Chapter 4: Day 5

Thank God she left the room when she did. I don't want her to see that her words have made me cry; her accusations, thinking that we are treating her unfairly, telling me that if I want to be a friend, to just leave her alone…what kind of friend turns his back on someone when they KNOW she needs help. She may not know that she needs help, but I know. We all know.

I'm hurt by what she said, but mostly my tears are out of frustration and fear. I'm worried. Just like with James, I'll never know if the next time I see Linka will be the last. And I'm scared. We think we got all of the drugs away from her, but what if we didn't? What if she still has some stashed? What if she's found a way to get some? What if Skumm has one of his cronies sneak onto the island and keeps her hooked?

Yeah, I know…I'm paranoid, and I wish I could trust her, but she's a typical addict…using every excuse in the book 'I don't have any bad friends, I don't have any bad habits.' She's convinced she can just ride out the withdrawal alone and that that she doesn't need help. And now I'm questioning where this leaves our friendship…can it survive this? And where does this leave the team? Can a team of five function when one of them does not trust the others, or if the others do not trust one? I wipe my tears away before leaving the common room…I don't want anyone to see me crying, especially not Linka.

I go back to my cabin to sleep, knowing that I'm going to have a restless night. All I can think about is Linka…how much I want to help her…what more can I do to convince her to let me…Or am I just wasting my time?

I must've gotten a few hours of sleep, but here I am at…6 in the morning, geez!…feeling wide awake. My brain is still working in overdrive and replaying the night before. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. Not at Skumm, not at Boris, but at Linka. She really hurt me.

I can't believe she turned me down. After all that, after opening up to her like that…I thought for sure she'd understand why I NEEDED to help her. Helping her would also be helping myself…I couldn't help my cousin, but I could help her. But she won't let me. And like an idiot, I start crying again. If she doesn't think that she's worth my help, then why should I?!

Who am I kidding? I love her…and not in the "I want to spend the rest of my life with her, can't live without her" sort of way…maybe someday, but I'm too young for that now…I love her as a friend, as someone I'll always care about, and yeah, there's an attraction there and feelings that I've never felt for anyone else…but is that "in love?" Can I be in love with someone who doesn't take my feelings into consideration? After opening up and telling her about James, revealing to her something I've never told anyone else here…and she tells me to leave her alone?

Fine. If she thinks the best way for me to be a friend to her is to leave her alone, then I'll ignore her. When she needs something from me, I won't be there. Then we'll see if she changes her tune.

I punch my pillow in frustration, and then bury my face in it, allowing it to absorb my tears.

"Planeteers, to the Crystal Chamber."

Great.

I get dressed and head for the Crystal Chamber…not surprisingly, the always eager, Kwame, Ma-Ti, and Gi have beaten me there. Linka usually beats me too, but understandably, she's not here. I stand next to them in front of the Planet-vision when I hear footsteps behind me. I turn around to look and my inattention is noticed by the others, who then turn to see that Linka is standing behind us.

"Oh, sorry Linka…I should have been more specific. You don't need to be here, go back to sleep and get your rest," Gaia says.

"What is wrong? I want to help," she says.

"It is nothing major. We can handle it without you," Ma-Ti says,

I'm sure he didn't mean for it to sound mean, but that's how she took it. She acts as if he never even said it though as she defiantly asks,

"What is the emergency Gaia?"

Gaia tells Linka that we are not all needed for this mission and that she had something that Linka could help her with on the island. Linka's too smart for that though. She knew exactly what Gaia was doing.

"Stop it!!" She yells. "I do not need to be babied!"

I listen as Kwame takes a stand, like a true leader, and admonishes her for her behavior. She still keeps insisting that she's all better.

"You need more time Linka. There's no need to risk your recovery for something as simple as this. We won't need to call Captain Planet so you should take advantage of the chance to rest," Gi says.

Linka replies, "I can do this," and I wonder who she's trying to convince…us or herself?

"Yes they are right. We just need to go to this town and convince them that Sly Sludge is conning them and not to buy his latest 'invention,'" Ma-Ti adds.

"Then if it is so simple, let me go! Let me get off this island and set my mind on other things! I can help! Wheeler, please…tell them I am fine."

She looks at me with the sweetest look; a look that would have normally melted my heart and left a smile on my face for days. And then I think back to the night before. Finding her sitting in front of the oven, pouring my heart out to her and getting no reaction, I remember how she hurt me…and now she wants my help? I guess drugs aren't the only thing she's using…now she's using me. She only needs me when it benefits her? I've never been more hurt before in my life…and this is coming from a kid whose father used to smack him around for no good reason. I cover my hurt with anger, just like I did when I was a kid.

"WE DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! JUST STAY HERE!" I yell.

"STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD! I DO NOT NEED YOUR PROTECTION!"

"WELL IF YOU DON'T NEED US, WE DON'T NEED YOU!" I know I'm being harsh. But something inside me wants to hurt her. I want her to know how it feels. I know what I'm doing is wrong, she can't help the way she's acting, but I can. I attempt to apologize.

"Linka, I'm…"

"DO NOT TALK TO ME. All this time, you have said you want to help me, and now you have the chance. All I wanted was to be treated normal and when the time comes for me to get back to normal activities, you turn your back on me…again! All of you! You think I am a burden to the team! Useless! The truth comes out…this is how you really feel."

"No, I…" I try to explain, but Kwame interrupts me.

"Linka, perhaps it is best if you just sit this one out. Maybe next time…" Kwame says.

"Just say what you all are thinking! You want me out. You want to replace me with a more 'trustworthy' team mate, someone who is not a drug addict!"

"We didn't say that Linka!" Gi says.

"You did not have to," she says as she storms out of the room.

"Linka wait!" I say as I attempt to go after her, but Gaia stops me.

"Let her be Wheeler. She knows you are right, but she doesn't want to admit it. She'll be fine once she cools off and once she is better, she will have forgotten all about this."

We finish being briefed on the mission and go back to our cabins to get ready. I am heading for the Geo Cruiser when I pause outside of Linka's door. I need to apologize before I go.

"Linka," I say as I knock. "Babe, I need to talk to you."

"Do not call me that!"

"Ok…but can you please open the door?"

"I have nothing to say to you."

"But I have a lot I need to say to you…and I'd like to say it face to face."

There's no answer and the door remains closed. I resign myself to the fact that I have to speak to her through the door.

"Fine. I don't want to leave it like this…I'm sorry. I was a jerk to you back in the Crystal Chamber, and that's because I was taking my frustration out on you…I shouldn't have done that, and I'm sorry. I don't want you to leave the Planeteers. I want you to be here when we get back, and I want you to be able to come on the next mission. I want you to get better. I understand that you don't want to see me now…but when we get back…do you think maybe we can talk…face to face?"

Still no answer. A list of scenarios is running through my head about what could be going on in there...the worst of which is that she's packing her bags and ready to leave.

"Linka, please!"

"Whatever! Just go on your mission."

I contemplate staying behind. If we don't need Linka on the mission, am I really needed? If we're already short handed by one member, what's another one? No, I can't do that. Sly Sludge may not be the most dangerous of the Eco Villains, but he can be tricky. Besides, how long can it take? We'll be back by tonight, tomorrow at the latest.

I lean my head against her door, listening for movement, hoping that she'll open it to say goodbye.

"Ok. I just wanted you to know that I was sorry. I know I was a jerk, and I hope you can forgive me. Goodbye…Babe."

As we leave the island, I know I am going to have a hard time concentrating on this mission. I shouldn't have left things the way I did with Linka. I should have stayed behind and forced her to speak to me; to let me apologize; to make things right between us. She said she'd still be there when I got back…I want to believe her, but there's this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that there's a good chance she won't be. What then? It should be easy to find her. The only place she has to go is back home to Russia…and surely Gaia could tell us exactly how to get there…unless…no…Linka wouldn't do that. I shake the thought out of my head. There's no way Linka would seek out Skumm to get more Bliss. Right? I have to trust her, and I want to. I really, really want to.

Why is it suddenly so stuffy in the Geo Cruiser? My mouth is dry, my chest is tight. I can't breathe. I feel the sweat trickling down my back, it's a cold sweat. I'm hot, but I'm cold, and I'm sick to my stomach at the thought of abandoning Linka, leaving her there alone. Who leaves a recovering addict alone?! We've been keeping a close eye on her all this time, and now we leave? It would've been better if she were here. At least we could watch her AND she could feel useful. We screwed up big time. I screwed up big time. I don't know what it feels like to have anxiety or a panic attack, but I think this is very close to being one. Even though the Geo Cruiser has one less occupant than usual, it seems smaller…and getting smaller by the second. And this jacket is so freakin' tight! I stand up and take my jacket off, throwing it forcefully into the empty seat across the aisle from me…Linka's seat.

I've now drawn the attention of my teammates.

"Is everything ok, my friend?" Ma-Ti asks.

"Yeah, just hot all of a sudden. Stuffy in here huh? Can we crack a window?" I try to joke because that's what I do when I'm stressed.

However, had I known that my comment would lead to a five minute lecture from Kwame about how opening a window is not an option because of the cabin pressure…yada yada yada…, I wouldn't have made the joke. He must think I'm a total idiot if he thought I was serious.

Thankfully, Gi is not in as preachy of a mood and notices something is up with me.

"You look pale Wheeler. Are you getting sick?"

"I'm not gonna hurl if that's if you're worried about, but yeah, I don't feel so great right now." I'm not even going to bother explaining to them that I'm worried about Linka…they'll probably just think that I'm obsessing over her because they know how I feel about her, or at least they THINK they know.

I lean my head against the window, the glass offering me a little bit of coolness. This will all be over soon. We just gotta take care of Sludge and get back to Hope Island…the sooner, the better.

To Be Continued…

And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Linka's side of the story in Chapter 4 of LouiseX's Co-dependence!