Chapter Six – Day Six Continued

"It's ok Babe, nothing's gonna ever hurt you again. Let it out. You've been holding it in too long." Wheeler tells me, and sitting in his lap, tucked up safely in his arms, I cannot help but believe him.

He is not wearing a shirt so I can feel his muscles… the strength in them, combined with such tenderness, I never want him to let go.

I like the feel of his skin under my cheek… it is strange the way the mind focuses on irrelevancies in times of stress… I think it is a defence mechanism. Like right now, I am very aware that this is the first time I have been in the arms of a half naked man. Man? Well, he is eighteen, that is considered an adult in most countries I think, and he is certainly more experienced than I am. I do not know where I am going with this train of thought but it seems somehow inappropriate so I force my mind back to the present.

Poor Wheeler, I am making him all wet but he does not seem to mind. Still, I am beginning to calm down, the vast reserves of tears have been exhausted… I wonder if you can get dehydrated from crying too much?

I am such a mess, I try to wipe away some of the tears with my hands but it is not helping. Wheeler passes me some tissue and I smile at him. It is only a small, and practical, gesture but it is a thoughtful one… it is nice to be taken care of.

I dispose of the tissue and then return to Wheelers embrace. We both need the closeness I think, we did not mean to hurt each other but we did, and now we both have the chance to make it better. I sigh and snuggle closer and he kisses my head like he does it all the time… it feels like the most natural thing in the world.

It is strange. There has always been a certain tension between us, a desire - though I will not admit that openly - for closeness, for something more than closeness. Yet here we are, holding each other as tightly as we dare, Wheeler promising to be at my side forever, kissing my hair over and over again as he speaks… and yet it is not passionate but simply loving. This is the love of friendship not romance… it has nothing to do with those other feelings… but somehow it is more than that too, there is a comfort and acceptance that I never expected to feel... least of all with someone like Wheeler.

I do not know when this happened. When during all the arguments and misunderstandings of the past year or so, did we become so close?

Maybe it is because of the Planeteers, because our job requires us to depend on each other for our lives, but something inside of me whispers that it was always there. That somehow - even when we are angry and yelling - we bring each other a strange kind of peace as if we are standing in the eye of the storm but are keeping each other from being swept away.

I look up into his eyes and see worry there... and tears! I feel guilty immediately and I cannot blame him for his trepidation either, how many times have I let him get close only to reject him again?

"I am sorry I pushed you away before." I say, trying to reassure him, whilst being unable to explain something that I do not understand myself. I stick to what I am sure of. "I realize now that I cannot do this by myself…I…I want you to help me through this."

I gently take his head in my hands to brush away the tears with my thumbs but he lowers his gaze, in shame? Nyet! I will not allow that, no one should be ashamed for caring. I duck my head down so that I can make him look at me. That worked, in fact our eyes seem to be locked together and he is staring so hard I wonder if he can see straight through into my soul. Oddly, I do not find that thought disturbing.

"Thank you," I tell him, still wanting him to be sure of how I feel. "Before, I thought I could do this alone...but now, I know I can do this, as long as you are with me."

His hands slip up to hold my face so that we mirror each other and the concern has cleared from his eyes.

"I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere." Wheeler says as he leans in to kiss my cheek and when he moves back he is still so close that our noses are almost touching.

I think we just crossed a line somewhere… I do not mean he did it on purpose, in fact I am not sure that it was him at all, perhaps it is just in my mind.

I know I need to feel attractive again, I need to know that he still wants me... is that wrong? I tell myself it is not as I raise my lips ever so slightly, to brush against his.

"LINKA?! ARE YOU OK?!" Kwame's voice interrupts and I scramble out of Wheeler's lap and back into the corner.

I glare at my Yankee as if it is his fault, but it is myself that I am mad at. I feel like a small child that nearly got caught doing something naughty... which is not far from the truth.

"Just stay here, I'll get rid of him," He says and closes the door just enough that Kwame cannot see in.

I am so ashamed! What was I thinking? How far would I have taken it in order to make myself feel good? I think I know the answer to that and I do not like it.

Is it not bad enough that I tried to use his feelings against him when I was under the influence of the Bliss, but what excuse can I possibly have now? Perhaps they are all right about me after all, I cannot be trusted!

Kwame's voice once again penetrates my awareness and I cannot help but cringe, trying to shrink in on myself… I am not hiding anything, how can he say that? Wheeler is defending me… when he makes a promise he keeps it!

But he should not have to, they are treating me like a criminal and I have not done anything! …Except try to blow one of my best friends off the roof of the Capital building…

Gi has been keeping her distance from me since we got back. I noticed, but I have not known what to say. At first I was angry, after all it was the drugs that made me do it, I had no control. If I apologized it would be like admitting that it was me, when I would never do something like that. It was not even my choice to take them in the first place. Surely it is who I am now that matters? But if they cannot forgive me… if they cannot trust me again…

My concentration on what the boys are saying comes and goes, I know Wheeler is standing up for me, that is enough.

"…So if I'm the only one that she's willing to talk to right now, let me be there for her." he says.

Kwame's voice when he answers is grave but obviously trying for understanding. "Wheeler, this is not the right time to try and get closer to Linka…you should not take advantage of the situation."

I do not have time to react to that before Wheeler responds… he is annoyed, and with good reason. The things that happen between us, the little moments… they are not planned, we cannot help them. The Yankee is not like that, he does not have a deceptive bone in his body, what you see is very much what you get. If I know that, why does Kwame not?

Perhaps he does, he sounds remorseful but I grimace anyway. I know Wheeler, he will beat himself up over this. If he did not respect Kwame's opinion it would be different… if Kwame only knew, it is my Yankee he should be worried for. I would never hurt him intentionally, but I just cannot seem to help myself!

I hear him tell Kwame to leave so I get up and sit on the edge of the bath, staring down at my hands as I try to put some of my chaotic thoughts in order before he returns to me.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that," He tells me.

"I am not," I reply, still in deep contemplation of my hands.

He sounds worried as he continues but I suddenly feel incredibly shy. "Kwame was out of line…nothing he said was true. Not about you, and not about me. I'm not…I'd NEVER take advantage of you."

"I know," I whisper, somewhere between shame and embarrassment.

"I'm here ONLY for you." He persists.

I know he needs reassurance and I want to run into his arms but now I am second guessing myself. "I know." I say weakly.

There is an awkward silence... I guess my behaviour before has made him feel uncomfortable after what Kwame said.

I will not try anything else dorogaya moy... please? I beg silently, then another part of my friends' conversation seeps into my brain. "You broke my door?"

"Uh, yeah," he admits non-commitally, as if waiting to find out if he is going to get in trouble for it.

He looks like a young boy when he is like this, it is quite sweet and it makes me chuckle. "How did I miss that?!" I say, referring to the door.

I do not feel so awkward anymore and I give him a smile as I take in his appearance for the first time. I experience a slight shock as I see his arm. "Bozhe moy Wheeler! You are bleeding! Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm fine. I guess with the adrenaline rush, I didn't even notice that I got all cut up when I broke through the door." He tells me and I look at him in horror, it is one thing for him to help me but he must not do it at his own expense! I cannot let him.

"I'm sorry!" He says and to my surprise, goes to the sink and tries to wash away the blood, using tissues to try to stem the flow.

What is he thinking? The wounds need to be treated properly! "Stop!" I exclaim, turning away to fetch the first aid kit.

"I'm sorry, I should go." He replies and practically runs from the room.

What on earth is the matter with him? Has he lost enough blood to be in shock? I do not think so, the cuts did not look that bad. The main thing is to make sure they do not get infected.

I get the first aid kit free of its holder and follow him.

I do not bother to knock as I enter the American's cabin and his bathroom door is open and I can hear the sound of running water so I continue in.

Wheeler jumps as he hears me behind him. "What was that about?" I ask as I open the med kit and take out the disinfectant. "I am not that obsessed with keeping my bathroom clean!" I add jokingly, trying to lighten the mood.

"You don't have to do this Babe." He says eyeing me warily.

"Do not be silly Wheeler, I am not going to hurt you." I tell him and then add. "Sit down."

He puts the lid down on the toilet seat and sits, allowing me to look at his arm but is still obviously reluctant. "Honestly Babe, you don't have to do this..."

I stop, looking down into his eyes. "You told Kwame that I can be trusted, if you did not mean it, say so now and I will go."

"Of course I trust you!" He says quickly. "You're great at this stuff! I'd trust you to do it in your sleep... I just thought you shouldn't have to right now."

I do not understand. "Why not now?"

He shrugs, obviously not wanting to answer.

"Wheeler, if you are serious about helping me you have to... It needs to work both ways! I cannot just sit by and let you hurt and then be okay with you looking after me... I am not like that!" My voice is rising, I do not know whether to plead or shout... What is wrong with him?

"Okay... If you're sure you are okay with it?" he says at last.

I start to work on his arm, lifting it gently and cleaning the scratches. "Why would I not be okay with it?" I ask.

He hesitates and my temper flares. "Wheeler!"

"Okay, okay." He sighs. "I didn't want to bring back bad memories that's all. Owww!"

I am trying to take splinters out of his arm. "I am sorry Wheeler, I am being as gentle as I can." I tell him.

"Yeah I know, but it still hurts!" he complains.

"Baby!" I tease and he grins up at me.

Wheeler has that look on his face, the one he always gets when he thinks he has caught me out. "Well if I'm a baby, how about you play mom and kiss it better?"

I roll my eyes and am about to say something sarcastic when I see his expression change. "I didn't mean to... that is, I was just joking you know?"

This is Kwame's fault! Why could he not mind his own business! "It is okay." I tell him quietly, concentrating my attention on cleaning his cuts.

"No it's not." he replies decidedly.

I do not know what to say, so instead, I go back to our previous conversation. "What bad memories?"

"Huh?" he looks confused.

I sigh. "Treating your wounds?"

"Oh! …because your cousin cut his arms up trying to get into the vice president's office." he says uncomfortably.

I pause in what I am doing and I can feel the blood drain from my face. My mouth has gone dry as I whisper, "I do not remember."

Wheeler grimaces and then puts his hands on my hips, pulling me down to sit on his leg. "Maybe that's not such a bad thing."

"Da, maybe," I say, but my heart aches. Not everything that happened is entirely clear in my memory but if there are actual gaps…

"Sorry Babe."

"Stop saying that! You are not responsible for any of this!" I rest my head on his shoulder as he holds me tight.

Only a few moments go by before I remember what I am supposed to be doing but Wheeler will not let me get up, so I finish by bandaging his arm from my current position. "There, all done."

"Thanks Babe... Sorr... Er... I didn't mean to make things awkward between us." he tells me.

I lean over to kiss his cheek. "You did not."

We look at each other for a moment and then start laughing. I think things will be okay now.

To Be Continued…

And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Wheeler's side of the story in Chapter 6 of Becks7's Co-Dependents!