Chapter 35: Days 15 to 24

About ten minutes after I crawled into bed to cuddle with Linka after her hypnosis session with Gaia, she begins to stir and her eyes flutter open.

"Hey there Sleeping Beauty," I say.

"I fell asleep again?"

"Yeah. Do you remember anything?"

"Nyet."

I sit up and she does the same. I put my arm around her and pull her against my side.

"It is not good news, is it?"

"Actually, it's the best news we could've hoped for. You're ok…nothing happened…nothing that we can't get you through anyway."

"You mean Skumm and I did not…"

"Nope. You slept alone in a closet every night," I tell her.

"Oh Wheeler," she says as she wraps her arms around me, buries her head in my shoulder, and begins to cry. "I am so relieved."

"I know Babe. I'm relieved too," I reply as a rest my head on top of hers and finally allow my own tears to fall.

After we've taken a few moments to compose ourselves, I lay us both back down to get comfortable. I kiss her forehead and she smiles at me. There's no need for words. I just look at her and silently communicate what we both already know. Everything is going to be ok. These last few weeks have really taken a toll on us. I don't think I've felt truly relaxed until this very moment. I close my eyes and fall asleep, with Linka safely in my arms. I have a feeling her nightmares will never return, but I still feel the need to protect her and until she tells me she doesn't need me anymore, I'll stay here with her.

Day 16

I've been awake for a while now, but have yet to let Linka know. I'm perfectly happy with just staying here for a little while longer. All day would work out just fine too. I could really get used to this; lying in bed with Linka after being wrapped in each others' arms all night as we slept. It's as though this is the way it's always been…the way it should always be. For the first time in a long time, I was able to sleep worry free…and I'm sure Linka did too. I can feel it. She's much more relaxed, less tense. At least that's one less thing she needs to worry about…one less thing WE need to worry about. Today is going to be a good day.

Her head is on my shoulder so I nuzzle my nose right above her ear, breathing in her sweet scent. I'm reluctant to let her know I'm awake because it'll mean we have to get up, but I know there's still a long road to recovery left ahead of us, but as nice as it sounds, staying in bed all day isn't going to help.

"So, what do you want to do today Babe?"

Maybe if I act tired, she'll take pity on me and want to stay here a little longer. I know what I want to do today, other than staying like this…a massage for her is also at the top of my list of things to do. Just to feel her soft skin. To see the goose bumps and to hear the sounds of approval that she makes…and know that I made that happen. I'm getting her body to react to my touch. She's still contemplating what she wants to do…maybe she's having a hard time coming out and asking me for a massage? I can only hope.

"It is probably about time we set up a proper diet and exercise routine, maybe some of those pamphlets you had might help?"

It's not the answer I wanted to hear…not at this moment anyways, but it's something I've been waiting for her to say. I didn't want to push too hard, but since she's taking the first step, this is actually huge progress. I'm just as happy to do this for her as I am to give her a massage. I'll gladly do this with her…but we've got all day…what's the rush? This is too nice.

"Sure thing… can we stay here a bit longer though? I had such a great nights sleep last night, I slept too heavy." I hug her to me to try and convince her. I think it's working, judging from that smile she gives me.

"Da, me too. It must have been the relief… of the good news."

Relief is putting it mildly. It's like the weight of the world has been lifted. It doesn't seem real. These last few weeks have been hell, but knowing that that burden is no longer overshadowing us…I think we can get through anything now. All that seems so long ago. When I woke up this morning, I wondered if maybe I was dreaming it. But now that Linka has just confirmed it, the relief, the good news…I want to say it out loud to confirm it to myself. To make it seem more real…for both of our sakes.

"The best news!" I agree as I kiss her forehead and then bury my face in her hair. I stay like that for a while, enjoying our closeness, before adding, "Thanks for trusting me Babe, even when you weren't sure."

"What do you mean?" She asks.

I rub her arm and snuggle closer, wanting to show her how tender I am capable of being and giving her an example of what I meant.

"You didn't know nothing bad had happened but you weren't afraid of me touching you… to comfort you I mean."

"I like you touching me."

I see her cheeks turning pink, and her words send a strange sensation through my body…but not to the part you're probably thinking. I'm talking about my heart. I know she only means it in an "as a friend" way, but even that means more to me than I can express. She's quick to clarify and make sure I know what she meant.

"Comforting me, I mean. I can still remember Skumm doing things… like leaning over me in his bed, and squeezing my arm or brushing a finger down my cheek or neck... Or rubbing my thigh when I was sitting next to him. He knew I did not like it but I did not complain openly and I felt dirty afterwards, even though it was not really anything more than flirting."

I wish she'd stop talking about it. It's making me sick with anger and jealousy. How dare he touch her? By making her uncomfortable, in a way, he still violated her. I hold her tighter and quickly try to get her to stop talking about it by whispering,

"It's okay."

However, she keeps going.

"I do trust you. But it is also not the same, I do not mind. There is nothing creepy or dirty about the way you touch me, even when you are flirting."

She's looking me right in the eyes as she says this, letting me know it's ok, and that she means it. I know I'm doing a horrible job of hiding how happy I am to hear that, so I'm not even gonna try. My reaction must be encouraging to her because she keeps going.

"I felt tainted when I returned to my senses, I was surprised that you even wanted to come near me, even though I know that is unfair to you, you are too good a friend to turn your back on me. But I still felt… unclean. No amount of showers could make that feeling go away, but you did. So thank you."

She buries her face in my shoulder, her courage gone and her shyness returning. For once, I'm speechless. I took that feeling away. I made her feel the feelings she's supposed to feel when someone touches her. It occurs to me that I may have just paved the way for some other guy. After all, I'm just "a good friend." But I can't think about that now. Right now, she's mine. I'm in her bed because she wants me to be. She's in my arms because that's where she wants to be…I think…for now anyway. I kiss her head, letting her know it's ok. She doesn't need to be embarrassed about her confession. I know that it wasn't easy for her. The fact that she's being so open with me puts me in a great mood. We both relax, once again in no hurry to leave the comfortable confines of our bed.

As we were lying there, I started thinking about how things have been between us. We were friends before. We're even better friends now…closer…if things have progressed this far, why should I think that it stops here? Why can't it be more? I don't have to settle for just being good friends…best friends. Wouldn't it make sense to be best friends with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Shouldn't that be the way all couples feel about each other? Why not us? Who cares what the others think…if Kwame thinks I'm taking advantage of the situation to get close to Linka, he doesn't know me at all. Tragedy brings people together, it happens all the time. A good thing coming from a bad thing helps the healing process. I know the truth. My feelings for Linka are genuine and they're not going away…no matter how hard I've tried to make them go away, they won't…they just get stronger and I love the way that makes me feel. I don't want these feelings to stop. I feel like I've grown up so much in just two weeks.

When we finally get up, I do my best to let her know that what she said earlier really meant a lot to me by allowing myself to be more open with my affection for her. We're alone, the others are off looking for new species of plant life deep in the jungle of the island…or something like that. I was only half listening when Ma-Ti told me that he saw an unfamiliar looking sapling when he was off meditating and that he, Kwame, and Gi were going to check it out. Whatever. I was distracted by Linka when she entered the room, holding back when she saw that I was having a conversation with Ma-Ti, but when she saw my attention had been diverted and fully devoted to her, she came further into the room. Once Ma-Ti had left, I immediately went to her side and pulled her to me. I'd only just left her room five minutes earlier, but it seemed longer.

With the others gone, we had the whole island to ourselves. We spent the whole day together out in the open instead of in the confines of either one of our rooms. It was nice feeling like we were no longer avoiding people. I held her when we were watching TV, put my arm around her when we were sitting on the beach, held her hand when we were walking, pulled her against me and hug her for no reason…I was even taking more opportunities to kiss her…mostly just the usual comforting kiss on the head or temple, but every once in a while, I'd get bold enough to give her a quick, innocent kiss on the lips. Nothing more than a peck. No big deal…really…it was nothing…and yet, as simple as it was…it was everything. This is what it would be like every day if we were a couple…this and more…so much more. And I don't mean just the physical aspect. Sure, I can show her how I feel…but what I really want is the freedom to tell her. I don't just want to be able to say "I love you" whenever I feel like it. I want to be able to tell her, "I need you," "you're everything to me" "I'm nothing without you" "You make my life complete." I could go on forever.

Day: 23

A week has passed since we learned the good news and established a diet and work out plan for her. She's being stubborn when it comes to the fitness program we came up with. I won't let her cut any corners. Slacking off is only going to hurt her in the end. She needs to stick to it as closely as possible. Earlier on in her recovery, I told her I wouldn't push her…if she didn't want to eat, I didn't force her, but she'd at least try in order to prove to me that she wanted to get better. Not now though…now I've got to be more strict with her. Push her a little harder. Get her to do 10 push ups instead of five…get those muscles working again.

Gi even approached me the other day and suggested that maybe I was taking it too hard on Linka and should ease up a bit. That's EXACTLY why no one else can get her through this like I can. I'm used to fighting with Linka. Everyone else shies away from confrontation with her. We're not really fighting of course, we're just pushing each others buttons like we used to. Challenging her and she's battling me…but in the end, she'll do anything to prove me wrong, to show me that she CAN do it. Do I feel guilty for having to be the bad guy? Sure. I wish we could just relax all day and just sit around talking, getting closer, flirting…but when we clash, that's when I feel closest to her. When I realize that we are so much alike, it's scary. It's when she doesn't put up a fight that I know that something isn't right…that it's not a good day. And she still has bad days sometimes…but that's normal.

Right now though, we're snuggling on the couch, warm and cozy under the same blanket. I'm not really able to concentrate on the movie because I sense something is bothering her. She's really restless…like she can't get comfortable. I wonder if maybe I'm the one making her uncomfortable, so I let my arms drop to my sides instead of being wrapped around her as she leaned into my side, but as soon as I release her, she turns to look up at me, and then reaches down to take my hand in hers and drapes it back around her. I hold her tightly and rub my cheek against the side of her head before turning to brush my lips against her ear as I ask her if she's ok. She just sighs and shrugs her shoulders. I guess it's the withdrawal. I do my best to silently let her know that I'm there for her. Giving her a little squeeze, holding her hand, tracing random patterns on her palm, playing with her fingers, marveling at how big my hand is compared to hers…and yet how perfectly they fit together. I hope she still allows me to do this when she's better.

The video has ended and as much as I hate to end this, I ask,

"Time for bed Ruskie Tootskie?"

"I do not want to get up," she protests.

"Meaning you don't want to go to bed yet, or you just don't want to move?" I ask as I playfully poke my finger into her side.

She whines, it's the cutest noise ever, and turns so that her back is against me.

This position suits me just fine. I put both my arms around her waist and search for that certain spot on her neck that I discovered by accident once. She's putty in my hands when I find it. When I hear her breath catch in her throat, I smile against her skin.

"I'm gonna turn everything off and tidy up. That's not gonna take me long, and then I'm gonna carry you to our room and massage away all of your tension," I murmur into her neck.

Yeah, I know I said "our room," because that's what I think of it as. One of these days, I'll carry her to our room, lay her down on our bed, and that massage I promised will lead to something else…not tonight though. She still needs me to be there for her. To get her through this, unselfishly. Her needs must come before my own. They always will. But someday, her needs will change. She'll need me the same way that I need her. I see the slight smile she is trying to hide…is it because I called it "our" room or is she just excited about the prospect of a massage? Both I hope. I know she looks forward to those massages…I wonder if she knows how much I look forward to them too?

Day 24

As much as I hate the idea of getting out of bed, of letting her go, it's what's best for her; our morning walks have turned into light jogs mixed with walking.

"Time to get up Beautiful." I say, trying to sound enthusiastic.

"Nyet."

I can't say that I blame her. She knows I'd rather just stay here with her and is using that to her advantage. I nuzzle her and say,

"Babe come on, we have a routine to maintain."

"I do not care."

"I know what you want," I tease, rubbing her arm. "But it'll have to wait until after our run."

"You sound like Skumm, now leave me alone."

She turns her back to me and my heart stops. Skumm? I made her think of Skumm? She just compared me to the rat man that made her feel dirty? What do I say to that? I wasn't implying…I didn't mean sex.

After a few moments, I set the record straight.

"I meant a massage Linka, I wasn't coming on to you," I say flatly.

"I do not care, I just want to sleep."

"Okay." There are some days when it's ok to argue with her, to push her. Today is not one of those days. I don't need to add to her problems. I get up out of our bed and rearrange the covers around her, making sure she's completely covered and remains warm. "I really wasn't suggesting anything…"

"I know."

It sounds like she's crying. Do I go to her? Do I leave her alone? Is she crying because of what I said? I don't want to push the issue and apologize again…she gets mad at me when I apologize too much after she's "absolved" me of any wrong doing. I don't want to leave her, but things are pretty awkward right now. Maybe we need some time apart. Although when she's like this, I hate to be away from her. I can't get the image of finding her nearly drowned in the bathtub out of my head. What if she hadn't passed out before she made the fatal cuts? What if I hadn't been there to pull her out from under the water?

I can't think about this anymore. I'll get a quick shower, give her some time, and maybe when I'm done, her mood will have changed.

When I come back into her room, she has the covers up over her head. I don't know if she's fallen back to sleep, or is she just hiding from me…shutting me out?

"I'm gonna get some clean clothes on and make breakfast…You want me to bring you back some?"

If she doesn't answer me, it means she's asleep…or ignoring me.

"Nyet."

Well, she's not asleep…but she's pretty much ignoring me.

I leave her there to go get some breakfast. There's no sense in suffering through her silent treatment AND being hungry…although my appetite has diminished significantly since our little battle started, there's no point in staying here and aggravating her.

When I got to the kitchen the others were just finishing up. Gi made a crack about how I was up early…then she asked where Linka was. I didn't want to tell them that she was having a bad day. I didn't want them over analyzing anything and thinking her recovery wasn't progressing. So I just told them she was getting showered and dressed. They seemed to accept that. Then they told me of their plans for the day and asked if Linka and I would be interested in joining them. If she wasn't having a bad day, I'm sure she would've loved this opportunity to get out and feel like a part of the group again...but not today. I told them that we didn't have time to get ready, she still needed to have breakfast and didn't want to hold them up. They seemed to accept that also. Just like I've accepted that Linka is having a bad day and although she's acting like she wants nothing to do with me, she actually needs me more today than most days. And she doesn't need me to treat her any differently. So that's what I do. Go back to her room and act as if nothing is wrong.

"Breakfast was boring, you didn't miss much." I say as I kick off my shoes. "The others are off to lecture at some youth club, much good it'll do, you know what teenagers are like. I think you've got the right idea today."

I take off my shirt, slip back into bed, and wrap my arms around her, spooning behind her.

She rolls onto her back and then turns to look at me.

"Why?" She asks softly.

"Huh?"

"After what I said to you, why did you come back?"

She's been crying. Has she been crying the whole time I was gone? Was she crying because I was gone? Did she think I left and wasn't coming back? I feel guilty. I tenderly wipe away her tears with my thumb. Wait…maybe she didn't want me to come back…maybe she was trying to get rid of me. I have to know, so I ask,

"Didn't you want me to?"

She nods and I feel the relief wash over me. I rearrange us until I find a position that we both find comfortable.

"I know it's hard to believe right now, but the way you're feeling isn't going to last, it's part of he withdrawal," I try to reassure her.

"Nyet, I was getting better, I am past that," she insists.

I love it when I get to prove her wrong.

"If you'd read the pamphlets, you'd know that you have to expect days like this. Days when it all catches up with you."

"So how do I make it go away?" She asks.

She sounds so vulnerable. I know she hates seeming weak. I know she hates feeling that way even more. I have to let her know that it's ok. That the best thing we can do, is do what her instincts told her to do…what I wanted to do anyway…stay in bed.

"Exactly what we're doing, cuddle up and wait for it to go away." I say as I kiss her nose. "Let me know if you get hungry, I'll go fix you something."

She doesn't answer me. Instead, she turns onto her side. She's not being rude. She's getting into our favorite sleeping position. I love being like this. My arm pillowing her head, my other arm draped over her waist, her hand holding mine in place over her stomach. This is by no means a solution to how she's feeling, but I hope it helps, even if it's just a little. I know I feel better just knowing that she's allowing me to stay…that she wants me to stay.

To Be Continued…

Don't forget, in order to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Linka's side of the story in Chapter 35 of LouiseX's Codependence.