Chapter 18: Day 10, Early Morning

I should be exhausted. Technically, I'm still on "Soviet Union time." It's probably about 8 in the morning there, which means I've been up for over 24 hours. I can't sleep though. I know it's because of what happened at the hot springs earlier.

Dinner was okay I guess. I did as we planned and brought Linka's dinner to her room for her. I was unsure of what to do when I got there…did she want me to stay and eat with her? Or should I drop off her food and leave? So my plan was to just bring Linka her food, and then see where things when from there. If she wanted me to stay, I'd say that I had to go get my food from the kitchen because I couldn't carry both her meal and mine…and if she doesn't want me to stay, then I'll have a excuse to leave, "gonna go eat my dinner now."

When I got there, the first thing I noticed was that she had put my present to her back on. I was a little disappointed when I saw that she took it off. Maybe she just didn't want to risk losing it, which I guess means that she likes it. That makes me happy. When I bought that charm bracelet, I knew that I'd be buying her a new charm for it for every birthday and Christmas, just like I told her I would. What I failed to mention was how long I planned on doing it…when I was looking through the charms, I saw initials and birthstones. I imagined that years from now, I'd be picking out charms like that…for our kids. God Wheeler! Snap out of it! You're such a freakin' girl! I needed to stop being so emotional and get my mind back on track so I started making small talk. Cracking lame jokes because as I've said before, that's how I deal with things when I'm nervous.

She asked if I had already eaten or if I'd be joining her. I guess that answered my question. She wanted me to stay. I told her I would be eating with her and went back and got my plate. Linka ate more than I thought she would. Maybe the nausea is starting to ease up. That'd be nice. Of course, I don't know if she was able to keep it down because she chased me away. Well, not really…I'm sure she really was tired, so it was a legitimate excuse. She asked for a rain check on our movie night. In a way, I was relieved. We were okay, civil towards each other, but something still hung in the air between us. I really wanted to continue our conversation…to get things out in the open…maybe, I don't know…get back to where we almost were before Ma-Ti interrupted. Or maybe we needed movie night to have an excuse to be close again…to sit close, to put my arm around her, to wrap ourselves in a shared blanket and cuddle…to keep her warm of course…and maybe see where things went from there…if she was willing. She seemed like she wanted to at the hot springs. But does she really want to? Maybe it's like that thing where people who are held captive start to have feelings for their captors…Oslo? Helsinki? Ah-ha! Stockholm Syndrome! Maybe it's something like that, only I'm not her captor. I'm more like her…protector? Caretaker? I guess that's a good way to describe it. So anything that she may think that she's feeling for me are just simply feelings of gratitude. And it just doesn't seem right to take advantage of that…it's not fair to her, or me. I'm already in trouble. Things are changing between us. For the good…for now. I just can't shake the feeling that once she's better, things will go back to the way they were between us. Which I can live with, I guess…as long she's better…I keep telling myself that…eventually maybe I'll start to believe it.

I've been pacing this whole time. I just now noticed that Linka's light is on. Did it just turn on? Has it been on a while? Is she okay? Should I go check? Does she need anything? No, I'm over reacting. She doesn't want me there. I asked her if she wanted me to stay, but she insisted I leave; go sleep in my own room and get a good night's sleep. Yeah, that's soooooooo not happening. All I've been doing is thinking of her…worrying. At least if I were there, I'd know she was close by, that I'd be close to her if she needed me…well, not me but something I could do to…umm, FOR her.

AAAHH! I can't even think straight. Maybe she can't sleep either. Maybe she's sick.

Maybe I could just sneak out and peek into her window…just to make sure everything is okay. No! That'd be so wrong! If she caught me, she'd be freaked out and probably never want me anywhere near her again! Maybe I already did freak her out. I sort of tucked her in. I was attempting to get her to reconsider sending me away. Once she got in bed, I pulled the covers up over her shoulders, making sure to keep the warmth in and then, something in me, a want, a need, a dormant fatherly instinct coming to life…whatever it was that made me do it, I leaned down and kissed her goodnight on the forehead. The whole time, I was thinking to myself "Let me stay Babe, let me stay" as if the words could travel from my brain through my lips and to her brain, then somehow she'd change her mind. But even though I linger a little longer, she doesn't ask me to stay.

I even take my time leaving her room, and she still doesn't ask me to stay. I guess this is it. Time to go. She doesn't want me, or need me…message received…I guess it's a good thing though. If she doesn't need me, she must be feeling better. We're back on the road to normalcy. The way things were. Just friends. Always just friends.

Her light has been on for a half hour now. I haven't seen any movement coming from inside her room. Maybe she's just lying in bed reading a book…but what if she fell asleep? She'd probably feel bad knowing that she left the light on all night. Maybe I should go over and shut it off…then if she's still awake and questions me about it, I could just say that I was just trying to be a good Planeteer. I wouldn't be checking up on her, not obviously anyway, just doing my job.

NO! Stop hovering! I'm just gonna go back to my bed, lie down, and force myself to go to sleep. I'm gonna shut my eyes and not open them until tomorrow. I must be more tired than I thought. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I am out.

The knock on my door woke me up. At first I thought I dreamt it when I didn't hear anything more. Then the door slowly swung open and I saw Linka poke her head in.

Seeing her sends a rush of adrenaline through me and I raise myself up on my elbow, concerned at what could have brought her here.

"What is it? Is something wrong? Are you ok?"

She nods then comes inside, closing the door behind her.

"I am sorry for disturbing you."

"It's fine Babe, I told you to call me if you needed me," I say, trying to remain cool and not let her know how excited I am that she's here. "So what can I do for you? Has your headache come back? Do you need another massage?"

Please say yes, please say yes! Tell me you changed your mind and want me to come back to your room. Tell me you need me.

"Nyet."

No? I have to stop to think what question she was answering. The ones I was asking in my head. No, she doesn't want me to come back to her room? No, she doesn't need me? Oh, right, I asked if she needed a massage. Damn. I really wanted a reason to touch her. I don't know what to say. She still hasn't told me why she's here.

"I do not want to be alone. Can I sleep with you?"

WHOA!

"In bed?" I ask.

What a stupid question. I'm just so surprised. She didn't just ask if she could stay with me, she asked if she could sleep with me.

"That is usually where people sleep," she says, looking at me like I'm an idiot.

Great. I better clarify what I meant so she doesn't think I'm totally brain dead.

"No I mean…do you just want me close by? You can have the bed of course…I'll grab a sleeping bag…" I start to get out of bed, but then remember that I'm only wearing boxers.

"Nyet…I do not want you to have to be uncomfortable on the floor. I just did not want to be alone…I can sleep on the floor, just tell me where your sleeping bag is…"

"I'm not gonna make you sleep on the floor. It's drafty down there. I'll take the floor."

"Nyet, I cannot let you do that. I should not have come here. I am sorry for waking you," she says as she turns to leave.

Before she gets to the door though, I call out to her.

"Linka…wait."

She stops and turns to look at me. I slide over to make room for her on the bed and pull the covers back, a silent invitation to join me.

"…if this is alright with you."

She looks at the bed, then at me and she blushes. Crap! Once again, I forgot I'm only wearing boxers and they're riding pretty low around my hips.

"Um, da."

"Oh, uh…I…I can put on a pair of pants or something."

"Nyet…it is fine. If this is how you sleep and are comfortable, I do not want to make you hot or uncomfortable."

Uh, too late. And I know I really should get up and put on a pair of track pants or something, but it's so damn hot! A little rain shower rolled through a while ago and now it's very humid. Linka can't possibly be cold tonight.

She slides under the covers with me, and we both look at each other, sharing an awkward smile and chuckle uncomfortably. She lays down flat on her back, her hands folded over her stomach as she stares up at the ceiling. I don't know what to do, so I do the same as her. Never mind feeling awkward…now I'm just plain uncomfortable. I can't sleep on my back. Never could. So I turn onto my side, my back to Linka…but that just seems rude…although, I'm not quite sure what the proper etiquette is for sleeping with the girl that you've had a crush on for the last year…a serious crush…not just "wow, this girl is hot," but more like "wow, this girl is hot and I want to spend every second of my free time with her and make her the happiest girl in the world." So here I am. In bed with my best friend, who just so happens to be the object of my affections…and I can't do anything EXCEPT sleep. Besides, I can't sleep on this side. My OTHER side is the side that I sleep on. So I turn over to face Linka, who is still lying on her back, seemingly fascinated by my ceiling. So much so, that it forces me to look up to make sure there actually wasn't anything interesting up there. She looks over at me, smiles, and stops staring at the ceiling. I attempt to break the tension with a joke.

"You know, after discovering my carpentry skills, I was thinking about putting a skylight up there. What'dya think?"

"Uh, da…that would be nice…pretty view."

"Not as pretty as this view," I say sincerely, not even thinking clearly when I reach over to brush her bangs away from her eyes.

Uh oh…I did it again. I crossed a line between "helpful friend" and "over the top flirting."

"Sorry," I apologize, and then change the subject. "And I was just kidding about the skylight…I'm not nearly good enough to do that! Every time it rained, I'd get leaked on for sure!"

"You could do it…if you tried. I know you can do it."

"Thanks."

"And you did not need to apologize…but you also did not need to lie either," she says sadly.

"Lie? About what?" Not really putting in a skylight? It was just a joke.

"About the 'pretty view.'"

Oh.

"I wasn't lying. I shouldn't have said it because it was inappropriate, but that doesn't mean it's not true."

"You do not need to say that. I have seen what Bliss has done to me, to my body. I know what the lack of sleep and pain has done…left me with dark circles under my eyes and a sunken in ashen look."

"Did you ever think that maybe I can see past that?"

"You can?" She asks.

"Yeah. I know what's on the inside. And I admit, when we first met, I liked what I saw…I never tried to hide that fact."

"Nyet, you did not," she smiles, perhaps recalling our first meeting, just as I am doing.

"But the more I got to know you, I knew there was more to you than just a pretty face."

"Like your cousin did with his wife?"

"Yeah, like that." We lay there in silence for a while. "You know, you're one of the best friends I've ever had…"

"And you are mine."

"So then…this shouldn't be so weird right?"

"Da."

"I mean, we fell asleep on the beach with no problem."

"Da."

"So maybe we should…uh, try that?"

"Going to the beach?" She asks.

"No. Um, unless you want to. But I meant more like…this…" I say as I roll closer to her, slide my arm under her head, and drape my arm over her midsection, pulling her onto her side and towards me, recreating our positions from a few days ago on the beach.

"Is this alright?" I ask.

"Mmm hmm."

"You're comfortable? I mean, sleeping on your side? That's good for you?"

"Da, this is…good," she says as she lays her hand on top of mine.

"K…Good night Babe."

"Good night Yankee…thank you for letting me stay with you."

"You're welcome. Thank you for trusting me enough to come to me."

"There is no one else that I trust more."

The only response I have is to smile…I know she can't see me, so I hug her a little more closely to me. I know she's still suffering from chills so hopefully this will also help take care of that problem for her. I place my leg overtop hers, running my foot up and down to generate warmth. She moves her feet so that they come in contact with my bare skin. They are ice cold, so I cover her feet with mine in an attempt to keep them warm. I hope it's not too forward, but she doesn't seem to mind. I'll hold her for as long as I have to, for as long as she wants me too. I'm just glad she's here, drifting off to sleep in my arms.

"Linka?" I whisper, unsure if she's still awake.

"Da?"

"Happy Birthday Babe."

"Da…it was," she says as she places one of her hands in mine and laces our fingers together, while the other runs softly up and down the forearm which is snuggly tucked around her midsection. "Goodnight Yankee."

"G'night Princess," I say as I give her a little squeeze.

When she asked to stay with me, I thought I was hearing things. She wanted to stay with me. And now here I am. With her. In my bed. Me…With her…did I mention that yet? I wonder if she can feel my heart pounding? It's practically beating out of my chest. She has to feel it, because her back is against my chest. I'm in bed…with Linka. One arm around her midsection, holding onto her, and her arm is draped over mine, holding it in place. My other arm is under her head and she's holding my hand, her fingers intertwined with mine. I'm spooning with Linka. And I think I'm about to have a panic attack. I've never been this nervous around a girl before…and it's not like I've not had girlfriends…maybe it's different because Linka's not my girlfriend. She's my best friend. I don't wanna ruin this. But at the same time, I want nothing more than to turn her over so that she's facing me and kiss her until I pass out from lack of oxygen.

I wet my lips and swallow hard at the thought, then take a deep breath…big mistake. Damn, she smells good. I know she's sleeping so I allow myself to nuzzle my nose in her hair…this would be creepy if it were anyone else. Speaking of addictions…I could very easily find myself addicted to her. If we kissed, I wouldn't be able to stop. I'd wanna kiss her every day, as much as possible. I'd never wanna let her out of my sight or out of my arms…kinda like now. I don't wanna fall asleep. I wanna remember this; savor it as long as possible. So I try to think of things that'll keep me awake.

My first thought is of a time shortly after we joined the Planeteers. It was when we almost had our first kiss…a jungle in Thailand. I close my eyes and picture her face. It was so easy. She was concerned about splitting up in groups and not sticking together. All I said was that I like the idea because it was the first chance we had to be alone. She didn't blow me off; she didn't ignore me, or roll her eyes and dismiss my advances. And when I stepped closer to her, she didn't move away, she moved closer, she looked up at me and smiled, then she leaned forward, a little last second hesitation, some shyness, but she wanted it to happen just as badly as I did, and we were gonna kiss…and that would've changed our lives. We would've been together and maybe I would've went with her to DC to visit her uncle. Then Boris wouldn't have gotten her addicted to Bliss because I would've been there to protect her. I pull her closer. I'm holding her as close as I can, and it's still not close enough.

It's been over a year since that first "almost kiss." After that, I was hopeful. I thought, "Ok, it didn't happen then, but it almost did, so it's gonna happen soon." The closest we ever got since then was a few days ago when she had her nightmare…and then Kwame interrupted. There's no one here now. No mechanical dragons, no well meaning, but bad timing teammates. What if I kissed her cheek? Would the movement be enough to wake her up? And after she wakes up and I look into her eyes, I'll brush my fingers across her cheek and lean down to kiss her. Gently at first, our lips gliding over each other's, and then more intensely, covering her mouth completely with mine. What if…?

But I can't. She's not ready. She needs me to be here for comfort, and I can't let my own selfish feelings get in the way of that. I don't want to scare her away. I don't want her to think that she owes me anything. When we finally do kiss for the first time, I want it to be because she wants to, not because she feels she has to because she thinks it's the only way I'll stay. How can I tell her that I'll always be here without making it seem that I'm pressuring her for more? I'm here unconditionally.

I snuggle closer to her as I start to get tired, pressing my lips to the back of her neck. Just once…ok, twice…ok, for real, this is the last time, I swear. I didn't think her skin would be so soft. Thank God she's asleep. She'd kick my ass if she knew what I just did.

"Goodnight Babe," I whisper against her skin. I said it once already tonight, but I wanted to say it again. I like the way it feels. I wanna say it every night. I close my eyes and think about how much my feelings for her have changed in the past few days. Not long ago, I said that I loved her, but it wasn't the "I can't live without her" sort of love…that I didn't know if I was in love…I didn't know if I'd ever been in love. Now I know the answer to that question; Yes I am, and no I haven't been…until now. This isn't just nice, holding her like this…it's something I could get used to…and if I get too used to it, it's gonna be something that I'm gonna wanna do every night for the rest of my life…I think I'm already there. I nuzzle in closer to her, pressing my lips one last time to the spot where her neck curves to meet her shoulder, and smile against her skin. I'm on the verge of sleep so I take a deep breath and as I exhale, I let out the faintest confession that no one will ever know about except me…"I love you."

To Be Continued…Don't forget, in order to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Linka's side of the story in Chapter 18 of LouiseX's Codependence.