Disclaimers: I don't own PLL.
This work includes: Violence, Mentions of Child Abuse, Murder, Suicidal Thoughts, Sex Scenes, Coarse Language. PTSD.
The next few days at the Fields home were different, the early tension Alison had felt from Mrs Fields was almost completely gone, especially every time Pam would catch sight of Emily leaning into Alison or giggling at something the blonde had whispered into Emily's ear. Alison was trying to make herself as useful as possible around the house and apart from caring for Pepe and trying to make sure he didn't destroy anything, she also helped Pam with meals. Emily took great pleasure in teasing Alison that she was obviously sucking up and Alison had quipped back she wanted to be the perfect daughter in law, Emily had turned bright red and promptly dropped the subject.
That was one of the major issues Alison felt they were facing neither wanted to be the first one to label what they were, they cuddled, slept together and exchanged all kinds of affection but there was no kissing, no declarations of undying love, no dates and absolutely no sex. It wasn't so much that Alison missed all of those it was that she was slowly starting to accept that she never really had them, at least not the way she had in her head and she was determined to make them a reality but first they needed to work through their collective and separate issues. All of them.
When Pam and Wayne went shopping for renovations supplies, Ali took the opportunity to sit down with Emily and talk about everything that had happened. They sat crossed legged on the lounge room floor facing each other.
"You sure you're up for this?" Alison questioned again, she really didn't want to push Emily but they needed to do this at some point.
Emily nodded but pulled Pepe a little closer on her lap, he was being unusually quiet like he understood the importance of peace at the moment.
"Alright," Alison nodded trying to steel herself for this. "How much do you know?"
"The police told me about Bethany and Andrew," Emily admitted. "Bethany was in the dollhouse with us."
Alison nodded.
"Bethany and Andrew are my cousins, my mother… she killed her sister, their mom and-"
"Bethany went to Radley," Emily nodded. "The police said thats why they claim they did it, cause you were five and-"
"And my mother convinced me to lie about what I saw," Alison ducked her head in shame.
Emily grabbed her hand gently.
"You were five, Ali," Emily reminded her.
Alison nodded. She still had a bit of a way to go before she felt like she could forgive herself for the very lie that started this whole mess.
"Lets.. um.." Alison took a deep breath. "How do you feel about the A Team?"
Emily shook her head.
"Betrayed, confused, they were our friends Ali at least I thought some of them were," Emily whispered.
"I know," Alison nodded. "Sydney was your friend right?"
They were avoiding the elephant in the room and Alison felt like a coward for not directing it.
"Yes," Emily nodded. "But I knew she was with Jenna and that she couldn't be trusted."
"Right," Alison gulped. "And Paige?"
Emily flinched and Ali squeezed her hand in what the blonde hoped was a comforting manner.
"I don't know if I can ever forgive her," Emily shook her head she was angry, confused and conflicted Alison could see.
"She wasn't always on the A Team," Alison admitted softly. "She only joined when they needed to fake Mona's murder and-"
"She thought she killed you," Emily cried angrily. "I grieved you and she.. she knew or thought she knew what happened to you because she hit that girl."
"The police told you a lot, huh," Alison noted, because what else could she say.
"And then she set you up for murder so Bethany wouldn't reveal her crimes," Emily whispered. "I feel like I never even knew her."
Alison grasped Emily's hand with both of her own.
"You did, Em," Alison promised. "You made her into a person who was appalled by what she'd done, so much so that she lied about it. You made her into the best version she could ever be."
"You're defending her," Emily shrieked pulling her hand away.
Alison clenched her fists to stop herself from grabbing Emily's retreating hand.
"I'm just… she's not a horrible person, Emily, she just did some really horrible things," Alison pleaded.
"I can't believe you're defending her. She tried to kill you," Emily raged.
"I know, believe I know," Alison shuddered. "But she also wanted to kill herself for what I had done to her. What I put her through."
"That's not an excuse," Emily sagged somewhat.
"I know," Alison rubbed tiredly at her face. "Please Em I'm not trying to fight with you."
"Why would you defend her?" Emily whispered.
Alison took a deep breath, she needed to just be honest.
"Because if you can't forgive Paige how… how can you ever forgive me?" Alison admitted looking to the carpet. "What I put you through Em…"
Alison trailed off in shame.
"Ali," Emily called. "Ali look at me."
Alison looked up hesitantly, Emily's eyes were also wet.
"I forgive you," Emily stressed.
Alison sniffled and tried to smile but it got swallowed up as Emily reached for both of Ali's hands.
"You are not a horrible person," Emily continued looking Alison dead in the eye to convey her sincerity.
"You saved my life Ali, you saved us all," Emily whispered.
"I didn't have a choice," Alison admitted. "I couldn't.. I don't know what I'd do without you."
Emily squeezed her hands.
"Well now you don't have to find out," Emily smiled.
"Em I really don't think Paige… you made her into a better person," Alison choked somewhat. "But you didn't do that for me."
Emily cocked her head in confusion.
"You don't make me a better person, Em," Alison confessed. "You make me want to make myself into a better person for you, I want so badly to be the person you deserve."
"You already are, Ali," Emily whispered slipping closer, Pepe slid out of her lap as she shifted onto her knees. "You don't have to prove yourself anymore, not to me."
"But I-"
"You have changed so much," Emily marvelled. "You've fought so hard to not be that person who uses people, Ali. I can see that, so why can't you?"
"Everything that happened, happened because-"
"Because your mother was a terrible person and so were your cousins but Ali it wasn't you, you made mistakes and you hurt people but you never killed anyone and you never terrorized us and I'm so sorry I didn't believe you."
"I did kill someone Em, I killed Maya and.." Alison hiccuped.
"And I know better than anyone how that feels like, Ali, trust me," Emily sadly nodded. "You have to forgive yourself. You did what had to be done but it doesn't mean its not eating away at you."
Alison collapsed into Emily's arms, burrowing into Emily's collarbone.
"I.. killed her and she…" Alison blubbered through her tears. "I took a life. How can you not hate me?"
"You're safe because of what you did, you're here and alive and.. thats everything, Ali," Emily whispered into her ear. "Don't let her take your life, please."
Alison calmed somewhat as Emily rocked her tightly.
"You're so strong and brave and fearless-"
"I wasn't fearless," Ali whispered. "I was so worried I was going to lose you, Em."
"I know," Emily nodded, kissing Ali's forehead. "But you didn't."
Emily pulled Alison's face up gently.
"I'm so sorry I slapped you, Ali," Emily whispered regretfully.
"It's ok," Ali sniffled. "I deserved-"
"No," Emily firmly argued. "Its not okay and you never deserved any of that, you hear me."
Alison nodded looking into Emily's serious brown eyes, they softened as Emily smiled gently.
"No one deserves any of this," Emily mumbled.
Alison breathed a heavy sigh, trying to let go of everything that had happened.
"I'm so sorry Emily, sorry you got dragged into this," Alison shuddered.
"Shhh," Emily wrapped her arms tightly around Alison. "You didn't drag me into anything and I need you."
"I need you too," Alison whispered. "So much."
"You're my best friend, Ali," Emily whispered.
Alison felt like she had been punched in the gut. Best Friend. Friend.
"You're my… best friend too, Em," Alison muttered.
Sometime later when they had both calmed down enough to keep talking Alison needed an answer to something that was eating away at her.
"Em you seem more mad at Paige's betrayal than Maya's?" Alison bluntly asked, cursing herself for being so direct when Emily froze. "We don't have to talk about this-"
"No," Emily nodded to herself. "You're right."
Alison waited patiently for Emily to start.
"I guess because I… I let go of Maya a long time ago, I grieved for her and I moved on," Emily gulped. "It was different from when you were gone, I guess part of never really wanted to believe you left."
Alison smiled sadly, her disappearance had really hurt all her friends on a very primal level, she could only imagine what it felt like to find their intuition had been right and their lost friend wasn't murdered.
"I refuse to believe that was Maya," Emily looked to Alison solemnly. "The person who attacked you was.. she was sick and she wasn't my Maya."
Alison nodded, she didn't necessarily agree and from what Maya had taunted her with the other girl hadn't really felt anything for Emily. But if this was how Emily decided to cope then Alison would help as much as she could. Emily didn't need to know about all of Maya's betrayal, it wouldn't change anything.
"I know it seems crazy and stupid," Emily admitted.
"It doesn't," Alison gently cut in. "I.. I have the same problem with my mother."
Emily's eyes hardened a fraction and she reached for Ali's hand again.
"None of that was your fault, Ali," Emily stressed.
"I know, but she was my mom and sometimes, sometimes she was a really good mom," Alison choked memories of a pleasant woman who praised Alison came flooding back. "And other times she wasn't."
"She gave me her blessing once," Emily admitted, tracing her fingers along Alison's palm.
Alison titled her head not understanding what Emily meant at all.
"Your mom, I was trying to figure out if she knew you were alive and she told me that.. that she couldn't have asked for a better person to love you… than me," Emily whispered.
Alison sat stunned. She didn't even know where to begin processing such a revelation, did Jessica know of Ali's owns feelings for Emily or just of Emily's feelings for Alison. And how did Ali's mother even know?
"Ali," Emily gently questioned. "I'm sorry if that upset you."
"No," Alison shook her head. "I just.. I don't understand she never said anything."
"She said she wished you could have returned my feelings," Emily muttered staring at the floor.
But I do, Alison wanted to cry and it was on the tip of her tongue as the front door opened and Pepe bounded over to greet Wayne and Pam.
"Girls can you come help unpack the car?" Wayne called.
Emily got to her feet first pulling Alison up with her and the moment officially passed.
Weeks passed and slowly Emily and Alison fell back into a familiar friendship, Alison found herself waking with Emily in her arms and only just catching herself before she kissed her sleeping mermaid as she would have done in her stupid imagination. Little by little though her dreams slipped away, replaced by Emily giggling hysterically when she beat Alison at poker, only this time there was no steamy ending, cuddling up to movies but no kisses were pressed to the back of Alison's neck and sleeping wrapped around her love who considered them best friends. And they were, Emily was the best best friend Ali had ever had but the brunette was so much more than that she was Alison's mermaid. And Alison didn't know how to get them to the place were Emily would understand what that actually meant, so she just stopped pushing.
The natural tension their friendship had always had, even before either of them realized what was causing it, was still present and living under the same roof it seemed to double daily. They'd run into each other in hallway and do that dance trying to get round the other, Emily had stormed into the bathroom more than once to Alison in varying stages of undress afterwards Emily wouldn't be able to look in her in the eye for a good two hours, they'd caught each other more than once just lost in thought, staring across the breakfast table. There was constant snuggling, while watching movies, sitting close to each other or sleeping and it was all incredibly intimate. Emily especially liked to slip her hand under Ali's tops and trace her fingers across the blonde's stomach, making all of Ali's muscles quiver. It was its own sweet torture to be so close and then never close enough. Alison longed to do something, anything to relieve her growing frustrations but she refused to push Emily and she wanted the other girl to come to her, when Emily was ready and not a moment sooner.
The one thing that Alison found harder to deal with than the mounting tension between herself and Emily was the fact that Emily flat out refused to open up about the dollhouse, to anyone. She'd taken to shutting out Spencer, Hanna and Aria and would seize up whenever Alison mentioned them, especially when Ali took phone calls from Spencer and tried to get Emily to join in. Spencer was politely reluctant to talk to Emily as well, not that Alison could get Emily to stay in the room long enough to talk to Spencer. Whatever had happened to them in the dollhouse it was eating away at them all. Alison hadn't seen Spencer in person since she couldn't bring herself to leave Emily and Hanna and Aria were both refusing her calls. Aria was still under house arrest awaiting news on her charges regarding Shana's murder, but Spencer was hopeful that it would all work out. Alison doubted Hanna was leaving her house much either as reporters still swarmed Emily and Spencer's places. They were still hot news even weeks later and Alison wondered how long it would take for the hype to finally die down.
Good things had come from their weeks together though apart from their growing friendship Emily and Alison had finally started putting touches on Emily's new bedroom, the walls had been stripped back and cleaned and Alison was excited to start painting.
"I swear you're more excited about this than I am," Emily mumbled affectionately.
Alison bounced on the balls of her feet with enthusiasm.
"I've never gotten to decorate a room from scratch," Alison beamed. "Come on isn't this fun?"
"Yeah, fun and tedious," Emily grumbled but she smiled when Alison pouted. "Fine it won't be that bad. Its not like putting up houses in Haiti in comparison to that this will be a piece of cake."
"I always forget how butch you are," Alison playfully teased with a hand to her cocked hip.
"Really?" Emily wrinkled her nose. "Butch isn't really what I'd label myself as."
"Alright sporty," Alison offered with a laugh when Emily stuck out her tongue. "Don't wag that thing at me unless you plan to use it, Fields."
Alison smirked as Emily flushed and looked down to the paint can she was prying open. It felt good to be flirting, at least Alison hoped Emily could see what she was doing. What if Emily thought Alison was teasing her like before Ali disappeared.
"Do you want to do the edges or the roller?" Emily asked pouring the paint.
"Edges," Alison answered taking the small brush.
Emily took the roller with little complaint and they worked the lilac paint over the wall, Alison cutting in the edges carefully and Emily evenly spreading the roller. Two walls down Alison shook out her hand.
"This does hurt after a while," she grumbled.
"Hand cramp?" Emily asked working her roller.
"Just a little," Alison massaged her own palm and shook her hand again.
"Gah," Emily gasped as paint specks flew across her face. "Guess thats what I get for standing behind you."
Alison covered her mouth in shock.
"Sorry, Em," she muttered though she was trying to contain her smile. "Purple looks good on you though."
"Really," Emily smirked dangerously edging closer, roller in hand. "I always thought purple was more your colour, Ali."
"Don't even think about it," Alison threatened backing up slightly.
"Careful," Emily called but it was too late and Alison tripped on the paint can and fell back into the wall. The still very wet wall.
Emily laughed as Alison shrieked in horror.
"This is not funny," Alison whined the paint made a wet squelch as she pulled herself off it.
"Really, cause from over here its hilarious," Emily beamed, trying to control her laughter.
"You are so going to get it," Alison shook her head advancing on Emily.
"Come on, Ali," Emily pleaded holding up her hands. "I got got first."
Emily gestured to the specks on her face.
"You're right," Alison soothed. "Let me get that for you."
Emily smiled as Alison reached out for her cheek, she closed her eyes and Alison grinned wickedly as her paintbrush trailed down Emily's cheek.
"Ah, Ali," Emily cried her eyes flying open to take in Alison's impish grin.
Alison smiled sweetly as Emily wiped at her wet cheek with her t-shirt. Alison studied the room for a moment while Emily grumbled to herself.
"I only want you to have good memories in here, Em," Alison whispered, voicing her inner thoughts. "A new room, a new set of memories."
Emily stopped wiping at her cheek and studied Alison for a moment.
"I will, Ali," Emily promised, placing a hesitant hand to Alison's shoulder. "We both will."
Alison nodded gently as she turned to face Emily, the brunette's dark eyes searched her face for a long moment and Alison held herself still under the scrutiny her smile waned as Emily's face took on a more serious composure.
"Only good memories?" Emily asked, something in her voice was off though Alison couldn't put her finger on what it was, like Emily was trying to control her nerves.
"Only the best," Alison promised, and she meant it, she would find a way to keep only the best memories in Emily's new room.
"I was hoping you'd say that," Emily beamed.
With two sure hands she cupped Alison's cheeks and drew Ali to her, just before their lips met Emily hung back. Alison having closed her eyes as soon as Emily cupped her cheeks whined pitifully when Emily's lips were held just out of reach. That seemed to be what Emily was waiting for, some kind of sign Alison wanted this just as desperately. Emily leaned down and kissed Alison gently, a sure pressure that sent sparks all the way to Alison's toes. She'd missed this, thought she'd never get it again, she pressed forward deepening the kiss and Emily's mouth fell open in a stunned gasp, Alison wondered how she ever convinced herself she would be able to live without this.
Alison's paintbrush fell to the ground as her hands snaked around Emily's waist drawing the brunette in tighter as Emily titled the blonde's head and massaged her tongue. Alison moaned into Emily's mouth as the brunette moved them across the room and into the wall, pushing Alison against it, her hands drifted to the blonde's sides, as she started to pull up Alison's shirt the blonde came back to herself.
"The wall," Alison panted, her head was dizzy and she could hardly catch her breath, everything she had ever felt for Emily was spinning inside her head, she blinked trying to clear the competing memories.
"Screw the wall," Emily mumbled seizing Alison's lips again.
"Mmm," Alison arched into Emily's persistent mouth before she pushed the brunette off. "Em, we need to talk and- oh god."
Emily surged forward her lips trailing to Alison's neck, sucking at the skin as the blonde shook.
"Fuck," Ali muttered, her head falling back as Emily marked her neck. "Always with the marking."
"What?" Emily asked retracting her lips.
"Nothing, never mind," Alison muttered quickly.
Emily seemed to gain control of herself once more and took a deep breath stepping away as Alison once again peeled herself off the wall.
"Sorry," Emily sheepishly admitted. "I got a little carried away."
Emily reached out a hand intent to touch Alison's new hickey but she dropped her hand quickly. Alison grasped Emily's falling hand and placed it on her neck, the only way they were going to get over this hesitance was if Ali addressed it straight on.
"Never apologize for wanting me, Em," Alison stressed. "I want you just as much, I promise."
Emily looked back in disbelief before she nodded in understanding, her thumb brushing across Ali's new bruise.
"I shouldn't have marked you," Emily whispered.
"You shouldn't have pushed me into a wet wall," Alison corrected. "The marking I like."
"Really?" Emily asked in disbelief.
Alison giggled stepping up into Emily's personal space again she linked her hands behind Emily's neck as Emily's hands automatically fell to her waist.
"Really," Alison promised. "I love you, Em."
"I love you too, Ali," Emily whispered pressing her forehead against Alison's. "And this is the best memory ever."
Alison giggled before pecking Emily's lips.
"Oh, mermaid," Alison smirked. "Its just the beginning."
Everything was perfect. Alison had a family who cared about her, a dog who loved her endlessly and a girl who loved her even more. But what made it perfect was now there was kissing. Not even hidden kissing, that stopped whenever Pam and Wayne came home, nope Alison refused to hide her mermaid and Emily was adamant her parents would be supportive. And they were, incredibly supportive, they even let Ali and Emily still share a bed once the brunette's new room was completed. They weren't particularly happy when they found the girls had abandoned painting to get reacquainted with each others lips though but they got over it.
No everything was finally perfect, there was just one thing that would make it better.
"Ali I don't-"
"I know, mermaid," Alison soothed her girlfriend, stroking her fingers through Emily's hair as they lay on the grass in the backyard.
Alison didn't want to taint Emily's new space with this conversation and she had figured the fresh air would help to remind Emily she wasn't enclosed or trapped while they talked.
"I don't think I can.."
"As little or as much as you want to tell me, Em," Alison promised. "We can get you a professional if you'd prefer."
"No," Emily shook her head sitting up. "I want to do this with you."
Alison nodded sitting up as well and they turned to face each other.
"After we tried to escape," Emily shuddered before she took a deep breath and Ali squeezed her hand in support. "They, I don't know who, separated us I was in my own room for days and then the door opened."
Alison nodded trying to encourage Emily to keep opening up but the brunette was lost in her own dark thoughts.
"The little lights that led me down the hall went to this other room and I followed them, I tried calling out for the others but no one answered," Emily squeezed her eyes closed for a moment.
"Just breath, Em, you're not there you're here with me," Alison stressed, rubbing her thumb along Emily's hand.
"It was this little room with a chair and a table," Emily clenched her fists suddenly. "The door slammed shut when I got and this robot voice explained.."
Emily trailed off and Alison waited patiently for Emily to keep going. When the brunette didn't say anything more Alison squeezed her fingers gently.
"Explained?" Alison prompted.
Emily looked to Alison for a moment as though just realizing the blonde was there, she shook her head again.
"Explained the rules," Emily finally continued. "There were three switches and under them was a picture of the others."
"Spencer, Aria and Hanna?" Alison clarified.
Emily tensed at the mention of their names but nodded.
"Yeah. The voice said that I had to choose," Emily whispered softly. "I had to choose who to hurt, they said it would…"
"Em," Alison called. "We can stop-"
"It was like a sharp jolt," Emily uttered softly. "It hurt but it wasn't unbearable, they said I had to choose to inflict that pain on one of the others."
"Oh god," Alison whispered before she could stop herself.
"I didn't want to, Ali," Emily pleaded. "You have to believe me, I tried so hard not to, but they played this really loud buzzing noise and it just wouldn't. Stop."
Alison sat up on her knees and drew Emily into her embrace.
"I held out for as long as I could," Emily sighed, sagging into Alison. "I picked Spencer."
Tears started to stream down Emily's face.
"I picked her because she's the strongest," Emily hiccuped through her pain. "She screamed so loud I could hear it through the walls."
"Em its not your fault," Alison stressed gripping Emily tighter, trying to take away the guilt Emily seemed to be choking on.
"It is," Emily cried. "Because I chose to hurt Spencer, to save myself, I wanted her to pick me too for all of them to pick me."
Alison tried to blink away her own tears.
"But they never did, Ali," Emily gasped trying to breath through her tears. "I never felt another jolt and I just kept pressing Spencer's button."
Alison rubbed at Emily's back.
"You didn't have a choice this is no ones fault but those sick bastards, Em you know that," Alison desperately tried to get through to the brunette.
"How can they ever forgive me?" Emily whispered as she pulled away from Alison. "We played the game several times a day or week, I don't know, but they cheated the buttons changed, when I hit Spencer Aria would scream I couldn't-"
Alison wiped at Emily's cheeks softly and then tried to direct Emily's gaze to her own wet blue eyes.
"You did what you had to do, they know that," Alison stressed.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Emily cried collapsing into Alison's chest.
Alison rocked Emily gently and pressed a kiss to her dark hair.
"I know," Alison whispered.
They stayed like that for a long time, Emily crying for what she had done to her friends and Alison trying to comfort her hurting mermaid. One thing Alison knew for sure was that she was not going to let this ruin the girls. She refused to let Bethany and Andrew win.