WARNING: Self-inserts detected. Proceed at your own risk.

Yes, there are self-insert characters in here. Fifteen of them to be precise. Each one a member of the fanfiction writing group known as Ala Iridia.

Obviously, putting self-insert characters into a story is a Bad Idea, but if you've read this much of the story so far, you'd know that this was the entire theme behind this story. The main plot so to speak.

Yes this is wish fulfillment at its finest. Fifteen fanfiction authors trying to raise a fictional character. The only way this could be even more ridiculous would be to add bikini models to the mix, so that everyone gets a harem.

I figure I'm insulting your intelligence enough as it is without resorting to adding the bikini models. I already have plans to add to the insanity, I don't need more.

Each self-insert is a highly trained professional. Do not attempt this at home. Blah, blah, blah. You've heard this before, I don't know why I am bothering to repeat it.

By the way, I don't own Negima, or any of its characters. Neither do any of the members of Ala Iridia. But the members of Ala Iridia do own their self-inserts. So there.

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Chapter 3 And Now for Something Completely Different

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Out in the Cold
by Sereg

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Standing ankle-deep in snow is usually a good indication that you are not in Cape Town, South Africa. Especially when Autumn has barely started. This went though the man's mind as shivers went through his body. Unfortunately, the reason that the man was in shorts and a T-shirt was not because he was a total badass, but rather because he had expected the temperature to be something closer to thirty degrees Celsius than below zero. At least he'd bothered to wear a shirt at all today. He had spent time standing in fridges at Supermarkets when he was younger, but as he knew from experience, dealing with the cold out in the wild was a bit different. He'd done that once before and had never wanted to experience that again. While his eyes were terrible and he hadn't used his glasses since losing a lens years before, even he could see the fires in the distance. Well, he'd always wanted to help people and at least he'd be warm. He hurried towards the village, annoyed with how his body was slow and unfit and how his shoes had seen better days. He also thought to himself that when he asked for guidance he wasn't referring to something like this. Still, he was grateful for how explicit this seemed and supposed that he'd had some experience with weird stuff before, even if it had never manifested this way.

He approached the village and noticed that there were many statues around. Fair enough. However, there were also strange creatures attacking.

He paused. As he'd just been reminiscing, he'd had experience with weird things before. But these were a lot more solid and numerous than he was used to. Still, once you'd seen one, others didn't induce more fear than you've ever felt anymore. These may have been different, but he'd dealt with other strange things before and he'd already decided to help these people. He really was too stubborn for his own good. He picked up a stick, wincing as his fingers dug through the snow and lifted it above his shoulder as he prayed. He then ran towards the nearest creature which began to turn towards him.

As stealth was clearly out of the question, he screamed as he rammed the stick against the creature's shoulder. When one has the minimum strength for a human according to Dungeons and Dragons and one is attacking something bigger than they are, one should be aware that the following may happen: The creature did not flinch at the impact. Instead, it stuck its claws into the man's abdomen. The man collapsed to the floor in agony. If there was one symptom of disease he hated more than any other, it was vomit. Naturally, he began to produce it and lay shivering in a pool of melting snow and his own fluids.

The Gods Must Be Crazy
by UberNimrod

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Time: Unknown.
Relative Time: Approximately 3 minutes after insertion.
Location: Unknown.
Relative Location: Approximately 200 yards from insertion point.

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Ok. Why are you doing this?

'Which 'this' are you referring to?'

Running into an obviously dangerous situation.

'Because for the first time in my forty-one years of existence, I seem to have stumbled into an adventure? Complete with monstrous humanoids acting like monsters? I've started D&D campaigns like this.'

Might I remind you that D&D characters also usually have a weapon of some sort when you started them out like this? Come to think of it, even a few bullets would be really helpful right about now.

At that point something large stepped out of a side street and glanced in my direction. Obviously my argument with my Common Sense was going to have to wait. Discretion being the better part of valor, I valiantly ran down an alley in an effort to get away.

The sound of something lumbering behind me as I ran through the alley indicated that my escape was not going to be entirely successful. The sound of whatever-it-was gaining on me indicated that I needed to change tactics.

When I figured that the whatever-it-was in question was almost upon me, I suddenly turned, kicked a trashcan in front of it and pressed my back against the building that I was closest to.

The thing tracked me with its eyes, much to my surprise. It looked at me with what I could only guess was confusion as it stepped on the trashcan that I had thrown in front of it. That expression changed to surprise as it fell forward crushing the trashcan as it collided with the ground solidly, knocking it unconscious.

I can't believe that actually worked.

'Neither can I. Decided to return to argue some more?'

Only to remind you that it would be nice to have a weapon. Or bullets.

I looked around. Nothing screamed 'weapon' unless I counted the collection of empty Guinness bottles in a nearby trashcan. I seriously doubted my ability to hold my own in a bar fight, much less a real fight like the one I had managed to avoid just seconds ago.

"Never a crowbar when you need one. What kind of crappy fighting game is this?" I complained aloud.

"The kind that you are not supposed to win." came the reply.

"Remind me to complain to the system administrator then." I said as I turned around to face the direction the reply had come from.

This isn't good.

'Thank you Captain Obvious.'

At the entrance of the alley that I had ran into stood something obviously not human but my height. Two horns stuck out of the sides of its head like bull horns, which happened to be a rather close description of its head as well, save that it was more skeletal than most bulls than I had seen. It held a sword in one hand, and wore a loincloth and a smug expression.

It grinned. "Going somewhere?"

I smiled. "Not since the reinforcements are here now."

"Huh?" It turned and looked behind it. When it turned back, I was in the process of fleeing the alley.

And again, I can't believe that worked.

'We haven't escaped yet. Oh wait...'

The thing roared its disapproval and charged towards the other end of the alley hoping to catch up. What it caught however was an iron rail to it's head as it came out.

Much better.

'Yeah well, don't get your hopes up yet.' I dropped the iron rail that I had nearly tripped over as I exited the alley before grabbing the sword from the thing. 'Oh look, I now have a sharp stabby thing. Even though I have no clue how to use a sword.'

At least you have something.

'Rather have the bullets, thanks. I wonder where everyone else went?'

That really was bothering me. There was about ten or twelve people that ran down here to this village/town/whatever along with me, but since I'm not the fastest thing on two legs, everyone else ran off ahead. I prayed they were fine, even if I had no idea who they were.

Of course you realize that the act of wondering where someone is will increase the probability of their appearing. Especially if they are the sort of person that will get on your nerves. Naturally this means that the more annoying someone is, the greater the probability of their appearing.

Had I realized that, I might not have been so eager to wonder. As it was, there was someone running towards me with one of those things behind him. I grabbed the iron rail again with my free hand and stepped sideways to avoid being seen by the creature before placing the rail against the wall of the building I was hiding behind.

To my lack of surprise, said person ran out of the alley. When he did, I stepped forward and swung the sword around with both hands.

To my surprise, the creature just caught it in it's hands. It didn't seem to even hurt it's hands doing that.

"Well crap." was both my first thought and the words that came out of my mouth.

It smiled, and not in a nice way. "Foolish human. Did you think you had a chance to kill me?"

"Actually, yes." I said as I tugged on the sword suddenly.

The thing hissed as the sword slid out of it's grasp, cutting it's hands open as it did so. "You'll pay for..." it started to say, before it was cut off by someone hitting it on the head from behind.

As I dodged the falling body, I glanced behind it to see what had happened. "Oh good. I see you found the iron rail I set up behind me." I said as I spotted the person who ran by seconds previously.

He nodded. "It was the only thing I could see."

"I don't suppose you know how to handle a sword?" I asked.

"I had about half an hour of fencing instruction once." he said.

"That's a half hour more than I've had. Here you go." I said, handing him the sword.

He reluctantly handed me the rail. I couldn't blame him. I'd had some good luck with that rail as well.

"Any idea where we are?"

"No." he replied.

"Any idea why we are here?"

"No."

"Have you seen anyone else?"

"No."

"Do you answer all questions with 'no'?"

"Yes." he grinned at that.

"Oh good. At least you have a sense of humor. That makes you not annoying. Although I suppose you're going to tell me your first name is Grigori?"

"No. But I can understand why you would say that. I do look an awful lot like Grigori Rasputin. But unlike him, I have glasses, and I'm not insane or evil."

"Noted. So, got any ideas?"

"No."

I sighed. Most anyone would at that point.

Fortunately the both of us were saved from more dialog by a sound from the building nearest to us. Namely the sound of the building catching on fire, as if someone inside had poured gasoline everywhere before lighting it.

As both of us turned toward the door, someone came out of the building. The best way for me to describe said individual would be: male; late 40's, early 50's; wearing a fedora and a black overcoat. The white hair, mustache and beard said person had would also be added to the description.

Both of us stared at him while he stared at us. That lasted only three seconds. That's when he smiled at us.

"Gentlemen, I assume that both of you are from out of town?" he asked.

I nodded. "We'd like to complain to the Chamber of Commerce if we could. Or your Tourism Board. Whichever."

"Oh really?" he asked.

"You seem to have something attacking here." came the reply from the person with me.

"Attacking? What do you mean?" he asked.

That was the cue for the building behind us to suddenly explode. Naturally, the both of us turned to dodge any debris as well as try to see what happened. By the time we turned back a second or two later, the gentleman was gone.

"He's gone?" my traveling companion asked.

"That's not at all suspicious." I said, before turning to him. "Shall we try to chase after him?"

He nodded. "Yes, we better."

Since he hadn't went past us, I decided that he had gone around the corner. When I got to the corner, I was not disappointed to see him disappear around the next corner. I kept after him, with my traveling companion following behind, then alongside as we ran down a long alley.

After the third corner, I asked said companion, "I don't suppose you can run faster than this can you?"

"I can. Why?"

"He's getting faster. We might lose him at this rate."

He nodded and sprinted ahead of me.

It turned out to be unnecessary as he ran out into a very wide street that had people on each side.

As both of us followed, it became clear that the crowd wasn't very interested in what was happening. It took me a few seconds for me to realize that they were rather stiff.

As I looked at the people, it because clear that they were not normal. Most people do not have gray as a skin tone. Or remain unmoving while people are running past them. Or remain unmoving period.

'What the hell...' I thought, right before I had to stop myself, both mentally and physically.

Everyone else had stopped right in the middle of the street. I managed to not run over my new companion and instead focused on the gentleman we had been following.

The aforementioned gentleman had two of those creatures by him. Both of them looked similar to the one I had disarmed back at the alley. Right down to the swords they carried.

I do believe we are in big trouble.

I stared at the three ahead of me for a few seconds. It took that long for my brain to come up with a suitable response.

"Friends of yours?"

He smiled. "As a matter of fact, they are my followers."

"Ah. Minions." I nodded in understanding.

"We are devoted to our leader." One of them hissed in my general direction.

"Ah. Unthinking minions. Best kind really."

I'm sorta used to having people stare at me for my remarks. So I was not surprised at the stares I was getting. Even from the guy I rescued.

The whatever-monster-it-was that had hissed at me decided to charge at me. The gentleman looked like he was about to say something but whatever he was going to say was lost as his follower charged.

I freaked. I tried to step backward, and promptly fell on my ass.

Oh good job! Did you bring a white flag to wave?

When it approached me and looked like it was going to taunt me, I did the only thing I could think of to do. I kicked it.

Time seemed to stop.

Did you just kick that monster in the family jewels?

Apparently I had, as it cringed in agony and fell to the ground. I scrambled to get up. As I did I glanced over at my new companion and said, "Running might be a good idea."

"You're going nowhere." Monster number two had decided to appear in front of me as I was still trying to get up. Monster number two was looking more at my companion in an effort to intimidate him.

I lifted my arm that had the iron rail quickly. I got lucky.

Did you just hit... You know what? I'm not even going to bother with that. But I think if you make it out of this, you will officially be out of luck for the year.

Monster number two joined Monster number one on the ground clutching it's crotch and crying in pain. Both of us normal humans ran like hell.

"What was that for?" asked my companion.

"I panicked. Ok?" I replied as I ran.

As we ran, everything shook. From close by, there was a thunderclap that shook everything. The air seemed to vibrate, followed by the earth itself. My eardrums felt like they imploded into my skull. I'm sure my companion felt the same from the look on his face.

But we kept running. I didn't have any better ideas, and if my companion had any ideas, he wasn't sharing them. Of course, I think someone could have shouted in my ear and I wouldn't have heard them.

The good news was that I didn't need to hear the small boy that ran out of an alley, I just needed to see him to know he was there.

The guy who had been with me all this time also spotted the boy, and altered his path to scoop him up as he tried to run by.

"Aaaahhhhhh!"

Either that boy had a good set of lungs, or I wasn't as deaf as I had believed. Either way, he was loud.

"Put me down! There's monsters!"

"We know that! What did you think we were running from, disgruntled postal workers?" I replied as I closed with both of them. That was rather easy to do since the boy was obviously weighing down my companion.

"Here, let me have him." I suggested to said companion. He stopped long enough to hand the boy over to me. I noted that said boy had red hair and glasses before resuming running.

"Got any ideas?" the other guy yelled.

"Keep running." I replied.

Seconds later we arrived in a clearing by a large pond or small lake. Either way it was a body of water. No way to run around it that was obvious.

Both of us stopped running. I had no idea why my companion stopped, but I was trying to figure out which way to go.

That proved to be a mistake, as a monster that resembled the two monsters I had kicked in the balls came up behind us. The fact that it was bigger than either of them and it was followed by the two monsters I had kicked in the balls meant that we were in serious trouble.

Things happened fairly quickly after that. There was no talking, just action on both sides.

My companion charged one of the monsters, only to be swatted aside as he swung his sword at it.

I tried to run behind him in an effort to get the boy away. Unfortunately, the other monster somehow got in front of me and tried to swing his sword. I raised the iron rail and managed to block it.

The largest whatever-it-was tried to say something. I am not sure what happened at that point, as I was too busy with defending both myself and the boy.

But I do know that I was about to just drop the boy and work on beating the one that was trying to kill me, when it somehow stabbed me. Well... us.

The sword went through the boy, and straight into me. The last things I heard was something from the large critter, followed by a woman's scream.

It sounded like she had screamed, "NEGI!"

Nimrod Notes:

This isn't completely my fault.

I've mentioned that this was started on the TVTropes forums. Specifically the All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread. You're free to wander over at and look at everything. There is a lot more topics discussed than Negima fanfiction. MUCH more.

The original idea was created by OverMaster for a collection of story snippets. Anyone could submit what they wanted, they just had to keep the theme of "Negi Raised by X."

Several of us submitted snippets. I submitted three myself. And then it happened.

Zephyrus Anemoi Fiction, or Anemoi as he is known on the Thread, submitted a short snippet titled "Negi Raised by Ala Iridia." It was only a few sentences, and over-the-top silly, but it wasn't bad.

That started the discussion flowing, especially about such things as "Could we even write such a thing?" It was somewhat decided that if any of the regular members were to try it, they might Flanderize the other members into oblivion.

The nature of my work keeps me from being online every day, so I missed a few days of discussion. By the time I jumped in, it was almost done.

Cue me being an idiot and volunteering to try to write such.

By the time I figured out that I was in deep trouble, it was too late of course. My original short snippet has now expanded to insane proportions, and will likely extend beyond just Wales to Mahora and the Magic World.

Now if I can just encourage myself and everyone else to write it...