A/N: As always, thanks for reading and reviewing.
Chapter Twenty One – Day Ten, Early Evening
As soon as we get back I head to my room. I tell Gi I want to try on my jumpers again and put them away, she wants to dispose of her own shopping so she is not giving me any trouble. Besides, I have proved to her that I am on the mend have I not?
I sit on my bed and pull out my stolen goods… bozhe' moy, did I really…? I cannot think about that. I just hope these things work!
As I open the packet, my door slams open… Wheeler!
I can feel the blood drain from my face as the nausea and dizziness rush back.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" He bellows at me.
Before I can answer, he has yanked me up off the bed, his hands clasping my wrists in a vice like grip and I gasp in surprise. He has never been violent with me before and I automatically try to get away, but he is stronger than I am.
He presses his forehead against mind and tries to lock our eyes together. "ANSWER ME DAMN IT!"
I cannot answer him, there is nothing I can say, so I continue trying to get away. It just makes him tighten his grip on my wrists and then he moves us to the side, slamming me against the wall, leaning his weight against me to trap me there. There was a time when I daydreamed about him doing this, but the circumstances were very different.
"LET GO OF ME WHEELER!" I yell, trying to push him away. I had not thought it possible but he is scaring me.
"NOT UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING?"
Does he really need me to say it? Well I will not! "WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE? I AM NOT GOING TO BOTHER DENYING IT!"
"WHY NOT? YOU'VE GOTTEN PRETTY GOOD AT LYING…YOU HAD GI PRETTY CONVINCED!" Had her convinced? Has he spoken to her?
"I HAD TO DO IT!" I yell back, beginning to feel a panicky desperation.
"NO YOU DIDN'T!" He presses more tightly against me, yanking on my wrists to emphasise his point.
Stupidly, I find myself worrying about my bracelet. I am still wearing it and I can feel the charms pressing into my skin under Wheeler's hands. I do not think he can feel it under my jacket but if it gets caught the chain could brake… I suppose I should not care, I have destroyed what it stood for.
"WHEELER, YOU ARE HURTING ME!" I screech at him, half hoping one of the others will hear and come in, but as I look up into his face I see tears spilling from his eyes and my heart is wrenched. I really do not want anyone to see this.
He lessens his grip but shouts back. "YOU HURT ME!"
Then he throws my hands away and pushes himself away too. It seems as if the fight has gone out of him, he certainly does not want to look at me anymore. "Go ahead. Take them. Take them all."
Nyet! Fear grips me, would he really not try to stop me? If he hates me I will defy him, but if he gives up… "You do not even know what they are! It is not what you think!"
"Does it matter what they are? They sure as hell ain't aspirin! And where did you get them?"
He thinks he is responsible for me, he is asking because he feels he has to. "Stop treating me like a child! I do not need to explain myself to you!"
"Where. Did. You. Get. Them?" He asks, looking more dangerous than I ever thought possible. I have not seen this side of him before, but I guess I should have known it existed. No one that nice could have survived on the streets of Brooklyn.
"When we were out…" I begin, intending to tell him the truth.
He spins round and grabs my wrist again, using it to shake the pills in my face. "Don't freakin' lie to me! These are prescription! Gi would have never taken you to the doctor to get you drugs! And this bottle doesn't have a label with the doctor or pharmacy name on it. So if you didn't get them from a doctor or pharmacist, you must've gotten them off the streets!"
"Nyet, I did not!" My temper is flaring again, what is the point of demanding answers if he will not listen to them?
"Well you sure as hell didn't get them legally!" He snatches the bottle from my hand and throws them across the room.
"CHYORT VOZ MI WHEELER! THEY ARE ONLY ANTI-DEPRESSANTS!" I yell at him, does he not want me to have any help?
"ONLY? ONLY? THEY'RE NOT AN OVER THE COUNTER MEDICATION LINKA! YOU NEED A DOCTOR TO WRITE A PRESCRIPTION FOR THEM. Taking those is worse than taking headache medicine!"
"BUT IT IS NOT BLISS! IT IS NOT A BAD DRUG MADE BY SKUMM!" Why does he not understand? "These were made to help people."
"Do you even want help Linka?" He asks.
How can he ask that? "Da! Of course I do!"
"I tried to help you, but I can't do it anymore. And you can't do this alone. You need more help that what any of us can give you on Hope Island." He sounds sad but determined and it gives my stomach a terrible sinking feeling.
"What are you saying?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.
His jaw is set. "You need to go into rehab to get treatment."
"Nyet…" Oh, please Wheeler, do not do this…
He is not listening. "YES! You're going to DC…to the clinic with the rest of the Bliss addicts. I've packed a bag for you."
The 'other addicts'… my stomach is turning over, I cannot process this, what he thinks of me now… "NYET!" I protest, needing to slow things down… I need to think.
But he continues without listening to me. "And when you get there, if there's anything that I forgot, or that you'd like to have, just call. We'll get it to you."
"YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! YOU CANNOT RUN MY LIFE AND MAKE DECISIONS FOR ME!" I am grasping at straws, he does not have the right but if the others back him up, I do not think I can stop him… can I check myself out of the clinic? Will they let me?
"SOMEONE NEEDS TO TAKE CONTROL! If you're not going to do what it takes to get better, it's time we forced you."
Where would I go? I would not have the means to get back to my family… "You lied to me! You promised!"
He has been talking to Gi, he is throwing my lies in my face, not shouting anymore just very heatedly. But he is missing the point, he started this by not listening to me. Everything I did was to protect myself, to stop myself from falling into the abyss but now I am right back where I started and he is going to push me over.
Well if that is how it is going to be, he is going to hear the truth first, that is what he wants after all, the truth! "You never cared about me! All you wanted was to make yourself feel better because you failed to save James. Well guess what Wheeler? You failed again! And this time it is worse because you made me trust you, you made yourself the centre of my world, the only thing holding me together… and then you turned on me."
I point at the bottle of pills lying on the floor. "The Bliss did not do that to me. Boris did not do that to me. You did it. You turned me into an addict by treating me like one. I never lied to you, it was you that broke the trust, not me."
I am crying but I will not try to stop it, I just let the tears fall. I cannot shout anymore, my strength is gone, but I continue, my voice little more than a whisper. "And now you will betray me again by sending me away to… to that? I will not be coming back Wheeler, there is not enough of me left and even if I somehow manage to survive it, I do not ever want to see you again."
It probably sounded like I was being mean, trying to get my own back on him, but I was not, I meant every word though it broke my heart to say them.
I slide down the wall and curl up, wrapping my arms around my knees and staring into space. There is nothing left to say or do, he will leave and tomorrow they will put me away and then… Nyet, I cannot allow that. It will hurt Grandmuska to lose two grandchildren like this but it is for the best, I would only be a burden.
He is yelling, blaming me… each word, each accusation causes a sharp pain in my chest and makes the empty feeling in my stomach grow… if only he had listened, there have been so many misunderstandings between us but this one we could not afford… at least it will be the last.
Now he is trying to reason with me? He is only making it worse, it is too late for 'what might have beens'. My whole body is aching again and my head throbbing. I wish Wheeler would hurry up and leave, though I cannot do anything until they all go to bed, because I will need to get something from the kitchen.
"…You can get through this. You'll survive…and you'll be back here, good as new. And we'll forget all about this. We'll be friends again."
He is dreaming! "You think you can win me over with your charm? Pretending that this is what is best for me? I am leaving, but not going to that clinic. I just need to get as far away from you as I can. I meant it. I never want to see you again."
He steps towards me and reaches out "Linka…"
"DO NOT TOUCH ME! LEAVE! NOW!" I panic, any sort of contact now will confuse me, weaken my resolve... I need him so badly but he wants me gone.
"FINE! IF THIS IS HOW YOU WANT IT TO END, FINE! I'M DONE FIGHTING WITH YOU! STAY HERE AND SUFFER THROUGH THIS YOURSELF WITHOUT ANY HELP, GO BACK TO RUSSIA AND DEAL WITH YOUR CRAZY UNCLE AND YOUR ADDICTION. YOU'RE SO FREAKIN' STUBBORN, IT'S A LOSING BATTLE!" He sighs "It's always a losing battle with you."
I let my head sink into my lap, not wanting him to see the tears forming in my eyes and he slams the door on his way out so hard it bounces open again. The noise makes me jump and my head jerks up again… I am glad he is not here to see the grief on my face.
He is gone.
For a time I just sit here staring into space as I let the full import of his words sink in. He is finished with me, he really does not care what I do… I am alone again. Perhaps I do bring it on myself… well if he can give up I guess it is okay for me to as well.
I force myself to stand though the room is spinning and there is no strength in my aching limbs.
Stumbling towards the kitchen, I can only hope I do not meet anyone, but that is not likely. It is late and the only one usually up after dark is Wheeler, and he is gone, probably as far away from me as he can get on this small island.
I know where everything is in the kitchen, I have everything ordered so that it can be found efficiently… something that irritates the others. At least they will not have to put up with me for much longer. I find what I need quite easily, a sharp knife, small enough to conceal in my jacket in case anyone does see me. This is private.
Back in my bathroom, I run water in the bath. I know this is how they do it in the movies and to be honest before tonight I have not given it much thought. I fall to my knees beside the bath as I watch the water run, a waste probably, bad planeteer! But not for much longer.
I should have died with Boris, then I would never have seen the look on my Uncles face, and on my friends faces… and Wheeler's. I am tainted, a diseased wreck they would rather not be around, well I am going to give them what they wanted from the beginning.
Is that enough water? It is to keep the veins warm and help the blood flow, I think this should be enough. I climb into the bath, slipping into the warm water it actually feels good, like the hot springs.
I am a disgrace, Wheeler is right, I should never have asked him to do this for me, it was unfair of me. Of course he could not say no, however much he wanted to, it is not in his nature to turn down a friend… and now I have made him… But I will not be sent away, better to end it here than be humiliated, and worse.
I will not think about it, my decision is made.
But even now there is small spark of defiance inside me, the survivor that is determined to go on even when the heart has had enough. As I hesitantly press the cold metal of the knife to my skin, I think about how it is better this way, how this will solve everyone's problems. The Planeteers will not have to cover for me in my absence, Wheeler will no longer feel obligated to baby-sit me, and I will no longer have to deal with the pain of knowing I have let down my family, my planet...and my Yankee. This is for the best. I just have to concentrate.
The glint of silver makes me stop again, I am still wearing Wheelers bracelet! Should I take it off? Nyet, if I am found wearing it, Wheeler will know that I do not hate him, that I still treasure what our friendship was even though it is over. I do not want him to think that my last thoughts were of hatred for him… this is a practical solution not revenge.
I do not want to get blood on my charms though, so take the knife in that hand instead and rest my elbow on the side of the bath to steady myself, as I put the blade to my other wrist. "Forgive me." I pray, though I am not sure whose forgiveness I really want, my God's or my Yankee's… both maybe.
I can feel the life draining out of me. My limbs are numb but I continue to grip the knife, until I feel my body go limp and the darkness overcomes me.
To Be Continued…
And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Wheeler's side of the story in Chapter 21 of Becks7's Co-Dependents