AN: SO I CANT REMEMBER THE EXACT ORDER OF EVENTS BUT I THINK THAT IT'S MILITARY SCHOOL, AUNT MARION'S DINNER PARTY, AUNT MARION'S DEATH, MILITARY SCHOOL, THORN INDUSTRIES
The car pulled up outside of the military school. Jamarcus cried in adoration of the school. Damien was really impressed with his black coat though. It was a really nice coat. Even though he thought that brown looked better on him than black. A few minutes later the school decided to kick off the new year with an impromptu cheer routine.
The cheer routine, unfortunately, involved trumpets which caused Jamarcus to break down in grief over the death of his beautiful trumpet. It was really embarrassing. Like when you go to the city centre with your friends and they tell you not swear so loudly (AN: REAL LIFE YO). Jamarcus then decided to get his head in the game and continued to do the cheer routine.
"Alright, so now it's time for your names."
Sergeant Neff (AN: I think this is his name but im not actually sure. this was the first sergeant 2 come up on IMDB. I paid very little attention to the names. I spent almost the entirety of the film making jokes.) stood in front of a kid with huge glasses. The glasses looked really ridiculous. There was silence. And even more silence. Then an extra dash of silence for the last bit of silence.
"What's your fucking name? JFC!"
"Oh! I thought you were going to give us names," replied Glasses McGee. "If you read the narration, you'll find my name."
"Yes but you're supposed to say you're name despite of the fact the bitch writing this just wrote your name."
"My name is Glasses McGee," he replied. Then the twat head who just called me a bitch walked around and asked more people their names. He then stopped in front of Jamarcus.
"My name is Jamarcus Thorn."
"The fuck name is Jamrcus, though?" replied Sergeant Neff. It was a fair point.
"I don't know. I don't even think it's a real name at the moment but we have all of Macklemore's music and 666 different copies of call me maybe so it's okay."
Sergeant Neff shrugged and then moved on to the next kid and then fell in love. Like when Cecil went to the town meeting and Carlos smiled and he fell in love instantly. Only in this instance it was a 13 year old boy and he was scowling quite pointedly.
"Um, excuse me, Sergeant, aren't you going to move on to me?" another voice said but Sergeant Neff ignored them so he could continue oggling Damien. Damien was starting to become extremely uncomfortable. The oggling went on for nearly five hours and everyone thought that the sergeant was just asserting his authority.
"That's a great name," sergeant Neff finally said before moving on. He hadn't actually learnt his name because he'd been to busy rewriting Twilight so that he and Damien were the main characters. However, this was a boarding school and so it wouldn't be that difficult to find out what his name actually was.
Meanwhile, at the Thorn Manor, there was a dinner party and Aunt Marion kept trying to give everyone rohypnol. However, they were on to her and so they just didn't drink for the evening. Aunt Marion felt sad about the failure of her plan and started snorting cocaine in the middle of dinner which was really awkward.
"So, I don't like Damien and I'm going to give my share of the company to charity."
"What a lovely thing to do, Marion," smiled Ann.
"JUST KIDDING BITCH. I WILL SPEND IT ALL ON CRAZY STRAWS!"
"Marion, no," said Richard.
"Then I'll snort cocaine with said crazy straws."
"Marion, stop," cried Ann.
"You can't fuckign stop me im invincible."
Aunt Marion proceeded to swoop down from the table whilst yelling about the fact that she did 7 cocaines. The dinner party resumed in a harmonious conduct after the disturbance. Charles mentioned he had bought some slides from his latest excavation. Ann became extremely excited because she thought they were the kind of slides that you get in the park. She was extremely disappointed when they were just pictures of rock and sand.
At one point there was actually a woman and so Ann asked who the woman was.
"That's Joan Hart. She's a pimp. I mean journalist and archaeologist."