Chapter Three: Day Four, Late Evening

"LINKA! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" I can't help yelling.

I see by the way she jumps that I've startled her.

"Bozhe Moy Wheeler! You scared me!"

I run over to the oven, lift her up to her feet and move her to the side, then slam the door shut, and turn the oven off.

"ARE YOU CRAZY?!" As soon as I say the words, I regret them.

"NYET! I AM COLD! IT IS FREEZING ON THIS DAMN 'TROPICAL' ISLAND!"

Whoa. Linka never swears…not in English anyways…even a minor word like 'damn' is out of character for her.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled, and I shouldn't have called you crazy."

"Do not treat me like a baby! I am not some fragile trinket that you are afraid is going to break!"

"Babe…you gotta understand where I'm coming from…do you have any idea what that looked like?"

"Like someone trying to get warm?!"

"No. Like someone with a death wish!"

"I DO NOT HAVE A DEATH WISH!!!"

Don't they have natural gas in the Soviet Union?! Leaving gas stoves on produces carbon monoxide. I thought she was smarter than that. I guess she's just not thinking clearly.

"Then why were you sitting in front of a gas oven? If you weren't overcome by fumes, you could've blown yourself…and anyone else within range…to pieces!"

"I…" she sighs, all the fight is gone from her. "I guess I was not thinking."

"I guess not," I also sigh. I don't wanna fight with her. I just wanna pull her into my arms and hold her. But I don't think she's ready for that.

"If you were cold, you could've just asked for another sweatshirt. I have others that might be a little thicker."

She looks down at the shirt and blushes.

"I am sorry. I did not mean to keep it for so long…and then I was cold and it was there and…"

"Linka, it's ok. I don't mind."

"I will make sure to wash it and give it back to you…"

"You can have it."

"Nyet, I cannot take your shirt from you…"

"You're not. I'm giving it to you. It's from a few years ago, so it doesn't fit me so good anymore. Besides, back home, when a girl wears a guy's shirt…it makes him feel…well, it's nice to see."

"So how many times have you given a girl your shirt?" She asks cynically.

"Just once," I say honestly.

She looks me in the eyes, searching for the truth. When she finds it, all she can say is, "Oh" when she realizes I was referring to her.

I didn't come here to argue with her. I came here for something to eat, but it seems that she's still got some fight left in her.

"What are you doing here anyways Wheeler? Were you watching me, keeping an eye on me?"

"No, I was hungry and was just gonna get something to eat."

Once again, all she can say is,

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh.' I don't wanna fight with you Linka."

"Because it is not good for me?!"

"No, because I just don't want to."

"You were never one to back down from a fight before."

"Those were different. Those were stupid little quarrels…what you're doing now…you're just trying to push me away…further away."

She doesn't say anything. She doesn't try to deny it. I'm not gonna let her shut me out.

"If you're cold, I can make you some tea," I offer.

"I can make my own tea."

"I know you can…but I'm already gonna be in the kitchen making something for myself, so I'm offering to make it for you."

"Nyet, I can…"

"LINKA WILL YOU JUST LET ME MAKE YOU A FREAKIN' CUP OF TEA! Jesus…"

"OK FINE! If it will make you feel better to boil my water, then go ahead! God forbid, I do it myself. I might get the urge to dump the kettle on myself. Is that what you think?"

"I was more concerned with you getting the urge to dump it on me."

She chuckles and gives in, letting me prepare her tea.

She's sitting on the couch in the common area, flipping through the TV channels, when I hand her the cup of tea.

"Spasiba."

"No problem," I say as I set my bowl of cereal on the table.

I pull a blanket off the back of the side chair and wrap it around her. I'm waiting for her to bite my head off. Instead she smiles slightly at me as I take a seat next to her.

"I know why you're mad at me."

"I am n-"

"Bull. You think I sold you out; that I didn't back you up when the doctor was going to admit you into the rehab program. I thought it was best for you Babe. I didn't want you to stay. I didn't want to leave you there. I was arguing with myself over what I wanted, and what was probably in your best interest. I didn't want to abandon you. But I didn't think that we could give you the help you needed."

"I do not need help. I am fine. And I am not mad at you…not anymore. I was at first. But I know you are trying…just…do not try so hard. Let me decide for myself what is best for me...please Wheeler?"

"Ok," I say, even though I don't believe her for a second. But at least she's letting me in…even if it is just a little.

She takes a sip of her tea.

"A little bit of milk and a teaspoon of honey, right?"

"Da. This is perfect. Thank you again."

"You're welcome."

"And for the shirt."

"Sure. And like I said, I have other hoodies if you need more. Thicker ones. Bigger ones so you can wear them over other clothes."

"You will not need them? Are you not cold?"

"I have plenty," I say, avoiding her question. If she doesn't want to admit why she's cold, I'm not going to make her. I happen to think the weather lately has been comfortable…if not unseasonably warm.

We sit there for a while in silence as I finish eating and she sips her tea.

"This is not normal is it?" She finally asks.

"What?"

"Being so cold all the time. No matter what I do, I have the chills."

I take a chance and put my arm around her, pulling her against my side and rubbing my hand up and down her arm to try and rid her of her chills.

"No Babe…that's just it…it's completely normal…for someone who…"

"Do not say it."

"…is going through withdrawal," I finish, completely ignoring her request.

"What would you know about it anyway?!"

"Unfortunately, more than I'd like to."

"You have been reading too many of those stupid pamphlets the doctor gave you. I read them all too. None of it applies to me. Why can you all not see that?!"

"Linka…there's something I need to tell you. Something I've been wanting to share with you…I was gonna wait, but now seems like as good a time as any."

I feel her tense up and hold her breath. Geez, it's like she's in front of a firing squad, awaiting her execution. What brought that on? I haven't even said anything yet. Ooooh, wait a minute…what does she think I'm about to say? Does she think I'm gonna tell her how I feel about her? I remove my arm from around her and lay it across the back of the couch. If she hates the thought of me having feelings for her, holding her like this must be making her really uncomfortable.

"Don't worry Babe, I'm not about to confess my undying love for you, so you can wipe that 'Dead man walking' look off your face and start breathing again," I say.

I have to admit, I am a little hurt by her reaction. Would it really have been that bad if I told her how much I care about her? Apparently, Linka thinks it would be. What's the difference anyways? I've never tried to hide my feelings for her. She already knows, and has given me no reason to believe that she feels the same way. Well, that's not completely true. Sometimes she says or does things to give me a shred of hope. A thread to hang onto. But just as soon as she gives it, she takes it away…or I do something to make her take it away…Although I never seem to know exactly what it is that I did.

"So what did you want to tell me?" She asks as she reaches behind her and pulls my arm off the back of the couch and replaces it around her as she leans into my side for warmth.

"I wanted to tell you about my cousin, James. He was about five years older than me and was like a big brother. I kinda had this fascination with him…I thought everything he did was so cool. Whatever kinda clothes he wore, I wanted my mom to buy me the same style…ripped jeans, baggy t-shirts, flannel shirts to wear over the big, baggy t-shirts. And he always had the coolest things. They say that when guys get older, their toys get more expensive…it was so true with James. He had a Harley Davidson motorcycle, and then when he got bored with that, he bought a '69 Mustang that he fixed up and took to drag races. I loved that car. I was only 13 at the time, but he'd take me cruising with him and that car was such a chick magnet! Of course they didn't want anything to do with me cuz I was just a kid, but he could have had his pick of any girl. And even though he knew he could have had any girl that he wanted, he stuck with the same girlfriend he'd had for years. They'd known each other since they were kids, and while she was nothin' special to look at…compared to the other girls that were throwing themselves at him…he was so in love with her, it was like no other girls existed."

"That is…sweet."

I wanna tell her that that's how I feel about her…except for the part about being 'nothing special to look at.' Linka's the most beautiful girl I've ever met…I meant the part about no other girls existing, but now is not the time. I know she's lost and has no idea where I'm going with this story so I continue.

"So James married Beth when they were just 18. They had one son within the first year of their marriage and another son soon after. He had it all. A wife, cute kids, soooo popular. Everyone knew who James Wheeler was, and if you didn't know him, you wanted to know him after hearing all the stories people told about him. Every family gathering we had, it seemed like every story started with 'remember the time James…' and then they'd talk about something he did years ago, or yesterday. Didn't matter, if James was involved, it was a fond memory and most likely left the listeners laughing along with the storyteller."

"Why have you never mentioned him before?" She asks.

"For a very good reason. The problem with having so many friends is not all of them are good people…but James was such a nice guy, he'd try to see past that. I don't know why, but he started hanging out with those 'wilder' friends more often…going out to bars and partying all night while Beth stayed home with the two young boys. Maybe he felt trapped, like he settled down too young and wasn't ready to give up his good times. He was also caught smoking pot. Once my parents found out about that, I was forbidden to be around him since it was so obvious how easily I was influenced by him."

"By now, I was 15 and while my parents and other family members never talked about him when I was around, I still heard the bits and pieces of conversations. I'd learned to be really quiet when approaching a room full of my aunts, mom, and Gram. If they didn't know I was there, I could pick up some interesting bits of information, such as; there were nights when James didn't come home. Some of his buddies were arrested for drug possession. And one time, he went out to dinner with Beth and her parents, and her dad confronted him about how glassy his eyes were and told him he needed to get help, James said he didn't want help. He was going to do what was best for Beth and the boys, and leave her. I loved my cousin, but at that moment, all illusions I had of him were shattered. How could leaving Beth and his sons be what's best for them? What was best for them was for them to have their husband and father at home being responsible, not out acting like a reckless teenager."

"So did you tell him that?"

"I wish I had. I spent the summers at my grandparents' house…it was their way of politely getting me away from my dad, who drank a lot. One night, I woke up when the phone rang. I heard my grandpa and grandma talking in frantic, yet hushed tones. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I knew something was wrong. The only thing I heard for sure was my Gram say 'Be careful. He's not himself when he gets like this.' I thought they were talking about my dad. Then I started to worry, wondering if he'd done something to my mom, or if he'd gotten into a fight at the bar and needed Pap to come bail him out of jail, or maybe the bartender called my grandparents to come pick him up at the bar. The owner of my dad's favorite watering hole was an old Army buddy of my Pap's. I was so worried, I couldn't get back to sleep…so I laid there and waited for Pap to come home. When he finally did, I was surprised to hear James' voice, 'I'm fine Pap. I just have a headache. I have something for it, if you'll just let me…" and then I heard a slap and my grandmother yelling at him to put the pills down. They were killing him and destroying his family. He said that Beth and the boys were fine. He never took any pills around them. And Gram said 'not just them. Jason is here right now. He's spending the summer. Do you want him to see you like this? He admires you so much; he wants to be like you…do you want him to be like you? Do you want him to be an addict?' He said no. I heard the door open and I pretended to be asleep. Then I heard Gram tell him to sleep on the other bed…after he emptied out all his pockets. I heard the rattle of pills in a bottle as he handed them over and as Gram closed the door to the bedroom, I heard her crying."

"I am sure it was hard for her seeing her grandson like that."

"Yeah…it's hard watching someone you love go through that," I say pointedly. "He fell asleep…I could tell by his snoring and I soon feel asleep too. I woke up the next morning to the sound of someone puking their guts out. I walked into the bathroom and saw James rummaging through the medicine cabinets and said 'they don't keep anything in the guest room's bathroom other than toothpaste and toilet paper. For some reason, they don't trust me around medicine.' I wanted to add 'Maybe because they think I'll try to act like you' but I didn't. He turned around to look at me and I was scared…not of him, but of how he looked. He was sweating and had dark circles under his eyes. It was like something out of a horror movie. He was a complete zombie. He said to me 'Hey Jason. Long time no see buddy. How ya been?' I said 'Dude, you look like shit' and he yelled at me for swearing! He said 'Whoa! When did you start swearing? Watch your mouth. As for me, I'm just feeling a little sick. Think I had some bad wings last night at the bar. Do me a favor will ya? I got a buddy who has some medicine for me…but Gram and Pap won't let me leave the house because they don't want me driving while I'm sick…don't want me passin' out or something. Can you go down the block and meet him? There's a 20 in it for ya!'"

"He wanted you to go and get drugs for him?!" She asks, shocked at the thought.

"Yeah."

"Did you?"

"I thought about it…but I didn't. I told my Pap what James wanted me to do, and he called the cops. They wanted me to go through with it so they could bust the dealer. I went to meet this guy and a bunch of undercover cops came out of no where and arrested him. James was pissed at me. He said they call people like me 'narks.' He didn't get his drugs…and now that I officially knew about his problem, the whole family was more open about talking about it in front of me…no more hiding. We still had to keep it from my younger cousins. James hated me…or at least I felt like he did."

"He did not hate you Jason. Drugs make people do and say things they do not mean. Look what it did to Boris…he drugged me in order to feed his own addiction."

"Yeah, I know. But back then, that was the most horrible feeling I've ever felt in my life…up until now."

"Why now?" She asks as she picks up her head to look at me.

"Because now I feel like you hate me," I reply as I look into her eyes.

"I do not hate you."

"Then why won't you let me help you?"

"Because I do not need help!"

She's starting to get angry again…and so am I…but I'm more frustrated than angry.

"That's exactly what James said. He said he was going to get clean and do it on his own. Just let the drug work its way out of his system, and he'd be fine. You wanna know what happened? Two days after he told us that, Beth found him passed out on their couch, an empty bottle of pills on the floor."

"Did she find him soon enough? Were they able to save him?"

"He wasn't passed out Linka, he was already dead. Overdosed on Oxycontin. So we've both lost a cousin to drugs."

She doesn't say anything for a while until she whispers,

"I am sorry about your cousin. When did he…?"

"A few months before I joined the Planeteers."

"You barely had time to grieve."

"I know. That's kinda how I dealt with it. This new experience, new people, being away from home…finding different things to focus my attention on," I say to her as I give her a meaningful squeeze.

"It has just recently been a year since you lost James then."

"Yep."

"Are you doing ok?"

"No."

"Is there anything I can do for you?" She asks as she slides her arms around me and rests her head on my chest.

I press my lips to the top of her head and close my eyes as I rest my head on hers, putting my arms more tightly around her. I like this. Why can't it always be this way?

"Don't make me go through that again. Don't make me watch someone I care about go through withdrawal alone. It can't be done. You need help. Please. Let me help you," I practically beg.

She hesitates.

"I… you should not feel responsible for me. I can manage on my own."

No Linka, don't do this!

"Weren't you listening to a word I said?" I'm more hurt than I am angry, but I cannot hide that tone in my voice.

"Da I was listening, but I am not your cousin, or mine. Do not make me into something I am not, I do not have any bad friends, or bad habits to escape from, or were you not listening to me? The Bliss is gone, there is no more and there is nothing else to take, you made sure of that! All I have to do is ride out the illness, just like any other. I do not need help to do that."

"You're wrong." I say quietly. I can't give up on her. I can't give up on us. She's my friend, first and foremost. Why won't she just give in and let me help? Things would be so much easier for both of us.

"There is nothing for you to do Wheeler," she says as she pulls out of my arms and stands up, letting the blanket fall to the floor. "If you want to be a friend, treat me like there is nothing wrong instead of acting like I might suddenly grow a new head, and if you cannot do that, just leave me alone!"

She then runs from the room, leaving me to sit there alone; shocked, hurt, and on the verge of tears.

To Be Continued…

And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Linka's side of the story in Chapter 3 of LouiseX's Co-dependence!