Happy Indepedence Day to all my fellow Yankees! Have fun, enjoy your picnics, be careful with the fireworks (can't type without fingers!), and drink responsibly (Don't set it down and let someone else run off with it!).

Chapter 17: Day 9, Evening continued

A pat on the shoulder? What was that? Like she's an old buddy? That was probably the lamest excuse EVER to make physical contact with her! I shouldn't have even done anything at all if the best I could come up with was a pat on the shoulder! I might as well have punched her in the arm like she was "one of the guys." Lame lame lame!

While I'm busy mentally beating myself up, kicking at the sand, I don't even hear her come up behind me until I feel her hand brush down my arm. And then I make a fool of myself by jumping out of my skin. I turn around, clutching my chest, feigning a heart attack.

"Damn, we need to put a bell around your neck!"

"Sorry," she says shyly.

"It's cool. I was just lost in thought and didn't think you'd be ready so soon."

I take the opportunity to look her over. She still hasn't put on the weight she's lost, and seeing her in a swimming suit is even worse than seeing her in regular clothes. I try to keep the look on my face neutral, but I don't think I succeeded. Linka takes her towel and wraps it around her shoulders.

"Maybe this is not a good idea…I am not feeling like being out. It has been a long day."

"I know…which is why you need to relax, wind down, and take your mind off things…let me do this for you."

"Ok."

I take her hand and lead her towards the jungle.

"I was thinking later, we can watch a movie…if you're not too tired. I'll even let you pick!"

"Really?"

"Yep."

"You are only saying that because you think I will fall asleep and then you will switch it to something you like!"

"I would never!" I say, feigning shock.

"Riiiiiight."

"Seriously though…ladies choice…if you're feeling up to it."

"Da…but I hope you will not hold it against me if I fall asleep during."

"Nah, I won't hold it against you…however, I will hold you against me…uhhh, to keep you warm, I mean."

"Of course…" she says. Did she sound almost a bit disappointed? I'm probably just imagining it. "But if I do fall asleep, you cannot change the movie. You have to keep watching it…and if I wake up to find that you switched movies, I get to pick the movie for the next ten movie nights!"

"TEN? How about five?" I counter offer.

"Seven."

"Fine. Just remember, I'd never pick anything that I didn't think you wouldn't also enjoy."

"You think I enjoy watching scary movies?" She asks.

"Well don't you? Isn't it the perfect opportunity for you to hold onto my arm and pretend you're scared, but really, you just wanted an excuse to feel my muscles!" I joke.

"Wheeler, you are the one that always ends up being scared! You go back to your cabin and sleep with the light on! Which, by the way, is very un-Planeteer-ish," she teases.

WHAT? Me? Scared? No way! I can't believe she'd think that! I mean, yeah, sometimes there's weird, unexplainable noises made by the wind, or animals on the island, or the creaking of trees or the shutters on my cabin…but I grew up in New York! Now THAT'S scary…just because I'm not used to the sounds made in nature and…ok, maybe after watching a scary movie, my imagination is a little over active, and yeah, sometimes sleeping with the light on keeps away the shadows…but sleeping with the light on is not something that is new to me. I used to do it all the time when I was a kid…when my old man came home drunk and started wailing on Ma and me. When the light was on, I could see everything. No sneak attacks in the dark. No dark figures creeping through the shadows. When he came after me, at least I saw it coming. But these thoughts are too dark to share with Linka, especially after today. She's had enough darkness. Now is time for her birthday celebration.

I maintain the light mood by vehemently denying that I keep the lights on because I'm scared, and instead use the excuse that I just fall asleep with the light on because I'm so exhausted from staying up all night. I can tell by the look that she's giving me that she doesn't believe me for a second! I'm about to make a joke about being touched that she cares enough to look over at my cabin to check up on me. I want to ask if maybe she's hoping that I'll come over and keep her company, or maybe she was considering coming over to my cabin so I could continue to protect her from the spooks in the movie, but it's too late because we've arrived at our destination.

"The hot springs?" She asks.

"Sound nice?"

"I cannot believe I did not think of this sooner. It sounds wonderful."

I go in first and completely submerge myself. This feels great after a stressful few days.

"You comin' in or what?" I call out to her.

She drops the towel from around her shoulders and quickly gets in, not wanting to expose her thin figure any longer than necessary.

"How is it? Feel better?"

"Da. A little."

"Just a little?" I ask, disappointed.

"Well, it is warm, but I still have a headache…and I am not allowed to have any medicine," she says pointedly.

I swim to the edge and take a seat on a rock.

"C'mere," I say as I motion for her to take a seat as well.

She sits between my legs and I place my hands on her shoulders, and begin squeezing as I rub my thumbs in circles along the base of her neck and between her shoulder blades, applying pressure to the tense muscles there. Her hands are resting on my legs and whether she realizes it or not, she's running them up and down my calves.

I can see her shoulders relaxing with every rub. I move my hands to her neck and use my thumbs to massage the base of her skull. She leans her head forward, stretching out the taunt muscles. After focusing on that spot for a while, I move my fingers to rest on her temples and being making slow circles there. Now she's leaning her head back, resting on my shoulder as I continue to try and rid her of her headache. And now because of her new position, her hands have moved up to my thighs. She's so close. And I'm 18 and in my prime; I can't control the thoughts that I'm having. If I just turn my head, my lips would be against her neck. My nose is already just fractions of an inch away, breathing in her sweet scent. I can feel my own breath glancing off her skin. I know that if I kissed her there one of two things would happen. She would melt even further into me and we'd both completely lose control. Or I'd completely freak her out, misread all signals and ruin not only our friendship, but seriously hamper her recovery. She'd be back to going through this alone because she wouldn't want to be anywhere near me. And as much as I think she wants me to, I can't take the chance that I'm reading the signals wrong. I sigh heavily, take one last deep breath, and brush my nose against her neck as I lean my head back, away from her body. She continues to lean back into me, so I move my hands up and down her back, gently getting her to lean forward, away from my "preying lips" which are about to develop a mind of their own, so I can knead the muscles along her spine and lower back. Never thought I'd be the one pushing Linka away.

I can feel a difference in the muscle tightness compared to when I first started. I finish by going back to massaging her temples, applying just the right amount of pressure to relieve her headache.

"Better?"

"Da…that was…nice."

Yeah, it was nice for me too.

"Good. And it worked? You're not just saying that?"

"Nyet, I am not just saying that. It definitely worked. My headache is gone and I do not feel as tense."

"Well, a big part of your headache problems is probably coming from the muscle tension in your neck. Anytime you get a headache, just let me know. We'll take care of it before it gets too bad, ok?"

"Ok."

"I mean it. As soon as you start to feel one coming on, come find me if I'm not already with you. The sooner we can get a hold of it, the better."

"Da, ok."

She sounds…I don't know…like someone who's not happy that they just had a great massage. Her short, clipped answers make her seem distant. Did I do something wrong? Did I make her uncomfortable? She moves off the rock that we are sitting on and just as I am about to get off the rock as well, she stops in front of me, her back to me.

"Wheeler…why…"

It seems like she wants to say something more, but she either can't, or she won't.

"'Why' what Babe?"

She turns to face me and from where I am sitting and she is standing, we are at eye level. She takes a step closer so that she's standing between my legs, bracing her hands on the rock on either side of my hips.

"Why won't you…" she leans in, but stops. Is she waiting for me? Why won't I what? Kiss her? Take her into my arms and never let her go? Make her forget that Bliss is the name of a drug and remind her that it's also a feeling of pleasure, ecstasy, delight and happiness. I hate Skumm for ruining that word. For taking something so beautiful and ruining it…sort of like he did to Linka. Except she's not ruined. She's a little broken, but she's healing. I'll do anything for her. Anything she needs me to do. I guess the only way to find out what she wants, is to ask. So I swallow the lump in my throat.

"Why won't I what?" I ask as I also lean in, waiting for her to close the final distance and anticipating the moment that our lips touch.

"Wheeler?" I hear Ma-Ti's voice in my head and pull away suddenly.

Linka looks at me, her mouth hanging open in shock and confusion. She didn't hear him? He was just talking to me. I hold my ring up to my head, not because I need to, but just because it'll get the message across that I've got company.

"Yeah Ma-Ti?" I ask, trying to keep the anger out of my voice.

"Have you seen Linka? No one has seen her around and she is not in her cabin."

"Yeah I've seen her. She's with me."

"Where are you?"

I fight the urge to say "none of your business!" But instead, I answer truthfully. "We're at one of the hot springs, just relaxing and unwinding after the funeral."

"How was it?"

What a dumb question! It was a funeral!

"It was a lovely service."

"That is good. Dinner is ready. Should we be expecting you?" He asks.

"Umm, I don't know. I guess we probably should be heading back." Since things are undoubtedly going to be very awkward here after yet another near miss.

Once the connection is closed with Ma-Ti, I turn to Linka who has ventured further away from me to the other side of the hot spring. She has submerged herself to the shoulders, probably to keep warm.

"Umm, that was Ma-Ti."

"Da, I figured that out," she says sarcastically.

"Right. Sorry. Uh, dinner is ready if you…"

"I am not really hungry…but I suppose if I do not go, I will be force fed."

Great. She's in a bad mood again…how do I fix this? Just support her and agree with her I guess.

"You can go back to your room if you want. I'll tell them you were tired from the trip, which is completely understandable, and I'll bring you dinner. You can eat what you want and you know I won't be scrutinizing it like they will."

I see her sigh in resignation. She doesn't want to admit that I just had a good idea. She's mad at me and I have no idea why. For almost kissing her…again? Or for not kissing her sooner.

"We can stay here if you want…or if you want to be alone, I can leave…"

"Nyet, we can go. You are probably hungry."

"I'm fine. We can stay if you'd like." I'm starving. I haven't eaten since this morning and I don't normally go very long without eating.

She gives me a look like a mother would give a child who was just caught in a lie. She knows my eating habits too well.

"Or maybe we should go…it's been a long day and it's getting late," I say.

"Fine."

I climb out of the hot spring then offer her my hand to help her out. She ignores it and climbs out on her own. I pick up her towel and hold it up for her to step into, she tries to take it from me, but I pull it out of her reach, wrap it around her, and then use it to pull her towards me.

"Don't do this," I say as I pull her against my body and wrap my arms around her to keep her warm.

"What am I doing?"

"Pushing me away."

"I could not push you away if I wanted to. You have me tangled up in this towel."

"You know what I mean."

"What do you want me to say Wheeler?"

"I don't know."

"Neither do I," she says as she pulls away by pushing off against me and begins walking back towards the beach.

I pick up my pace to catch up to her.

"Ok then…what do you want me to say?"

"I…I do not want to tell you what to say. I did not think I had to…you always have an answer for everything."

"Not this."

"What has changed? Am I not the same person? If I was not dealing with this withdrawal and we were just out here for a swim…"

"But you ARE dealing with the withdrawal…and be honest…do you think we would even be spending this much time alone together if you didn't need me? No. Things would be like they've always been…and I would give anything for things to be like that again."

"You would?"

She sounds shocked when she asks. I guess I need to explain.

"Yeah, cuz it would mean that this whole thing never happened to you."

She gives me a weak smile, but it's hard to tell what she's thinking.

I wanna tell her so badly how I feel. But she's dealing with enough right now. I don't want to put any pressure on her, or make her feel like I'm expecting anything in return…like the other night on the beach when I gave her a massage, then the next morning, she gave me one. Was it because she wanted to, or because she felt like she had to because I spent the night sleeping uncomfortably in her chair? I may never know.

"We should go so we don't keep the others waiting to eat dinner."

"You will still tell them that I went to my room and then bring it to me?" She asks.

"If that's what you wanna do."

"Da."

"Ok. Let's go."

I wanted to take her hand, but she's using both of them to hold the towel around her shoulders, so instead I rest my hand on the small of her back and walk her home. I guess we won't be watching any movies tonight.

To Be Continued…Don't forget, in order to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Linka's side of the story in Chapter 16 of LouiseX's Codependence.