Chapter 18: Guess Who?
"It's Friday night and the author has only just started writing." sighed Vaati. "This chapter is going to be pretty bad, readers."
"Excuse me! It's my job to warn the readers!" came the furious reply.
"You've done it enough, author. It's my turn now." Vaati motioned towards the destroyed fourth wall, covering what was left of Dark Link. Ganondorf was staring at it in utter bewilderment, not able to comprehend what had just happened. "Now that that boundary has been destroyed, surely there's nothing to stop me going into your world and-"
"We did that in Asking For Disaster." whispered Shadow. Vaati looked slightly depressed.
"Hey! Listen!" Navi squeaked, causing everyone to instinctively cover their ears. "Shouldn't we get on with the story?"
After some more heated debate, Vaati and the author came to an uneasy truce and decided to progress the story a little more, seeing as a discernible storyline had begun to emerge and-
BA-DADADA-DADADA-DADADA-DADADA-DADADA-DADADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
A badly played bugle sounded through the air, making the entire scene shake. Ganondorf stopped eating the brick dust and whirled round, pulling Dark's sword out from under the wreckage and waving it menacingly. Vaati glared at Navi as this new happening was somehow entirely her fault, and Shadow let out a large whoop as he belatedly realised that Dark Link, his nemesis and self- proclaimed superior, was dead (for now). He then looked at who was approaching, leading the bugle- caller.
"[CENSORED] hell!"
Shadow had his mouth open in astonishment. "MASTER!"
Vaati covered his mouth in embarrassment. "I'm honestly sorry... it just slipped out. But seriously... I didn't think I'd ever see this guy again!"
"Actually, this is probably the first Zelda fanfiction where he's turned up this late." the boy observed.
"He's a bigger idiot than me." Ganondorf muttered.
It was all too obvious from the hint- ridden dialogue who was approaching.
The bugles died down, apart from an occasional parp, and the entire Zelda Symphony Orchestra behind the figure on the horse lowered their instruments in respect as he slowed it down to a stop. The figure made no effort to get off the horse (somewhat of an insult in Hyrule and its' corresponding alternate dimensions), but instead sat on it blocking out the bright sunlight that had began to filter through the clouds after such a violent storm. In the traditional "hero" pose, of course.
Of course, this was the cue for the Dramatic Exclamation from every member of the cast.
"LLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"
Vaati was standing up, arm outstretched and hand pointing in a Phoenix-Wright style pose, Shadow was standing in a gunslinger pose with teeth bared, and Ganondorf was scratching his backside with Dark's sword. He had forgotten what all the fuss was about a long time ago.
Link was triumphant already, regarding his adversaries with a smug expression.
"Lay down, you villains, you dogs!" his bugle- caller yelled.
"I'm not a dog! I'm a Hylian!" Ganondorf howled. He was hit on the head by a trumpet. Boom- tish.
"We're not getting into ANOTHER fight." Vaati hissed. He indicated Dark Link. "We've already killed one person! Usually we'd get a pay rise if we kill another person, but I don't think that applies in Dierule. I still don't know which currency you use."
Shadow pulled out his Ipad, scrolling through the menu. "I have an app for that...?" he offered.
To cut a long story short, Link seemed particularly merciless and the three villains found themselves being marched, hands tied behind their backs, into an open- topped horse- drawn carriage.
"How could you describe it like that, author!?" Vaati complained. "It's basically a bench on wheels."
"I need to make my story more sophisticated." the author replied, flicking through a Posh Person's Handbook desperately.
It was not a pleasant journey at all. The three were used to being dragged off and imprisoned in dungeons- it is an easy way to tell when the author has severe and all- consuming writer's block (as usual). However, they had been dragged off and imprisoned in much more comfortable conditions than this. The bench- on- wheels (A/N: *sigh*) gave the three a most edifying sight of the horse's bottom as it jogged along before them. To make things worse, the person riding it was Link. It constantly reminded them of their failed pursuits to rid the world of this Hero, and seeing him leading them triumphantly to further imprisonment was a great embarrassement. Ezlo sat at their feet dolefully, not saying much except to squawk in pain when the bench went over a particularly harsh bump in the road. Navi huddled under Vaati's cape, tickling his back with her dainty wings. Vaati deliberately leaned back against the bench and there was a crush as several little fairy bones were fractured simultaneously.
The cold winter wind danced around them and snow began to fall gently from the skies, and although the scene seemed like a Christmas-card winter atmosphere the air seemed to be made of tiny particles, nibbling at any exposed skin. Shadow, who was wearing a short- sleeved tunic and flimsy leggings, seemed to be suffering the worst. His arms were wrapped round himself so tight he was in danger of dislocating his shoulders.
"As the reader can see, Link had untied the ropes binding their hands together before introducing them to the bench." Vaati dictated. "Write it, author!"
There was another world- weary sigh.
As the reader can see, Link had untied the ropes binding their hands together before introducing them to the bench. None of them attempted to do anything, however; they were in the middle of a frozen wasteland and they knew that if they were stranded here, they would not survive the night. The terrain was mountainous, and-
"Hang on! Is this the opening of [CENSORED] Skyrim!?" Shadow exclaimed.
"No, you idiot, there aren't any dragons or dodgy Nordic accents." Vaati replied.
"We do have dragons in Dierule." The bugle- caller spoke, not bothering to look at them but instead seeming to speak to thin air. He was riding alongside Link's horse. "If spoilers are allowed in this story, that's how you're going to meet your death."
"Hah! That's rubbish! I can outsmart a dragon EASILY!" Ganondorf burst out triumphantly. "All you do is...uh...uh..." Cue gormless expression.
"Run away, Master?" suggested Shadow.
"Took the words right out of my mouth." Ganondorf said smugly. "I'm so clever."
"You're NOT clever!" Ezlo wailed. "How many times have these two told you!? You're a great big blob of galloping BO and bad decisions! You're a source of howling mirth for every self- respecting evil villain on the planet!"
Ganondorf's mouth dropped open.
"Actually, Ezlo... we've never told him anything of the sort." Shadow whispered. "Ganondorf's dangerous when he's angry."
"Outspoken old coot." Vaati muttered in disgust. He waited for the inevitable explosion that would follow Ganny's utter shock.
...
...
...
There was a loud, long howl that echoed throughout the hillsides and scared several rare species of bird out of the trees. Ganondorf sat with his mouth open like a letter- box, letting loose with a prolonged wail.
"NOBODY LIKES MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WHY DOES NOBODY LIKE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!?"
"Because you're a great big blob of galloping-" Ezlo opened his beak to repeat his previous statement, until a wide- eyed warning look from Shadow persuaded him to shut it.
But it was too late to stop Ganny's tantrumming now. Link remained admirably ignorant, staring straight ahead as he and his horse traversed the unsafe mountain paths. His bugle- caller seemed to have slightly less patience than the seemingly personality- devoid hero, and kept turning round to shoot furious glares at his passengers. Shadow had his hands over his ears and Vaati was looking faintly embarrassed, like a parent with a wailing baby on a crowded bus.
What happened next was the thing that any sensible person would be dreading.
Ganny, in a fit of pique, jumped to his feet and did an impressive combat roll out of the "cart". The horse and bugle- caller carried on, oblivious, despite Vaati and Shadow yelling at him to stop. It seemed that he was either wilfully ignoring them, or he had gone deaf from his own terrible playing.
There was only one thing for it- grabbing Shadow, Vaati bailed out of the cart after his master. The two plunged into a pile of snow, thankfully deep enough to break their fall. The sudden shot of coldness made them gasp and shudder involuntarily, and pull together for warmth.
Ezlo hopped off the cart too. "Get up you ninnies!" he barked. "You're the ones who instigated this rescue!"
"Hey, he dragged me off!" Shadow protested. Vaati propped himself up on his elbows and watched as the horse and cart trotted away from them, soon to be lost in the mountain fog. He knew they wouldn't come back for them... they were more likely to die out here, in the mountains. What he didn't know was that Link was due to be coming back for them... just not now. Not yet.
"Is that what you call foreshadowing, then, Master? 'They were in the middle of a frozen wasteland and they knew that if they were stranded here, they would not survive the night'?" Shadow asked.
"Yes, Shadow." Vaati said wearily, looking in all directions for his master. "Yes, it is."
...
Swamp Dragon Princess: AAAAHHHHH NNOOOOOO don't worry I do plan for Darky to return! ;P He is not going to be cut from this story forever, I promise you! (or maybe I'm just bargaining for your reviews :P) And of course, I love writing his villainous cliches, he's definitely a favourite of mine actually! And yeah... Ghirahim's a flamboyant, leotard- wearing idiot xD And I would LOVE to see him reign Dierule, he would be so entertaining! Except, of course, he's probably the worst evil villain ever JUST BECAUSE he's just such a failure... him and Ganny, now wouldn't you love to see that!?
AND HERE'S A SHOVEL *throws several shovels at you in desperation*
Wraith's Heart: Wahahahaaaaa! You're probably right you know! xD And I'm pretty sure there's a reason why Ganny made his darkness look like Link... it was something to do with his hatred of the guy? I'm not sure ;w;
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! TOO MANY REVENANTS!
Waaait... where's my army? *looks around frantically* Damn... I can't even remember what happened in the previous chapters! Guess I'll have to fight these guys off myself. *arms self with katana*
Jeez. This thing is heavy- WAIT. WAIIIITTTTTTTTTTT! DON'T KILL ME JUST CUZ I CAN'T EVEN PICK UP A SWORD!
p.s: don't worry, we all have days like that ;P p.p.s: Ganny: HEY! GET BACK HERE! THAT'S MY JOB!... I think.
DemonSorceressRinato808: Oh my goodness! Shadow is surprisingly violent... then again, he seems like that kind of guy :/ But as much as Ezlo wants to beat Vaati up, I think he's at a bit of a disadvantage in his current form xD It would be interesting to see a fight between Vaati and Ganny, no? And you're totally right, Ganny's pathetic for someone who looks so muscular. He's such a coward... but that's only because he expects Vaats and Shaddy to do all the dirty work for him! After what you've said though, I think they deserve it ;P
SlyKly: Thank you for the favourite and the follow! Are you, by any chance, the same SlyKly from DeviantART? The one with the fabulous artworks? ;P (haven't had time to check your profile, sorry ;w;)