An: Yesss, omens 2. Update. It's been a year. I'm a different person now. but im always loyal 2 u, omen 2...
Joan was driving in her car in a casual fashion. Images of her reflection and the fashion disaster on her shoulders made her feel dizzy. She randomly pulled into a military school parking lot because Macklemore told her too (And you know what they say about Mr Mackleman). When she stumbled out of the car, haunted by her hideous coat, she stumbled around and then she saw him... John from Accounting! She cried and burped and vomited at the same time. Then she looked again and realised it was a fucking twelve year old who was being a lil' bitch because he was forced to be the school quarterback.
"Holy shiettt! That's the anti-christ!" she said in her over the top 70's English accent. All of a sudden Swag Bro the Crow swooped down menacingly.
"Oh no! It thinks I'm a bird pimp! It wants to get bird bitches from me!" She screeched like a wraith. She all but dove into her car and slammed the gas and began to speed away down the long, long country road. She didn't know where she was going, her only direction was away.
About twelve minutes and forty nine seconds later, her car ran out of gas. She began to hyperventilate. However, she remembered the techniques the author's psychologist taught her and began to think positively.
"He couldn't possibly still be following me. He must know that if I ran away, I couldn't possibly have bird bitches to pimp out to him."
Then out of the corner of her eye, a black shadow swooped down. She chanted "It's nothing" under her breath repeatedly. But when then glass shattered and Swag Bro the Crows beak poked through the window, she couldn't deny the truth. She opened the car door and began to run out onto the road in order to evade the predatory messenger from Hell.
"U WOT M8?" Swag Bro the Crow squwaked. "I can fly, you cheeky knut. You've messed up now, m8."
The menacing creature began to peck at her hair and tried to lift her from the ground. She managed to slap him away, so he went in for the eyes and pecked them out. A gang of swaggy pals joined in and left Joan Hart unable to keep an eye out for Selena. She found herself walking out onto the road, in front of an oncoming truck. Hearing the trucks horn blare, she knew what was coming. In a last ditch effort to survive she activated her magical coat powers but only managed to levitate into the truck and die on impact and somehow fall underneath the penultimate wheel on the right and thus get pumelled twice.
"Wow, Damien, many people sure are dying!" Jamarcus exclaimed to his Cousin.
"Shut the fuck up, Jamarcus! I'm trying to enjoy your shit birthday party that you made me leave my room from! God damn it, Jamarcus, I'm trying to go through my fucking goth phase and all I have is the g-major version of 'Call Me Maybe.' Why do you have to be such a fucking asshole?" Damien responded, calmly.
"You, sure got that right pal," Hannibal Lecter said. But it was the 2012 version of Hannibal Lecter.
"Hannibal Lecter? What are you doing here?" Damien gasped.
"Well, in the 2012 prequel to Hannibal everyone is much younger than they are in the original films, which are set in a time prior to the prequel. So, it's a cannonical storyline in season 5 that Doctor Who sends us back in time to fix the storyline."
"We all know that. We learned that in History in like 5th grade," Jamarcus said. "He meant: why are you here at my party, specifically?"
"Oh, I have provided a delicious banquet for your birthday, as head-caterer. I think you will especially enjoy the cake and the burgers."
"Wow, Hannibal, thank-you so much. You're like the nicest man in history. You're my hero," Jamarcus said.
"Yes, I'm really well known for being really nice and cool in general," Hannibal smiled.
Richard Thorne lit the candles on Jamarcus' cake. Jamarcus began to try and blow out the candles but it was oddly difficult.
"Come on, Jamarcus, blow them all out," Damien laughed. Jamarcus stood up straight and turned to look at Damien with his hands on his hips.
"I'm sorry I don't have as much experience in blowing things as you," he said. Everyone "ooh'd" because they could not even believe how badly Damien had been rekt by Jamarcus swaggy parr.
"Bamboozled!" Richard Thorn yelled, the pride in his heart was over-flowing with pride with his son's swag.
"He just got rused," Aunt Marion's ghost sighed happily before she was smothered by Hannibal, but no one noticed because shes a bitch.