Chapter 23: Day 11, Early Morning

It's a Wheeler family Christmas. We are at my grandparents place, as usual, and it's time for family pictures. I'm standing behind my parents, who are sitting on the couch.

"Linka dear, go ahead and stand next to Jason!" My grandma says.

I look over to the side and see Linka standing there.

"Oh, no. I could not impose. It is a family picture and I am just…"

"Nonsense sweetheart!" My mom interrupts. "You've been putting up with us all day and haven't run out the door screaming…that makes you family!"

Linka smiles at her and then looks at me, as if she's searching for my approval. I hold my arm out, indicating that I want to put it around her. She does as I wish and leans into my side. I press my lips to the side of her head and say,

"Thanks for humoring them…sorry if it's weird for you."

"Nyet, do not apologize. I am honored that they want to include me…as long as it is ok with you…I mean, if you just want a photo of you and your parents for your album, I can step aside."

"No, I'll always remember this Christmas as the first time you met my family…so you need to be in the picture…or else when I'm an old senile man, I may not remember without the help of the picture!" I joke.

We smile for the camera as everyone takes their turns snapping pictures. Once everyone is done, I assume that picture time is over.

"Wait Jason, let's get one of just you and Linka."

How embarrassing!

"Maaaaaa, Linka's probably sick of pictures and seeing spots from all the flashes!"

"Nyet it is ok. I do not mind…in fact, I would even like a copy of the one we just took if it is no trouble."

Copies? She actually wants pictures of her time with my family?

"Oh, and would you mind taking one of the two of us with my camera as well?" She asks as she reaches into her purse and pulls out her camera.

"I don't mind at all dear," my mom says as she takes the camera.

"Thank you."

I put my arm around her waist and tilt my head sideways to lean against hers.

"Oh, that is perfect! Stay like that!" Ma says as she takes the picture. "One more!"

I take the time to appreciate the moment. The closeness. It's over all too soon, and everyone goes back to the usual family chatter, munching on Christmas cookies or other snacks that are sitting out, watching TV, and for the first time all night, no one seems to notice me and Linka. Finally, I can have a moment alone with her to talk. I take her hand and lead her down the hallway, away from the crowd. Why isn't there any mistletoe in this house?

Once we've found a quiet spot, I lean my back against the wall and take both of her hands in mine as she stands before me.

"Thanks for coming here with me," I say.

"Thank you for inviting me. I really did not want to go back to the Soviet Union for the holidays. Now that Grandmuska is gone…" she trails off.

"I know," I say. She doesn't need to finish. I know exactly how she feels. "The first holiday after losing a loved one is never a good one. Holidays are a tough time to remember loved ones…even if it's been a long time since they've passed."

She steps closer and stands between my legs, leaning forward so that her body is pressing against mine as we hug. We stay like that for a while, not saying anything, just holding each other. I brush my nose against her ear and nuzzle into her hair. She pulls away and looks up at me, smiling the most beautiful smile. Her eyes are wet with unshed tears. Are they tears of sadness from our conversation about lost family members? Or is that twinkle in her eye from happiness? My question is answered when she stretches up on her toes and presses her lips to mine. It's nice. When we part, she looks up at me shyly, and then looks down. Knowing Linka, she's embarrassed. She's never been one to initiate anything. Now it's my turn. I gotta let her know that not only was I okay with her forwardness, but I'd also not mind if we did it again. I bend my head to recapture her lips, running my hands up and down her back, whispering "I love you" against her mouth. Her hand moves to caress my cheek as she locks her lips more firmly to mine. The first kiss was nice. This one has my heart ready to beat its way out of my chest.

You know when you're dreaming, that moment that you realize you're dreaming is usually the moment that you wake up? It sucks. I open my eyes and see Linka looking back at me. I've still got her wrapped up in my arms, just as I did when I fell asleep.

"You're awake!"

"So are you," she says, stating the obvious.

"Yeah, but I was only sleeping you were unconscious…how long…"

"A while now."

"You should have woken me up."

"You looked like you were having a nice dream. I did not want to disturb you. You were smiling…I figured you needed something to smile about. You have been crying," she observes as she uses her finger to trace one of the tearstains that has left a track down my cheek.

"I was scared," I admit.

"Me too."

"Of me?"

"Nyet…of me."

"Are you ok? You weren't breathing."

"As well as can be expected I guess…all things considered. It is a little hard to breathe. I am pretty ashamed."

"You don't have to be ashamed around me. No one else will ever know about this. I promise. We'll keep this between you and me."

"Thank you." She sounds relieved.

"Do you remember…what happened?"

"I remember what my intentions were. I guess I passed out before I could…" she trails off.

"Yeah…good thing."

"Da…but I still could have died…if you had not…"

"Let's not even think about 'what if.' All that matters is that I was there when it mattered…I know it won't make up for the time when I wasn't there for you…"

"Sssh. Please stop. I do not want to talk about it now."

"Then listen? I have a lot I want…need to say to you."

"Wheeler, I cannot do this right now. I cannot have another argument with you," she says as she shuts her eyes, as if shutting them will shut out her surroundings.

I bend my forehead to touch it to hers…sort of like I did when I was fighting with her, but softer, gentler. She opens her eyes and looks at me. I caress her cheek as I brush an errant strand of hair away from her face.

"I can't handle an argument right now either Babe. I don't want to…now, or ever again," I whisper. "Which is why I'm apologizing."

"Apology accepted. You saved my life. There is nothing more to say."

"But I have a lot more to say. I did this to you. I drove you to this! I could have lost you. I don't know what I would've done if you…if I…because of me…you…" I can't say it. I don't want to say it. "But that's not true. I know exactly what I would've done. I would've been so overcome with grief, so full of guilt, I would've gone crazy. I would've…done the same thing you did."

"Do not say that Jason," she whispers before her body is overcome with a coughing fit. There must still be some fluid in there. She really should see a doctor to make sure she's ok. I rub my hand in circles on her back. It's what I always remember my mom doing when I was sick and coughing. Once her spasm stops, she continues. "I was trying to free you of the burden, not hurt you further."

"Burden? I never thought that of you. I'd do it again, and again, and again if you needed me too. I'm so sorry Linka. I never meant to hurt you. I had no idea that my actions would've driven you to this. If I did…well…I would've never pushed so hard…I would've been more careful about what I did and said to you."

She tells me she didn't care and that she isn't afraid of me, which is a huge relief. I never want to make a woman feel the same way my dad made my mom feel. I could never do that to someone I love…I don't know how he could…I'd just assumed it meant he didn't love my mother and me.

She says that she did it because she thought I wanted her gone. She completely misunderstood why I wanted her to go back to the clinic in DC. It wasn't because I was trying to get rid of her, it was because I couldn't help her. These people were trained and way more qualified for dealing with people going through withdrawal.

Once again, she begs not to be sent back to the clinic. Says sending her away won't help her and if that's what I really want, I should never have come back here. So she'd rather be dead than go back there? Why? What is so scary about it? Is it just that she's unable to admit to others that she needs help? That she has a problem? Is she that ashamed that she can't admit that she's an addict? I guess I need to explain myself better to her.

"I never wanted you gone. I wanted you better. I wasn't sending you away to get rid of you, it's because I can't give you the help you need. I don't want you to go away. I want you here with me. I couldn't stand not seeing you everyday. I need you. I lo- -" She stops me by putting her fingers over my lips. I don't care if she doesn't want to hear it. "…love you. I realize that now. I kinda always knew it, but now I know for sure. I don't care if you can't say it back. I didn't say it so you'd say it back. I said it cuz I wanted you to know. No matter what happens. Even if you don't feel the same way, I just needed you to know. To give you a reason to never give up…because I'll always be there…even if it is just as a friend if you don't feel the same way I do. My life would be so empty if you weren't in it…I couldn't go on. I wouldn't want to."

"Then do not send me away." She pleads. She sounds just as scared as I feel. "I need something to hold on to, something to trust and believe in, no doctor can give me that."

Can I give her that? I just told her I love her and she's completely ignored it…I know I told her I didn't expect her to say it back…and I know it was a long shot that she'd say she felt the same.

She closes her eyes again, but this time, it's not to shut out the world. She snuggles into me and I hold her tighter. Can't we just forget about everyone and everything else and stay in bed forever…or at least until she's better. She'll be safe here. I can be that something she needs to hold onto. To believe in.

"What you said before…Do you think…those things that you said you needed…do you think I can give you that?" I ask.

"The better question is, do you think you can give me that?"

"I want to," I confess. "You're sure you don't want someone more professional? Someone who's trained in this?"

"Hospitals and groups, drug programs… they are very important and help a lot of people I know that, but for me… my situation is different, I am different. I do not think like an addict and I am afraid of being made to in the name of helping me heal. I need to be myself."

"Ok. But at least you wouldn't be alone in your suffering. These kids know what you're going through…maybe you could even be helpful to them. I'll go with you if you want. Maybe they have an outpatient program. We can stay in at a hotel, not in a hospital or clinic, and then you could just go to the meetings or whatever when they were scheduled, but then come back to the hotel. It wouldn't be like you were trapped there if you could just come and go as you pleased."

"The doctor said there would be others I could share my experiences with, but I cannot, I do not do well in a group. I will just retreat inside myself where it is safe."

She's not budging. She's not even considering what I'm saying. I'm not going to force her to do anything she doesn't want to…I just don't get why she's so adamant about not going, even after I offered to go with her. Was it because I just told her I love her? Does she not want to spend time alone with me? She looks a little frustrated and worried that I'm not getting it.

"Skumm made me special. I do not mean that in a good way. Boris and I did not have to do anything for the Bliss while the others had to amuse him. They did things… terrible things… and all the time knowing that I was different, protected… a pet if you like. They will hate me now!"

She's looking into my eyes, silently begging me to understand…and I finally get it. She's NOT one of them. Yes, they share an addiction, but she was an outsider. She was not part of their group. She was treated differently by Skumm and they'd resent her for that.

"I need to forget the things I saw Wheeler, I need the nightmares to stop..." She looks away and whispers softly, "… and they only do not come when you are with me."

Why can't she look at me when she says that? Why is she ashamed to admit it?

"Then I guess I've got bad news for ya Babe…"

To Be Continued…

Don't forget, in order to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Linka's side of the story in Chapter 23 of LouiseX's Codependence.