Chapter 9: Day 7
In the back of my mind, I hear a noise, it's enough to wake me, but not startle me. I can tell from my position that I'm not in my room. I open one eye to check out my surroundings…Linka's room. I see her laying in bed grinning at me. Then I put two and two together. The sound I heard was her laughing…it's a great sound to wake up to. I open my other eye and sit up. I return her smile as I stretch and say, "Good morning Beautiful. Sleep well?"
"Da. The best night's sleep I have had since I got home."
I can tell she's not just saying that. She really means it. Good. I'm glad she had a good night's sleep. I wish I could say the same. I slept well, but just as I suspected, my neck is killing me. I try to work out the kinks by stretching and rubbing it…it's nothing a hot shower won't fix, I guess.
"Come over here," I hear her command.
"Yes Ma'am," I reply as I get up and sit beside her on her bed. "What can I do for you?"
"Sit straight and face ahead of you," she says and the next thing I know, she's kneeling behind me, her delicate hands melting away all the soreness and stiffness…in my neck, that is.
This feels so good. I can't help it, I'm humming my approval. She moves to my shoulders…maybe I should've put my shirt back on. Her hands on my skin feel electric. Never in a million years did I think I'd ever get the chance to give Linka a massage, let alone have her give me one in return. And now she's leaning over my shoulder, her face next to mine.
"Better?"
I turn my head slightly causing our foreheads to touch. I was expecting her to pull away, but she doesn't.
"Yep. We should make a habit of this; it could come in handy after long missions."
"Good idea," she agrees.
I'm still waiting for her to pull away like she always does…but she doesn't. This would be the perfect opportunity to kiss her. All I have to do is tilt my head upwards…just a bit…Don't make me be the one to make the first move Babe. It's gotta be your decision.
Neither one of us is making a move; I don't want to leave her feeling awkward so I change the subject. Pointing to the blanket that I slept with, I say,
"I hope you don't mind my using that blanket… you brought it from home?"
She pulls back and looks over at where I'm pointing and I sense a hint of disappointment in her voice…or maybe I'm just imagining it.
"Da, my grandmother made it and you can borrow anything; you do not have to ask."
What?! I can't hide my shocked expression. Linka is an organizational freak. If something is moved or removed from its proper place without her knowing, she gets pretty mad. I was surprised that she didn't bite my head off for taking her keyboard out of her room and bringing it to the beach last night. Then she shocks me even more by joking,
"Anything except my clothes, I do not think I could deal with that right now."
I laugh, not expecting such humor from her, but I like where this is going. I like that we can joke and be so comfortable with each other.
"Don't worry Babe, that's really not my thing." Then I reach out to pull at the shirt she is wearing. "Though I do have a thing for you wearing some of mine."
Was that too much? I pull away so that she doesn't think that I'm trying anything. I need a distraction. Then it dawns on me…
"You wanna come for a run with me?"
She nods her head and says, "I thought I was supposed to rest though."
"Actually, light exercise is good for you… don't worry we'll keep it gentle… if you want to that is," and immediately, I regret my word choice…it was kinda suggestive, unintentionally of course…Maybe before I would've, but not now. Hopefully she doesn't even notice. Uh oh, she's rolling her eyes…busted.
"Wheeler, stop worrying so much! If I do not want to do something I will tell you."
Yeah, I know! Believe me, I know all too well.But at least now I know that she rolled her eyes because she thought I was being over protective again, not because she thought I was being flirty.
This wasn't a good idea. We're hardly working, I haven't broken a sweat, and she's struggling to keep up. She's trying so hard though. She just can't do it and it's gonna kill her confidence. And as if on cue, as soon as I think that, she stumbles and falls. Did she just trip, or did she black out? I rush to her side as quickly as I can.
"Are you ok Babe? What happened? Did you trip over something? Are you hurt? This was a stupid idea, I'm so so so sorry!" I resist the urge to take her into my arms, hold her, and kiss away her tears. Good thing I don't though because I would've been in the way when she slams her fist to the ground and huffs,
"It is not fair!"
She's crying and my heart is breaking as she continues,
"I have always kept myself in shape! What if this is permanent, I will be a liability, maybe the others are right after all and I should just give up."
"No, don't talk like that. This will get better. You just need more time. We need to work up to it though…your body is still recovering. Maybe we should have started with a walk around the island instead of a run, or other strengthening exercises that are more stationary…something to help your muscles get stronger before you use them so strenuously. A stationary bike, or a stair machine. You're not a liability...don't ever think that. I'm gonna help you get better. I'll get you through this…I swear," I feel like I'm wasting my breath. It doesn't even seem like she's listening to me.
"What has Boris done to me, Wheeler? I do not know who I am anymore."
I can barely understand her through her sobs, but I can see the pain in her eyes. I've never seen her as sad and helpless as she is now and all I can do is brush the hair away from her face. The loose strands are clinging to her cheek where they have fallen into the tracks of her tears. She's so angry, I'm expecting her to pull away and refuse my attempt at comforting her. When she doesn't, I give into my initial urge to hold her. I pull her into my arms and hold her tightly as I press my lips to the side of her head and whisper,
"I know who you are. You're the strongest, most determined, most stubborn, person I know …and I'm gonna help you remember that. You're beautiful, inside and out. That hasn't changed. What happened to you wasn't fair…but don't you dare think you're anything less than you were before. You're gonna get through this and you're gonna be a better person because of it…you've already made me a better person because of it."
She doesn't say anything in response, but she tightens her grip on me and nods her head…in agreement or thanks? I keep holding her until she's calmed down. I hope that what I've said has sunk in. I hope she knows that I mean it. It's hard to gauge whether or not she knows I'm being sincere because for the first year that I've known her, I've always been a joker. The only thing I haven't been joking about was liking her…and even when I did try to express it, I guess it came across as not being serious. I sigh heavily, thinking of all my regrets and missed opportunities…and now there's this…the closest we've ever been…so many opportunities to be alone with her, to tell her all the things I wanna say, but never did…and once again, something stops me. I can't do it. She's scared and confused enough as it is. I don't need to be adding any other feelings into the mix.
She looks up at me and has an apologetic look on her face. She starts to apologize…for what? For being human? For having emotions? For having a well deserved cry and questioning 'why?' In my opinion, it's long over due.
"Ssssh, you have nothing to be sorry for Baby," I say as I place a kiss gently on her forehead. It's the second time in as many days that I've called her "Baby," instead of my usual "Babe." I know it's a little more intimate than any of my other pet names for her…but it feels ok…it feels right…and so far, she hasn't seemed to mind…if she's even noticed.
As much as I hate to end this, it's time to move on.
"We'd better pick up our instruments; I had to leave them on the beach last night… I covered them up before you say anything," I make sure to add that last part before she has a chance to rip me a new one! But she just laughs instead. Another crisis averted…in more ways than one.
When we get back from the run, we go our separate ways to shower. Not surprisingly, I don't take nearly as long as she does, so she told me that she'd meet me in the kitchen when she was done. In the meantime, I make her some toast. I have no idea what type of spread she likes. I can't believe, all the things I notice about her, I've never paid attention to my second favorite thing in the world, food! Second only to Linka.
So I cut up the toast in small bite sized pieces and put a variety of spreads on it and make up some excuse about it "being more fun." She seems to buy that excuse…or if she doesn't, she at least humors me!
"Kwame and Ma-Ti picked up the mail," I inform her as I nod towards hers. I used to separate the letters into piles according to who they were addressed to, but then I started to feel bad because Linka and I had the biggest pile and everyone else had only a few. So now, I take the majority of our mail out, then take hers to her cabin for her and I do the same with mine…that way, it looks like we're all getting the same amount. What the others don't know won't hurt them!
I go back to fixing myself some breakfast while Linka goes through her mail. My back is to her, but after a while, I sense that something isn't right. In the back of my mind, I'd been aware of all her movements, even her breathing…which has stopped. I turn quickly to look at her. She's white as a ghost, and staring at me. How long has she been waiting for me to notice her distress. I remove the frying pan from the stove and throw it into the sink, my scrambled eggs completely forgotten, then rush to her side.
"What is it? What's wrong?" I look down at the letter which she is clutching in her trembling hand. I can't read it, partly because of the way she's holding it, but mostly because it's in Russian. I put my arm around her and pull her against my side, letting her know that it's ok to cry. I'm here now. And while she stiffly leans into me, she's still not crying, even though I can tell she wants to. Ok fine, if she doesn't want to talk, I'll do all the talking and guessing until I get a clue…some indication that I'm getting closer to finding the answer.
"That's from home. Linka…is everything ok? I mean, obviously, it's not or you wouldn't be so upset….just tell me…I'll do what I can to make it better Babe, you know that by now right?" I say as I kiss the top of her head.
Now she breaks down and starts to cry, burying her face in my chest.
"Nyet, you cannot make this better. Not this time. This is where my world completely starts to fall apart."
"Then I'll be there to help you put it back together," I reply as I move to kiss the side of her head.
"You will?"
"Of course. I'm not just here to get you part way through this. I'm here to get you through all of it. I'm in this for the duration…and even afterwards…if you still want me to be."
That was a pledge and an offer….and a question. I don't know if I'll get an answer. I don't even know if it's fair of me to be expecting one. I just want her to know that I'll always be here for her. In good times and in bad because the bad times have been rough, but we've gotten through it together and in between the bad times, there've been some really good times…no, some really great times.
I pull back and take her face in my hands, brushing away the tears.
"Do you still want me?" I ask as I look into her eyes.
"Da."
I smile and pull her into my arms again, holding her tightly as she buries her face in between my neck and shoulder.
"Good…now, can you tell me what all this is about? What's got you so upset and what can I do to fix it?" I whisper against her ear.
She looks into my eyes and says,
"It is Bor... I mean my Grand... that is, my Uncle."
She's struggling to compose her thoughts. She bites her lip as she gathers her thoughts and I can't help but think how cute it makes her look. I rub my hands up and down her arms to sooth her and let her know that I'm here for her. She continues,
"My Grandmother wrote to tell me that Boris's funeral is in a couple of days."
She's still having trouble saying the words. All I can do is keep physical contact with her and let her continue at her own pace. She's forcing out the words.
"She says my Uncle is very distraught and other than bringing Boris' b... Body home and booking the ceremony, is leaving the arrangements to her but he will not tell her what happened, other than that I was there..."
Her eyes are filling up with tears and she's trying to keep composed, but she's losing that battle.
"What can I tell her Wheeler? How do I explain to my Grandmuska that I watched Boris die?! That I was too Blissed Out to save him... that now too I am an..."
I don't need her to say it. I don't' wanna hear it. I pull her tightly against me and kiss her temple again. I'm so angry that she's gotta go through this…and I'm so sad for her. I can't stand seeing her this way. I know for her sake, I can't express how much I hate this whole thing…how I hate her cousin. She has to be able to feel how tense I am through the way our bodies are pressed together. My anger and tension eases a bit when she puts her arms around me and returns my embrace. I know she doesn't need me to say anything, but I feel like I need to say SOMETHING.
"It wasn't your fault. She'll understand, you'll see."
After a few minutes of staying like that, I can feel her start to relax as she more or less leans into me instead of holding on for dear life.
"You don't have to go you know?" I know this is a dangerous suggestion, but I think it's for the best. "You could just write back to your grandma and say you're too sick."
She shakes her head, but our positioning causes it to be more like she's nuzzling my neck. Not that I mind. I like being able to hold her like this.
"I do not want to go, but I need to go."
Then she pulls back to look up at me, her eyes practically begging me to understand.
"I loved my cousin, Wheeler. I cannot forget the boy I grew up with. No matter what he did, I need to mourn him, I ca..."
She hesitates, so I kiss her forehead to encourage her to continue and whisper, "Go on Babe."
"I cannot bear hating him!" She cries, forcing the words out as she begins sobbing again. "I want to forgive him, I need to forgive him! I just do not know how!"
Once again, her little body is shaken with sobs as she hides her face in my chest.
If she can't forgive him, how am I expected to? I know Boris is just as much a victim of Skumm as Linka is…but he did this to her! And now she has to face her family…with none of them knowing what happened to Boris. How he's responsible for his own death…and how he could have been responsible for Linka's too. Maybe I'm to blame. I'm a Planeteer. I should have saved him. Then Linka would not have to be going to his funeral, or facing her family. Boris would be getting the help he needs, and I'd be helping Linka…and it'd be much easier to help her if she wasn't dealing with the pain and undeserving guilt that she's feeling from his death. But this isn't about me and how I feel. I have to get Linka over this obstacle. Then I can deal with my own feelings of guilt.
"Hush," I say softly, rubbing her back and rocking her gently. "Babe, it's natural, you have nothing to feel bad about."
"Da I do," she exclaims. "Skumm used Boris to get to me, because I am a Planeteer and he used him to try to get rid of us. If Boris had not been my cousin he would still be alive, fighting to recover from Bliss, but alive! I know that but I still resent him! Why? Why do I hate my own cousin when he is the one that paid the price for it?"
I can't take it anymore. She can't blame herself for this, especially when if she's to blame, then I'm just as much to blame. She was under the influence…I was completely sober and I still couldn't save him. She needs to stop blaming herself. It's not healthy.
"BECAUSE HE SOLD YOU OUT!" I yell. My anger isn't directed at her, but still, she pulls away from me. "Damn it Linka, what does it take? He betrayed you, that doesn't make Skumm any better but you're entitled to be angry with Boris!"
Even though she's stepped away from me, I won't let her go. My hands have slid down her arms and I'm now holding her hands. My tone softens as I try to get through to her.
"You love him, the way I loved James, so you'll forgive him for screwing up, eventually."
I know I'm lying. I've never fully forgiven James for what he did to our family. The pain he's caused his wife and kids. The sadness it brought to my grandparents and my aunt and uncle…losing a child…I know what Linka's Uncle Dmitri is feeling because I saw James' parents go through it. But she needs to think she can forgive him…maybe one day she'll be able to. She's a better person than I am.
"Give yourself time Babe," I say tenderly as I tug at her hands, indicating that I want her to come back to me…back into my arms where I can keep her safe. She obeys my wishes and leans her cheek against my chest as she puts her arms around me.
"Don't go to the funeral. Please? Don't put yourself through that. When you're all better we can go visit his grave and..."
"Nyet," she says firmly. It's the most defiance I've heard from her in a long time. "I must go, for myself and for my family."
No, this is not the answer I wanted from her. How can I make her see? There's nothing I can say to change her mind…I know that. I tighten my grip on her, trying to muster up the strength to say what I'm about to say.
"I know you're probably gonna be mad at me but I have to say it... you're not ready for this."
For a second, after seeing a brief flash of anger in her eyes, I see comprehension. I think she's considering what I've said.
"I know," she whispers. "I cannot go alone." She pulls back and looks into my eyes. "Go with me? Please?"
Was she serious? She was asking, practically begging me to go with the way she was looking at me. I look down at her, staring right through her.
"Of course I'm going with you! You don't even have to ask! There was never a question of whether I would or wouldn't." I put my hand behind her head and pull her against me, bending down slightly so that her chin is resting on my shoulder. I turn my head to speak softly into her ear, "The only way you're going is if I go with you! I don't agree with your decision, but there's no way in hell I'm gonna let you go through this alone!"
I know my words sound overbearing. I know she doesn't need my permission to go anywhere, and I know she doesn't need a babysitter.
"I'm sorry, that sounded…"
"Nyet," she says as she pulls back and presses two fingers to my lips. "I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that you will not make me do this alone…that even if I wanted to, I cannot get rid of you!"
She says that last part with a sly, almost flirtatious smile. It's a welcomed sight considering all the crying she's just been doing. Not knowing what else to do with my hands, I rest them on her hips.
I nod and when she removes her fingers, I say,
"Haven't you figured it out yet? You CAN'T get rid of me. You've been trying to for the past year, but I'm still here!" I say with a smile.
She grasps my face in her hands and pulls my head down towards her, placing a lingering kiss on my forehead, and says,
"And for that, I am forever grateful." We smile at each other and stand there in silence until she says,
"I better start packing."
Already? We've still got time before we have to leave for the funeral…but Linka is pretty anal and always has to be prepared ahead of time…or maybe she's just looking for an excuse to get away from me after her uncharacteristic show of affection.
"Yeah, me too."
She steps back, running her hands down my arms, and takes my hands in hers. She begins walking away, holding onto my hands as long as she can, until our fingertips slide out of each other's grasps.
"And I was not trying to get rid of you…I was trying to resist you," she says as she walks out the door.
All I can do is smile and quietly, but triumphantly, say out loud to no one but myself, "I knew it!"
To Be Continued…
Don't forget, in order to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Linka's side of the story in Chapter 9 of LouiseX's Codependence.