Chapter 21: Day 10, Evening

I flop down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. I'd just gotten back from Linka's room, doing a very unpleasant task…packing a bag for her to take to DC with her…back to the rehab facility where all the other Bliss addicts were being treated. I tried. I really really tried to help her. I thought I could do it, but I was wrong. And perhaps my own misguided sense of self importance was what got us here…just because my cousin was an addict doesn't make me an expert on curing them. Sure, after he died, I went over and over in my head all the things that I could have, should have done differently to try and save him…but there's no guarantee that that would have worked…and obviously it wouldn't have…all my brilliant ideas haven't worked with Linka.

I get up out of bed…I can't just sit around and do nothing…I can't just dwell on my failures as a friend. I need to do something. I start pacing my room…what to do? What to do? I keep replaying the events of last night in my head…the things we said to each other. The look on her face…

I must really be upset…I'm cleaning my room. I straighten up the drawers that Linka rummaged though the night before…not that they were very neat to begin with. I look around my room...to others, it might appear to be a mess, but to me, it's organized chaos. I know exactly where everything is. Including the sandwich bag full of pills which are safely tucked underneath a lose floorboard in my closet…which is also where I keep that stash of magazines that Linka alluded to a few days ago…was it just a few days ago? It seems like weeks.

Looking around at my messy room, I'm kinda embarrassed about what a pig pen she must think I live in. Even if we hadn't fought, she'd probably never want to stay in my room again. Linka has a healthy sort of OCD when it comes to cleanliness and order. I remember overhearing Gi say before we left to drop Linka off in DC that if you looked up perfectionist in the dictionary, Linka's picture would be there! It's true. It's also under the words "beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, wonderful, amazing, breathtaking, and brilliant." And the root word of perfectionist is, 'perfect' so of course that word is…uh, was fitting for her. I need to stop thinking like this…I'm having a really hard time being mad at her.

I pick up the picture that Commander Clash took of all of us. We all got a copy…I framed mine so that I can look at it all the time. We had to squish together to fit in the shot, so of course I used that as the perfect excuse to put my arm around Linka. She didn't push me away. She didn't even make a sarcastic comment. I put the picture down next to the photo album I had shown her. I open it up to a random page. Of course it would have to be the one with James and his family. I wonder what that's like? Loving someone so much you can't live without them, so you marry them. Then you have children and that love comes together and creates something that will forever bond the two people together. I wonder if I'll ever have that. I close my eyes and can still see James' family picture…only it's not James in it…it's me. And Beth has been replaced by Linka. Even after I open my eyes, I can still see it. The mind is a cruel thing. It knows that Linka will never be the woman in that photo…and because of that, I'll never have my own "family" photo. I'll just be me and my parents every year…maybe I'll get a dog…or two. That'll be my family. Linka and I will never happen. Not now…and for some reason, it's all I can think about.

I close the album and go back to my task of cleaning up. She must have really been desperate to have gone through my underwear drawer. She was really digging. My "special occasion" boxers are no longer buried at the bottom. I was hoping that maybe someday, we'd…she'd…oh, forget it Wheeler! I put them back at the bottom because I don't think I'll be wearing them any time soon.

I was so engrossed in my cleaning that I didn't even notice the Geo Cruiser landing. It wasn't until I heard a soft knock at my door that I realized Gi and Linka were home. I was shocked when I heard it. I never thought she'd be the one that came to me. Maybe this will be easier than I thought. I open the door, fully expecting to see Linka, but instead it's Gi.

"Oh…hi Gi, I wasn't expecting you."

"Oh really? Who were you expecting then?" She asks.

"Linka…duh." I couldn't hold back my childish retort…Wasn't it obvious who I'd been expecting?

"Why would she come to see you after what happened last night?" Gi asks angrily.

Why is she so mad about it?

"She told you?" I'm shocked.

"Yeah, of course she did. I'm her best friend."

No, I'm her best friend. She told me so last night when I told her she was mine.

"Well, that's good I guess. At least she's admitting she was wrong," I say.

"SHE WAS WRONG? WHEELER! You think she did something wrong for not responding to your advances?"

"Well, yeah…WAIT! WHAT? Advances? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't act all innocent with me! Kwame was right! You were just trying to get closer to Linka! She needed you! She trusted you! She thought you were her friend!"

"I AM her friend! And what do you mean 'Kwame was right'? He thought I was taking advantage of the situation, but I wasn't! You can't possibly think the same thing!"

"Linka told me what you did! How she came to you last night for comfort and company…and you tried to make a move on her!"

"WHAT? No, I…" Oh no! What if she was awake when I was kissing her neck and nuzzling against her? "She told you that's what happened?"

"Yeah, so there's no use trying to deny it."

"I…I didn't know she was awake…and earlier, at the hot springs, I thought she wanted to…she was mad when we didn't…"

"Wait…you took advantage of her while you thought she was sleeping?"

"I…I guess…if that's how she sees it. But I honestly wasn't trying to force myself on her. I guess I was just enjoying her company too much. That's probably why she didn't wake me up when she had her headache…why she was looking through my drawers for medicine…she didn't want me touching her."

"Touching her?"

"Her headaches…they're from the withdrawal. She's got all this tension in her muscles. I'd give her massages to ease the tension and rub her temples to get rid of the headache."

"Why not just give her a pain killer? All she wanted was a simple aspirin."

"I know Gi! But you were one of the ones that were so adamant about getting rid of ALL the medications on the island. I was just abiding by the rules set by you and the all knowing Kwame! When I woke up and caught her going through the cabinets, I yelled at her. I accused her of using me, of wanting to sleep in my room, just so she could look for drugs."

"You yelled at her?"

"Yeah. I was pissed. Still am. Regardless of what I did, she still used me. She came to my room saying she didn't want to be alone. What was I supposed to think Gi? And I behaved myself. I didn't pressure her…I thought she was asleep. If I'd known she was awake, I would have never done that. She came to me. And the fact that she was awake the whole time…it just proves that she was WAITING for me to fall asleep so she could go through my things."

"I don't know what to believe," Gi says.

"Believe me! Linka's not herself. She lied to me last night, and she lied to you today. I'm curious…what exactly did she tell you that I did to her?"

"Well, it took her a while to come out with it, and she started off by blaming herself, saying it was her fault. She had a really hard time saying it…like she was trying to protect you. Then she went on to say how you'd had an argument. That she was cold and lonely, all she wanted was company but you got the wrong idea."

"Ok, it was pretty much accurate until that last part. She did come to me, but I never once thought that it was going to lead to something more. I EVEN OFFERED TO TAKE THE FLOOR! She insisted that I stayed in my own bed and was ready to leave…but I could tell that she didn't want to be alone. So I offered for her to get into the bed with me, but ONLY to sleep. She crawled in, we lay there awkwardly, NOT TOUCHING I might add. We'd fallen asleep on the beach a few days ago. She was having a hard time getting warm, so I built a fire on the beach and I gave her some of my hoodies to keep her warm. We had a light dinner and sat there by the fire. She was still cold though, so I held her to keep her warm. She fell asleep in my arms. I didn't want to risk waking her, so I just lay down on the blanket. That's how we slept until I woke up after the fire had gone out and it was cold. So I carried her back to her room and put her into her bed. We were comfortable together on the beach, so I figured, what's the difference now? So I suggested that I hold her like that again…I ASKED HER IF IT WAS OK! She didn't object and she didn't hesitate. If she would've seemed uncomfortable for even a half a second, I would have just gotten up out of bed and let her have the whole thing to herself. I'd still be close by so she wouldn't be alone, but we wouldn't be weirded out by sharing a bed. So that's how we slept. Spooning…and yeah, I dropped a few kisses on her neck, but I didn't get carried away or throw myself on top of her and ravish her if that's what you're thinking!"

"She said that you must've gotten the wrong idea when she said that she wanted company and thought that it was the way that she said it, but when she stopped you, you accused her of using you. That she had been leading you on all this time, but she insisted that she would never use you, and thought that you were trying to help her out of friendship. She thinks that you must've thought it would turn into something more after she had gotten better."

"I've always wanted there to be something more between us. Everyone knows that…but I also hoped that everyone knew me well enough to know that I genuinely care about her. Why in the world would I risk having her hate me by taking advantage of her or pushing her to do things she wasn't ready for? I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than as nothing at all. What she's saying doesn't even make sense!"

"I guess so. I didn't really think about it from your point of view…I was just so angry and defensive when she told me…but if what you're saying is true…she lied to me. Why would she do that? If all she wanted was sympathy, she already had it. She didn't need to make up lies."

"I guess she wanted to get to you before I did. She wanted you on her side and to be angry with me before I had the chance to tell you what she did…that she was the one that used me."

"So now what? Do I keep acting like I believe her?" Gi asks.

"No. We can't play into her illusions. She needs to get professional help. She needs to go back to DC. I thought she could rehab here…I thought I could help her…but I can't…it's too much. If she's going to get better, she needs professionals. She's pitting us against each other, don't you see? She's been shutting you all out as long as she had me…and after last night…after I caught her, now she's looking for your support and sympathy. She shunned it before. She didn't want it…you gotta ask yourself… 'Why the sudden change?' Because she's looking for an ally, someone to take her side; that's why."

"I was kind of shocked when she wanted to go shopping," Gi admits. "She's hardly said two words to me since the whole ordeal in DC…and then today when she wanted to go shopping…I guess I was just happy that she came to me…I wanted things to go back to how they used to be."

"Me too Gi," I say sadly. "There's only one way that can ever be though…and she's gonna hate me for it…but it has to be done. Tough love right?"

"Do you want me to come with you? I could get the others too," she offers.

"No. She can't feel like we're ganging up on her…I just need to know that you guys are going to support me on this and not let her trick you again."

"I can't believe she'd do that to me…that's not the Linka I know."

"That's not the Linka any of us know. The real Linka is still in there…I've seen glimpses of her…more often than not. We can get her back."

"Do whatever you have to Wheeler. You have my support."

"Thanks."

I did my best to keep my cool while Gi was there. I'm actually pretty impressed with how well I did. But as soon as Gi left my room, I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. My ears were getting hot. I was fuming. How dare she? First she used me to look for drugs, then she made up lies about me…lies that Gi, and probably the others were very quick to believe. That hurts more than her using me last night…that she would ruin my reputation when I'd been nothing but a perfect gentleman to her. How many times could I have acted on my feelings and kissed her in the last few days? Several times, multiple times a day. There've been so many chances, so many opportunities…and I was getting the impression that she wouldn't have resisted. Judging from how mad she got at the hot springs when I didn't kiss her…I KNOW she wouldn't have resisted…but I did. I fought with every emotion inside me, all the feelings I've developed for her over the past year, and I controlled myself. Well I'm done. I've lost control.

I storm out of my room, slamming the door behind me. I'm stomping my feet so hard, they are getting stuck deep in the sand, making it hard for me to walk. By the time I get to Linka's cabin, I'm out of breath and furious. I don't even bother knocking. I angrily push the door open, slamming it off the wall so hard, I have to stop it from flying back at me. Linka looks up at me in shock, but the look on her face can't compare to the look on mine. I can't believe what I'm seeing. The rage inside me can't be contained. I'm blinded by it.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" I yell.

Before I know it, I've got my hands wrapped around her wrists, violently yanking her up off her bed so that she's standing in front of me. She gasps, whether it's out of shock or in pain, I don't know and I don't care. I continue to grip her wrists and hold her closely to me, even as she struggles to get free. As she tries to pull away, I lean down and press my forehead to hers, locking eyes and forcing her to look at me.

"ANSWER ME DAMN IT!" I seethe through clenched teeth.

She tries to turn away, but I just hold her tighter and move my head with hers every time she turns away. I wish I had another set of hands so I could hold her hands and the drugs in them and hold her face steady so I can force her to look at me. I back her up against the wall, using all of my weight to hold her into place. She can't escape. She's not getting away. And if I can't use an extra set of hands to hold her still, I'll use something else. I'm not letting her go until I have answers.

"LET GO OF ME WHEELER!" She finally says as she tries to push off of the wall and back me off of her.

"NOT UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING?"

"WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE? I AM NOT GOING TO BOTHER DENYING IT!" She screams back at me.

"WHY NOT? YOU'VE GOTTEN PRETTY GOOD AT LYING…YOU HAD GI PRETTY CONVINCED!"

"I HAD TO DO IT!" She's not even bothering to deny it and she's not backing down from arguing. Well, neither am I.

"NO YOU DIDN'T!" I yell, pressing my head more firmly against hers and yanking at her wrists.

Oh my God…am I turning into my father? How far will I go to prove a point?

"WHEELER, YOU ARE HURTING ME!"

Her words get to me; snap me out of my rage. I never wanted a woman I love to fear me like my mother feared my father. I promised myself I'd never be like that. I loosen my grip just a little,

"YOU HURT ME!" I reply. I can feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. When did I start crying? I can't let her see me like this…give her the satisfaction of seeing what she's done to me.

I drop her hands with a throwing motion, and press my weight against her one last time before angrily pushing off and turning away.

"Go ahead," I say, defeated. "Take them. Take them all."

"You do not even know what they are! It is not what you think!" She pleads.

"Does it matter what they are? They sure as hell ain't aspirin! And where did you get them?"

"Stop treating me like a child! I do not need to explain myself to you!"

I wasn't going to back down until she answered me.

"Where. Did. You. Get. Them?"

"When we were out…"

She's lying again. I whip around and grab the hand holding the pill bottle and shake it in front of her face.

"Don't freakin' lie to me! These are prescription! Gi would have never taken you to the doctor to get you drugs! And this bottle doesn't have a label with the doctor or pharmacy name on it. So if you didn't get them from a doctor or pharmacist, you must've gotten them off the streets!"

"Nyet, I did not!"

"Well you sure as hell didn't get them legally!" I say as I take the bottle from her hand and throw them across the room.

"CHYORT VOZ MI WHEELER! THEY ARE ONLY ANTI-DEPRESSANTS!"

"ONLY? ONLY? THEY'RE NOT AN OVER THE COUNTER MEDICATION LINKA! YOU NEED A DOCTOR TO WRITE A PRESCRIPTION FOR THEM. Taking those is worse than taking headache medicine!"

"BUT IT IS NOT BLISS! IT IS NOT A BAD DRUG MADE BY SKUMM!" She slumps her shoulders, defeated. "These were made to help people."

"Do you even want help Linka?"

"Da! Of course I do!"

"I tried to help you, but I can't do it anymore. And you can't do this alone. You need more help than what any of us can give you on Hope Island."

"What are you saying?"

"You need to go into rehab to get treatment."

"Nyet…"

"YES! You're going to DC…to the clinic with the rest of the Bliss addicts. I've packed a bag for you."

"NYET!"

I continue on as if she hadn't said a word.

"And when you get there, if there's anything that I forgot, or that you'd like to have, just call. We'll get it to you."

"YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! YOU CANNOT RUN MY LIFE AND MAKE DECISIONS FOR ME!" She yells.

"SOMEONE NEEDS TO TAKE CONTROL! If you're not going to do what it takes to get better, it's time we forced you."

"You lied to me! You promised!"

Lies? She wants to talk about lies? I begin the rant of a lifetime:

"You wanna talk about lying? Fine Linka, LET'S TALK ABOUT LYING! When did I misunderstand what you meant about wanting company last night? When did I get the wrong idea and make unwanted advances? When did I accuse you of leading me on? I must've missed that. Refresh my memory! Was it when I stood by your side at your cousin's funeral? Was it when I stood up to your uncle when he made up lies about you? Was it when I massaged your tense muscles to ease your pain? Was it when you came to me for comfort? Was it when I held you in my arms to keep you warm? Tell me please! Because I never thought I did anything that you didn't want me to do! I thought I was being a friend. I tried my hardest to JUST be a friend when all I wanted to do was hold you and never let go, tell you how beautiful you are when you sleep, kiss you until all you could think about was not needing Bliss, but needing me instead! Everything I did was to show you how much I cared!"

I'm no longer yelling, I'm still arguing, talking loudly and passionately. Now I just wait for her answer. I'm not expecting what comes next. She starts yelling.

"You never cared about me; all you wanted was to make yourself feel better because you failed to save James. Well guess what Wheeler, you failed again! And this time it is worse because you made me trust you, you made yourself the center of my world, the only thing holding me together… and then you turned on me."

I turned on her? What the hell is she talking about?

She points at the bottle of pills lying on the floor.

"The Bliss did not do that to me, Boris did not do that to me. You did it. You turned me into an addict by treating me like one, I never lied to you, it was you that broke the trust, not me."

Tears are spilling down her cheeks but she's not shouting anymore, in fact her voice is barely above a whisper. She's telling me how I've betrayed her by sending her away and how she won't be coming back. How she won't survive…how she never wants to see me again…that hurts more than anything I've ever felt before. How can she say that? Doesn't she see that I'm only trying to help her?

She slides down the wall, curling up and staring into space. Almost catatonic. This isn't the end of this conversation. Even if she's not going to say anything back to me, she's going to listen to me. I need a chance to defend myself.

"How dare you! Accusing me of never caring about you? After all I've done for you? Those are the actions of someone that doesn't care about you? Damn it Linka! I'd trade places with you in a heart beat if I could! But that's not even what hurts the most…what hurts the most is knowing that I confided in you about James…and you use that against me? I thought I could learn from the mistakes that my family made with James to HELP YOU. And you're right, this time is worse because I wasn't there every step of the way with James, but I was here for you…and I still failed. And YOU became the center of my world…you always have been. And when something's wrong with you, something is wrong with me too! And the trust has to go both ways. I never turned on you! You were the one that betrayed the trust by going through my drawers."

Yelling and being angry isn't going to get either of us anywhere. I try a slightly different approach…making her see that if she'd just been honest with me, this could have all been avoided.

"My God Linka! If you were hurting that badly, if you just would've asked…I probably would've given you an aspirin…and a massage…and anything else you would've asked of me…which is why I can't be the one that gets you through this. I don't want to send you away, but I have to…for your own good. You can get through this. You'll survive…and you'll be back here, good as new. And we'll forget all about this. We'll be friends again."

She's not convinced.

"You think you can win me over with your charm? Pretending that this is what is best for me? I am leaving, but not going to that clinic. I just need to get as far away from you as I can. I meant it. I never want to see you again."

I take a step towards her, intending to put my hands on her shoulders to get her to look at me.

"Linka…"

"DO NOT TOUCH ME! LEAVE! NOW!"

"FINE! IF THIS IS HOW YOU WANT IT TO END, FINE! I'M DONE FIGHTING WITH YOU! STAY HERE AND SUFFER THROUGH THIS YOURSELF WITHOUT ANY HELP, GO BACK TO RUSSIA AND DEAL WITH YOUR CRAZY UNCLE AND YOUR ADDICTION. YOU'RE SO FREAKIN' STUBBORN, IT'S A LOSING BATTLE!" I sigh in defeat. "It's always a losing battle with you."

I walk over to the pills that I had thrown on the ground and pick them up. There's no way I'm leaving them with her.

"You won't be needing these!" I say as I shake the bottle at her.

I leave the room, slamming the door hard behind me…that's my way of getting the final word.

To Be Continued…

Don't forget, in order to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Linka's side of the story in Chapter 21 of LouiseX's Codependence.