This one's for Roar! And thanks to everyone who's been checking in!

Chapter 44 Day 39

"If you do not want to come with me, do not bother, I will go on my own," she says angrily.

She's challenging me. She's better now, I know that. She probably could do this without me…if it weren't for Dmitri. I'm worried about what he'll say to her. I think she wants me come with her, but is testing me. Part of me is tempted to play along. To say "Okay, fine. I'll stay home," and see her reaction…will she change her mind and tell me she wants me to come? No. It's still too soon to fall back into our old habits of intentionally pissing each other off. But I can still play her game. I narrow my eyes at her in my own challenge.

"You know I'm not gonna let you go on your own."

A relieved look flashes across her features, very briefly, quickly replaced by that defiance that has always been her trademark.

"I do not need your permission. I am not sick anymore and I am not going to put up with you in a bad mood. Besides, I think I can spend ONE NIGHT with my FAMILY without you babysitting me!"

"Really? Cuz that's what we thought last time and look how that turned out!"

Oh shit. You idiot!

As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew it was the worst possible thing I could have said. And why did I say it? Is winning an argument that important to me that I could say something so cruel to the one person that means more to me than anyone ever has before? I hope she slaps me. She should slap me. I WANT her to slap me. Multiple times. Instead, her eyes begin to water. Idiot.

All my fight is completely gone. All I can do is sigh and apologize.

"Sorry."

I know there's so much more I should say…but I'm not trusting myself right now. I seem to keep saying all the wrong things.

She just shrugs…apology not accepted.

I get up from my chair, abandoning my food. I'm not hungry anymore anyway. I walk over to her and tentatively reach out to her, rubbing the top of her arms. When she doesn't pull away, I pull her into my arms and reiterate my sincerest regrets.

"I am sorry."

Her only response is to snuggle against me and nod her head. I guess I'm getting the silent treatment. I deserve much worse though. I still wish she would have hit me…or at least yelled at me and called me all the things I was calling myself…and then some. If she's not going to talk, I will. I need to explain myself.

"It's too soon Babe. I know you're practically over the withdrawal and I'm amazed by the strength you've shown, but as much as we'd both like the bad stuff to be over, we've still got a long way to go."

She's still silent. I continue,

"I know you want to go to this memorial dinner or whatever it is, I just don't

think you should put yourself through it... And all the added stress." I tighten my embrace on her. She returns my hug and says,

"By added stress, I assume you mean my Uncle."

Bingo!

"He's part of it, sure... a big part of it. But there was a whole bunch of things you had to deal with at the funeral and I don't want to see you go through that again."

It's not because I don't think she's capable of handling things…I just don't want her to have to go through it alone. I just want to hold her like this and keep her safe. I nuzzle her head and take a deep breath…taking in as much of her as I can incase she decides that she doesn't need me anymore…that she's better and she's no longer willing to tolerate my continual stupidity.

"Then you should stay here," she says softly. "I have already put you through more than any friend has a right to ask. I will be okay on my own."

I tighten my arms around her and insist,

"No way in hell! If you go, I go!"

"But..."

I don't let her continue, pressing my lips to her hair and shushing her soothingly.

"Believe me Babe, what I'd go through here, worrying about what you're going

through..." I laugh humorlessly at the thought of how miserable we'd both be. "We'll both be better off if we stick together, no matter what we have to deal with."

"Da," she replies, looking up at me, her eyes are still full of tears, but there's a brightness to them now. A realization that I'm right. We still need each other. I wonder if she can see the relief in my eyes as well? I'm not ready to give her up and let her go.

Things still seem a bit tense between us, even though our argument from earlier ended in an agreement and a hug…I'm almost positive it has to do with what I said about what happened to her the last time we let her go off on her own. I wish there was a way to erase that moment. I wish I thought before I spoke, but as usual, my emotions get the best of me and I speak before thinking. If she's mad, she's hiding it well. Actually, I think she's over compensating for it.

She won't leave my side. When I offer to go get us something to eat, she comes with me. When I get up to use the rest room, she asks where I'm going. It's like she thinks that I'm trying to get away from her…or that she thinks I won't come back. For someone who was so ready to go off on her own a few hours ago, she sure isn't acting like it now. Is this part of the withdrawal? I thought we were over the worst of it, but her behavior today is pretty odd. It makes me question even more if she's ready for the added pressure of going back to be with her family.

I'm still not ready to go back to the Soviet Union. I think this time around might be harder than the first time. True, Linka is much better than she was then, but I'm worried about her Uncle. Has he calmed down any since the last time? Not that I expect him to ever get over the loss of his son, but is he thinking more rationally and no longer blaming us? I'm sure that thought has crossed her mind and as much as I think we need to talk about this, I don't want to bring it up.

I wonder if something else is bothering her? It seems like her mind is pre-occupied.

"We should have an early night. We will have to leave very early in the morning," she says.

So soon? It's still light out and we're in the middle of a game of chess…a game that she INSISTED on playing. It's not that I don't like playing chess with her, but I have to be in the mood for a thinking game like chess, and after our argument earlier, I didn't feel like concentrating on much. I sigh in frustration. Not at her…just…ABOUT her and this strange mood that she's in.

"Do you want to go to bed now, or can we finish the game?" I ask.

"I meant after the game."

Clearly she's lost interest in it. She's not even trying anymore. She's made a few stupid moves that have given me the advantage. It's obvious that she doesn't want to play anymore. I sigh again,

"Let's call it a night Babe, I don't think either of us are in the mood for this."

"Okay," she says quietly.

I put the pieces away and follow her into bed. I don't know how much good going to bed early is going to do. I'm not even tired so I'll probably just lie here, tossing and turning all night. The only thing that will keep me still is her. She has nestled herself tightly against me…not that I mind. I'm just worried about her and her strange behavior. She's holding onto me like I'm going go to somewhere…or she is. Is that what this is all about? She's feeling better…well enough to think that she could have gone back home by herself? She doesn't need me anymore. Maybe after we get back from the Soviet Union…or maybe while we're there, she'll tell me she doesn't need me. Maybe this trip is a test. Tonight may be our last night together.

Knowing this does very little to make me want to sleep. Now I want to stay up and savor this moment as much as I can for as long as I can. This could be the last time. That explains her behavior…she's not sure how to tell me. How to let me down easily. How do you tell someone you don't need them anymore? Will it matter if I tell her that I need her more than I ever thought I would? No, I can't do that. This isn't about me and my feelings. It never was. If she's better that's all that matters. My job is done. It's been nice. I sure am going to miss this…miss her.

I tighten my grip on her and nuzzle my nose into her hair, trying to commit her to memory. In a few days, memories will be all I'll have.

To Be Continued…

And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Linka's side of the story in Chapter 44 of LouiseX's Codependence!