Sorry for the short chapter again guys (the shortest chapter yet *snif*), back to school prep is taking up most of my time. Luckily it's my last year in comprehensive school, soooo... then it's on to EVEN MORE education! Yaay! XD

Chapter 23: The Hero Returns!

"Ghirahim, seriously. This isn't funny. Just help me." Vaati whimpered.

Ghira, still obviously drunk, didn't seem to register his words. He pulled up a nearby rock and sat his skinny backside on it heavily. He released a world- weary sigh. "You know, Vaaters, I don't get why people don't appreciate me more." he slurred. "I'm in the starring *hic* role in Hyrule Wa...Waaa... Warri...whatevers, and I REALLLLLLLY think they should all LOVE ME, and KISS ME..."

Vaati looked disgusted. "Whatever you say, Ghi."

"You wanna kiss me? YOU WANNA KISS ME? Well believe me, Vaaters... I've always had feelings for you too..."

Vaati cringed. This was not the way he wanted the conversation to go. He tried to turn it back to less stomach- churning matters. "Ghirahim, I will kiss you on one condition. Get me out of this tree."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? You think I can make magic? Well, I tell you baby..."

"GHIRA."

"I can't! I dunno how my master did it!"

"Uh... so I'm stuck."

"Yup!"

"...Oh, wrath of Din... what do I do?"

"I'll tell you what we can do." Ghirahim sidled up, smirking. "You and me, baby, are nothing like mammals! Let's do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel!"

Vaati decided to see if he could at least TRY and enjoy himself. "Break it down now!"

Ghirahim used his fists to thump out the rapid drumbeat on the tree, thoroughly enjoying himself. To his delight, Vaati felt the tree beginning to lean forward a bit, the roots weakening at last. Really, it should have moved a long time ago, but it was a good tree and had found a convenient place in the plot to do so, rather than make things difficult for the author.

Just as Ghira enthusiastically finished the instrumental, Vaats heard an ominous CRACK as one of the tree's roots finally gave out.

The whole plant topped and crashed down into the floor.

The tree was quite heavy, so the shockwaves were felt throughout the mountain. Especially in Shadow's area.

There was another CRASH as the igloo which he had so carefully and lovingly constructed fell right on top of him.

Ezlo burst into laughter. Even though his head was stuck in the mound of snow, he heard the crash and Shadow's muffled shrieks and came to the logical conclusion.

Shaddy's head burst out through the snow. "What the [CENSORED] just happened!? Was there a bomb? Did Ganondorf fart?"

His heart sank as he realised the fate of his master. "Oh yeah... he's dead. Maybe I should have just been smothered in the snow..." He trembled involuntarily as he imagined the scenario; Ganny, miraculously reincarnated once again, decides to take his revenge on the people who had killed him. If we have killed him. This mystery is dragging on a bit long. If this was a soap, it would probably have been cancelled by now.

He shouldered his hookshot

He stopped and read over that last sentence.

"I wonder what else this thing can kill...?" he mused, looking over at the still- chuckling Ezlo. He fired it directly at him.

DRAMATIC SCENE BREAK

*If this was a soap, that would have been an ad break*, Vaati thought. Then he turned his mind to his current situation.

He was now still stuck in the tree. However, he was now also stuck in the ground and seemed to be even more unable to move. His face was pressed rather uncomfortably into a large rock.

He was quite afraid of what Ghirahim could do to him when he was in this position.

"Oooooh... smutty." came the voice he feared from behind his back. "No worries, no worries... I have bigger concerns right now. Needless to say, my former master is probably very concerned about me..."

As he spoke, Dark was happily sitting on a Hinoxes's shoulders, galloping around Hyrule looking for maidens to kidnap (though it must be said, some of them went willingly). He had a tankard of good beer under one arm, the air was flowing through his sleek locks in a cool breeze, and life was good.

"We'll wait until Dark Link comes back, pleading for me." Ghira continued, unaware of the irony of his statement.

"I'll give you half an hour."

"And how are you supposed to measure that? It's medieval times."

"COUNT!"

END OF DRAMATIC SCENE BREAK

The hookshot swerved straight round Ezlo and instead ploughed straight through the snow pile which had collapsed on top of Shadow.

The boy recoiled in surprise. "How the [CENSORED]!?" He shot it at Ezlo again, and missed. He shot, and missed. He THREW it at the hat- thing.

And missed.

"What does this thing do, then...?" he mused, as the former Minish sank to the floor (which he had been pretty close to anyway) in shock. Maybe the Goddesses were looking out for him after all. Although, he considered as he looked down at himself, they had a funny way of showing it.

"I wish I could go back in time..." he sighed, as Shadow proceeded to try and shoot the hookshot up his nose, only to see it recoil away back into the ground. Very mysterious.

Ganondorf, not far away, swung gently in the branches of the tree. He was the first fatality of the hookshot, and may or may not be the last. Since he may or may not be dead (the author realises she has to stop with this ambiguity), he didn't hear the light footsteps approaching, crunching the snow like dead leaves.

Spawn-of-Green had been travelling for a long time. He hadn't had a fun journey... ever since the first few chapters of this story, he had been forced to wander through the abyss of The Author's Mind and had only just found his way back into the storyline. And who should he come across but the idiotic man who had been almost eaten by the ChuChus?

Oh well. As the spawn of the Hero, he had a duty to save every innocent civilian he came across.

He blithely took out his sword and cut the tree in half.

The top half fell conveniently into a river running right next to it. Ganny was still wrapped round the branches, but didn't seem to be bothered. His eyes were closed and he looked almost peaceful, the first and last time in his life he would ever be silent.

"Oh [CENSORED]!" Spawn- of- Green shattered the solemn moment with a loud, Shadowesque swear word as he realised Ganny was heading straight for a large waterfall.

"Hang on, author." There was a voice from the ground nearby. "Since when was there a waterfall in the forest? You're just trying to get rid of Lord Ganondorf once and for all- OH MY HOLY HYLIA LORD GANONDORF!"

Spawn- of- Green gestured wildly to Vaati, then Ganny.

"Yes, I serve him! How the hell did he get in a river!?"

The boy looked a little awkward and gestured to the tree, then his sword.

"You imbecile!"

There was an awkward pause.

"Still, I suppose you can be of help. Get me out of this stupid situation!"

Ghirahim glared across at Vaati. "Excuse me! You're supposed to be counting!"

"Dark's not coming back, you idiot. He never liked you in the first place. And neither did I." Vaati turned his attention back to spawn- of- Green. "Well!? Get to it!"

The tunic- clad boy examined Vaati and the ground for a minute, then smiled and pulled out an ocarina. He motioned for Vaati to stay INCREDIBLY still.

He began to play a strange theme, one that nobody in that time had ever heard before. It sounded faintly like the Top Gear theme tune, but obviously only the author and her readers would know this.

Just as he had finished, there was a splash as Ghirahim threw himself into the river with a miserable howl. Vaati turned his head to look.

This was somewhat of a mistake.

While things were going terribly wrong upriver, Ghira floated sadly down with the current of the water. He saw the tree that Ganny was in, and swam over to it. He may as well cuddle up with a corpse- it was the only thing that would ever go near him. He wished someone would love him.

He clung onto Ganondorf's arm, wondering if he could possibly steal the armour and make a quick buck out of it, before remembering that that idea had already been considered in a previous chapter. Seriously, even your THOUGHTS have to be original in fanfiction, he contemplated wearily.

"I know, right? And my thoughts are so smart, if they were written down everyone's head would explode!" came a fed- up sounding voice from next to him. "And get off my arm, you stupid stick person!"

Ghirahim stared in wonderment. "Ganondorf...? You're STILL ALIVE...?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yup... couldn't bring myself to kill the guy off xD He's too fun to write!

Swamp Dragon Princess: Whaaaaaaaaaat? No no no, you are NOT a terrible person! By that logic, I am even more terrible for completely forgetting to reply to your review! (because I thought I already had *derp*) And yeah, that scene is suitably epic... shame that Ghirahim is such an embarrassing contrast to Dark's overall perfection.
And now I am afraid I must imprison you in another dimension. You have intruded my mind and have seen exactly where the story is going! *ominous chord* Except, of course, it's going to go WRONG. Hmmm.
You were right... Ganny lives on! *cue mass groans* It was obvious there was far too much love for the guy to actually kill him off! Riiight, everyone?
... *tumbleweed rolls by*

Wraith's Heart: Good idea! Here, Vaati! DIN'S FIRE!
*attacks mage with said overpowered item* Charred Vaati: ... I think he meant giving it to ME. ...Oh well. Easy mistake to make. Um, a Tingle/Dark romance? I couldn't find any... Now if I was TRULY sadistic.. I'd write one :D But it might result in me willingly accepting whatever death this Wan- Yudo will have for me. *looks up at rafters* I'm waiting for you, buddy. And excuse me, you can't frame Sasuke, he's mine. Although I'm kind of expecting a punishment for making this chapter so short. *sees Gaara*
Sasuke, KILL!

DemonSorceressRinato808: Riiiight ;) Aww. Such a sweet couple. You know you've got a LOT of fangirls envying you! You wanna keep a hold on him... he's a good catch. I'm slightly jealous myself actually x3 Although it is a bit unfortunate that he's so fond of torture... then again being an evil villain does seem to have that effect on people. And ah, I see! Well, I suppose temper can get the better of people. Push him off the Empire State next time! :P And it's a shame about your lord. Maybe you could Skype him...? If evil villains do have Skype xD But I'm sure there's some way to communicate with him...