Alpha: I can't with this one…oh god…

Inner Thoughts

Eyes of the Beholder (Light/Hope)

Blue eyes known to be cold like ice, hold the fiercest glare demanding respect and when the light hit her irises just so, shimmered with flecks of green; crinkled with mirth as she quietly flipped another page in the book. These days, she wore glasses to see, eyesight wasn't as sharp as it used to be.

"Like emerald crystals."

It was what he used to say to her. She never took his word for it, though years later she would find herself staring up close at her eyes, trying to see the 'beauty' he saw. For he had stopped telling her, stopped admiring her. He turned his green eyes to another. Eyes like brown sugar with the sweet spice of cinnamon. Almond shaped and hair like midnight, texture like the hairs of a newborn babe.

Another page flipped and she laughed good naturedly at a photo taken many years ago. A moment in time when the whole gang got together to meet after five years apart; right after they saved the world. The laughter made the many wrinkles she accumulated over the years more pronounced around her baby blue eyes and around lips that had thinned from the firm thickness of youth. The luster and pink glow they use to have were lost now in time.

She took a good long look at her hand. The one she used for turning the pages in Serah's photo album. Her hand spoke of a woman who lived a long life, with lots of experience, wisdom, hard times, wonderful times. It was wrinkle, like the rest of her, from old age. The smoothness of young flawless skin, making way for skin that lost the elasticity of the young, with many cracks and lines making grooves in the skin. Her hand was callused, well it was always that way, she couldn't remember a time when the palm was soft and smooth, docile, feminine, something to drive a man wild. Though there was only one man she's known that loved her hands…use to love her hands. She never minded the rough feeling of her hands, it came with being a battle harden veteran all her life.

Her age wasn't something she dwelled on for too long. She didn't like those small moments when she would begin feeling regrets. She wanted to know when she finally passed on to meet her dear sister and some of her friends in heaven, she would not take any regrets. Staring at her hand made her recall memories she mentally fights to remember until the day she dies. Old age was said to make one senile and she was too stubborn to be beaten by forgetfulness, always kept a sharp mind, even at seventy-five. She flexed her fingers, the feeling was a weary ache and movement, slow. Her fingers were a little bent out of shape, due mostly to getting arthritis in the joints. It was not like she would be able to wield a gunblade anymore.

Long retired from the Guardian Corp, not from choice but from an injury sustained on the job thirty-four years ago. Even to this day, she was regarded as a hero and given highest honors for her active service in the GC.

She gave off a soft sigh, looking at another picture. This one making a plethora of mixed feelings resurfaced. The smile on her face was a war between happy, sad, regret…She had to be about twenty-eight then and he was celebrating his twenty-first birthday. Subsequently when the picture was taken, it would be the last time she would see him until thirteen years passed by.

He had moved on from her or so she thought at the time. He found a woman, five years younger, twelve years younger than she. The girl's beauty was to be envied, and she was exciting, vibrant, lived life to the fullest, everything she was not. How could she compete with that? He was just beginning his trip into adulthood, while the girl was on the cusp of hers. And she? She was pushing thirty, already showing signs that her hair would turn almost gray before she hit thirty-five. The light red strands, once beautiful like a full pink rose in bloom were soon to wilt with discoloration from age. Her eyes, even then were beginning to wrinkle from the bags she kept from overworking and stress. She always saw herself as old, even acting it when in truth she was just in her prime; but she wished she knew then what she knows now.

And the icing on the cake? That woman filled the spot where she should have stood, by his side…being his wife, having his four children…because…because she wouldn't have left him! Dying of an incurable illness so young, making him grieve. Leaving him to care for their children alone.

But was it so bad as what she did to him? Between her and that woman, it was a bit of mercy. Where as she was still alive, still around, and a constant reminder of a broken heart. She pushed him away. And for a while he was stubborn and would not heed. And yet she pushed, and pushed, and pushed until he was finally fed up. He left her alone because he thought it was what she wanted. It was what she thought she wanted too.

The truth of the matter? She was scared and insecure about herself, about how much she denied her real feelings for him. She convinced herself that he didn't know what love was and that he wasn't truly in love with her, oh how wrong she was. Looks like it was she who didn't know anything at all. And when she's at last ready to give in to her emotions, it's already too late and he has someone new. And she wallows in her own self pity, going through a string of lovers that only lasts for a night. And after her pity party, she shuts everything out and goes through the motions of living on auto-pilot. An autonomous cycle of work, sleep, work, sleep, work, sleep, and so on and so forth.

But then he returns to her, coming to help her, to take care of her when he heard of her injury that prevented her to work. Around the time, he loses his wife. And she embraces his return after thirteen years of absence. And for a time they helped each other. She's never had children of her own but she helps him raise his as if they were her own. She had helped Snow and Serah raise her nieces and nephews, she use to baby-sit Dajh for Sazh. They all said she would be a good mother; she never gave it much thought until now.

But she wished she could have had at least bore one child for him, when they had melted into the passion of each other's arms. Seeking solace and old confirmations of hope that love still lingered. She always looked into his eyes. He was older and more wiser and beginning to look more like his father than his mother as the years passed. And she would snicker at the irony that as a boy in his youth with naturally white hair, darker strands of color would start popping up. Hues of dark grays and a little of the sandy brown that his father once had. But his eyes would always be the same. Those glorious beautiful green gems that held such love for her and almost pained because of that love and knowing it will never be returned. Because she knew she couldn't replace his late wife and it was too late, for her.

So the fantasy of being together with him ended as soon as it began. Like before, she was the one who pushed not wanting false hope, not wanting to believe what she saw in his eyes was real for her. He was wiser now and understood. And she wished he wasn't so. He thanked her and walked out of her life again. And she still was not strong enough to run after him to make him stay.

Seven years passed again and he returns. Sweet Serah leaves them, meeting Sazh, their parents, his wife, Fang and Vanille…and the baby that would have been if not for the still birth. It leaves just her, him, Dajh now an adult, and a broken Snow who had his children and even a few of their children to comfort him.

He had comfort her, he always has. He had stayed with her long after everyone left, standing there in the downpour, as night began to descent on them, cold and freezing, giving their final respects to her sister.

And then he left again.

But every year for about a few months, he'll stay with just her. And when she was with him, hmm, he made her feel young all over again. The lovemaking was like it was their first time, heated, full of lust and passion. And sure she was older and his hair was graying, but his eyes still remained the same. And they looked at her, even with her appearance, he still somehow managed to make her feel beautiful. But he long ago stopped telling her the words. But that was just fine, she knew deep down the feelings were still there.

Fifteen years of being with him, she finally tells him after so many years that she loves him. And she sees his smile and she's made him happy and now he can know he can rest in peace. He has a sickness on top of his golden years they don't know how long he will live.

So she takes advantage of the time he has left with her. Though she doesn't think she can take going to another funeral, she snaps at him that's he too damn young to be going out like this before her, he only laughs at her, telling her that joke is way overdone and that he's just as old as she.

She doesn't want to be alone and he tells her she won't be alone.

A year later, they lost Snow; she didn't think she had ever cried so hard and he is getting weaker from sickness. But he's determined to hold out for her. Because he doesn't want her to be alone—

"Claire?"

There is a slight shake of her shoulder. She opens her baby blue eyes to him. Reading glasses up on her nose, she must have fallen asleep. Strangely, she feels weaker than usual. She can't put her finger on it.

"What are you doing up? You shouldn't be up on your feet, bad for your heart."

He laughed, "When are you going to start worrying for yourself for once Claire?"

She scoffed, "What is there to worry about, I'm still here probably for another five good years and who needs to worry about some old dried up evil hag who throws manadrives at naughty kids who need to stay off my lawn?"

They both smirked, "I knew I should have never told you about that," Lightning cracked a smile. It was quite cruel but the most fun entertainment she's had in a long while. Serve those delinquents right. Not her fault they don't learn what those devices do the first time around.

He sighed though, "And how many times must I tell you, you're only as old as you feel. It doesn't matter how many wrinkles you gain, how much your skin gets pasty, or your breasts sag—"

"Hey watch it!"

"Or gray your hair gets Light, I still find you beautiful. You'll always be beautiful to me and I want you to know that I love you, that I always have and always will," he sat down next to her, taking her hand within his own, squeezing gently. He felt her squeeze back, but it wasn't as strong.

"I love everything about you, have since I was fourteen, and your eyes Light, they always remained the same, even now they still sparkle a pretty blue and when the light hits the irises just right, I can see the swirls of green in them. Like emerald crystals."

She knew and prayed that his feelings for her were still there, deep down and they were. It finally took her fifty-five long years of denying herself the happiness she could have had with him from the start to come to terms that he really loved her. Loved her more than his late wife; she never lost the place in his heart he had for her. She was his everything.

She was beginning to feel her eyes water, "You know if there was a way to turn back time, I would do a few things differently. But I'm glad that I got a chance to do things right before I wasn't given the time to."

He gave her a wry grin, hiding the obvious strained sound in his voice while he looked at her. She looked more tired than he's ever saw her.

"Come on Claire, you're starting to sound like you'll kick the bucket soon, you still got more birthdays to celebrate with your nieces, nephews- grand nieces and nephews."

She chuckled, "Perhaps, but I want you to know, I'm thankful. Thank you for putting up with me all these years, loving me all these years, I'm glad I got to know you Hope."

She squeezed his hand as tightly as she could with all her strength, she suddenly felt the last of her regrets leave her, she wouldn't feel bad when she finally meets the Maker, "My, I feel tired. I think I'm going to rest right here for a little bit before making dinner."

Hope watched her close her eyes as she rested. She had a serene smile on her face. He hadn't seen that smile since saving Cocoon. The hold she had on him weakened and then fell limp. He could barely feel her pulse now. He smiled sadly, moving to stand and kiss the woman one last time on her forehead. He knew in a few hours she wasn't going to get back up.

"Rest now Claire, you most of all deserve it."

Alpha: I'm sad again…I made myself sad…