Chapter Eight – Day Six Late Afternoon/Evening
It looks like he has combed the beach for debris and piled it up. There is a blanket spread out on the sand and a bag next to it. It is not like Wheeler to go in for modern art so I figure it must have some other significance.
Not wanting to offend him after he has obviously gone to so much effort, I smile and ask softly, "What is this?"
"Dinner…sort of." He tells me. "I figured you might be hungry, but not quite ready for a huge meal. I got stuff that would be light."
It is very sweet of him and I will try not to disappoint him, but I am still not sure I can keep food down.
"And that?" I ask pointing towards the mound of wood and leaves.
"That's to help keep you warm," he says and then points his ring at it. "Fire!"
He pulls me over to the blanket and then sits down, tugging gently on my hand to make me join him. I sit down, glad to be so close to the fire, and try to warm my numb hands
"Is the nausea gone?" He asks.
I shrug and feel my cheeks go red. If I had not promised to let him help me I would have lied, but as it is, "It comes and goes…I am hungry, but also afraid that if I eat…"
"It's ok. You don't have to be embarrassed if you get sick. It's just me." He makes it sound so reasonable but I hate appearing less than perfect in front of him...
"I also packed some Ginger Ale. It's supposed to ease nausea. Do you want a can of it?" He asks.
I have no idea what that is, but if there is a chance it will calm my stomach... "Sure."
He opens the can for me and I have to tell myself not to be irritated. He is not deliberately treating me like an invalid, he is trying to be helpful and at any other time I would probably enjoy the attention.
The can is cold, and it begins to suck all the life from my fingertips. I quickly pull down my sleeve so that I can hold the material through the thick fabric.
I am wearing another one of Wheeler's hoodies, one of the ones he gave me earlier. This one is bigger as well as thicker so I guess it is not as old, but it did seem to please him that I took it and he can always take them back if he needs them.
"Oh here, I almost forgot…" He rummages in his bag and produces something to wrap around the can, which again he does for me. "There ya go."
This time I am amused. "Thank you Yankee you have thought of everything! Do you have a hat stand in there too?"
He winks at me, and it makes me chuckle, then he asks. "Do you want some fruit? An apple maybe?"
"I will try a few pieces." He has gone to so much trouble...
He hands me the bowl of apples and I select one. "Want me to peel it for you Babe?"
I start to get annoyed and he sees it so he quickly adds. "My Mom used to do that for me when I was sick... it makes it easier to eat you know?"
I relax again and nod, then sip my drink… it is not bad. He peels the apple and slices it onto a plate, then adds some lumps of cheese and some of the crackers before handing it back to me.
"Spasiba... I do not mean to be ungrateful Wheeler." I say hesitantly, picking up a slice of apple and nibbling it.
"I know." he replies blithely and bumps my shoulder companionably.
We sit in a companionable silence as I pick at the meal he made for me. He is right, it is easier to eat like this, but I am still struggling and he notices.
"You don't need to force yourself on my account. If you're not hungry, you're not hungry." he tells me and snags a cheese cube off my plate.
He is doing a great job of keeping this casual but I still ask, only half jokingly, "You are not going to be the 'food police' tonight?"
"No. Not tonight…not ever again. I trust you to make the right decisions as far as your health goes. I know you wanted to do this alone…do it your way…and I'm gonna let you continue to do it your way…but not alone. You're not gonna do this alone. You don't have to."
He gets intense when he thinks about that and I know it is my fault for pushing him away so I try to reassure him... Who knew my Yankee was capable of being so insecure? "I know. I am glad you are here."
He puts his arm around me and hugs me close, he is just the right height to rest my head on his shoulder so I do.
"I'm glad I'm here too." He tells me.
It is so beautiful here. It has only been my home for just over a year but I already forget sometimes... but sitting here like this, it is as if I am seeing it all again for the first time... It is nice to have someone to share it with too.
This is a rare moment for Wheeler and I, we are never alone for so long and we both seem to feel the need to put on a show when the others are around, I do not know why.
"I think your friends want something." Wheeler says, inclining his head towards the seagulls that are circling closer.
I nod in agreement. "Food." I say, taking one of the uneaten crackers and breaking it in half before throwing the pieces towards the water, away from the fire.
A couple of the gulls immediately swoop down and take the offerings, barely brushing the ground as if they did not like to land.
"Cool!" Wheeler exclaims, obviously impressed, and repeats my trick with the same results. I laugh at him, but I am not being unkind, I find his reaction adorable.
We make a game of it, throwing the crackers so that they land just a little closer each time, trying to see how close to us the birds would come. Pretty close actually, in fact at Wheeler's urging, I even get one to take a cracker from my hand. Gulls are not particularly timid and they instinctively know they are safe on Hope Island, but I was still excited at my achievement, which gave my Yankee the chance to laugh back at me.
Once the crackers are gone, the gulls move on and Wheeler points out some other birds who are collecting fish in their large bills. "Pelicans." I tell him, and since he seems interested, I continue expounding on one of my favourite subjects.
I love the beauty and grace of our feathered neighbours and I cannot help but be enthusiastic when I talk about them, I hope he does not get too bored!
After a while Wheeler suddenly produces my keyboard, like a magician pulling a white rabbit out of a hat!
"Think they'd like this?" He enquires as he hands me the instrument.
"How did you…?" I ask in surprise.
He grins at me, he is being cheeky again. "When I was fixing your door, I snagged it to bring it along with us tonight."
Normally I would explode at him for taking something from my room or even going into my room when I am not there. I can be pretty obsessive about my things, as Mishka has found out on several occasions, and Gi too when we first came here... I do not know why it is suddenly different with Wheeler but it is.
"I haven't heard you play in a while." He is saying, surprising me again.
"You want me to play?" I ask shyly, a little worried about my ability to play with my cold fingers.
"Only if you feel like it. I just thought it'd be fun." He sounds a bit worried too.
"Fun to listen to me?" I ask, wanting to be sure.
He has another surprise up his sleeves. I watch as he lifts the other blanket and retrieves a guitar case. "Not just listen, but play along,"
"I did not know you played an instrument!" I exclaim, childishly excited by this new piece of information.
"I don't have much free time, and when I do, I'm doing other things so I don't get many opportunities…which is why I'm not as good as I used to be…so you gotta be patient with me."
"Ok. You start and I will join in." I say eagerly, my own fears forgotten.
The time passed so quickly, we learnt some of each others favourite songs, making up new ones when we got the notes wrong. Wheeler made up silly words to them sometimes too, he can be really funny when he wants to be, though I rarely let myself admit it when the others are around.
I do not remember the last time I had so much fun! It feels great to be able to laugh, I have missed it. He keeps gazing at me too, I pretend not to notice but secretly I am thrilled. It is selfish of me I know, and normally I do not value my attractiveness at all, but this feels good.
The others cannot get passed my 'condition'. I did not realise it before but the reason I resent their treatment of me is because they make me feel like a naughty child who has been told to sit and think about what that have done wrong! I do not want to think about it though, I need to forget it, and feel normal again.
I truly wish Wheeler was like this all the time, if he were we would be... what would we be? A couple? Nyet, there are too many reasons why that would be a bad idea... I am not even sure what he really wants! We would be closer, I decide. But in any case, I could not ask for a better friend.
The sun is setting and I am getting chilly again. I hug myself as Wheeler goes to freshen the fire. When he returns he picks up the second blanket and wraps me in it, then sits behind me with his legs either side and pulls me close. He takes my hands and rubs them, trying to bring some warmth into my numb fingers.
I cannot tell you how wonderful it is! He makes me feel comfortable and safe and... human. I did not know how important those simple things are until they were taken away.
There are other feelings too... I am nearly seventeen after all, very nearly in fact. I had forgotten until just now, I wonder if the others have remembered? I hope not, I do not feel like celebrating, especially with them... That is a terrible thing to think but I cannot help it. After the way they have been behaving, it would be forced and fake and considering how it used to be, I do not think I could stand that.
"Is this ok?" He asks after a moment.
Just okay? That is some understatement "Da." I reply wanting to laugh, but not wanting to, in case he misunderstands.
Then he explains. "Ok, just making sure cuz you seem a little tense."
"I am fine. Just…" That is an automatic response... A defensive one and it is not true. I sigh. I promised to let him in so... "I cannot seem to relax. My muscles are so tight."
"That's part of the withdrawal. It's because your body is missing something. It wants something it can't have." He tells me decisively, he really has been reading up on this stuff.
"But I do not want it." I tell him, still marvelling at the fact that he studied to help me. That may sound strange but considering the trouble we have getting him to take the slightest interest in research when it comes to saving the whole world...
He nods reassuringly. "I know you don't. But your body is feeling dependant on it…that's normal. You know better, but the feelings are still there."
I nearly choke but instead give a sarcastic, self mocking laugh. That explains everything then, it is not just the Bliss, I am addicted to Wheeler as well!
"What?" He asks curiously
Not going there! So I tell him, "Nothing."
He does not say anything else but begins massaging my shoulders. For a moment I think he has guessed, but then I realise he is just trying to soothe my muscles... I think.
We watch the sunset together but my mind is on the wonderful things his hands are doing and I try not to think about where he learnt to do it… or who he was with.
"Better?" he asks, close to my ear, I am very aware of his proximity.
"Mmm hmm." I murmur, do not stop!
"Lay down on your stomach." he instructs and I look around at him wondering if he can really be so totally unaware of the effect he is having on me and the implications of his request. He is. In fact I think that it would offend him if I told him what I am thinking about. He promised to be good after all and I have never known him to break an actual promise.
I follow his instructions - resting my head on my arms and closing my eyes - and he moves to sit astride my hips and begins to knead my tense muscles again.
Bozhe Moy is this really having no effect on him? He is very good though and I can feel the tension finally beginning to ebb.
When he has finished he moves back to sit down on the blanket and I follow him, to sit as I was before, between his legs.
I have relaxed so much, that now his hands are no longer on me, the cold has seeped in again and I shiver, prompting Wheeler to put his arms around me and pull me back against him. I consider turning around so that I can cuddle him back but it is warmer this way so I just lean into him and hold his arms in place with mine.
"That was nice." I tell him shyly, not sure of what else to say. I have never had a massage before, let alone allowed a cute guy to run his hands so freely over my body... da I know that was not on his mind, I am just another girl to him in this respect. But I cannot help thinking about it.
He sounds pleased. "Glad I could help. Are you tired? Maybe we should head back to our rooms."
"Nyet! I…I am not tired." I say quickly.
"Ok. Just let me know when you're ready," He props his head on my shoulder, obviously not in a rush to end our evening.
I am tired though... There is something I need to tell him, it is not easy for me to be so open and I keep having to remind myself. "I do not think I will ever be ready. I…I am afraid to sleep."
He leans his head against mine comfortingly. "Because of the nightmare?"
"Da." I whisper, my mouth feels dry.
"That's understandable," He whispers in return. His lips are so close to my ear they brush against me and it makes me shiver. He must think it was the cold that caused my reaction because he hugs me tighter and starts rubbing my arms.
"I'll stay out here with you as long as you'd like." He tells me and I thank him.
"Anything for you Babe." Is his response, and I am beginning to believe him.
He automatically nuzzles and kisses me, I know it is only for comfort and I wonder if that means he finds me cold in general... I mean I like this, but my responses to things are not normally so physical. I tend to hold myself back, only giving him a hug when he terrifies me by nearly getting himself killed. I promise myself I will try to be less withdrawn in future.
To Be Continued…
And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Wheeler's side of the story in Chapter 8 of Becks7's Co-Dependents