Chapter Fifteen – Day Nine, Day Time - Continued

We pick up more candles on the way out and light them as we stand around the graveside. I am grateful for even that little bit of heat, though of course the purpose of them is to symbolise our prayers rising to join our Lord in Heaven.

The ceremony is mostly a repetition of the Trisagion performed last night, but now a small group of the churches singers will join us as they escort Boris to the grave, in his now sealed coffin. They are singing Zemle rozstupysia, a funeral hymn.

Wheeler still has one arm tucked comfortingly around me and I notice that Grandmuska is leaning on the other.

I smile and wipe away some of my tears with the hanky he gave me, and then lean in to whisper. "They are singing 'Be open, o earth, and receive the body that has been created in the image of God.'"

He does not need to know but I tell him because I have a need to say the words, I could not explain why... perhaps just out of a need to speak... to prove that I am really here instead of having a surreal dream, which is what it is beginning to feel like.

Father Koslov says the final prayers for the resurrection of one who has 'fallen asleep' and then the coffin is lowered into the ground.

Everyone wants to give Grandmuska and I their sympathies but I wish they would not. I nod and try to smile but I cannot speak, my throat is tight and if I try I will just make a fool of myself.

When we finally get a moment to ourselves Grandmuska tells me that she is going to visit with my grandfather for a few moments, I suppose she finds it comforting. She says it in Russian though, she has forgotten that Wheeler does not understand and now he is looking at me with a question in his eyes.

"My grandfather's grave." I explain.

I do not think he knows what to say. "Oh."

"Is it ok if we stay here a little longer while she visits?" I ask. "She does not get to come here to visit as much as she would like to."

"Of course it's fine." He agrees at once but then hesitates, and I know he wants to ask something else. "Are…your parents here?"

Is that all? "Da, over here."

I lead him to the plot next to my Grandfather. The headstone gives my parents names and the dates they were born and died. So stark. I have often thought it should say something more, but it was too expensive.

"Mamma, Papa, this is Jason," I kneel down and clear away some leaves from the headstone… and Wheeler joins me in my labour, which is very typical of him.

"Nice to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Orlov." He says.

Is he making fun of me? If he is, I know he does not mean it unkindly but what does he think of me? "I know it is silly to talk to them. I know they are not here."

He puts his arm around me. "Nah, it's not silly at all. And they are here. They are always with you everywhere you go."

"I hope not," I say quickly and then feel compelled to explain. "…they would be so ashamed of me."

"No way," He surprises me by coming to my defence, placing his hand on the headstone as he continues his conversation with my departed parents. "Your little girl has grown into a beautiful, kind, compassionate, intelligent woman. You'd be proud of her and all her accomplishments. She's a hero."

His words make fresh tears spring into my eyes and my throat begins to close up again. After all I have done and said, how can he be so sweet and kind? I do not deserve his friendship.

He kisses my temple and I try to dry my face before standing, pulling him up with me, so that I can lean against him again.

"Thank you," I say, linking our arms and taking his hand.

He grins and makes a joke, also typical of Wheeler. "Did your parents speak English or should you translate?"

"I think they will get it," I can feel my face redden, I cannot repeat what he said, not even in the third person!

He moves behind me and wraps his arms around me protectively… he is protective but he need not be, the other mourners are keeping a respectful distance now, knowing that we are visiting with the rest of our family. He nuzzles me and I wonder what it looks like, if my neighbours think we are a couple it probably looks a little disrespectful… if my parents are watching, what do they think? Nyet, I do not care what anyone thinks and my parents must know how special my Yankee is.

I close my eyes and lean back against him, saying silently. 'He is looking after me, Papa. You would like him.'

I never speak just to my mother. I do not mean anything by it, I just do not know what to say, I did not know her.

When my grandmother comes to join us we walk back towards the church to the path that will take us back to her house. Unfortunately there are still a lot of people standing around talking and I think they are waiting for us.

I do not remember the journey home.

There were too many people, all wanting to offer their condolences and say how lovely the service was, and all I wanted was to get away from them.

I clung to Wheelers hand with frozen fingers and walked in a daze as he directed me back to my childhood home.

Now, sitting on the bed in my old room with blankets wrapped around me, I am shivering, both from the cold and the grief... and perhaps the withdrawal, I do not know anymore. I just want to go home!

Wheeler enters without knocking, carrying a steaming mug. I like how comfortable we have become with each other, I hope it does not end when I am fully myself again.

"Tea, just how you like it." he says, sitting close beside me as he hands me the hot drink, and then hugging me to him, adding extra warmth.

"Spasiba." I reply, wrapping my hands around the mug and breathing a sigh of relief.

"No problem. And I told Grandma we aren't staying for the dinner." The way he says it is almost a challenge, daring me to change my mind, but I will not, I know I cannot handle the dinner.

Even the cooking smells which I have loved since I was a small child, are turning my stomach. Besides, there are more than enough people to watch me eat at home, I do not need to be on display here too. "Is she annoyed?"

"No Babe. Of course not, she understands." He says quickly and kisses my temple. "She did say something about Father Koslov giving us black bread before we leave though, it seemed pretty important to her so I figure I'll take our stuff out to the 'cruiser and then we won't have to walk through with it when the priest is here?"

I nod in silent agreement as I sip my tea, and snuggle into my Yankee to let him know that I do not want him to go yet.

Wheeler shifts himself slightly, getting comfortable and then starts rubbing my arm absent-mindedly. "So what is this about the black bread?" he asks.

"Kolliva." I tell him. "The bread is blessed and then my uncle will offer it to everyone. The ingredients symbolise death and resurrection as, in the making of the bread, they end one life and become something new and greater."

"Cool." He says in response, making me smile.

Though I am reluctant to leave the protective warmth of my friend's arms, I am feeling better, so when I finish my tea I tell him to get his things together while I pack mine. "Then I can help Grandmuska until Father Koslov comes to bless the bread."

He does as I ask without complaint... at least something good has come of all this, I normally have to nag him for days to get him to do anything domestic.

Is that ungrateful? I do not mean it to be. He is not really lazy, he just will not do something he does not see as important... which I suppose shows how important he thinks taking care of me is.

It feels good to be going home. The sea is beneath us now and I can feel my eyes starting to close. I am glad Wheeler is here to fly the plane, I am in no condition to do so, and would have been stuck with my family otherwise.

My uncle led us through a small ceremony, handing out the Kolliva, but it was painfully obvious that he did not want us there. He would not even look at me. Grandmuska was getting annoyed with him, it is best that we did not stay.

Wheeler breaks the silence that has arisen by asking. "What did Grandma mean about coming for the dinner 'next time' Babe? Is she expecting someone else to... I mean it's a bit of a funny thing to say given the circumstances, you know?"

I chuckle and shift around in my seat so that I can regard his profile. "She did not mean another funeral Yankee. We usually have three memorial dinners."

Sighing, I continue sadly. "Boris should have been buried on the third day after he died, but with the police enquiry and everything it was not possible, that is why it had to be today."

"Why?" He looks confused, I guess I am not explaining very well.

I lick my dry lips as I collect my thoughts. "We believe the soul leaves the body on the ninth day, we would normally have had the second memorial today so we combined them." My mind travels back to the service and my poor cousin. "It had to be today." I repeat quietly, sighing again.

This morning I was glad that everyone had forgotten that today is my birthday, knowing it would just give Wheeler another reason to be annoyed with my uncle. Now though... I do not know, celebrating would not really be appropriate I guess... but after Uncle Dimitri's complete dismissal of me, it would just be nice to be acknowledged in some way.

Wheelers warm fingers find my numb ones and link with them, drawing me back to the present. "You okay Babe?" he asks. "You were staring off into space."

"Sorry, I am just tired." I cannot tell him so I continue quickly. Fortunately his attention is on piloting the geo-cruiser. "The next dinner is on the fortieth day, when the soul moves on to the next world."

"You wanna go?" He asks, casting a sideways glance in my direction.

I shrug. "I am not sure that it is a good idea, I will see how things go."

He nods... I think with approval, and then gives my hand a squeeze before realising it to begin our descent.

Home. I should feel relieved but I do not, I suddenly feel trapped.

Always before I knew I could go back to my family, but I do not think that is an option anymore... It is as if I was only working away until today, but now I have moved out for good.

Hope Island is all I have.

To Be Continued…

And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Wheeler's side of the story in Chapter 15 of Becks7's Co-Dependents