Hello everyone~! Just to say, I'm starting A Level IT and Maths like two years early... ;M; So chapters may be a little shorter just because of the workload. They won't be up any later though I promise! :P
Chapter 15: The Tale of an Air Vent
Shadow didn't have a clue where he was.
When he had fully opened his eyes, he found himself in an ornate room, decorated with satin banners hanging from every corner of the walls and gentle lighting. A small vent in the middle of the walls was the only thing that disturbed the clean opulence of the room. There was no furniture as such, just some unspecified objects that didn't seem to serve any use. They seemed to be there mostly for sentimental value, especially when Vaati appeared in his line of vision and started waxing lyrical about how "oh my GODDESSES are these seriously items from the Lanayru Desert, Era of the Goddess time period?"
"How long have YOU been awake?" the boy muttered, flopping back down to the ground again.
"Quite a while." came the reply. "Seems we were rescued from that lava, at least."
"I feel like [CENSORED] though..." It was true, Shadow did feel as if he was about to throw up- his head was pounding and he had a sharp, stabbing stomach ache that made his entire body contract. He felt ill and incredibly weak.
"Yes... it seems like whoever our hero was also drugged us a little. That's the only explanation anyway... we fell in the lava and ended up he-"
"I'm sure the readers don't need the entire story of how we got here! Haven't you heard of [CENSORED] mystery!? Intrigue!? Unpredictability!?"
Vaati made a distasteful noise out of the side of his mouth. "Mystery. It's overrated."
"The question is...who rescued us?"
There was a loud sqawk from underneath Shadow. "Well, I wish I could have just died in the lava!"
"Don't be pessimistic!" came a shrill voice that burnt deep into Shadow's throbbing temples. "C'mon, we may as well make the most of our situation!"
"...How?" Ezlo muttered.
"I know!" Vaati snapped, seizing the fairy from mid- air. "I know how to make the most of our situation- here!"
Before anyone could protest, Navi was shoved in the vent with a squeak. The fairy struggled uselessly- "Please let me out, I sense an evil prescence here!"
Everyone ignored her, seeing as both Shadow and Vaati were both bona fide evil villains so it was kind of obvious that she should be sensing some kind of malicious aura. Ezlo, although he hated his former apprentice with a vengeance, had a grudging admiration for him for finally shutting the irritating fairy up.
There was a more pressing problem than Navi, however; an exit. There seemed to be no way out, and although Shadow went to the trouble of blowing up every square inch of the room (using a pack of unlimited Bombchus he had bought from a dodgy salesman in Castle Town, of course), he could find nothing of worth. The walls remained solid and unflinching as ever, and they had obviously been enchanted because there was not even a crack in the plaster after Shadow had finished with them.
Vaati looked miserably at Ganondorf's scuba gear, with the key kept inside the oxygen tank for safekeeping. He paused to wonder whether it would be any use, and where on the sweet earth it had been the previous chapter. WAS it even in the previous chapter...? Jeez, why is there scuba gear in medieval times? Was that some kind of stupid plot device or what?
If I wrote this story, he thought, I wouldn't delete every chapter off my computer when I finished it. Idiots.
He picked it up and examined the oxygen tube.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
"What the hell kind of sound effect was that?" Shadow snapped.
"The sound of Vaati's face being sucked off his skull?" the author suggested.
"Whooohooooo!" Ezlo allowed himself a jubilant celebration.
"Wait a minute, I haven't even written it yet!" came the irritated reply, and the sound of fingers tapping on a keyboard.
Vaati, who had been waiting patiently for the story to proceed, let rip with a horrifying scream as his face was sucked off his skull. His hat was whipped off as well, and everyone watching (and obviously not helping) were prepared for his hair to be next had the mage not whipped the oxgen tube away from him and pointed it desperately at the walls.
Whatever magic spell had been put on the walls could NOT withstand the sheer force of Old Guy's corrupt wares. The plaster was ripped off the walls, revealing the faded brickwork behind. Of course, the next thing the oxygen tube was aimed at once Vaati realised its power was Navi, who being stuck in the vent and apparently preoccupied with the "evil force" behind it could not have predicted what was going to happen.
Her shrill scream echoed around the room. Ezlo developed a vicious eye tick, which he somewhat deserved after irritating Vaati so much last chapter.
"Vaati, what have you done NOW!? Don't you ever learn?" he snapped.
"What, learn how not to terminate a fairy's life with extreme prejudice?" Vaati replied, taking a look down the oxygen tube and grinning at the horrible sight of mauled Navi. "But that's a useful skill!"
"I thought you lost your face." Shadow muttered.
"It came back." the author replied. "Vaati's too beautiful to not have a face."
The vent, after the assault from the psuedo- Hoover that was the scuba gear, had become dislodged and now hung askew, revealing a darkness behind it. It was Ezlo who first noticed the eye peering out through the darkness, glaring at them. Surprisingly, he didn't panic or alert the others- he just sat back (or at least the hat equivalent of it, which was toppling over) and waited for karma to exact its' revenge on his apprentice. It's surprising what a couple of years of angsting can do to a Minish.
"Ahem." came a voice, seemingly belonging to the owner of the eye. (That was a messed up sentence. The author sends her apologies).
"Ahem."
"Ahem."
"A- HEM."
"We're not doing embroidery." Shadow replied.
The person behind the vent was taken aback. "Embroidery!?"
"A hem? A HEM? A HEM!? I am a GENIUS! WAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!" Shadow promptly collapsed with near- hysterical laughter.
Vaati made a mental note to revise his minion's psychological condition afterwards.
"That's not funny." came the droll voice, though there was a hint of suppressed smirk behind it. "And anyway, I'm the one who rescued you. So you should be thanking me, not cracking jokes at me. It seems that the author has forgotten about the poison effect mentioned at the beginning of the chapter though."
Shadow immediately fell to the floor clutching his stomach and making hideous moaning noises.
"That's better. So, are you going to come and fight me?"
Vaati, who was left to make the decision, stopped and turned to the vent with a look of venom in his eyes. He was beginning to recognise this voice a little more, but he still couldn't quite recall it. But whoever the voice belonged to did not only have an intellect not unlike himself, but was also admirably malicious. He probably wouldn't have thought of poisoning his adversaries just before a battle- then again, I'm above such low tactics, he thought contemptously.
"We accept your offer." He spoke confidently, but felt slightly stupid speaking into a damaged little air-vent. The glee that radiated from behind it, though, was obvious.
"Well, you have the key!" came the cheerful reply. "I'll see you there...as soon as you work out how to get out." The eye then disappeared to be replaced by darkness once more.
"Well, that's obvious!" Shadow exclaimed, and immediately got stuck in the vent trying to wriggle through it.
"You look ridiculous. If I wasn't sapped of all my energy by sheer despair, I would bite your backside so hard you'd never walk again." Ezlo muttered. Vaati shot a sideways glance at his former master, mildly impressed.
The three (well, four, if you count Navi stuck inside the scuba gear) eventually managed to get through the wall by repeated kicking at the brickwork surrounding the vent, mostly on Shadow's part since Vaati would NEVER be caught doing something so undignified. However, the mage did contribute slightly to the effort by swinging Ezlo at any weak spots on the wall, usually achieving nothing for himself or the mission except the hat- thing's wrath. However, abusive words don't have quite the same impact coming from a hat with a black eye and a severely bent beak.
When a hole had been created that was suitably big, Vaati and Shadow crawled through it, Vaati dragging the scuba gear behind him and Ezlo bringing up the rear.
"You know, we could have made this hole a little bigger!" The ex- Picori's harsh voice was uncomfortably loud in the hollow tunnel. "It's not the most edifying sight, Vaati, looking at your arse!"
Vaati's eye twitched. Thank goodness he still had some vestige of dignity left, otherwise he was pretty sure he would have "done a Ganondorf" and farted loudly. And wetly. And he would have enjoyed it immensely.
There was a door in front of them, and finally the key that Ganondorf had stuffed down the oxygen tube came into some use. There was a handy lock in it, which the key fitted perfectly into.
"How cliche." Ezlo muttered. Vaati, Shadow and the unfortunate Navi had to agree.
They came out through a rock face, into an expanse of water they remembered seeing before. (Apologies for that dodgy sentence. The author no speak the English). It was exactly as they remembered it, almost like glass in that they could see their reflections staring back at them when they looked down at their feet. The water was shallow, only coming up to their ankles, but they felt its coldness all the way up their bodies. Nothing could have prepared them for the sight they encountered when they focused just ahead of them; the tree from the original Asking For Disaster.
Tied to it was Ganondorf, and leaning against the trunk with a broad grin were Ghirahim and Dark Link.
-
Damn...such bad English in this chapter xD But I never said I was a good writer anyway! That's my excuse...um, excuse for what? I don't know xD
I really need to tone down the fourth wall breaking tbh...
WraithHeart: Pool? Awesome? *checks your temperature* Are you okay there? I think you may need to go to hospital... or a psychiatric unit...whichever is nearest.
Various brain wavelengths? Alpha, beta, gamma and theta? Funnily enough I study neuroscience extensively, so I've pretty much got that area covered ;) WHAT!? Of course I'm not a commoner! I'm a GODDESS, my friend, a goddess of the undead!
Skeleton: As if that hasn't been done hundreds of times already. *blasted into pieces*
And believe me, if you've got a competent army of your own I'd like to see it! *looks at skeletons, three of which have settled down and started playing cards* Because I certainly haven- HEY! Freaking baykok! *grabs it in a furious headlock* Watch- what- you're- doing- with- that- potentially- dangerous- OBJECT!
P.s: it may be too late now, but don't. It'll rot your brain. And I have no problem with a little nosiness ;) I'm exactly the same tbh xD
DemonSorceressRinato808: I'm so glad! :D And yeah, Vaati's certainly the smartest of the three... but sometimes he doesn't exactly apply that intelligence. If he did, then this quest would probably be over and done with... then again there's always Ganondorf holding the group back.
And wow, would you have really beaten him up? :O I am IMPRESSED! Thing is, don't tell anybody but Ganny's a huge coward so he'd probably let you xD Although you're right, neither Shadow or Vaati stand up to him the way they should... maybe they should take your advice! :D You go get 'em!
See you next week, everybody~!