thinking, maybe, I loved someone. But I'm probably just being crazy. She would never have looked at a man like me. But when I think of her, I feel...I don't know." He paused. "I never felt this way until the welcome home party. Before then she was just...But my head is so mixed up right now. I don't know what I'm thinking, who I am."

"You, Chakotay. That's who you are." She took the wine from his hand, put it down, and slipped her arms around him. "And enough of this seriousness. Life's too short." She began to kiss his neck. "Let's have some fun."

Chakotay closed his eyes at her sensual kisses, but as he did so, Kathryn's face fell before him again. He could see her so clearly...she was close, touching him...getting closer... And with the images came those feelings again...love, longing, pain. Then the pictures and the feelings were gone, only the haunting memory of them remaining.

"I'm sorry," Chakotay said, breaking away from Mel. "I can't. It doesn't feel right."

"Sure it does. You just need some warming up. Let me..."

"No," he answered firmly. "I'm sorry. "

Mel sighed, but backed away. "No skin off my nose. Plenty more fish in the sea." She then began to tie the belt on her dressing gown. "But you won't run away like a scardy cat, will you? At least stay for a bit. We've got a lot of catching up to do."

"I don't know, Mel," Chakotay said. "I..."

"Oh come on. I don't bite where I'm not wanted. I promise."

At that, Chakotay smiled. "Ok," he said. "I'll stay for a bit."

Mel smiled back. "Good. I'm glad that's settled."

A full pearly moon bathed Kathryn's childhood bedroom in a silver light. The room was just as Kathryn remembered it...every ornament, every picture, every book. Time had stood still here. In the familiar surrounding of yesteryear, Kathryn lay on her bed in a blue negligee, and gazed at the images of herself and Chakotay inside her precious locket. In her mind, she could see Chakotay standing before her, looking so distinguished and handsome in his Victorian evening suit, and she could see herself fastening a bunch of "Forget-me-nots" to his coat. There was such a painful irony to that now.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and Kathryn put her locket down on her lap. "Come in."

The door opened and her Aunt Martha stepped into the room. She was a tall, well-built, and very smart woman who took much pride in her appearance. Her short silver hair was swept back elegantly from her face and she was wearing a pretty blue skirt, a matching cardigan, and a cream blouse. In her hands she held a wooden tray, and on the tray there was a plate of brownies and a delicate floral cup which had steam puffing out of it. The very family orientated woman had never taken to living on her own, so had moved in with her sister-in-law three years ago, and had come to regard this house as her home.

"Your mother and I have hot chocolate and brownies every night at this time. I thought I'd bring you some too."

"That was very thoughtful of you, thank you."

Aunt Martha put the tray down on Kathryn's bedside table. "Shall I leave them here?"

"Please," Kathryn replied. "And I have to say, the brownies smell delicious."

"Homemade," her aunt said proudly. "And fresh today."

Kathryn reached for a brownie and then took a bite. "Wonderful."

Aunt Martha smiled, but then looked at her niece in concern. "Far be it for me to pry into your business, darling, but is all well?"

Kathryn looked up at her. "How do you mean?"

"You've been very quiet since you got here and have kept mostly to this room. I know it must be overwhelming to be home after all these years, but I can't help but wonder if there's something else wrong. You seem a little disheartened."

"Everything's fine," Kathryn lied. "More than fine. I got my crew home and I couldn't ask for things to be better than that."

Aunt Martha sat on the edge of her bed. "I'm not talking about the captain," she said kindly, "I'm talking about my Kathryn." She paused. "I know your mother buries her head in the sand so she doesn't have to face what she doesn't want to see, but I'm not her. You can talk to me, darling. Whatever you're thinking, whatever you're feeling, you can tell me."

"Thank you, Aunt Martha. But I'm fine, really. I've spent a lot of time up here as I've had a lot of mail to read and I've been going through the box of things Mom saved from my house." After a year of waiting for her to return, her mother and Mark had finally given up and begun the difficult task of clearing her house. Most of her furniture had been recycled or given away, but her mother had collected some personal belongings and stored them in a box. "And, it's like you said...I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by all that's happened. I've been the captain for so long that it's going to take time to get used to being Kathryn again."

"I can understand that," Aunt Martha replied. "But would I be right in thinking that all is not well with your heart right now?"

Kathryn flinched. "How do you mean?"

"I saw the way you were looking at that handsome First Officer of yours at the banquet."

Kathryn shifted uncomfortably. "I don't know what you mean."

"I think you do, Kathryn. You're in love with him, aren't you?"

Kathryn picked up her cup of hot chocolate. "He was my First Officer, that's all. Our relationship was strictly professional."

Aunt Martha reached out and put her hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "This is me you're talking to, darling. I've known you since you were a little girl. I know that you're unhappy. And I would be unhappy too if the man I loved was seeing someone else."

Kathryn was silent for a long moment, and then spoke. "You're right," she said quietly. "I do love him. But it was an impossible situation on Voyager because of our positions and it's an impossible situation now."

"You were a long way from home, Kathryn. I think everyone would have understood if you'd got involved with someone. You could have been out there for the rest of your life. That's a long time to live without an intimate relationship...in every sense."

"Maybe, but I've lived without an intimate relationship for most of my life. And I'll be living the rest of my life without intimacy so I guess these years have been good grounding."

Aunt Martha looked at her sadly. "One of these days you'll meet someone and it will all just be right."

"Not for me," Kathryn replied. "I'm never getting involved with anyone again. It's true what they say, love hurts. Every man I've ever loved, I've hurt in some way. Justin died because he loved me, Mark was left devastated because he loved me, and Chakotay...let's just say I hurt him in more ways than one."

"You mustn't think like that, Kathryn. You were in no way responsible for what happened with Justin or with Mark. I can't imagine what it was like for you, losing your father and fiancé the way you did, but none of it was your fault."

"Perhaps, but Justin's life would still have been better if he had never met me... at least he would still have a life."

"You don't know that. I believe that if our time is up, then it is, regardless of who we're with or what we're doing. I only ever met Justin that one time you and he came to dinner, but he told me then that you were the best thing to have ever happened to him."

Kathryn looked up at her. "He said that?"

Martha nodded. "I sat with him in the garden while your uncle showed you some Victorian antiques we'd just acquired, and he was awfully quiet. I was worried that he was having second thoughts about marrying you, and being the busy body that I am, I couldn't help but ask. He said that he had no doubts about his feelings for you, but that he had a lot of doubts about whether he was the right man for you. He said he wasn't like other men, that he had a lot of issues from his past to deal with, and that he didn't know if he could ever adequately show you all the love he felt for you. He felt that you needed a man who was more open and affectionate."

Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes. "I had no idea he felt that way."

"I told him that all he had to worry about was whether or not he loved you. If he did, then with time and determination, everything else would take care of itself. He said he loved you more than anything and that you were the best thing to have ever happened to him." She paused. "You're a remarkable woman, Kathryn, and you have a lot of love in your heart. Don't be afraid to share it again."

Kathryn said nothing. She knew her aunt meant well, but she just didn't understand. It was too hard to love only to lose all the time. It was better not to love, was better to just be alone...

Aunt Martha's eyes fell on the locket lying forgotten on Kathryn's lap. "That's a pretty locket."

Kathryn's eyes registered the locket and she picked it up. "Yes." Not wanting questions asked, she hastily put it down on her bedside table.

"Was it given to you by someone special?"

"I can't remember," she said, turning back to her aunt. She hated to lie, but she wasn't comfortable in sharing the truth. "I think I got it when I was staying at your cabin."

"If that's the case, it must be quite old. No one's been to the cabin in over ten years." She sighed. "I dread to think what condition it's in now."

"Why doesn't anyone go there anymore? We always had to fight for time there in the past."

"You know how it is. People get bored of going to the same place. Jason and his wife have their own vacation home in Europe, and Frank and his wife haven't been there since their children left home. My friend, Selene, prefers what she calls a less "demanding" environment now that she's advancing in years, and your sister hasn't been there since she got married. There's no one else to go there, really, except your mother, and she doesn't want to go there alone. We thought of going a couple of years ago, but I've only been back there twice since Bill died and both times were a little overwhelming for me. In the end we decided to go to Germany." She paused and fiddled with the band of gold on her left hand. "I should pass the cabin on to someone who would appreciate it, but it was such a special place to Bill that I can't quite bring myself to let it go." She then looked up at Kathryn. "You were always quite fond of the place. Why don't you have it?"

"That's very kind of you," Kathryn replied. "But there's a lot of memories for me there. Good ones, but painful aswell, if you know what I mean. I just don't think I would make any use of it."

"I understand," Aunt Martha said, trying to conceal her disappointment. "I have bittersweet memories of time spent there too. Bill and I had such good times there that it hurts to remember them. I miss him so much, even now." She paused. "I really should do something with the place, though. It meant such a lot to Bill and he'd hate for it to fall into decay and disuse. I'll talk to my son about finding a new owner."

As much as it hurt Kathryn to think of staying in the cabin, it hurt even more to think of the cabin passing out of her family. It occupied a very special place in her heart, and someday she might want to stay there again.

"I'll take it," Kathryn offered. "I'm not sure how often I'll use it, but I'd hate to see it fall out of the family."

Aunt Martha's eyes lit up. "It would be a huge weight off my shoulders, but are you sure, darling?"

"Absolutely." Kathryn put down her now empty cup. "How about we go into town tomorrow and change ownership to me? It shouldn't take more than twenty minutes. Then I'll go to the cabin and see what needs to be done."

"That would be great." Aunt Martha then laughed softly. "You sure do grab the bull by the horns."

Kathryn smiled. "That's what comes of being a Delta Quadrant captain too long."

Aunt Martha got to her feet. "I'll go and tell your mother the happy news." She then opened her arms to Kathryn. "But before I do, come here and give your old Aunt Martha a hug."

Kathryn gladly obliged and her aunt embraced her warmly.

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR