Chapter 8: Day 6 Late Afternoon/Evening

I take her hand and lead her to a spot I had cleared on the beach. I dug a hole in the sand and filled it with fallen branches, dried leaves, coconut husks, and piled it high. I had laid a blanket down next to the hole and had a bag filled with crackers, cheese, and fruit.

"What is this?"

"Dinner…sort of. I figured you might be hungry, but not quite ready for a huge meal. I got stuff that would be light."

"And that?" She asks as she points towards my pile of wood.

"That's to help keep you warm," I point my ring hand at the pile and say "Fire!"

Once the wood has ignited, I walk over to the blanket and sit down, tugging on her hand and getting her to sit down next to me. She does and then holds her hands out in front of her, rubbing them together to warm them by the fire.

"Is the nausea gone?"

"It comes and goes…I am hungry, but also afraid that if I eat…" she trails off.

"It's ok. You don't have to be embarrassed if you get sick. It's just me. I also packed some Ginger Ale. It's supposed to ease nausea. Do you wanna can of it?"

"Sure."

I open the can for her and hand it to her. She pulls down the sleeves of one of the hoodies that I've given her and covers her hands against the cold of the can.

"Oh here, I almost forgot…" I dig further into the bag to pull out a can cozy. It's supposed to keep the beverage cooler, but it also keeps her from having to hold a cold can. I take the can back from her and put it in the cozy. "There ya go."

"Thank you. Yankee you have thought of everything! Do you have a hat stand in there too?"

I wink at her lame attempt at humor and she chuckles.

"Do you want some fruit? An apple maybe?"

"I will try a few pieces."

She takes the apple from me.

"Want me to peel it for you Babe? My Mom used to do that for me when I was sick... it makes it easier to eat you know?"

I cut her apple for her and add some cheese and crackers to the plate.

"Spasiba... I do not mean to be ungrateful Wheeler."

"I know."

She does her best to amuse me and eats some.

"You don't need to force yourself on my account. If you're not hungry, you're not hungry."

"You are not going to be the 'food police' tonight?" She asks.

"No. Not tonight…not ever again. I trust you to make the right decisions as far as your health goes. I know you wanted to do this alone…do it your way…and I'm gonna let you continue to do it your way…but not alone. You're not gonna do this alone. You don't have to."

"I know. I am glad you are here."

I put my arm around her and pull her against my side. She leans into me and rests her head on my shoulder.

"I'm glad I'm here too."

We stay like that for a while, watching the gulls circle around us, hoping for some free food so we toss them some crackers. We see pelicans skimming the surface of the ocean, in search of fish. Linka would tell me a little bit about the birds; where they were nesting, when they last had babies…I guess these pelicans have been around the island for a while, and she'd been watching them. I don't know how she knew they were the same ones, but that's Linka…birds and music are her passion and if she's focused on them, it'll take her mind off how bad she's feeling. Speaking of which…I reach into the bag behind me and pull out her keyboard.

"Think they'd like this?" I ask as I hand her the keyboard.

"How did you…?"

"When I was fixing your door, I snagged it to bring it along with us tonight. I haven't heard you play in a while."

"You want me to play?"

"Only if you feel like it. I just thought it'd be fun."

"Fun to listen to me?"

"Not just listen, but play along," and with that, I lift a blanket to reveal a guitar case.

"I did not know you played an instrument!"

"I don't have much free time, and when I do, I'm doing other things so I don't get many opportunities…which is why I'm not as good as I used to be…so you gotta be patient with me."

"Ok. You start and I will join in."

So we spent an hour just messing around, making up songs with no words, or sometimes I'd add words to make a stupid little song, which would make her laugh…and that sound was better than any music. As she laughs, I can only laugh along and smile at her. I can't stop smiling and I find myself staring. I can see the old Linka. She's in there. I've almost got her. I just hope the old Linka does not shut me out like she used to. I like how things are going now. This is how I'd always hoped it would be.

The sun was starting to set and the fire was getting lower so I got up to throw some more wood onto it. When I came back to the blanket, I saw her shiver and wrap her arms around herself. I grabbed the blanket that had previously been covering the guitar case, sat behind her, wrapped it around her, and held her tightly. I can't help but notice how tense she is. I wonder if I'm making her uncomfortable.

"Is this ok?"

"Da."

"Ok, just making sure cuz you seem a little tense."

"I am fine. Just…" she sighs before continuing. "I cannot seem to relax. My muscles are so tight."

"That's part of the withdrawal. It's because your body is missing something. It wants something it can't have."

"But I do not want it."

"I know you don't. But your body is feeling dependant on it…that's normal. You know better, but the feelings are still there."

She lets out a humorless laugh.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing."

But I have a feeling I know what the laugh was about. I could have been talking about "us."

I let it go and move my hands to her shoulders and begin kneading at her muscles, moving down her back, then back up to her neck, back to her shoulders and down her arms as we watch the sun dip below the horizon and disappear.

"Better?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Lay down on your stomach."

She turns her head to look at me, but I can't tell what she's thinking. Then she decides to do as I say.

I sit astride her hips and start rubbing her lower back. I once again move up her back, repeating the path over and over until my hands are sore and I'm sure that she is feeling less tense.

I sit back on the blanket and she sits up, resuming her previous position between my legs. She shivers once again and I wrap my arms around her.

"That was nice."

"Glad I could help. Are you tired? Maybe we should head back to our rooms."

"Nyet! I…I am not tired."

"Ok. Just let me know when you're ready," I say as I rest my chin on her shoulder.

"I do not think I will ever be ready. I…I am afraid to sleep."

"Because of the nightmare?"

"Da."

"That's understandable," I whisper, turning my head and brushing my lips against her ear. She shivers again, so I pull her closer, crossing my arms across hers and rubbing them up and down for warmth. "I'll stay out here with you as long as you'd like."

"Spasiba."

"Anything for you Babe."

Then I remembered what Kwame said, did it seem like I was taking advantage? Was the massage too much? Did I go too far? Should I not be holding her like this? Should I stop nuzzling my nose in her hair or kissing her temple? I'm not trying to make a move…it just feels natural…for comfort…Hers as well as mine.

We stay like that until I notice that her breathing has slowed and her body has gone limp. She's asleep. Good. She needs to sleep. I continue to hold her as long as possible, letting her get as much sleep as she needs. Unfortunately, I also start to get drowsy. I contemplate waking her up and going to bed, but I can't bring myself to disturb her. Instead, I gently lay her down and curl up behind her. I make sure that the blanket is securely around her before falling asleep.

I wake up hours later when I take a deep breath and am met with the sweet smell that is distinctly Linka. I'll always associate that vanilla scent with her. I open my eyes to see that she is nestled up against my chest, facing me, one arm draped over me, her head buried in my shoulder, and my leg thrown over hers, holding her to me. I wonder if she's been sleeping this whole time, or if she woke up in the middle of the night to notice our position. I know that this is not the position she was in when I feel asleep. I briefly think that she's waking up when she snuggles closer to me, but then I realize that she's just trying to get warmer. I'm also feeling a bit chilled so I look over at the fire pit to see that the fire has gone out.

"Damn."

I point my ring at the embers and whisper, "Fire" but nothing catches. There's no wood left to ignite, so I smoothly disentangle from her embrace, and scoop her up into my arms. She stirs briefly and murmurs something, but I didn't quite understand her…I think it was Russian. She rests her head on my shoulder and I carry her back to her cabin.

I lay her down in her bed, remove her shoes, and pull the covers up over her. I make sure that they are tucked tightly around her to keep her warm, and just to be safe, I grab another blanket from her closet to lie over top of her. I lean down to kiss her cheek and whisper,

"Sweet dreams Babe."

I start to leave but then hesitate…maybe I should stay. She's sleeping peacefully now, but what if she has another nightmare? It would be best if I was close by. The sooner I can wake her from the nightmare, the less she has to suffer through it. I'll just sleep in this chair. I lean my head back and it's rather uncomfortable. If I sleep like this, I'll definitely have a sore neck in the morning. So I take my sweatshirt off and roll it up into a ball, using it as a pillow…but now that I'm shirtless, I'm cold. I go back to her closet and get another blanket. This one looks like someone knitted it, perhaps this is hand made by her grandmother? I hope Linka doesn't mind me using it, but it's the only other blanket I see. I sit back down in the chair and settle in for the night. It's not long before I fall asleep.

To Be Continued…

Don't forget, you HAVE TO read Linka's side of the story in Chapter 8 of LouiseX's Codependence.