Chapter Seventeen – Day Nine, Early Evening - Continued

Wheelers back is to me and he does not turn around when I reach him, so I run my hand down his arm, intending to take his hand. My poor Yankee nearly jumps out of his skin, but tries to make a joke of it.

"Damn, we need to put a bell around your neck!" He holds his heart as if he is having a heart attack.

"Sorry," I reply, half amused, half guilty.

"It's cool. I was just lost in thought and didn't think you'd be ready so soon." He looks at me closely as he speaks and I am suddenly very self conscious. I know how I look, I did not need to see it reflected in his eyes. I do my best to cover myself with my towel but it seems very inadequate. Why did I agree to this? I do not want him to see me this way!

"Maybe this is not a good idea… I am not feeling like being out. It has been a long day." I begin but he seems determined.

"I know… which is why you need to relax, wind down, and take your mind off things… let me do this for you."

"Ok." I agree quietly. He takes my hand and tugs on it, and when I comply, leads me through the jungle.

He is in a good mood. "I was thinking later, we can watch a movie… if you're not too tired. I'll even let you pick!"

"Really?" I am surprised, normally it is an all out battle for the remote control.

"Yep." He nods.

"You are only saying that because you think I will fall asleep and then you will switch it to something you like!" I say teasingly.

He pretends to be shocked in return. "I would never!"

"Riiiiiight." How I have missed our banter!

He gives my hand a squeeze. "Seriously though…ladies choice…if you're feeling up to it."

"Da…but I hope you will not hold it against me if I fall asleep during." I warn him.

"Nah, I won't hold it against you…however, I will hold you against me…" he starts being cheeky, only to remember himself again. "Uhhh, to keep you warm, I mean."

I want to keep things light. "Of course…but if I do fall asleep, you cannot change the movie. You have to keep watching it…and if I wake up to find that you switched movies, I get to pick the movie for the next ten movie nights!"

"TEN? How about five?" He says.

So he wants to negotiate? "Seven."

"Fine. Just remember, I'd never pick anything that I didn't think you wouldn't also enjoy." Wheeler sounds worried, I guess he does not fancy watching what he calls a 'soppy chick flick'.

But then again, "You think I enjoy watching scary movies?"

"Well don't you? Isn't it the perfect opportunity for you to hold onto my arm and pretend you're scared, but really, you just wanted an excuse to feel my muscles!" He is joking… I think.

He is also not entirely wrong, I have used those films to be close to him. The others laugh at me for being scared of those silly films, but then they do not tease me for cuddling up to Wheeler, and since I am not really scared, it does not bother me.

That does not mean I am not going to tease him while I have the chance though. "Wheeler, you are the one that always ends up being scared! You go back to your cabin and sleep with the light on! Which, by the way, is very un-Planeteer-ish,"

"No, no, no." he replies quickly. "That's not what happens…it's just…I'm so tired, I just collapse on the bed and FORGET to turn off the light."

I do not believe that but as I look up at him I see a slight blush to his cheeks. I did not mean to embarrass him, I find it rather sweet, but then he does like to play the big, strong, protector… maybe I will pick something spooky tonight and give him the chance.

Wheeler suddenly comes to a halt. I had not been paying attention to the direction we were travelling in so our destination comes as something of a surprise to me, we have arrived at a place I had completely forgotten about until now.

"The hot springs?" I ask, marvelling at my own stupidity.

He gives me that smug grin again. "Sound nice?"

I nod. "I cannot believe I did not think of this sooner. It sounds wonderful."

Wheeler goes ahead and gets in but I hesitate. The hot spring would feel so good, but my suit is going to cling when I am wet which means it won't leave much to the imagination. Normally I like the way Wheeler looks at me and I do things to encourage him, just a little, but now… do I really want to do this?

"You comin' in or what?" He calls out, and I make up my mind. I let my towel fall to the ground and get into the spring with him as quickly as I can, hoping the water will cover my wraith-like appearance.

Oh that feels good! I can feel the heat slowly seeping into my muscles and bones, and easing away some of the aches. I may just stay here permanently! It is not doing much for my head though.

"How is it? Feel better?" He asks.

My head is beginning to throb, I do not know if it is something to do with my body relaxing, or the steam or maybe even the heat. Overall, it is still an improvement though. "Da. A little."

"Just a little?" He looks disappointed.

"Well, it is warm, but I still have a headache…" I say honestly, and then trying to make a point, "and I am not allowed to have any medicine."

He swims to the edge of the pool and sits on one of the smooth rocks there, indicating that I should join him. "C'mere."

I move to sit between his legs with my back to him, and he lays his hands on my shoulders, adding warmth and the slight tingly feeling I always get when he touches my skin. He is rubbing the base of my neck and shoulder blades, slowly easing out the knots.

I need to hold on to something, I need something to do with my hands, so I rest them on Wheelers legs. This feels good. Really good. I cannot stop the quiet moan that escapes my lips, if I were a cat I would be purring!

My neck is beginning to feel much freer and I bow my head to give him better access. He can do this all day if he wants to, after a while though, he moves his fingers to massage my temples and I lean back, resting my head against his shoulder so that he does not have to reach for me.

Our faces are so close together I can feel his breath on my cheek. What would he do if I turned my head and raised my lips to his? Would he respond, or would he remember Kwame's words again and pull away? I cannot risk the latter, it would spoil this.

Why does he not do something about this? We are alone, and half naked and I am not about to push him away, he feels too good for that… but then perhaps he does not want to do anything with me now… I must feel bony and I know I do not look great. Maybe he is repulsed by me now and only his sense of friendship is keeping him by my side. If that is true he is a better friend than even I knew but… I do not want it to be true.

He sighs and nuzzles my cheek, letting his hands fall back to his side. He is done but I am not in a hurry to move. That is until he gently pushes me away and continues manipulating my muscles, this time in my lower back. It could be what he intended all along of course, just trying to help me, but I do not think so. He is putting distance between us in more ways than one, the massages and everything else are just his way of being a good friend. Just good friends.

He rubs my temples again, still keeping some distance between us. "Better?"

"Da… that was… nice." I tell him, but I have a new pain in my chest, one that he cannot massage away.

"Good. And it worked?" He persists. "You're not just saying that?"

"Nyet, I am not just saying that. It definitely worked. My headache is gone and I do not feel as tense." It is true, physically I am much better.

I let him explain why the massages help but my mind cannot focus on his words. I am not angry, just sad. "Anytime you get a headache, just let me know. We'll take care of it before it gets too bad, ok?"

"Ok." I do not want to talk.

"I mean it. As soon as you start to feel one coming on, come find me if I'm not already with you. The sooner we can get a hold of it, the better."

I guess he has it all worked out. "Da, ok."

I stand up intending to move away from him, but I need to know if his loss of interest is because of my illness, or if he never really wanted me to respond… after all he has never really done more than flirt, and not just with me.

"Wheeler… why…" I do not seem to be able to say the words.

"'Why' what Babe?"

I turn back and step forward - so that I am between his legs as he sits with them dangling over the rock - and then lean down, resting my hands on the rock either side of his hips, as I bring our faces close together again.

"Why won't you…?" I do not need to say it, instead I halve the distance again, an offer and a challenge.

"Why won't I what?" He asks, but he moves closer too. He did not misunderstand, he just wants me to do it. My heart beats rapidly and my breathing quickens. So it was just Kwame's interference after all, he wants to be sure I want this because then he is not taking advantage of me.

A second later though, he jerks away and I gasp in shock. Was he just playing with me? Why would he do that?

Oh, Ma-Ti must have spoken to him, he is holding his hand up to his head as we did when we first got our rings. It does not make me feel any better though, we are always interrupted, maybe I should take that as a sign?

"Yeah Ma-Ti. Yeah I've seen her. She's with me."

They are keeping tabs on me again. I feel the anger surge through me. Wheeler has not let me out of his sight, is that not enough for them! Why can they not just leave me alone? Leave us alone!

"We're at one of the hot springs, just relaxing and unwinding after the funeral."

Do not tell them! I do not want them here!

"It was a lovely service."

They are making small talk? I guess Wheeler is in no hurry to get back to our conversation.

"Umm, I don't know. I guess we probably should be heading back."

And he does not want to be alone with me anymore either. This is one birthday I will never want to remember. I know it is not fair of me after all the trouble he went to, but I am rapidly losing things to be happy about. I move as far away from Wheeler as I can manage without getting out of the pool, I am feeling cold again, probably because my shoulders are exposed, so I bend my knees to take them below the surface. It also means that Wheeler can see less of me, which I am sure he would prefer.

"Umm, that was Ma-Ti." He says lamely

I can hear the sarcasm in my voice as I reply, I just hope none of the other things I am feeling are being betrayed so easily. "Da, I figured that out."

"Right. Sorry. Uh, dinner is ready if you…" He sounds uncomfortable and I am not about to try to make him feel better.

"I am not really hungry… but I suppose if I do not go, I will be force fed." Sulky and bitter, great! Just leave Wheeler, then we will both be happier.

"You can go back to your room if you want. I'll tell them you were tired from the trip, which is completely understandable, and I'll bring you dinner. You can eat what you want and you know I won't be scrutinizing it like they will."

Why does he have to be nice about it? I sigh. I do not have a right to be mad at him, he has done everything for me without asking for anything in return. I cannot demand that he has feelings for me too.

"We can stay here if you want…or if you want to be alone, I can leave…"

I cannot stand this anymore, the heat is not worth it. "Nyet, we can go. You are probably hungry."

"I'm fine. We can stay if you'd like."

Not only is he still being nice, I know he is lying. He is not good at lying, especially to me, but not only that, we have been together all day and he has not eaten anything. He usually gets snacks all day, in fact he really has no right to look that good. Stop it Linka. He is a friend, like Kwame and Ma-Ti and you have to get used to thinking of him as that.

"Or maybe we should go…it's been a long day and it's getting late."

"Fine." I agree, at least I can be alone in my cabin.

He climbs out and tries to help me, but touching him right now would be a mistake so I ignore him, I do not need the help anyway. I do not want to feel that connection between us ever again… I also do not want to not feel it, and I am afraid I will not, now that I know I was imagining it. I know I am not really making sense, but my thoughts are in as much turmoil as my feelings.

He has hold of my towel and is holding it up for me. I am not going to get that close, so I try to take it but somehow he manages to avoid my grasp and wraps it around me, pulling me into his embrace. The towel is between us but I can feel my body responding to him anyway.

"Don't do this," He says.

I am not going to give anything away. "What am I doing?"

"Pushing me away." He answers.

"I could not push you away if I wanted to. You have me tangled up in this towel." I know that is not what he meant.

And so does he. "You know what I mean."

Suddenly I feel very tired. "What do you want me to say Wheeler?"

"I don't know." Is his only response and it makes me sadder still.

"Neither do I." I pull away from him, knowing he will not restrain me, and walk away back towards our settlement.

He catches me up and stops me. "Ok then…what do you want me to say?"

"I… I do not want to tell you what to say. I did not think I had to… you always have an answer for everything." My misery is showing in my voice, I know he is not going to let this go.

He shakes his head. "Not this."

"What has changed? Am I not the same person? If I were not dealing with this withdrawal and we were just out here for a swim…" I want to know, if he is insisting that we discuss it I might as well know the whole truth.

"But you ARE dealing with the withdrawal… and be honest… do you think we would even be spending this much time alone together if you didn't need me?" He sounds so positive, so sure that I would not spend time with him if I were not so weak. "No. Things would be like they've always been… and I would give anything for things to be like that again."

Oh. "You would?" My heart sinks into my stomach, he regrets his offer of help then, he is doing all of this under sufferance.

"Yeah, cuz it would mean that this whole thing never happened to you." He explains.

I smile at his effort to make me feel better, and do my best to hide how I am feeling. I do not want things to go back the way they were, but I know now that they must if we are to remain friends. I have taken so much from him and given back only misery.

"We should go so we don't keep the others waiting to eat dinner." Wheeler says, I guess he thinks everything is okay now.

"You will still tell them that I went to my room and then bring it to me?" I ask. Just tonight, I promise silently, I cannot give him up tonight.

"If that's what you wanna do." He assures me.

"Da." Tomorrow I will make a point of including the others, show them that I am getting back to normal. I pull the towel tighter around me, it feels even colder now after the hot springs.

"Ok. Let's go." He puts his hand in the small of my back as we walk back to my cabin, one little patch of heat in a sea of numbness.

To Be Continued…

And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Wheeler's side of the story in Chapter 17 of Becks7's Co-Dependents