Chapter Twenty Nine - Day Thirteen
My body clock always wakes me at 6 am every morning, I do not know why, it is just how I was made. It has been a bit off lately though, probably due to the Bliss, and this morning it fails me again.
Something is not quite right but I cannot tell for a moment what it is, then it comes to me, the light is on the wrong side of my bed. I open my eyes and gasp. I am in Wheeler's room, it is all coming back to me now… he is on an alert but is going to call me…my eyes fall on the clock on his beside cabinet… nyet, he was going to call me.
A frantic search for the phone, uncovers it on the floor and as I check the clock once more, I find myself fighting back tears. I cannot believe I missed his call!
I flop back on the bed and bury my face in the pillow, hoping to catch a hint of his scent. It is there, faint but not completely obliterated and it is enough to calm me. He will call back when he wakes, it has not really been that long.
I sigh and get up, straightening his bed and making my way back to my own room to wash and change.
Suchi is already in the kitchen when I arrive, eating a banana… he could find enough food around the island like his wild cousins but he is too tame. Or maybe he is just lazy. It does not matter, I am glad of the company.
"Good morning Suchi." I say, getting myself some cereal and joining him at the table.
He leaves his empty banana skin and climbs up onto my shoulder to cuddle there. He really misses Ma-Ti when he is left behind and that makes me even more grateful for his company.
Suchi does not object when I stand up to clear the table, but remains on his perch by my ear. I tidy up and take the cordless back to my room, I have been carrying it around all morning, I even took it in the bathroom with me in case Wheeler called and I had to answer it quickly.
I make myself comfortable on the bed and wonder briefly if I should go back to Wheeler's room. I dismiss the idea, this is only a temporary measure, I cannot get too used to it.
Trying to distract myself, I pick up the book I have been trying to read and open it at my bookmark. After a while I sigh and skip back a few chapters, trying to find a section I actually remember reading. Since my return from Washington I have been unable to concentrate and while I know I have read the words, the sentences are a mystery to me.
Suchi crawls down my front and curls up in my lap, in the folds of Wheeler's jumper. He looks very comfortable
When the phone rings I start, disturbing the little simian, and fumble with the handset. Suchi tells me off and snuggles back down but I have only one person on my mind.
"Hello?" I look at the clock. 10am, too early for Wheeler?
"Linka!" My Yankee sounds as relieved as I feel.
"Wheeler! I am so glad you called!" I blurt out and apologise quickly, before he has a chance to speak again. "I am sorry, I fell asleep before I set my alarm and missed your call earlier!"
"It's ok. I'm just glad you're awake now." His voice is tense and there is something else… he sounds choked.
Immediately alarmed I ask, "Is something wrong? Did something happen? Are you ok?"
"No Babe… I'm not. I just had a really bad dream. Really bad." He tells me.
Oh Yankee, I should be there! Gaia and Kwame have a lot to answer for. "About your father?"
"No…well, yeah, sort of…but he wasn't in it…it was me. I was just like him. I had a wife and a kid, and I hurt them. I thought it was me…I thought the kid in the corner was me, not my son! And then, when I hit you…" his words tumble out and I find myself a few seconds behind as I try to make sense of them.
Me? I was his wife in the dream? "You hit me?"
"Yeah." He replies sheepishly
I am so amazed I have to keep clarifying it. "And our son?"
"Yeah…I'm sorry." He apologises.
What for? "For hitting me… or dreaming that we were married?"
"Yeah. For that…for both…for calling you…for telling you…it's too much information…I didn't mean to freak you out or embarrass you…I just want you to know that I'd never hurt you. I will NEVER hurt you." He sounds panicky, this would be so much easier if I were there with him.
"I know that." I tell him. "Jason listen to me, are you listening?"
"Yeah." He sounds like a small child, I wish so much that we were together, I may never forgive Kwame.
"First of all, do not ever worry about telling me anything. I am not freaked out or embarrassed, I am just grateful that you can confide in me with the same honesty and trust that I have given you." I take a breath, "Yankee, our nightmares are about our worst fears not about who we are. You told me that there was no way I could have let anything happen, well I am telling you the same. It is not who you are, you are nothing like your father and you will never let that happen. You are stronger than he is Yankee, you prove that with everything you do."
I lick my lips but he does not say anything in the pause so I continue. "Look at the way you have looked after me, you have been angry with me so many times but you are always gentle, you have never hurt me and I know you will not."
There is another pause and I wonder for one terrifying moment if he has gone, but then I hear his voice, whispering so quietly I have to strain to hear. "That's not true. The other night… when I found you with those pills I…"
I wince. I had forgotten about that. "I was not afraid of you." I say truthfully. "I never once considered that you might hit me, it just is not something you would do. In fact there have been a few times when I have been surprised at just how incredibly gentle you are."
"It's you. You make it so easy to care about you." He says and my heart starts beating faster. "I've never felt like the nurturing type… I never learned how to take care of someone because no one ever took care of me… but when I'm with you, something just kicks in and takes over…and I do and say things that I wouldn't normally do…I…go soft. And the tough guy that I've always had to be melts away. I'm not sure how I feel about that…kinda vulnerable. No one's ever seen this side of me."
There are tears in my eyes at his confessions but the jealous part of me still needs answers. "Surely your girlfriends have seen this side of you."
"Girlfriend. I've only really had one serious relationship before..."
I did not mean to embarrass him, I am not sure I thought I could embarrass him, but I appear to have managed it. He continues to explain how his experience with women was more physical than affectionate and that he had only really been interested in one thing, which I had always suspected but somehow the idea of him being unloving had never occurred to me.
My own cheeks are burning, I have finally found a bright side to us being so far apart. I do not know what to say so I just keep quiet and let him continue.
"My point is, who I was before…isn't who I am now and I think that's because of you. I act different with you than I did with her…besides the obvious that she was my girlfriend and you're just my friend. I mean, even when she and I were just friends, and we were running around on the streets, I never felt the need to protect her…like I do with you…I'm sorry. You probably don't even care to know all this stuff…but I just thought you should know that I wasn't always the gentle person that you've come to know…and if it weren't for you…I'd still be the jerk that I was in Brooklyn."
My tears are flowing freely and I cannot speak. My mind is reeling from the rollercoaster his speech just took me on.
"Linka? Are you still there? Linka?" He sounds worried.
"I am here." I say, trying to organise my chaotic thoughts. "I wish I could take credit for all that but I know better. Lyubov moy, this is who you really are. The kind, gentle, loving young man that I know and... and who has become my best friend, that is the real you."
I plough ahead trying to ignore my own embarrassment. "You hide behind the tough guy and the humour because of the upbringing you had, so that you would not be hurt anymore. If I am what you needed to get past that then I am honoured, but the truth is you have done the same for me."
"Wha'da'ya mean?" His voice is raspy, I hope he is okay, I wish I was there to hold him.
I chew my lip nervously for a moment, unsure of how to explain. "I was never an affectionate child. I did not suffer abuse the way you did, but I was shy and awkward. I tried to fit in but something always set me apart; I did not have a mother, my marks in my tests were higher than the others, I lost my father and then... there is the way I look."
Even now I am blushing to refer to myself that way. "I know a lot of girls use their beauty and enjoy the attention it brings them, but I never did. I went further and further in on myself, pushed everyone away and pretended that I did not care. Grandmuska would hug me sometimes but I was never comfortable with friends, especially boys, hugging me or kissing me, even just on the cheek. You made it okay for me, more than okay, not just to accept that kind of contact, but to give it. But you have not changed me Yankee, you have brought out the person I was inside, and made it okay for me to be that person."
"Good… because you shouldn't hide that person. She's really great to be around. " He sounds stronger and I find myself beaming through my tears. "As for not being comfortable with giving and receiving affection, I think you're a natural at it. I wish you were here right now to give it…or that I was there for you to accept it."
Who would have thought a year ago that his opinion could mean so much to me? "I wish so too. Are you ok?"
"No, but I will be." He tells me.
I am worried, I want to help, so I ask him. "Why not? What can I do for you?"
"Nothing. I won't be ok until I'm home. I don't want to be here. I want to be home." He sounds like a petulant child again but I understand, I have felt that way myself and I long to put my arms around him and comfort him.
"I want that too… but you have a job to do. As Planeteers, sometimes we have to do things that we do not want to do. To make sacrifices… and this is not the first time we have sacrificed something for the Planeteers."
He probably thinks I mean our former homes in our own countries, which is what I intended, but I know that our sacrifices did not stop there. I know too that it is me that has imposed them… it is my view of what is best for the team that has kept us apart.
"No, it's not," He agrees with a yawn.
It makes me smile, he must be relaxing again, maybe I have helped him, even from here… "You should get some rest."
"I should change out of my clothes! I was so beat, I just collapsed on the bed without changing. No wonder I had a bad dream…I didn't have your shirt that I stole."
"Do you think it will help?" I ask with a smile, knowing what he will say.
"I know it will," He replies and then asks "Where are you now?"
It is a good thing I decided to come here instead of Wheeler's cabin. "In my room. I was reading a book."
"Can you go to the Crystal Chamber?" he requests.
A pit opens in my stomach. "I would rather not…what if Gaia…"
"I need to see you. I'm going to the Geo Cruiser to hook up the com link…I just…I need to see you, to see for myself that you're ok because right now, the only image I have of you in my brain is the one from my dream."
"I am fine Wheeler, I promise… but if it will help you sleep better, I will do it." He does everything he can to make my nightmares go away, how can I refuse him?
"Thanks, I'll talk to you in a few minutes."
"Ok." I reply, gently picking up Suchi and putting him in the warm spot on my bed.
After Wheeler turns the phone off I make my way to our command centre hoping that Gaia will not comment.
"Hello Linka," Gaia says with a polite, and I assume, insincere smile. "Can I help you?"
I want to turn around and leave then and there, she obviously does not want me here and is just trying to sort out whatever I want quickly, to get me out of her way. "Can I use the view screen please? Wheeler wanted to talk… where he can see me."
I can feel my cheeks grow hot, I know what she must think and considering the look she gives me, I am sure that I am right.
"Of course Linka." She says with a smile in that maddeningly soft voice of hers, and gestures for me to go ahead. "I will be communing with the planet in my sleep chamber if you need me."
Anything rather than speak to me apparently! I watch her disappear and then activate the view screen, waiting for Wheeler to make the connection on the other end.
He grins and I cannot miss the admiring glance he throws in my direction, it warms me as nothing else can. "Hey Babe. You look good in Red, White, and Blue!"
"HA! Never in a million years Yankee! But you look good in red!" I retort, noticing his appearance.
"And you see, I am fine," I add, rotating so that he can take me in from every angle.
"I see." He replies, taking full advantage of the opportunity.
Feeling a little self-conscious, I change the subject slightly. "But it is nice to see you and not just hear you… it is more real. I worry about you too while you are over there…what if there is another typhoon?"
"Don't worry. We've been keeping an eye on the weather channel," He yawns.
I smile affectionately at him, he is cute when he is sleepy. "You look tired. I should let you get some sleep."
"Trying to get rid of me?" He teases. "Must be a really good book you're reading… is it one of those steamy romance novels?"
"Nyet!" I protest, embarrassed because it is a romance, though it is not steamy.
"No? No love stories about a tough guy from a rough city whose life is changed when he falls for a beautiful, classy, mysterious, foreign girl?" He makes himself comfortable in his seat and unselfconsciously nuzzles my top.
"Nyet…" I try not to react to his words but my heart responds anyway. "That story has not been written yet Yankee…Wheeler?"
He is falling asleep. "Goodnight, Lyubov moy."
"Goodnight, Babe." He murmurs into my top and I find myself grinning at him.
I stand there for a while, just watching him drift away into sleep, then I look around self-consciously for Gaia. She has not returned though and I cannot seem to keep my eyes from the view screen. At least if I cannot be with him, I can watch over him, maybe my voice will be enough to chase away any more dreams he might have.
I run to the kitchen as quickly as my weakened body can manage, and bring back a stool. After I am sure he is sleeping peacefully, I return to my cabin and fetch my book.
Suchi yawns when I enter, but then pulls the folds of my blanket around him and goes back to sleep, I guess he will not be joining me!
Wheeler's presence, even remotely, is very soothing. It is also distracting.
No matter how hard I try to concentrate on my book, my gaze keeps returning to my slumbering Yankee. When Wheeler relaxes, he really relaxes! But watching him with his head cushioned against my sweatshirt, like a child with a comfort blanket, I find myself once again feeling very protective. He kind of missed his childhood and yet in a lot of ways he is still a child, lost and needing someone to take care of him… I want to be that person, and I will be if he will let me, even if it is just as a friend.
It has just gone half six when I decide it is time for my companion to wake. I feel a bit guilty, he obviously needs the rest and I am probably a part of the reason for that, but he has a job to do.
The second time I call him, he stretches and then opens his eyes.
"Good morning Wheeler. Did you sleep well?" I ask smiling.
He shrugs. "I guess…as well as can be expected in an airplane chair! Have you been here the whole time?"
"Da… what else was I going to do here?" I reply.
He does not sound convinced. "Surely you could have found something more exciting than watching me sleep?"
Actually… "Nyet. I would read my book and check on you…and I had lunch and dinner."
"Good. And you were able to keep it down?" He is turning into a mother hen.
"Da… but I have been avoiding the leftover pizza!" I tease. "I do not want to get sick when there is no one here to take care of me."
He cannot be thinking clearly yet. "What about Gaia?"
"Like I said, I do not want to get sick when there is no one here to take care of me." I could just see her standing beside me while I am throwing up, she does not even want to be around me when I feel okay. Perhaps she is afraid that my polluted body will somehow contaminate her.
"I'm sorry you feel that way Babe," I nod, not knowing what to say and he changes the subject. "What time is it?"
"Here? Almost 7pm. Which means it is almost 7am there." I answer promptly.
"I guess I should get up and get to work," he is grumbling, typical Wheeler.
I agree. "Da, remember, the sooner you finish…"
"The sooner I can come home…I know…I'll call you again at midnight your time. That's when I'll be taking my lunch break." He tells me.
"Ok. I will talk to you in five hours then?" I say, a little too eagerly perhaps. Now that he is going I am regretting my decision to wake him, one of the others would have come by looking for him eventually!
"You bet. Talk to you later Babe." He replies.
I will be waiting. "Da, be careful Yankee."
"I will. Bye," He winks and I think he is going to turn the screen off but he hesitates.
Is he waiting for me? "Goodbye."
The screen goes blank and I sigh. Five hours… not that long… not really.
Once the link is broken I return my chair to the kitchen and relocate myself to the sofa in the common room. Gaia did not return all afternoon, I can understand her giving us some privacy but he was sleeping! I guess she just does not want to be around me anymore…
It takes less than an hour to finish my book. Sitting with Wheeler close by (sort of,) let me relax enough to actually read it, but now I have nothing to do.
I finally decide to go for a walk. I will take it easy but at least it will be a little exercise, I think my muscles may need it. As I reach the tree line, Suchi drops down in front of me, startling me, before climbing up to sit on my shoulder. "Coming with me for a walk?"
He chitters away in what I think is definitely an affirmative tone, and we continue on our way.
It does not take me long to get tired and I curse quietly before tuning back. I wish Wheeler were here… why? To carry me? Baby me? Maybe, but mostly I just wish he were here.
A quick shower and a change of clothes and I head back to Wheeler's room to wait for his call. Somewhere in the back of my mind I am embarrassed by my neediness and I am very aware of how good a person he is, not to take advantage of it… even if a part of me is still wishing he would.
To be continued…
A/N: And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Wheeler's side of the story in Becks7's Co-dependents Chapter 29! Let us know what you think!