Chapter Eleven – Day Eight Evening

I have told Wheeler that during the Trisagion, the vigil, we pray to Christ to take the soul of the deceased... He said okay but I am not sure what his beliefs actually are... he does celebrate Christmas, whereas Gi and Ma-Ti do not... I should have asked, I should know! But Religion is not important to our lives as planeteers and I guess the subject has never come up.

I suppose it does not matter, he is not really here to participate in the services but to support me through them... I do not want him to feel uncomfortable or out of place though.

The coffin is set up at the end of the room and our friends and family are taking their places in front of it, each lighting a candle from the one my Uncle is holding.

Wheeler and I follow suit, waiting patiently for our turn. I am afraid of what my Uncle will say, or that he will turn away from me entirely. Poor Yankee, I am gripping his hand so tightly that it will probably leave a mark, but he does not complain.

My Uncle murmurs his thanks to us for attending as he has done with all the other guests, but he refuses to meet my eyes. Am I being selfish? He has just lost his only son... We have always been close though and his rejection of me is tearing me apart... We should be helping each other through this. Will he ever forgive me?

Wheeler is watching me intently as we take our places and I offer him a slight smile. I am okay... just. I am drawing my strength from him, the one solid, stable object in the swirling maelstrom of my emotions that I walked into when I entered this house.

Everyone is in place and the Orthodox Priest, in his stately robes, moves to stand by the coffin. Father Koslov has been the priest here since before I was born. How terrible this must be for him, to bury those he has seen enter the world. Boris was so young...

He cleanses the coffin and the body it contains, by wafting the smoke of incense over it as he begins reciting the Trisagion opening prayer, which he repeats three times.

We bow our heads, joining with him and then chant four hymns asking for Boris' soul to be joined with our loved ones already in heaven.

I glance at Wheeler, he has his head bowed respectfully but I know he does not understand the words we are saying and cannot join in. I wonder what he is thinking.

Father Koslov then tells us that Death is something we must all one day face, but that it is only the transition into eternal life. I have grown up believing that, but as I see more and more of the world, the ideals I accepted so blindly as a child are becoming harder to believe in.

I want to believe. I want to be sure that Boris' spirit will be healed and re-united with the family that has gone on before us... my parents, his mother, our grandfather... But the words of faith that kept me strong when I lost Papa, no longer bring comfort. I wonder if it is the effect of the Bliss or something deeper... Wheeler was right, I am not ready for this.

The ceremony ends with a prayer to our Lord to grant peace to our loved one and absolve his sins.

Feelings of resentment bubble up inside of me and I try to push them away. I conjure up a picture in my mind of a younger Boris, as I last saw him before I left to join the planeteers, of the kind, sweet, young gentleman that I grew up with.

It is not easy, recent memories continue to intrude painfully on my awareness and I know that I am communicating that pain through the hand I am still clutching. I am sorry Wheeler, I think silently, I hope that my weakened condition will serve at least one purpose and that I am not hurting you!

When the service is finally over, I feel completely drained and a little faint. Wheeler is looking at me intently and without saying a word, leads me to the kitchen and after a short search, makes me some bread and jam.

For once I am not complaining, even if it makes me sick later I know I need the energy the sugary food will give me. "Spasiba." I say quietly, sitting on one of the kitchen chairs to eat my snack and regain my strength. Wheeler stands behind me and starts to rub my neck, it feels good and I definitely need that too.

"Is she alright?" Our neighbour asks as she comes in to clean up.

I am right here! I am not deaf and I am not an invalid, why does she not ask me? Not that I really want to talk to her, but that is not the point!

"I am fine." I say coldly before Wheeler gets a chance to answer. I know it is not polite and that it will get me in trouble with Grandmuska later but I cannot help it.

Actually it has an even worse effect. My grandmother's neighbour is a strong, opinionated woman of late middle age and there is no way she is going to be spoken to by a 'child' like that. As she starts ringing a peal over my head the room begins to spin. I know Wheeler is saying something too but I cannot take it in.

I finish the last bite of my bread in the hope that it will help clear my head, but it does not and she seems to get even shriller.

I stand up and make my way a little unsteadily towards the door, hoping to find some peace and quiet in my room, only to be confronted with our ever helpful priest.

He seems oblivious to the cacophony behind me as he blocks my path. He is trying to console me, offering to help me in my grief... He can help, he can let me go... But he will not stop, and she will not stop... I am so dizzy, I just need for them to shut up, please just, "SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU, JUST SHUT UP!"

My head is throbbing, do they not understand? But it just seems to make them all worse… and now Grandmuska has joined them... Yankee?

That is my last thought before everything goes black.

To Be Continued…

And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Wheeler's side of the story in Chapter 11 of Becks7's Co-Dependents