Chapter Eighteen – Day Ten, Early Morning
I lie on my bed, staring into the darkness as I wait for dawn.
Dinner seemed to take forever. Wheeler kept up a flow of chatter, like he was trying to distract me from what I was doing, namely eating. I ate more than usual to please him, I just wanted everything to be okay, though inside I was hurting so badly I am amazed I could swallow. At least I managed not to throw it up until after he left.
I asked for a rain check on our video night, pleading fatigue, though of course that was just an excuse. I am sure he was relieved too, he cannot be unaware that the easy atmosphere we had enjoyed on the way to the springs had been destroyed by the time we returned.
I think that the one thing that did help to lighten the mood, was the look he gave me when he realised I had put my charm bracelet back on. Why would I not? It was a token of friendship and his friendship is as important to me as ever… perhaps more so, now that I know it will never be anything more.
He wanted to stay with me until I fell asleep but he needs to be in his own bed and have a good nights sleep, he certainly has not been getting any rest lately. I cannot sleep though, I keep wishing he were here.
He tucked me in and kissed my forehead goodnight, and I made no effort to detain him. What was he thinking I wonder?
Would it really have been so bad if I had let him stay? He still wants, or maybe needs, to help me... Would it really be wrong to let him, if that is as far as it goes? As friends? I would do the same for him after all.
I can feel the darkness closing in and a rising sense of panic in my chest. I know that Hope Island is the safest place in the world, but right now I do not feel safe at all.
I check the clock, there is still hours to go before daybreak and now I can hear noises. Animals I guess, there are nocturnal creatures here, they just sound eerie in the silence... I can even hear the waves lapping on the beach, normally I would find that relaxing, but not tonight.
Linka stop this, you will drive yourself crazy... I am already talking to myself.
The trouble is that if I try to block out the sounds, I just start thinking about things again and that makes me feel worse.
I put the light on and pick up a book I have been trying to read. I say trying, I have not been getting anywhere, I cannot concentrate long enough. After reading the same page three times without taking in any information, I give up and put it down again.
Nothing is stirring outside now. I left my light on. I know it is a bad thing for a planeteer to do but I cannot face the darkness yet.
The minutes tick by and I find that I am disappointed... somewhere in the back of my mind I had been hoping that Wheeler would see my light on and come to investigate. That way I would not be asking him for help but he would still be here. Even the others would be welcome right now.
I need to relax and try to sleep, but that is easier said than done. Every time I close my eyes I see the face of my cousin as I last saw him in the church, his eyes closed in final repose. Funerals are supposed to give closure, not new images to haunt your dreams!
I cannot stand this, I need him, I cannot do it alone.
I stand up, pushing aside the bedcovers and take several steps towards the door before I remember the light. I turn back and force myself to turn it off, trying to ignore the irrational fear rising once again, in my chest. I practically run across the way to Wheeler's cabin.
I knock but there is no answer. I cannot stay out here, even if I could get myself to calm down, if one of the others were to come out of their cabins... I open the door slowly, trying not to make a noise as I peep inside.
My eyes are still adjusting when I hear Wheeler's voice and it makes me jump. "What is it? Is something wrong? Are you ok?"
I nod and slip inside, closing the door behind me. "I am sorry for disturbing you."
I can feel my heart rate and breathing slowly returning to normal now that I am not alone. This is children's behaviour, I am glad we came home, I do not need my family to see just how pathetic I have become.
"It's fine Babe, I told you to call me if you needed me." he says kindly, though I know he must be tired. "So what can I do for you? Has your headache come back? Do you need another massage?"
"Nyet." I reply quietly, with just a hint of regret escaping my control. He waits for me to continue and after a moment I do, swallowing before I say. "I do not want to be alone. Can I sleep with you?"
He looks at me blankly and asks, "In bed?"
"That is usually where people sleep," I retort, embarrassed by his hesitation. I do not know whether it is because he does not want me here, or if he is just really tired but I feel like running away and hiding somewhere.
"No I mean…do you just want me close by? You can have the bed of course… I'll grab a sleeping bag…" He starts to move and then stops, obviously having second thoughts.
He is not going to sleep uncomfortably because of me, not again. "Nyet… I do not want you to have to be uncomfortable on the floor. I just did not want to be alone… I can sleep on the floor, just tell me where your sleeping bag is…"
He is still insisting that he take the floor... Can the thought of sharing a bed with me really be worse than sleeping on a drafty wooden floor? I wish I had not done this, every time I try to reach out to him I end up feeling worse. I was not flirting I only wanted his company. "Nyet, I cannot let you do that. I should not have come here. I am sorry for waking you."
As I turn to leave, he calls out to me and I pause, turning back again to regard him cautiously.
He slides over and pulls back the covers. "…if this is alright with you."
"Um, da." I stare a moment too long and feel the blush creep up my neck to my face, he is only wearing his underwear. It is not that he is not decent, he is, the shorts he wears on the beach are not much bigger, it is just… suggestive. At least, it is suggesting things to my mind, and they are not conducive to a good nights sleep.
It is not his fault if he happens to look like an incredibly well toned model laying there, welcoming me into his bed. Considering what he eats he has no right to have such well defined muscles at all… let alone all the way down to the top of his boxer shorts, which are laying rather low on his hips and… bozhe moy how did I pick up so much detail in such a short time? At least I will not see Boris when I close my eyes anymore.
"Oh, uh… I… I can put on a pair of pants or something." He says as he realises why I am staring.
And again, he is the one who has to make allowances, but it is not necessary this time. "Nyet… it is fine. If this is how you sleep and are comfortable, I do not want to make you hot or uncomfortable."
Before I can change my mind, I go ahead and slip into the bed beside him. We look at each other for a moment, and then laugh awkwardly, this is ridiculous, it is not as if we are going to do anything.
I lay on my back and fold my hands comfortably over my stomach. There is more light in here, Wheeler's room is angled so that the moon comes through his window, maybe he would consider swapping with me… but no, right now he would swap even if it was the last thing he wanted to do… besides, I like the company.
Wheeler fidgets. I do not know if he usually changes position so much, or if he is uncomfortable because of me… maybe I am taking up too much room? He can spread out if he wants to, I do not mind, he has been cuddling me for days, why would I mind contact with him now? I mean okay he is wearing next to nothing, but I think I am wearing enough for both of us. Hopefully I do not feel too bony through his sweatshirt…
He turns back to face me and I resume my contemplation of the ceiling as if he could read my thoughts if I look at him. I can see him out of the corner of my eye, watching me. After a while he angles his head to look up at the ceiling, as if to check what I am looking at and I cannot help but smile at him… I would rather look at him anyway, all I needed was an excuse.
"You know, after discovering my carpentry skills, I was thinking about putting a skylight up there. What'dya think?" He asks.
"Uh, da… that would be nice… pretty view." I mean it, and if he manages it he can make me one too, stars would definitely be less lonely.
He surprises me then by brushing my hair from my eyes and saying. "Not as pretty as this view," then he recollects himself and apologises… again. I wish he would stop doing that. Each time, just for a second, he makes me think that he means it and it confuses me all the more.
"And I was just kidding about the skylight… I'm not nearly good enough to do that! Every time it rained, I'd get leaked on for sure!" He jokes.
He should not put himself down like that, though maybe he just wants encouragement, if so I will give it to him. "You could do it… if you tried. I know you can do it."
"Thanks." He seems pleased.
I feel the need to set something straight. "And you did not need to apologize… but you also did not need to lie either."
"Lie? About what?" He looks genuinely confused, but I know he was not serious, not at the moment. He was probably just saying it out of habit.
"About the 'pretty view.'" I clarify sadly, contemplating his skylight again.
"I wasn't lying. I shouldn't have said it because it was inappropriate, but that doesn't mean it's not true." He sounds like he means it, but I still am not going to risk looking at him.
"You do not need to say that. I have seen what Bliss has done to me, to my body. I know what the lack of sleep and pain has done… left me with dark circles under my eyes and a sunken in ashen look." It is the first time either of us have mentioned my looks, and though I have spoken the complete truth and cannot blame him for agreeing with me, I will admit to being nervous about his response.
"Did you ever think that maybe I can see past that?" He says quietly.
"You can?" I ask shyly, turning my head to look into his eyes.
He smiles slightly but he seems to be telling the truth. "Yeah. I know what's on the inside. And I admit, when we first met, I liked what I saw… I never tried to hide that fact."
That draws an involuntary smile from me as I agree with him. "Nyet, you did not."
I know I am beautiful, well I was, and I was used to flattery so I was not impressed by my Yankee's attempts to get my attention. Still there was always something about him…
"But the more I got to know you, I knew there was more to you than just a pretty face." He continues, and of course the same goes for me, I had to learn that he was not just a pretty face too, only I was more resistant to it.
I thought I had all the answers, and where he wanted to get to know me, I was only going to put up with him for the sake of the planet. I was so wrong, and I think maybe I will pay for it for the rest of my life. I do not mean I can never be happy without him, that would be stupid and unrealistic. I just know that there will always be a regret for me, a 'what if'. He does not need to know that though.
"Like your cousin did with his wife?" I ask, unable to not make the comparison in spite of myself.
"Yeah, like that." He agrees without hesitation and I smile warmly at him. He has no idea of the effect his words have on me, they can take me from misery to, well, bliss, in a second and back again in the next. It is probably an effect of the withdrawal.
We lay there in a companionable silence for a while and then he says. "You know, you're one of the best friends I've ever had…"
"And you are mine." I reply without hesitation, or doubt. Whatever comes of this, no one will ever be closer to me, nor could they deserve my friendship more… though I guess he deserves better.
"So then… this shouldn't be so weird right?" he asks.
It should not be but… "Da."
He has a point to make, I know he does, "I mean, we fell asleep on the beach with no problem."
"Da." I say again.
"So maybe we should…uh, try that?" he suggests.
"Going to the beach?" I hope he does not mean that, it is warmer tonight but not much and it would take too long to gather the driftwood to make a fire.
"No. Um, unless you want to. But I meant more like…this…" He moves closer and slips his arms around me, turning me onto my side and pulling me back against him so that we are spooning.
"Is this alright?" He asks.
"Mmm hmm." I cannot trust my voice right now.
"You're comfortable? I mean, sleeping on your side? That's good for you?" Why is he so unsure?
"Da, this is… good," It is sooo good! I put my hand on top of his, holding it in place.
He sounds happy as he says. "K… Good night Babe."
"Good night Yankee… thank you for letting me stay with you." I can finally feel myself relaxing.
"You're welcome. Thank you for trusting me enough to come to me." He counters.
How could I not trust him? "There is no one else that I trust more."
His only response is to pull me closer, and I cannot help snuggling back into the extra warmth. He must have realised I am still cold because he puts his leg over mine and rubs his foot up and down, at least I think that is why he is doing it… it is certainly warming me up.
My feet are not feeling the benefit of the contact though, so I shift slightly to put them on his other leg and feel him jump at the sudden cold. I cannot help it, it makes me giggle but he does not seem to mind, he just gives me another squeeze and moves both his feet cover my smaller ones.
This is wonderful, I never want to move again. All my fears are gone and even the cold is seeping away. I guess there are real advantages to being 'just friends', even if the thought still makes me a bit sad.
"Linka?" He whispers after a while.
"Da?" I sound as sleepy as I feel.
"Happy Birthday Babe." I smile, there were definitely some highlights.
"Da…it was," I tell him, and slide my fingers through his, to link our hands together, while my free hand rubs the arm that is holding me in place. "Goodnight Yankee."
"G'night Princess," He replies and give me another squeeze.
I can hear his breathing and I think I feel his heartbeat against my back, both are very soothing and I can feel myself drifting away into sleep...
…Laughing, we take our places in front of the camera. As usual Jason wants us to kiss but I refuse, this picture is for his family.
We are both dressed up, something being planeteers does not give us much time for, and at my Yankee's request I have left my hair down, to fall around my shoulders.
He stands behind me slipping his arms around my waist and I rest my hands on top of his, holding him in place.
As we wait for the camera to be set up, Jason nuzzles his nose into my hair and pulls me closer. He is always very affectionate, it is one of the things that drew me to him... somehow he makes it okay for me to be affectionate too.
Some of his family come and join us for the next picture. Jason is getting bored by this time, he is like a big child sometimes, but I lo... like that about him too.
He snuggles closer and presses his lips to the back of my neck, once, twice and three times.
As the last picture is taken he drops his mouth once more, this time to the spot where my neck curves to meet my shoulder, and I can feel him smile against my skin. My own lips curl up to smile in response and as much as I have enjoyed his family's company, I cannot help anticipating the moment when we return to our room and close the door, shutting them out.
"I love you." He whispers.
Somewhere at the back of my mind I am surprised by his words but I cannot seem to remember why. In any case they fill me with wonder and a fizzy feeling I have never felt before.
"I love you too Jason Wheeler." I tell him with absolute certainty, then swivelling around in his arms to gaze up into his lovely eyes.
I never want him to let go, this feels so right...
To Be Continued…
And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Wheeler's side of the story in Chapter 18 of Becks7's Co-Dependents