A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys.
Chapter Twenty Three – Day Eleven, Early Morning
Slowly the blackness recedes and I become aware of a comforting warmth, surrounding and protecting me. I smile, trying to remember where I am while not wanting to end this feeling.
Then I remember! My eyes snap open at the memory of the cold steel on my wrist… and behold the comforting vision of my Yankee.
His face is lying close to mine, a goofy grin on his lips as he sleeps peacefully beside me. Actually, more like on top of me, his arm is wrapped around me and he has a leg over mine… the covers are between us but it is nice anyway.
I lift my head a little way so that I can look around without disturbing him. We are in my room. Bozhe' Moy! He must have found me trying to… to… I cannot even think the words, how could I have considered condemning myself? My family could never have been convinced that what I had done was an accident, I would have been denied a proper burial, even assuming Wheeler had tried to convince them, which considering how we left things…
And yet he is here.
I am gazing at him, feeling guilty for the tracks of tears down his face and wondering why he came back. Whatever he is thinking about now is not giving him any pain though, so I do not want to wake him and spoil it, however much I need to hear his voice. He looks so peaceful! If anyone deserves some peace it is my poor Yankee, despite our most recent argument he really has been patient with me, so I will let him sleep for as long as he needs to.
He moans softly in his slumber and I cannot stop myself from gently caressing his cheek. I meant to soothe him but I can feel his heart rate increase, I do not know if it is something in his dream or if he is waking up.
Then he opens his eyes and exclaims. "You're awake!"
"So are you," I reply, not sure what else to say.
He frowns, concern in his eyes. "Yeah, but I was only sleeping you were unconscious…how long…"
"A while now." I tell him, I really have no idea.
"You should have woken me up." He says critically, thankfully though, he does not sound annoyed.
"You looked like you were having a nice dream. I did not want to disturb you. You were smiling… I figured you needed something to smile about." I add guiltily. "You have been crying," I trace one of the tearstains down his cheek with my finger, badly needing even that small contact.
"I was scared," He confesses.
"Me too." I admit.
He looks worried as he asks, "Of me?"
"Nyet… of me." I reply quickly, hoping he does not ask for an explanation, my thoughts and feelings are so jumbled I am not sure I can explain.
"Are you ok? You were under the water for a while and you weren't breathing." He tells me.
It is strange but I feel I can be completely honest with him again, this happens sometimes, when our emotions are worn out and there is only us left… if that makes any sense. "As well as can be expected I guess… all things considered. It is a little hard to breathe. I am pretty ashamed."
"You don't have to be ashamed around me. No one else will ever know about this. I promise. We'll keep this between you and me." Wheeler assures me and I am incredibly relieved.
"Thank you." I tell him, hoping he can hear the genuine gratitude in my voice. I am not sure I could ever face anyone else again if they knew, though now my solution would be to lock myself in here and never leave rather than the more drastic solution I tried last night. Wheeler could stay too if he wanted to.
"Do you remember…what happened?" He asks suddenly.
I try to answer, "I remember what my intentions were. I guess I passed out before I could…"
"Yeah…good thing." He says so positively that I feel my heart give a little leap in response.
But still, "Da…but I still could have died…if you had not…"
He does not want to be thanked and from his words I realise that he is feeling guilty too. "Let's not even think about 'what if.' All that matters is that I was there when it mattered… I know it won't make up for the time when I wasn't there for you…"
"Sssh. Please stop. I do not want to talk about it now." I do not want him to feel bad, I want to reassure him, but right now all I have the strength for is to lay here in his arms and let it all fade away.
"Then listen? I have a lot I want…need to say to you." He persists, but he does not understand.
"Wheeler, I cannot do this right now. I cannot have another argument with you." I close my eyes hoping he will get the message and let me drift back into oblivion.
He gently rests his forehead against mine. There is nothing threatening about the gesture now but I can tell he is waiting. I open my eyes again to regard him and he tenderly wipes a stray hair from my face, letting his fingers brush against my cheek as he does so. It is a very intimate gesture, or so it seems to me, it is also very comforting.
"I can't handle an argument right now either Babe. I don't want to…now, or ever again," He whispers. "Which is why I'm apologizing."
"Apology accepted. You saved my life. There is nothing more to say." I am still trying to end the conversation.
"But I have a lot more to say. I did this to you. I drove you to this! I could have lost you. I don't know what I would've done if you…if I…because of me…you… " I listen in silence until he says something that nearly makes my heart stop. "But that's not true. I know exactly what I would've done. I would've been so overcome with grief, so full of guilt, I would've gone crazy. I would've…done the same thing you did."
"Do not say that Jason." I whisper, before being interrupted by a paroxysm of coughing as my lungs try to clear themselves of the lingering water. "I was trying to free you of the burden not hurt you further."
"Burden? I never thought that of you. I'd do it again, and again, and again if you needed me too. I'm so sorry Linka. I never meant to hurt you. I had no idea that my actions would've driven you to this. If I did…well…I would've never pushed so hard…I would've been more careful about what I did and said to you."
"I did not care about the pushing," I tell him, thinking of how rough he had been when he found me with the pills. "I am not afraid of you; it was that you wanted me gone…" I try to keep my voice even but I can hear the desperation, what if this has just convinced him that he is right? "I cannot go to that clinic Yankee, please? You cannot help me by sending me away, if that is what you really want you should never have come back in here."
"I never wanted you gone. I wanted you better. I wasn't sending you away to get rid of you, it's because I can't give you the help you need. I don't want you to go away. I want you here with me. I couldn't stand not seeing you everyday. I need you. I lo- -" I try to silence him, gently pressing my fingers to his lips, but he will not be stopped. "…love you. I realize that now. I kinda always knew it, but now I know for sure. I don't care if you can't say it back. I didn't say it so you'd say it back. I said it cuz I wanted you to know. No matter what happens. Even if you don't feel the same way, I just needed you to know. To give you a reason to never give up…because I'll always be there…even if it is just as a friend if you don't feel the same way I do. My life would be so empty if you weren't in it…I couldn't go on. I wouldn't want to."
It is the guilt. I have made him feel bad and now he will say what he thinks I want to hear. The trouble is I do want to hear it, and I could answer him, it would be so easy… but it is not real. It is grief and shock and we have hurt each other too much already. I want to believe him, but I do not think I would survive the disappointment when he comes to his senses.
"Then do not send me away." It probably sounds as if I am trying to manipulate him again, to use his fears to get what I want, but this time it is not what I intend. It is a sincere request born of my own fear, "I need something to hold on to, something to trust and believe in, no doctor can give me that."
I close my eyes and snuggle into his warmth, if only we could stay like this until it is over, no interruptions, no problems, just the two of us.
After a while he says. "What you said before…Do you think…those things that you said you needed…do you think I can give you that?"
Da! If not you, then no-one! But I do not say that, it has to be his decision not mine. "The better question is, do you think you can give me that?"
"I want to," He replies making my heart soar. "You're sure you don't want someone more professional? Someone who's trained in this?"
How do I explain? I so rarely show my feelings that I know people sometimes think me cold, but it is not true. I feel things so deeply I just cannot risk being hurt… I need to be cared for, not looked after. "Hospitals and groups, drug programs… they are very important and help a lot of people, I know that, but for me… my situation is different, I am different. I do not think like an addict and I am afraid of being made to in the name of helping me heal. I need to be myself."
"Ok. But at least you wouldn't be alone in your suffering. These kids know what you're going through…maybe you could even be helpful to them. I'll go with you if you want. Maybe they have an outpatient program. We can stay in a hotel, not in a hospital or clinic, and then you could just go to the meetings or whatever when they were scheduled, but then come back to the hotel. It wouldn't be like you were trapped there if you could just come and go as you pleased." He is trying so hard to get this right, to find a balance, but he is wrong.
"The doctor said there would be others I could share my experiences with, but I cannot, I do not do well in a group. I will just retreat inside myself where it is safe." I reply honestly, but I know I am not telling the whole truth. I need Wheeler to understand, but it is so hard.
"Skumm made me special. I do not mean that in a good way. Boris and I did not have to do anything for the Bliss while the others had to amuse him. They did things… terrible things… and all the time knowing that I was different, protected… a pet if you like. They will hate me now!"
I look into his eyes begging him to understand. "I need to forget the things I saw Wheeler, I need the nightmares to stop..." I look away and whisper softly. "… and they only do not come when you are with me."
"Then I guess I've got bad news for ya Babe…" He begins.
To Be Continued…
And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Wheeler's side of the story in Chapter 23 of Becks7's Co-Dependents