An Unlikely Mating
Chapter 4: Nightmares
"I'm up!" I said as I shot up in my sleeping bag. The little body next to mine let out a pained sob, and I knew Shippou's restless rolling and crying woke me. It seemed he was having another nightmare. His last nightmare took place over a month ago, so this one caught me a little off guard. I didn't want to look over and witness the pain on his face, but I knew I had to.
I looked over at Shippou; sweat and tears mixed on his face, causing it to shine in the faint light of the dying fire. He must have been rolling around for quite a while, because his hair stuck to his head in matted clumps. As I watched, he rolled over restlessly and cried out once more. I could tell he remained ensnared in his nightmare. My maternal instincts kicked in and I pulled him to my lap, hugging him and trying to soothe his fears.
"Shhhh, it's okay Shippou, wake up. You just had a nightmare. It's all okay; everything is going to be fine," I whispered sweet nothings into his ear as I tucked him under my chin and rocked him back and forth. Eventually he stopped sobbing, and I deemed it safe to start asking questions. "Do you want to talk about it? It might make you feel better, but you don't have to," I whispered into his ear.
"Kagome, I was so scared! I thought that you were going to leave me!" he cried, bringing on another round of violent sobbing. A pang went through my heart; it always hurt when he dreamed of me leaving.
"It was just a bad dream honey, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." I ran my fingers through his sweat-slicked hair, hoping that my touch would calm him. His shaking wouldn't subside, so I continued rocking him and muttering reassurances in his ear. "I am not going to leave you Shippou; I will always be nearby when you need me. Nothing in this universe could keep me away from you. Even if time itself decided to close me off, I would find a way to come back to you," I promised. Eventually he calmed down enough to stop shaking, but I still rocked him until he was half-asleep.
I tucked him into my sleeping bag and looked around for InuYasha. I knew all the noise probably woke him, and the fact he wasn't throwing a fit yet stupefied me. Even as I scanned the trees, I knew in my heart that I wouldn't find his form in any of the nearby trees.
"I'll be right back Shippou. I have to look for InuYasha. I need to make sure that he is okay," I whispered in his ear, so that he knew I wasn't leaving him.
"Okay Mama, come back soon," he mumbled, already halfway gone. How quickly children fell asleep never ceased to amaze me. If he could face his fears and return to dreamland, I could walk into the woods and make sure my friend was okay. I gathered my courage and left the warm glow of the campfire.
Following where my soul pulled me the strongest, I walked into the woods using my hands as a guide; I already knew what I was going to see, and the dread weighed down on my heart and spirit. The glowing light of the soul stealers just confirmed my fears. When I saw that InuYasha was safe, as in not going to hell, I turned right back around and returned in the direction I came.
Stumbling back to camp, I tried convincing myself that I didn't care—knowing this was just another lie I told myself. I knew that InuYasha made his choice long ago, and telling myself any different would be denying the inevitable truth. InuYasha chose Kikyo, and I accepted this fact. I wanted his happiness even if that happiness didn't involve me in the way I wanted it to.
I told myself this as I walked back to camp, but I still couldn't staunch the flow of tears trickling down my face. Even though I knew InuYasha made his choice still didn't stop his decision from hurting. I knew that when it came down to it, he would always choose. I slipped back into my sleeping bag, and pulled Shippou close to me, trying to make myself feel better. All I could think about was Kikyo and InuYasha doing God knows what. Drifting back to sleep, I tried to nurse the pieces of my broken heart back together.
I ran through the trees towards the magnificent white light highlighting the edges of the forest. The dazzling white light beckoned me from my spot within the trees, and I ran faster to get to grasp the playful entity. With each stride, I got closer to my destination, and my excitement grew; I felt like dancing and cheering. So many emotions passed through me but the overwhelming feeling was of magic. I felt magical and powerful. I flew over the ground, feeling fast and free, just as a goddess would. My feet barely skimmed the ground, and I felt good for the first time in a long time.
Finally, I broke free of the trees and I stepped out into a picturesque clearing dropping off in the form of a cliff. The wind blew the smell of salt and brine to me, and the sun danced bright and cheerful on my skin. It felt perfect, just as I knew it would. I closed my eyes fleetingly and then admired the beauty of my feelings, still feeling every bit like a goddess. I allowed the magic of the moment to wash over me, and I let out a girly laugh.
I stood there for a while until a nagging thought came into my mind. What dwelled at the bottom of the cliff? Unable to tame my curiosity, I went over to the edge and peered over the side; the wall of rock dropped off into the ocean below where sharp rocks broke the surface of the churning water. I watched with mild fascination as the surf crashed violently into the side of the cliff with a ferocious type of beauty. The drop itself was about 200 feet down. Like everything around me, this too was beautiful, and I couldn't contain the mirthful laugh that escaped me for a second time that day.
I heard a twig snap behind me and looked up. As Kikyo emerged from the woods, I saw she had her bow drawn, pointing an arrow straight at my heart. She studied me with a grim determination as her unbound hair flickered all around her in the breeze. There a fiery look occupied her eyes and I knew I wouldn't leave unscathed. Suddenly, all the joy drained out of me and I no longer felt the power of a goddess.
"Kikyo, you don't have to do this!" I shouted to her, frantically trying to make her change her mind. I didn't want to die, especially by Kikyo's hands.
"Yes I do! You get in the way of everything! You are nothing but a stupid copy of myself. You will never do anything as good as I will! You will never be as powerful, and you will never hold InuYasha's heart!" she shouted back to me. Her words cut me deep, and I knew I couldn't persuade her. Besides, what could I say when she only spoke the truth? I was only a little girl with a borrowed life attempting to emulate the goddess standing before me.
I braced myself for the impact of the arrow, and the all-consuming pain I knew it would bring. Before she could release her arrow though, a figure clad in red with silver hair emerged from the trees. I made eye contact with the figure, and he gave me a cold look. Slowly, I realized the red figure belonged to InuYasha. He came to save me!
"InuYasha!" Kikyo and I screamed together. My scream sounded desperate, but Kikyo's was a scream of elation. My heart sank further in my chest as each second ticked past, and dread pooled in my stomach. I knew whom InuYasha was going to choose; I had always known.
"InuYasha, please help me!" I begged him, even though I knew my actions were pointless. Much to my displeasure, he stepped forward, shaking his head as he wrapped his arms around Kikyo. He gave her a small kiss before looking back at me. His cold eyes filled with revulsion as he turned to me. On the inside I fell into a million, tiny pieces, but on the outside I felt nothing—just blank and numb.
"Kikyo's right, how could I love the copy when I have the original right here next to me? I only used you as a 'shard detector'. You never meant anything to me. How could you? You are weak, ugly, and so easy to manipulate. It was effortless getting you to fall in love with me, and it was even simpler crushing your spirit. I will enjoy watching you die."
Each word cut me as no knife ever could. So much pain coursed through my being that I would welcome death with open arms at this point. I wanted to forget the hateful look InuYasha gave me. I wanted to forget that I even loved him in the first place.
"You are nothing to me," he said, taking Kikyo's hand.
Any strength left in my body disappeared, and I collapsed onto the ground. I ignored the tears streaming freely down my face as the bitter thoughts poisoned my mind. I looked down at my hands and realized I agreed with the duo. Compared to Kikyo, I amounted to nothing. She was stronger, prettier, and better at the tasks I set out to accomplish. Why should I even seek to compare myself to her?
Kikyo placed her bow on the ground and walked towards me. A look of determination rooted itself on her face. She stood in front of me and put her hands on my shoulders; I already knew what she would do next.
"Why?" I asked, looking up at her. Any hope that I might have possessed evaporated as soon as she laid her hands on my shoulders.
"Because you are nothing but the copy," she stated as she pushed me over the edge and down to a certain death. I looked up to see both of their laughing faces, and the joy they received from watching me fall; my heart shattered into a billion more pieces, too broken to ever hope for repair. Closing my eyes, I turned to face my demise, letting the wind rush past me; I refused to watch them laugh at me anymore.
Just as I felt the impact from the rocks, I shot straight up in my sleeping bag. My heart pounded in my chest, and my labored breathing sounded like I just ran a marathon. Tears streamed down my face, and I couldn't place how I came to be in a sleeping bag. What happened to the cliff? As I looked around, I realized it had only been a nightmare. I hadn't really been there on the cliff, Kikyo wasn't here; I was fine.
You are nothing but the copy. Kikyo's words from the dream drifted through my mind, and I sagged back down to my sleeping bag. Just because the words came from a dream didn't mean they didn't ring true. They expressed my worst fears. For all I knew, InuYasha probably felt that way too.
I looked over to InuYasha, the man in question. He peacefully slept propped against the tree as at thick branch supported him from underneath. Images from my dream flickered through my mind- specifically of his laughing face as I fell to my death. Leaving salty trails, tears started streaming down my face. As much as I wanted to scream, cry, or make a scene, I wouldn't. Nobody needed a reminder of my weakness.
I laid in the confines of my sleeping bag think trying to push the sadness away, yet failing at the deceivingly simple task. I tried to forget about the dream, but I couldn't. It kept creeping up on me and bringing back the wretched feelings I felt desperate to avoid. It's hard to forget the very thing that tears you to pieces—the one thing I was most scared of in the world.
After a while tears turned into short gasps of air that I knew would eventually turn into sobs. I lurched out of my sleeping bag, and quickly grabbed my backpack, not wanting to wake anyone, and not wanting to stay. All I knew is that I felt the animal need to flee before InuYasha woke up and demanded an explanation that I wouldn't be able to give him. I just had to get away.
I ran to the edge of the woods and looked back at InuYasha's face. Surprisingly, the hanyou remained sleeping. With the amount of noise I made, I knew he should probably be awake and screaming at me. His face looked peaceful in slumber and reminded me of my nightmare—the part when he had been with Kikyo. Not wanting InuYasha or anyone else to follow me, I put a sound barrier in place, sending a silent nod of thanks to Kaede.
I ran through the woods trying to dodge trees since I couldn't see through the tears still streaming down my face. I was thankful that I put up the barrier, because now I could barely contain the animal sounding sobs emanating from my body. My world seemed to spin around me and I felt that I didn't have any control. I had no idea where I was heading; all I knew was that I needed time to work through this is private. Having InuYasha scream at me more wouldn't help—besides, I'd be back as soon as I could calm down.
A few times, I almost dropped my pack, but I always managed to keep it on my back. In the dark branches and thorns tore at my skin and clothes, causing small cuts and scrapes to form all over my body. Instead of stopping, I ignored them; I wanted to be far away from InuYasha and the horrors of my nightmare, and fast. The physical pain seemed like nothing compared to what I felt on the inside.
Whenever I felt like stopping, the vision of InuYasha laughing fueled my legs to keep going. Eventually, I stopped to gasp for air in fear of dying from the lack of oxygen. I leaned against a tree and once I could breathe again, I looked up. In the distance I saw steam rising from a nearby hot spring. Perfect. I loved that no matter where you were in feudal Japan, you could always find a hot spring nearby.
The pink and orange dawn filtered through the thinning leaves as I walked to the steaming pool of water. When I left darkness followed me, and I gave thanks that the sun finally decided to rise. Watching the reflection of the sunrise bounce off the calm water of the spring, I decided to get down to business.
I pulled out my shampoo, conditioner, body wash, razor, and my towel. Quickly I changed out of my sweaty, bloodstained clothes and slipped into the steamy waters of the spring. I sighed in relief as the hot water soothed my aching muscles. The long run exhausted me, and I was grateful the Gods allowed me to happen across this spring. I really needed this chance to relax in peace.
Not allowing myself time to think, I turned around and grabbed my body wash and razor. Making quick work of the task, I lathered up and shaved. All too soon, I finished and started shampooing my hair. My long tresses had tangled and matted from a combination of the nightmare and the running.
After I allowed the hot water to wash away the shampoo from my hair, I grabbed my conditioner and got to work. I delicately worked the substance through the length of my hair, allowing it to soak in as my hair turned to silk beneath my fingers. Once again, I finished too soon.
I slipped down into the water and remembered the reason I ended up here. I looked up at the sky and tried to hold back the tears forcing their way to the surface. I knew they came from a dream, but I couldn't shake Kikyo's words and how deep they cut me. I knew that there was never any competition between the two of us; she would always be InuYasha's choice. How was I supposed to compare? After all, I was just the copy. I would never amount to anything in his eyes.
Quickly, my sadness turned into anger. I stood up and shook my head. Why did I have to be so sad all the time? Why did I even have to compete with Kikyo? We were NOT the same person. Besides, she died a long time ago. You would think InuYasha's choice would be obvious. Why would he choose some stupid clay pot over a living and breathing woman? I was real, and I was right there waiting for him to notice me.
Abruptly my anger turned into guilt. I shouldn't think of Kikyo in that way. She couldn't help that she died. Kikyo couldn't help the way she came back into this world. Anyway, InuYasha loved her first, it was only right he stayed by her side. She was his first love, and the love they shared had been quite real. Once again, my emotions bested me and I felt the prickle of tears behind my eyes; I was an emotional wreck.
"What's wrong with me?" I asked bitterly. I never expected an answer for my question, and when I received one, I nearly jumped out of my skin.
"It depends, Miko," Sesshomaru answered from somewhere behind me.
A/N: Dun Dun Dun! Cliffie! I hope you like it! Review! I'm sick and they help me feel better! This is edited and revised. A lot.