Chapter 24: Day 11, Early Morning, Continued

"I need to forget the things I saw Wheeler, I need the nightmares to stop..." She looks away and whispers softly, "… and they only do not come when you are with me."

"Then I guess I've got bad news for ya Babe…" She looks up at me with horror filled eyes. "Sounds like the only solution to your problem is for me to always be with you. So I guess you're stuck with me," I say as I hug her more tightly to me.

A relieved look washes over her face.

"And for the record, my nightmares stay away when I'm with you too," I whisper in her ear.

She looks up at me and smiles. This moment is perfect. This should be it. This should be our first kiss. So many missed opportunities, but they've all lead us to this point. There's just one problem…two minutes ago, I told her that I loved her and got nothing in response. If I try to kiss her, it'll be too much too soon. I don't want to throw myself at her. But if we kissed…would that change her mind? Would it convince her that I mean what I say? Would she convince herself that she feels the same way? Until I know for sure how she feels, as much as I want to act on my feelings, I can't. So I won't.

"Then we will protect each other," she says confidently. I like the sound of that. Her demeanor shifts though when she says shyly, "You would probably be more comfortable in the bed though."

I'm fine where I am, lying on top of the covers, but she's inviting me to get under them with her. Did I just get the answer I was waiting for? It's a start I guess, and in all honesty, I can't wait to hold her in my arms with one less barrier. Once I get under the covers, I resume my previous position, wrapping myself around her. We lay there in silence for a while, but I'm not tired. I wonder if she's fallen asleep but then she softly asks,

"Wheeler… what do you have nightmares about?"

Oh. Wow. This is some pretty heavy subject matter…is she ready for it? Can she handle it? But more importantly, can I handle telling her? It's not something I've ever been comfortable talking about. Will it scare her away? Will she think I'm damaged? Will she pity me? I hate it when people pity me. That's why I never talk about my life back in Brooklyn. But if she's going to trust me, I have to show her that I trust her as well…and I do. I want to tell her about this part of me.

"You know when I was telling you about James, the night I was staying at my grandparent's and my Pap had to go pick him up, and I said that when I overheard the phone conversation that I thought they were talking about my dad?"

"Da. And you said that you spent the summers at your grandparents' because it was 'a polite way' for them to keep you away from your dad. I did not ask then because I did not want to interrupt, but I wondered what you meant by that."

"It was because my dad had a drinking problem."

"Oh."

"It was bad. It's not like he was a happy drunk. And it wouldn't have been that bad if he was just the kinda drunk that was gone all day at the bar, blew all his money on booze, then came home and passed out. He was the kinda drunk who would be at the bar all day, blow all his money on booze, then come home, pissed off that his dinner was cold and my mom would have to re-heat it. And he'd get mad because the mashed potatoes weren't fresh, they were instant…and they weren't even good instant potatoes, they were the store brand. Ma had to buy the cheapest stuff she could because dad blew all our money at the bar or at the track, where he'd make stupid decisions because he was too drunk to know any better. My mom even went out and got a part time job without my dad knowing about it so that we'd have a little extra income. It's what she'd use for grocery money. And sometimes clothes for me when I'd out grow mine. After a while though, I'd gotten used to kids making fun of me for my out of style clothes or short, tight jeans that I'd outgrown when big and baggy was the style. And my shoes were falling apart. EVERYONE had Air Jordan's. My grandparents bought me a pair for my birthday once, but I could never wear them. A nice pair of shoes like that would look ridiculous with the crappy wardrobe I had. Then for Christmas, I got a bunch of clothes from my aunts, uncles, and grandparents. You'd think that a kid would be disappointed and only want fun stuff like toys, but I was happy to finally have stylish clothes to wear. Then when I went looking for my shoes, I couldn't find them. I found out my dad sold them for booze money. I was so angry, I confronted him. He told me no son of his was going to wear 'black kid shoes.'"

How much is too much information? All she wanted to know was what my nightmares were about. She didn't ask to hear my life story. But it sort of required an explanation…otherwise, my nightmares would just seem insane. Reliving this is really getting me down. It's harder to talk about than I thought it would be. I take a deep breath to compose my thoughts, and then go on.

"Anyway, he'd get angry over little things and he'd take out his anger on my mom…and me. When he was yelling at her, I'd do my best to get him mad at me, say stuff to him, get in between him and my Ma…if he was wailing on me, at least he wasn't touching her. He'd beat me pretty good. He'd split my lip, make my nose bleed, slap me upside the head…that explains a lot huh Babe?" I try to joke.

She just shakes her head, shushes me, and says,

"Do not even joke about that. The only thing it explains is why you are so strong, and so willing to stand up for others. It started at a young age."

"I guess. Never really thought of it that way."

"So your nightmares are more like memories? About him hurting you and your mother?" She asks sadly.

"Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes they're memories. Sometimes they're distorted memories…almost like what really happened, but with different outcomes. Sometimes he ends up killing my mom…or me…and sometimes I think they're what I wished had happened…I kill him."

I stop my story there, wondering what she'll think of me now, knowing that I'm capable of such horrible thoughts. I get my answer when she snuggles in closer to me, wrapping her arm more tightly around my mid-section and rubbing her cheek against my bare chest.

"Does your father still drink?"

"No. At least, he says he doesn't, and my mom says he's quit. I think he got a reality check after James died. I would've never left my mom to come here if my dad was still drinking like he used to."

"And we would have never met," she states blankly.

"No. We wouldn't."

"And I would probably be dead. Strange how things work out," she says.

"No, you'd be fine because I wouldn't have upset you so much that you felt you had to…"

"Nyet. I mean the Bliss would have killed me in DC. You were the one that got through to me."

"If not me, it would've been someone else. Who knows…maybe Gaia would have chosen a sophisticated Englishman or a cool surfer dude Aussie with a cool accent to replace me," I joke.

"I like your accent…and you ARE a 'cool surfer dude!'"

"What? You're not gonna argue the point about my sophistication?"

"Nyet…I will leave that one alone!"

We chuckle lightly as we continue to hold each other. We stay like that for a while, neither of us saying anything as I rub my hands up and down her back, trying to both warm and sooth her. Then, out of nowhere, I feel her body tense up.

"Wheeler…did you…?"

"What Babe?" I ask. I'm afraid of what's going to come next, based on her sudden mood change.

"My clothes…?"

Oh. Crap.

"I umm…was hoping you wouldn't notice. I uhh…you were…in the tub…the water…your clothes uhh…since they were soaking wet, they were in the way and interfering when I was doing CPR…"

"I needed CPR?"

"Yeah Babe…you weren't breathing…your lungs were full of water. I had to do it."

I think back to how soft her lips were as I covered them with mine…not the ideal scenario that I'd imagined for the first time our lips met. I'd always thought they'd be warm and soft, not cold and lifeless.

"And you had to remove my clothes?" She asks as she lifts the sheets. "Even my sweatpants are different."

"Well, yeah, like I said, the shirt was in the way…and I hope it wasn't a favorite because I sort of ripped it open."

"Sort of?"

"Ok, I definitely ripped it open. Time was a factor and I was panicking!"

"And the sweatpants?"

"Were soaking wet. I couldn't put you into bed like that…and you needed to get warmed up. I couldn't risk you going into shock AND being in wet clothes…on top of the chills you've been feeling…I needed to keep you warm. That wouldn't have happened if you'd stayed in those wet clothes. And my shirt was soaked as well, so I had to take it off too. And trust me Babe…the last thing on my mind was…uh, you know…my main focus was getting you breathing again, then dry, then conscious."

"I know…I trust you…I just was surprised…and embarrassed."

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about," I try to reassure her.

She raises an eyebrow at me.

"No, I mean…I wasn't looking. I tried my best to keep my eyes averted. But I'm not gonna lie, that wasn't always possible."

She doesn't say anything, just nods, but the tint of red in her cheeks is very telling.

"If it'll make you feel better, I'll strip down, you can have a look, and we'll call it even?" I joke.

"Nyet, that is ok," she laughs.

"Geez, why you gotta laugh about it?" I pretend to be hurt.

She smiles, but then gets serious.

"Thank you….for taking care of me…for being honest and caring and being a perfect gentleman…thank you for everything."

"You're welcome…and I want you to know that not once did I consider…looking. That…moment…wasn't enjoyable at all for me. I was scared I'd lost you," I say as I tighten my hold on her. "And I guess maybe I learned something from those romance movies I HAVE to watch when you and Gi pick the movies…but I just think that when a guy sees a girl…REALLY sees her for the first time…well, she should be fully conscious and aware of the way he's looking at her, adoring her…she should see the look in his eyes when the full affect of her beauty hits him, and when he realizes that he's the luckiest guy in the world."

"Da. That is how it should be," she nods in agreement, but she seems miles away.

For the first time in a long time, she feels warm to me as I press my lips to the side of her head and bring my hand up to rest on the back of her head, burying my fingers in her damp hair and massaging her scalp. The mood is light. I'm happy, she seems happy…I hesitate to ruin it, buuuuuuut…

"So you said that you needed to forget the things that you saw…is that what your nightmares are about? You wanna tell me about them? You don't have to if you don't want to…I mean, just because I told you, doesn't mean you have to tell me…but if you think it'll help to talk about it…" I stammer.

"Did it help you?"

"I don't know. It doesn't change what happened…but I'm glad I was finally able to talk to someone about it…and I'm glad that someone was you."

I lean my head against hers. I'm not trying to guilt her into telling me anything, I'm just telling her the truth. She pauses for a moment and then she starts telling her story.

"Skumm set himself up as a ruler and he expected his people to put on entertainment, which they did. He had them compete for the Bliss."

"Compete?"

"Da. Fights…to the death. The winner got more Bliss. The others, we would watch the fights, cheering the combatants on, also finding enjoyment in seeing what our peers would do for the Bliss. We were no better than Skumm."

"Did you or Boris ever fight anyone?"

"Nyet. As I said, we were privileged. Boris was a favorite because he brought me to Skumm. Skumm wanted to keep me around to use against the Planeteers. He kept giving me the Bliss so that I would not have to risk dying by fighting for it. I was no use to him dead."

"What else did he make people do?"

She takes a deep breath before continuing. Her eyes fill with unshed tears.

"The girls…they did not fight…not often anyway. They had other ways of pleasing Skumm."

"Other ways…as in…?" I can't even say it because the thought makes me sick.

"Da. At night, girls would come to him. It started with just a few, but then once the word got out that these girls were getting more Bliss, more and more would show up. It got to the point where he would have to turn them away…He would share them with his henchmen…and Boris. I was there."

"There? Did you…?"

"Nyet! He wanted to keep Boris and I close, in case we came to our senses and left. We slept in the same room as Skumm…Boris was on the floor…I was in the bed."

"With him?"

"Da…but I never…"

"Good. I'm glad he kept his filthy paws off you."

Now the tears were falling.

"I never went all the way with him…but there were times…he would get closer than necessary. He would brush the hair away from my face, caress my cheek, hold my hand…whisper in my ear."

I ball my fists up. That rat bastard! How dare he? How dare he touch her? I'll kill him! But I can't let her know how angry I am. I don't want her to think I'm angry at her or blame her for what happened. I need to comfort her and let her know that I'm here now. It's me, not Skumm. He'll never touch her again.

"So, when I do those things, does it bring back bad memories? Does it remind you of him…cuz if so, I'll stop."

"Nyet. I do not want you to stop…I want…I need you to continue doing those things to comfort me…because it reminds me how those actions should make me feel. Not disgusted, but appreciated. Respected. Valued. Not like property. Not like I need to obey in order to get something in return."

"I'd never expect anything in return," I reassure her. "I'm just trying to be here for you."

"I know. And it is so very different when it is you. Even when I was out of my mind with the Bliss, I still knew that what Skumm was doing was sickening…but I needed to suffer through it… I could not risk not getting more Bliss. And the only thing that worked for me was…was pretending he was someone else. It was someone else's hand on my cheek, someone else's finger twirling around my hair, someone else's breath on my skin. Someone whose voice was sweet, whose hands were warm, whose touch was tender…I pretended it was you."

I don't know what to say. I'm happy, obviously. How couldn't I be? At least now I know that the thought of me touching her doesn't repulse her! So I tilt her chin up to look at me. The tears are now streaming down her face, so I wipe them away.

"It's ok Babe. He's never gonna touch you again. I'll burn his fingers off, and then I'll kill him if he tries."

Wow, twice in one night I've revealed murderous thoughts to Linka, first about my dad, and now Skumm. I think they're justified, but she might think differently. I kiss her forehead. I hesitate because even though she said that she needs me to continue doing those little things…to give them a positive meaning again, I can't help but think they'll also bring painful reminders. I know I can't stop thinking about it…did he hold her like this at night?

"It was horrible Wheeler. At night when the other girls would come to him…I was there. I was in the same bed when they were...I knew that I did not need to do anything special for my supply of Bliss…but what if it ever got to the point that I needed to? I did not object to him getting closer and touching me because I was afraid he would get mad at me and stop giving me the pills. How far would I have let him go? Would I have given in and let him…do whatever."

"NO!" I blurt out, surprising both of us, but then I get calm again. "No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't have let it go that far."

"How can you be so sure, when even I am not so sure?"

Am I sure? Am I trying to convince her or myself?

"Because…because…," I struggle to find an explanation…I don't have one. "Because I just am! I know you. The sensible, logical Linka was still inside you. She would've prevailed. I know this because I've seen how strong you are."

"I was not very strong last night."

"Last night never happened. Last night doesn't count…the bad parts anyways," I say soothingly against her ear. "As for what happened with Skumm, you'd remember…and you don't remember doing anything more…right?"

"Nyet. I do not remember doing anything…but I also do not remember Boris crashing through the window at the Capital Building…Wheeler…if I did not remember that…what else do I not remember?"

I think I need answers just as much as she does. I wrap her body up in mine, my arms around her as tightly as they can go, my legs intertwined with hers, her head tucked under my chin, holding her as closely as possible. Every inch of her body in contact with mine. Any part of her that was touched by Skumm, has now been replaced by my touch. I'm being possessive. She's not "mine." We're nothing more than friends…but in my heart, she'll always be mine…even if it never happens in reality.

"There's ways to find out…to be sure. You could go to the doctor and be examined. Or maybe Ma-Ti could use his ring to scan your memories…"

"NYET! Not Ma-Ti! No one else can know Wheeler!"

I knew it was a stupid thing to suggest, but it was the only thing I could think of.

"Ok, ok…I know…he's the only one I can think of that can get inside people's heads though…other than a hypnotherapist. And we can do that if you want. There are places that I know of in New York…we can go there for a few days. Tell the others that we're going on a mini vacation…"

"What about Gaia? She could get into my head just as Ma-Ti could," Linka says quietly.

I guess the idea of coming to New York with me is too much for her. It's moving too fast. It's not like I was taking her there to meet my family, it was just to get her some help…or maybe the unease that she has about going back to DC is transferring to all sorts of medical facilities. But she's right, Gaia could tell. And we…I mean Linka, can trust Gaia.

"That's a good idea. Maybe you can talk to her tomorrow…if you're feeling up to it. And I'll come with you…if you want…you know, for support."

"Da, of course I want you there. And we will see how I feel tomorrow…if I am ready. I want answers…I just do not know if I am ready to hear them."

Me neither.

"Is there anything else you want to talk about?" I ask.

"Nyet. That is everything that happened. Those are the things that I dream about. Those memories…and then possible scenarios…if he did try…and I let him."

"That's one nightmare you WILL NOT be having tonight. It's me tonight. I'm the one holding you. Even in your sleep, I'll protect you. Just think about that every night before you go to sleep…if you start to have a nightmare about Skumm, maybe that seed will be planted in your subconscious and I'll show up in your dream. I'll protect you…and he'll stop coming around. Those nightmares will end for good."

"I hope so."

"You should get some rest. It was a long night," I whisper.

I adjust my hold on her. She's so thin, when I put my arm around her, it practically goes all the way around, so that my hand is resting on her stomach. I automatically begin to rub my hand there, causing her shirt to ride up slightly. When I encounter bare skin, she tenses slightly, so I pull the shirt back down. I give her a comforting squeeze, placing several kisses on her head. I wipe away the rest of her tears. She curls up against me and I continue to hold her as closely to me as I can. She's fallen asleep. It didn't take long. I know how exhausting emotional moments can be. Last night, the circumstances, and the revelations have left me feeling pretty drained as well. It's not long until I follow Linka into a state of sleep.

I wake up when I hear her groaning and feel her struggling against me, as if she's trying to get out of my embrace.

"Linka, it's ok Babe. It's me," I whisper as I kiss her temple and stroke her cheek.

She whimpers "nyet" and continues to try to push me away. I don't want her to feel like I'm restraining her, so I unwrap my legs from around hers and pull away. I hold her hand and press my lips to her knuckles.

"Linka, it's Wheeler. It's not Skumm. He can't hurt you Baby, I won't let him. I'm here."

"Yankee? You came," she mutters, still in a state of sleep.

"Yeah. I told you I would. It's me Babe," I say as I tentatively move closer to hold her once again and kiss her cheek.

"It is you," she confirms softly as she nestles her head into my naked chest.

I place my hand on the back of her head and stroke her hair, holding her to me.

"It's me. I've got you, and I'm not going anywhere. No one's gonna hurt you. No one. Especially not Skumm. They've gotta get past me first…and I'll never let you go," I promise her.

She calms down and settles in against me, back to a peaceful sleep, I hope.

To Be Continued…

Don't forget, in order to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Linka's side of the story in Chapter 24 of LouiseX's Codependence.