A/N: This was difficult to write so it took me a bit longer. Hope you don't mind. A slight warning that there is a swear in this one. Leave a review if you like. Otherwise enjoy.
Sophie was helping George with his maths. She liked helping the kids one-on-one rather than as a group. The group terrified her since they could gang up on her at any moment if they chose to be gobby. Alex was nice enough to give her these opportunities but it would take a lot more experience for her to be able to confidently deal with a classroom.
"So do you see that if you take away three you end up with?" Sophie asked him pointing toward the problem.
"Is it 7?" he asked unsure after a moment.
"Are you sure?" Sophie asked.
The little boy took a moment. He stuck his fist his mouth and he sunk deep into thought. Sophie could see the gears turning.
"It's 6" he said after a moment.
"Yeah-eh!" she high-fived him. And they shared a cheer.
"Sophie?" George asked.
"Yeah George?" Sophie asked as she started looking at the next question.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" he asked smiling.
"Nope" she said. There was no way she was getting into that discussion with a kid. She didn't like explaining it to grownups constantly. She could only imagine how confusing it'd be to an 8 year old.
"Can I be your boyfriend?" he asked tentatively.
"Sure" she smiled. This kid was too precious really. "Okay now let's start here…" she said pointing him to the next math problem.
She hadn't heard the shouting until it was too late.
The three boys had gathered in a blind spot in the school playground. Somehow these kids always managed to find them.
She yelled for Alex as the other boys scattered. Sophie was the first to get to George who was clutching his face on the ground.
That's when she reckoned the panic attack started. Or at least the pounding in her chest was a clear sign. As Alex directed the other teachers to get George to the school nurse and then tried to scatter the crowd, Sophie began to feel light headed. The ground was not as solid as she had thought it was. Before she reckoned she would fall she made her over to a wall that she could lean against. She slid down the wall with her eyes closed. Trying to get her breath back she didn't even notice when Alex put his finger to her neck. She slapped his hand away startled.
She wanted to yell at him but her voice wasn't there to do so.
"Sophie. I'm going to ask you some questions. Where are you right now? Are you having trouble breathing? Can you hear me?" Alex said calmly and slowly.
"The schoolyard. Yes. And obviously yes. Are you a nurse?" Sophie said bringing herself back.
"You don't know this but before I was a teacher I served for her royal highness in the service. There is more than one young man on a mission who suffers a Stage 2 panic attack unfortunately with a gun in his hands" Alex explained.
"I'm gonna pass out" Sophie said with her head in her hands.
"You feel like it, but you won't. Start breathing from your abdomen. Are you taking any drugs for this?" Alex asked as he slid down beside her.
"No. Is George alright?" Sophie asked. She needed to know about that poor little boy.
"You should, Sophie. He's fine. The little brutes just gave him a bruised face which will make him look tough" Alex sighed relieved.
"Did he say whut happened? I'm gonna kill those little bastards" Sophie said in a low voice. She didn't have enough energy to get all shouty.
"It doesn't matter. Just think of a place that makes you feel safe or kittens and rainbows," Alex said trying to blow her off.
"No I should go talk to him, see if he's all right" Sophie insisted.
"No, look Sophie. He was defending you, that's why he got into the fight" Alex sighed looking at her with sad eyes.
"Whut?!" Sophie asked her eyes getting wide.
"Sophie why don't you take the rest of today off. Go home. And you should really see someone about those panic attacks. They can give you pills for them" Alex said standing up. He offered her a hand up, which she took.
She still shook her head though. She just didn't get it.
"But why was he defending me? What were those kids saying?" Sophie asked in disbelief. She didn't have a clue.
Alex looked at the ground and then looked across the playground. He was clearly deciding what to say. Sophie waited for him speak.
"Sophie, word's out. The boys followed you home one day. They saw you and Sian being…indiscreet," Alex said carefully. Sophie's jaw went unhinged. "Boys are brutes. They decided to taunt George with it" Alex finished up.
Sophie had always believed that her life would remain her own no matter what she chooses to do. She had dealt with fighting her own battles and defending herself. But this was a child. A sweet young boy. It was intolerable. She didn't know what to say so she just turned and walked away.
"Babe, it's going to be alright" Sian reassured her as she took Sophie's hand and gave it a squeeze. They were sitting on the couch, with Sophie's head on her girlfriend's shoulder and two cups of tea sitting in front of them on the table. Sian had the night off and even though usually they made the most of the fact that they both had a free night, they had decided to stay in with a take-away on delivery.
"But he's just a little boy" Sophie said sighing. These were the times when her faith gave her very little solace. The belief that "everything happens for a reason" which usually sustained her, now that seemed pathetic when put up against the bruised face of a sweet kid. It didn't seem fair or right.
"Hey now, Alex said that he'd be alright and those bullies will get there own in the end. They always do" Sian kept trying to reason with her. Sophie knew that she was right, but it was hard to believe in this moment. "I'm more worried about you. If you don't go talk to someone tomorrow about these attacks than I'm dragging you there" Sian threatened seriously.
"I don't need to talk to someone. They are just gonna give me pills which I'll get strung-out on. No way" Sophie protested.
"That's not necessarily so…" Sian started to argue when the bell rang. Their take-away order needed to get buzzed up. Sophie got up and went to the bathroom. She looked a hot mess. Sian hit the buzzer.
"Baby, have you got some cash for the take-away?" Sian asked as she went for Sophie's purse. Even though Sian got paid in tips, she tended to put the money right back in the bank for fear of losing or spending it.
"Go ahead, I've got some pound notes in my handbag" Sophie yelled from the bathroom. She was right to clean up her face. Although she knew that Sian wouldn't care, she still didn't want to look like a minger.
As she came back in to the front room she saw the delivery still in the bag. Sophie looked around until she spotted Sian sitting on the couch looking at a photograph. The older girl looked lost. Sophie stepped over tentatively towards her.
"Sophie, why do you carry this picture in your handbag?" Sian said sadly as Sophie looked at the picture over her shoulder. It was one of their engagement photos. They had had it professionally done. It being December they had had to do it in a studio rather than freeze outside. In this particular one they were facing each other, connected at the forehead, nearly kissing, so much in love. It was Sophie's favorite because it was just them being them.
"Dunno" Sophie shrugged. Inside she chastised herself for having put it in her handbag in the first place. It was just that she had been thinking about it since that night with her mum. She had planned on taking the photos and throwing them into the bin but she hadn't. Instead she had hidden them away in a book in her room, but she had taken this one and left it out. Occasionally she would pull it out with mixed emotions. She couldn't help but be transported back to that torrid time. How could she have doubted this? How could she have let everything get so rubbish? Yet in this picture it was as if nothing could tear them asunder. It contained such power even though it was just an object.
Now it was in Sian's hands and she clutched it so hard that Sophie feared it would disintegrate in her hands.
"It's just that Hayley had mentioned…" Sophie trailed off since she noticed that Sian turned toward her at the mention of Hayley's name.
"You talked to her about this?" Sian said with a fair amount of strop in her voice. Sophie wished that Sian would just let go of her jealousy of the other woman. It was exhausting.
"Yeah so? It was back when I didn't know if I'd ever see you again and Hayley and I were swapping disaster stories after…" Sophie trailed off. She decided to leave out the fact that it was while Hayley and her had been naked in a hotel bed. That wouldn't have gone over.
"Just destroy all those pictures, I never want to see them" Sian said as she got up and took the picture over to the bin.
"No!" Sophie shouted as flew over to stop her. "I don't want to forget it! It may have been the worst day of my life, but I can't ever let myself down like that again. I can't forget what I threw away being scared and stupid" she exclaimed reaching for the photo in Sian's hands.
Sian turned around to look at her. There was a fiery look in her eyes.
"Sophie, when I look at this picture all I can think about was how I hated you, how I had given you everything. Do you remember what I told you that day?" Sian asked.
Sophie shook her head. There had been a lot of things said that day.
"I said…" Sian whispered before swallowing hard "That you were the only girl I have ever loved and ever would love." Her hand moved up to Sophie's face "It's still true, but Sophie…" she paused as she placed the photograph which had been in her other hand on the counter "Don't ever fucking lie to me again" she said slowly emphasizing each world so that she was perfectly clear.
"And you are making an appointment with that therapist first thing tomorrow, if not for yourself" she paused and forced out a chesty breath "then do it so that we never have to go thru that ever again. I can't lose you again Sophie."
Sophie nodded. It was true for her too.